At what point should you start "dating" again?

Is it an acceptable excuse if you're a bit bored, you're sick of pr0n, and you'd like to get with someone whose surname is not .jpg for a change?

Yeah, this was inspired by that Guardian "Guide To Dating" supplement. (Which, if it was as crap and inaccurate as their guitar to playing guitar and their guide to drawing, I should just throw the whole thing out the window and forget about leaving the house again)

I'd say if you're curious or thinking about it at all, why not? You can always quit again, and it might super satisfying to do so.

Yes, but after a reeeaaaaally long gap, how does one go about getting into this sort of thing again? Is it even worth signing up for internet dating? I've never had any luck. Most of my friends seems to meet people through friends of friends - how do you do that? How do you make yourself available?

Also, I kind of fall at the first hurdle, where I don't even know what I'm looking for... do I just want sex? Do I want companionship and a proper relationship? I don't know! Do I go into this with expectations, and try to find someone to meet them, or do I just go out there and look for the right person and then try to tailor my expectations to what they're interested in? The latter sounds more realistic, but that's what I did in the past and it sucked.

Clearly I'm thinking about it. But how do you know if you're *ready*? Or will it just drive me deeper into my misanthropic hole?

i think you should figure out a general idea of what you're fater first, and maybe it's as simple as companionship

shitty as it seems i just started going out again to bars and crap and suddenly there were dates being had *shrug*

i mean you know, you go out, you meet people

The best way to meet people these days is through group activities scheduled by like minded people via the internet, which leads to new circles of likeminded friends which are sure to included single people you may be attracted to.

This is a KBP Top Tip (tm).

is this guy hitting on kate or what

hitting on cape

noodle that makes no sense

:rolleyes:

And don't have expectations. Let it flow naturally. This is what's happening to me right now with a lady and I couldn't be any more happier with the situation.

lazy cape zings.

my head's full of snot I'm going to go play Footie Manager

I believe "play Football Manager" is code word for something totally different that involves tissues or some type of wipe down.

is this guy hitting on kate or what

Let's make this happen, people.

ugh

i pretty much need 'beginner' dating tips but i'll shoot: just act like you have a lust for life wherever you go (go to places where u think you'll meet people). don't worry about sex vs. companionship. you're the one who determines it all.

Stuff like this makes me want to crawl back to bed and never leave the flat again. Sigh. Other people can seem to get replies to stuff like this. I get weirdoes and zings. :-(

I'm too old to go to bars for pickups. Alcohol doesn't make me wanna get busy, it makes me wanna go to sleep. i've been reading dating advice for senior citizens at this point, because it makes more sense to me.

I guess I was looking for encouragement and pep talking, but I guess I'm not going to get it here.

x-post oh wow, there's some. Hrmmm. I just have no idea where I think I'll meet people.

sounds like you don't actually want to meet people.

i am def stuck in a rut w/this, too. all of the "meeting people" i do is at school, and i have a strong aversion to the idea of dating ppl i basically consider co-workers. also i am too shy to just chat up strangers when i'm out

I want to meet A Special Person. I don't want to meet random assholes and drunks.

Or maybe I don't want to Meet People. I don't actually like meeting strangers and new people intimidate me. Which makes dating kind of hard, I guess. I was hoping there would be a way to get round this.

I suppose it's like starting a band from scratch.

Except with less people involved. Actually, maybe not!

Some random thoughts follow.

Your ideal man is Julian Cope. Let's start there.

And now I draw a blank. Not because there 'is no hope', but I don't know.

I guess I never did the big dating thing, because I wasn't really interested in being with someone that I didn't connect with in some deep and unfathomable way. Some attractive girls, I got on with, but there wasn't that 'I want to learn all about you, and take ages, and be finding out new things about and with you for ever' with them.

Still, maybe I lost out on some short time good times. And maybe I saved them from pain and ang.

All I can really say with any conviction, is: It'll happen when you least expect it.

At what point should you start "dating" again? = length of relationship ÷ 2

haha have never followed this rule once

Maybe I should have followed that rule after the last big relationship broke up, but I really felt like I had something to *prove* because my former partner leapt immediately into another relationship. And the person I got involved was possibly the *worst* rebound I could have had.

My ideal man is clearly *not* Julian Cope, that was a joke.

I'm just trying to get myself kind of *back* into the attitude of "I *can* do this..."

At what point should you start "caping" again.

I'd consider signing up on a dating site if you really can't stand the idea of cold-meeting people in bars/pubs.

One thing some of my friends started doing was hosting random theme parties, like dinner parties or Rock Band parties or whatever parties, and inviting a mix of couples and singles where you know maybe 60% of the people there. It's a good way to widen the net in a relatively comfortable environment because it's a relatively small group (10 - 15 ppl) and there's an activity to keep people occupied so conversation doesn't lag.

i have a strong aversion to the idea of dating ppl i basically consider co-workers. also i am too shy to just chat up strangers when i'm out

:/

I don't want people I don't know in my house! Whoa, that would just be... no. Nu-uh.

Parties are difficult for me, because I often find it really hard to deal, socially, in large groups of people. Anything over 4 people in a room is totally going to stress me out, unless I get very drunk. And I know from experience that me, drinking, in a dating situation, is a very bad idea. I just really don't like crowds, at all.

I've actually been reading, like, womens magazines and stuff (don't laugh, I didn't buy them - in the laundrette and in doctors offices and stuff) and talking about how people met their partners. And lots of them were set up by mutual friends. I can't imagine one of my mutual friends setting me up with someone - I think they'd be too scared I'd bite their heads off.

After spending several years telling people I DON'T WANT TO BE SET UP WITH ANYONE, EVER. (considering how disastrous it was the last time a friend tried to set me up with someone), is it acceptable to kind of say "Actually, erm, do you have any single male friends you think I might like?"

Yes!

I am trying to join a dating site. Why is writing a profile so difficult? I can't even get past the tagline. :-(

It's like the old "influenced by" on the MP3 hosting sites of old.

After I'd filled mine in, back in the day, I read it back and thought "I'm so not interested in this myself! damnit!"

tagline: take me down to paradise city

I used a Hilary Duff quote in the end. (I think?)

For the first time in recorded history, I put my actual biological age. Eep.

Then I looked at my matches. There were a lot of dull-looking people - I know, I know, I have to give people the benefit of the doubt, and they probably have problems translating the personality to a form, dull profile doesn't mean a dull person because it's difficult to describe yourself. But then I started seeing a couple of interesting looking men! And then I messaged the bloke with the krautrock related screen name. He wrote back but I"m kind of too scared to read the message in case it's "go away, you freak" and I'm scared of getting my hopes up for fear of the crushing disappointment.

But I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket and watch the basket, even though it's a family trait. I should message more of the interesting looking blokes.

My problem is always, I look at the profile, and think "I could see why i would want to get with this person, but why on earth would they want to get with me?"

Krautrock related screenname and LHC references = he is probably an ILX0r.

But I get too excited ahead of time, and now I'm seeing those Soulmates ads as all done as one album that looks like the Harmonia album saying "FIND SOMEONE" and one album that looks like Cluster saying 'THAT LIKES WHAT YOU LIKE".

But then I look at men's "what they're looking for" and they're all looking for Slim or Athletic body types. I don't even bother messaging unless they have "A few extra pounds" ticked in their WLTM page.

Well, those "what you're looking for" seem to disincentise the reaction "I'm open minded, it's more about personality" responses.

I know "Slim/Ath" is not something I'd put down anyway. OK, "looks" would be more "tall, um, dark hair, um, well..."

That's not one of the options. The options for looks are below average, average, above average, good looking and stunning.

Um, who on earth is going to put down the stunning option? I put average. And didn't select an option, but put down that I was looking for someone interesting looking, rather than classically handsome. And checked the yesyesgingerplease option in hair colour. But they didn't have an option for "pointiness of nose".

ACtually, I lie - it's below average, average, above average, attractive and very attractive.

Still, who is going to put "very attractive"? I don't think I'd like to meet anyone who considered *himself* "very attractive."

Also, god, it's funny, the instant turn-offs in profiles. Someone's profiles can look really great in other ways, but then you'll see that ONE THING that's like... "You quote Nick Hornby - NO NO DELETE DELETE."

I NEED TO BE MORE OPEN MINDED.

I was meaning the "what you are looking for" options, not the "what you look like"

Thing is, the majority of the "what are you looking for" options seem to focus on looks. :-(

OK, there's also... like, profession, religion, language spoken. that sort of thing. The rest is a giant essay. I hate essays, I far prefer multiple choice. But then the people with the nicest pics and essays (which is, let's face it, what I look at first) don't necessarily correspond to the multiple choice things.

This is kind of discouraging. Rejection is harsh, even when people just don't write back to emails. How long do you have to keep at this before getting any results? I'm getting the "I should just crawl back into my shell" urge.

Do you live in a crappy town where it seems that the only place to meet people is at a couple pubs or places that have variations of trivia night? That is my problem, and it might be yours too. I tried the free online dating sites and then e-mailed a small portion of girls that match my criteria (close enough distance, shared interests, not too fat or ugly) but they never write back. Once again it's the quantity of single girls (with no kids - another one of my criterion) that makes it hard to find a date.

I never crawl back in my shell though because I've basically never left it - there's no good place to go in my town that I'm not trying (im not including super markets and librarys because those are hard places to meet people if you are kinda shy - and I'm not gonna change who I am just so that I talk to more random girl strangers than I already am). Outgoing people don't really have much more of an advantage anyways (in my town) - they might end up with girls - but these girls are usually ones I wouldn't care to end up with anyways.

basically the reason you shouldn't be discouraged is because, if you live in a town like me, you already are at rock bottom and there's no room for discouragement. the reality is that you are always at a discouraging place so you might as well be apathetic and/or pessimistic about your chances instead of discouraged. instead I will keep trying with no luck, but not be discouraged because that's what you have to expect anyways.

this probably was no help.

http://www.choicetechnical.com/images/product_collage_kip_printer.jpg

but it keeps me from being discouraged.

I'm going to make a point to go out tonight when my friends call and invite me for wii bowling at the pub and gril or jeopardy at Wild Wing Cafe. There is one girl that I have my sights on, she works as a waitress at the bar and grill, and the discouragement I get is when I don't talk to her when I know I oughta.

I guess I'm waiting for a time when I have had enough drinks but not so much that she can tell I'm kinda drunk :/
But in reality I have no reason, except for fear (not a good reason), why I shouldn't approach her. Being a sensitive person and ballsy can be difficult - but this year I'm just going to have to get over that. I read my yearly horoscope and it said that I will get past some loops that Ive been stuck in and maybe one will be my lack of brass balls.

is this guy hitting on kate or

he is waiting for tennille lorax to show up in his town.

Just let it flow naturally, pato.

lol, us ducks will get there.. if it takes all night

No, I live in an enourmous cosmopolitan city where there are almost TOO MANY options and everyone is so blinded for choice that it's impossible to meet people because of the sheer numbers.

Lorax is definitely not hitting on me, because I certainly don't meet his criteria, as I am very much too fat and too ugly.

Anyway. Patience is urgent and key. People started writing back and even contacting me and I have been exchanging emails with people. And the man whose profile I liked the most has actually asked me to meet up for drinks. I am scared, and nervous, and terrified that the chemistry of mutual interests will evaporate when he sees what I look like. But I'm going to try to be positive and be happy, bubbly Kate, not nervous, insecure Kate.

And not put all of mine eggs in one basket. If this is not a good match, I will meet up with different men. I'm going to make a deal with myself that I have to go on at least three dates before I am allowed to give up.

God, I am *trying* very hard to psych myself up for this, and giving myself pep talks because, well, none of my friends, online or otherwise, are giving me the pep talks I need.

I don't know if this is because they're bored of the subject, or think it's a disastrous idea, or if they're just so used to "celibate Kate" that they can't be bothered with thinking of me any other way. I've been so down on relationships and dating for so long that it's really hard to start to think of it in any other way.

Don't give up. I stopped dating a girl once soley because she said she fell asleep and couldn't make our third date.

I'm usually the nervous one. My guy friend is very fat (you can hear him breathing sometimes) - he has gotten about 4 different phone numbers in the past month (of average or better than average looking girls). He also met a girl over the internet or something and she went out of her way (distance wise) just to hang out with him - at least a couple times.

internet dating is a waste of time. i know it has worked for some ppl, and they have even got married and stuff, but to me that seems like a bit of a fluke. really, to me it doesn't matter how many 'interests' you have in common and how much you get on with someone over email, what matters is how much you 'click' in person and whether you actually like being around each other, and in that respect you'd be better off hitting on random ppl in bars really.

this may sound like the shittest advice in the world, but i really think the best way to meet ppl is to just leave it to chance. eventually, after probably a LONG period of loneliness and impatience, they will appear. and if you try to hurry things along by dating randoms off the internet the chances are it'll just make you more unhappy.

kate the trick with any situation where you are going to be judged in life is not to go in caring. sounds weird or maybe challopsy but im hitting you up with a nuclear red level truth bomb here. 90% of life will work for you if you dont need it to.

^^^ otm

Sunny, that's actually brilliant advice, and I'm going to write it on a piece of paper and stick it in my wallet to carry on dates or something.

this may sound like the shittest advice in the world, but i really think the best way to meet ppl is to just leave it to chance. eventually, after probably a LONG period of loneliness and impatience, they will appear. and if you try to hurry things along by dating randoms off the internet the chances are it'll just make you more unhappy.

I'm sorry, but almost totally disagree. If "random chance" hasn't worked in the nearly 40 years I've been on the planet, I don't see it starting to magically happen now. If you want something, you have to go out and look for it. I don't see how sending emails to blokes off a dating site is any different to walking up and chatting to blokes in a bar - except for the fact that if a bloke is on dating site, it is *guaranteed* that he is also looking to meet someone, and open to being approached, in a way that most blokes in bars my age are already married.

ss charging forth with a manifesto for life. Wow. I want to pin that to a wall.

OK.

I have a date on Thursday evening.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

I suppose I have to do this now.

Vroom!

Last night, 60 of the most awkward people in New York convened for Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now, a Smiths-themed speed-dating event at Black Rabbit in Greenpoint, and it was, as you might imagine, awkward.

lol mookie

I think the trick to these things is worrying about whether you will like the other person rather than worrying about whether the other person will like you. Also, I don't know if this will help but when I was still dating, I mostly went into things looking for friends rather than romantic interests, so I was rarely if ever disappointed when things turned romantic (although conversely I was so terrified by growing up one of the few black people around combined with a wholly unreasonable fear of being accused of date rape that I missed out on a ton of makeout opportunities because I refused to make the first move).

Wow. What a way to advertise the thing - GUYS, IF YOU CAN STAND THE SMITHS - U R IN!

I am taking all this advice on board, and trying to approach this in a new way. I hope.

Lord have Morrissey

It would have been funny if Morrissey had been one of the 60 people who turned up. No, wait - funnier if he turned up but they didn't let him in...

"you just haven't earned it yet baybeeeeee!!"

ARE YOU CALLING MY DATE A SLEAZY CHIPMUNK???!?!??!?!?

In a hilarious (well, probably only to me) email mix-up with my BFF today (mentioned I was going on a date, and asked her to be my Safety First, and also sent over ffffffffff-worthy pic of Xavier de Rosnay to explain current obsession with sodomy and French electro) she emailed back, irately, "you can't go on a date with him, he looks like a sleazy chipmunk!"

Which makes me ROFL so hard that if I get nervous at all during the date tomorrow, I will simply imagine that him as a sleazy chipmunk. Like a chipmunk version of Pepe Le Pieuw.

Just as long as you're not the cat with the white stripe down yer tail...

Well, if he turns out to be hottttt that might not be a bad thing!

Wow. That was... oh. my. god.

He was really lovely. Really smart, really knowledgeable - and good looking, too. Way too good looking to ever want to go out with me.

But it was just a really fun, cool, quite relaxed time. I enjoyed myself. I hope he did, too.

That was... doable. That was definitely not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Dating. It can actually be OK.

Good for you, Kate.

Good job.

And I bought myself a Justice DVD as a reward for actually going through with it. :-D

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, and still just trying to get out there and meet people. But that was good, that was really good. I'm glad I did it.

im glad it went well. now go read that piece of paper.

gj - i'll post on this thread as soon as I ever get a date lol

Well, dude hasn't called me back. But I'm reading that piece of paper, and you know what? It's working.