dick wishes

i thought this was going to be another cheney thread

voted grants wishes btw

i thought it was a typo and was going to be about ducks.

apparently this comic is titled 'duck cheney'

http://web.mac.com/aaronandpatty/What_the_Duck/Comic_Strips/Entries/2007/11/22_WTD_352_files/WTD352.gif

i don't really expect ppl to openly talk about their disappointment in their dicks; but you know, polling is anonymous (isn't it?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMSFX1Vb3xQ&autoplay=1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6uEMOeDZsA&autoplay=1

"This video is not available in your country due to copyright restrictions." Was it apt?

the last one was Huey Lewis & the News

baffling. what was the first one?

they both were huey lewis & the news

They both were the same thing ... the first one was louder than the second one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhS2G1plsvU&autoplay=1

wtf

that one worked. thank you.

whiney do you wish you had huey lewis' dick

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohjxot5i-jc

oops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohjxot5i-jc

http://rlv.zcache.com/those_who_wish_to_sing_always_find_a_song_keychain-p146141371468210060qjfk_400.jpg

http://monk.stencils.ch/uploaded_images/duck_you_too_001.jpg

could the thread title be modified, to "dick wishes (warning: contains Huey Lewis)?

I like these options but I can't vote.

i wish my dick were more narrow

Surely unless someone was had a ridiculously wide deformed penis there isn't actually anyone out there who would wish this, right??

it might make buttsecks more difficult?

elmo's always one step ahead

Yeah that did occur to me after I posted.

let's organize a dick exchange

I think your suggestion needs some clarification Elmo.

like a swap meet, but with dicks

I have more complaints about my prostate

or maybe a swap meat amirite

While we're on the subject, might I ask what might be considered a problematic girth?

Kinda wish I hadn't, now.

depends on the orifice?

http://www.adamfoods.com/other%20product/tuna%20can.jpg

Here's a story that would be funny if it weren't so fucking awful:

My employer used to do dick enlargement surgery. Then they stopped because "it didn't work" - or rather, it "only showed improvement in cosmetic ways - in the locker room, but not in bed". So they stopped, rather than put men through pointless and painful surgery for purely cosmetic gain.

Labial surgery, clitoral de-hooding, all kinds of unnecessary and purely cosmetic surgery on the *female* anatomy, these all just go right ahead.

This thread has gone all limp now :-(

i'm sure that'll be hard on the original poster

Don't worry, just keep your head up.

Ok, the puns have to stop. Next we'll be posting pictures of suggestive vegetables.

i don't really expect ppl to openly talk about their disappointment in their dicks

Oh, just watch me.

I voted for "my dick is perfect," but NOT AT ALL because I actually believe it's perfect. It's just that none of the other options seem to apply. Not well enough, anyway, or not anymore. And there are no agnostic options.

i wish my dick were longer - Maybe? Sometimes? Not as a matter of practical function. I suppose I wish it were more of a show-er, but who gives a shit?

i wish my dick were thicker - Maybe? Sometimes? Not lately. I suppose I've had a poor fit or two, but never so much that it was a real problem. No, I'm ok.

i wish my dick were shorter - No. I do not wish this. Never even occurred to me, not in all my days of ownership of my dick.

i wish my dick were more narrow - see above

i wish i had foreskin - I have wished that before, but I can't remember why anymore. Novelty, I imagine.

i wish i did not have foreskin - (left blank for obvious reason)

i wish my dick was shaped differently - Again, never occurred to me. It's dick-shaped.

i wish my dick had a different curvature - Technically that's part of the shape, but I know what you mean. And no. It hits everything it needs to hit, with a little careful angling. Same as any dick, I assume.

my dick is perfect; it grants wishes - Like I said, I voted this. Maybe because my own wishes (I can't speak for anyone else's, as much as I'd like to) are only to have sex that directly involves my dick, reasonably frequently, with lots of intimacy and mutual satisfaction, and if possible, startling amounts of semen. The semen seems more amusing to me than anyone else. All the rest of it is the result of collaborative effort. I do not (any longer) imagine that my dick is solely responsible for much of anything. It's mostly just happy to be there.

i wish i did not have a dick - I do wonder sometimes if women are as pleased with the plumbing they ended up with as I am with mine, or if they curse it. It's a meaningless question, I guess. But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious. The only thing I really envy, I suppose, is not having to try NOT to cum. I mean, I suppose there are times when a woman would like to hold out longer, and make it all last, etc, but the female orgasm is never the cause for apology that the male orgasm so often is. That might be nice. It's still not a trade-off I would make, though.

Here's the terrible truth about my dick: it is perfectly average in every way. Size-wise, I've measured it to the micron (a good while ago, but I'm pretty sure that's one of those things that doesn't change), and in both length and circumference, it's within the most popular range on just about every chart. It has the usual angle of curvature. It's circumsized, as per usual in this country. It has no unusual features and no extraordinary behavior. I suppose there are times when I wish it were harder, or that it wasn't in such an all-fired hurry, but none of that is my dick's fault. I suppose there are also times when I'm proud of it, when it's accomplishing the job of being a dick with the admirable discipline of a goddamn Marine, but that's not really about my dick, either. It's a pretty textbook dick, as far as I can tell. Kinsey would yawn and look at his watch.

But here's the other terrible truth: even though I know that my dick is just fine, and even though I am pleased to have such a perfectly average, perfectly useful, all-purpose dick to call my own, it's far from feeling "perfect," because I always wish it were extraordinary. I don't know how, exactly, but somehow. I understand that no one but me (ok, a comfortable majority anyway) particularly wishes this. I know that it's impractical and probably juvenile to want my dick to be anything other than it is. But I'm not... QUITE... happy with it. Even while I'm totally ok with it.

So not only is my dick fairly unremarkable, so is my relationship with it. I suppose some have a stormier relationship, more of a love/hate thing maybe, but my dick and I have settled into a comfortable, pleasant-enough-for-most-purposes, usually pretty dull lifelong commitment.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_n2AS0-fCYnM/SX1JauzwMsI/AAAAAAAABGo/qXwAWC_yyPk/s320/nbc_the_more_you_know.jpg

http://www.snarkhunting.com/images/Spotted_Dick475.jpg

clitoral de-hooding

wat

wat
http://timandjo.covblogs.com/Ethiopian%20food.JPG

But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious.

Ha what? I've never thought of it as 'trouble.' The main disadvantages are:

– Menstruating: Assuming you live to 70-80, this lasts only half yr life anyway. I'm lucky in that it's never really a painful or burdensome thing for me, tho I know this is not a universal truth among the post-menses pre-menopausal set. Anyway, I like getting my period because it is a precious gift that means I havent been curse with:

– Pregnancy: The burden of preventing this is largely on women (IMO). By which I mean except condoms and (the permanent) vasectomy, most forms of birth control are made for/the responsibility of women. But since none of the dick wishes are 'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,' this is off topic, basically.

So the main troublesome things I can think of are reproductive, not sexytimes.

OTOH I think the main reason ladies' privates are complicated is they're not out there, generally unseen without effort on the woman's part. I always thought this was the advantage! I mean I never took eighth grade Boner Hiding Lessons but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to? That's got to be a damn pain! It's harder to be in touch w/that IF you don't have your penis, the compass, to guide you BUT I think society doesn't really encourage women to recognize when they're aroused, or share info on how to know when one is.

wangs!

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

Try to think of ANYTHING BUT sex. But when you're younger (i.e. eighth grade), it might not even have had anything to do with sex in the first place. Sometimes it would just go sproi-oi-oing against your wishes for no good reason, usually as the most inopportune times.

'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,'

^^^would've seriously considered voting this option.

This is actually harder than I thought when opening thread

― Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:00 AM (0 seconds ago) Bookmark

i voted.

(ornaldo bloompsmy dick for presidetn)

I am disappointed that the poll doesn't include answers for people with genetical mutations, like "I wish I only had one." for all the doubledickers out there.

A photo of a surgery Cronenberg himself could not imagine

NB IT'S TERRIFYING

imo this picture of a penis with phimosis is kind of dear in comparison

I had a cousin who had surgery for phimosis when he was about 10 (though not as severe as Abbot posted, and I know because our parents used to put us in the bath together when we were young, and I remember his dick looking weird). All the other 10-yr-old boys were very, VERY concerned about it, worrying that it might happen to them, too. In retrospect, he was amazingly calm and cool at explaining it to us. Like he had rehearsed.

BTW: take Abbot's Cronenberg warning v seriously.

one of my first boyfriends had phimosis! he functioned just fine but i think it could be pretty painful for him

bahaha kenan I bet most of you were circumsized anyway!

Of course we were! Most all boy babies were circumcised then. His parents were trailblazers, it seems. Only with exactly the baby that least benefited.

So you were all terrified of being able to not retract you non-existent foreskins?

No no, we wouldn't know what the word "foreskin" meant. It was just that our friend's thingie was all weird, and we didn't know if it was contagious or what.

When there's no sex education in schools whatsoever, and your parents won't tell you anything at all about the basics, or if they do (like my dad tried to when I was about 6) the discussion is so brief and cryptic as to only give the impression that this is a thing you should be extremely interested in knowing more about but with no useful information, well... all thingies are weird.

I remember my dad saying to me, "the seed enters the woman..." and imagining for a long time that he was talking about something like an acorn that had legs walking across the bed and jumping into the woman's butthole. Dads: don't try to get this out of the way when they're six.

oh man that is all kinds of hilarious

http://www.pokemondb.co.uk/images/artwork/seedot.png

I don't want to do a Tuomas here, but is sex education really bad in US schools? It's patchy in the UK, dependant on when you grew up rather than which part of the country, but I remember that when I was eight our class were shown a series of films which went into conception, pregnancy, and childbirth in full detail.

If you happen to live in a redder state, and especially if you had the misfortune to have lived eight key sex education years under Bush -- it's really shamefully bad. It's basically Jesus education.

It's nonexistent. (xp)

Under the Bush administration sex-ed was largely Abistinence Only curricula.

It's patchy in the UK, dependant on when you grew up rather than which part of the country, but I remember that when I was eight our class were shown a series of films which went into conception, pregnancy, and childbirth in full detail.

yeah that doesn't happen here

Basically, there's a girls-only sex-ed bit that talks about periods and how you aren't dying when you get yours that gets shown around 6th grade (age 11-12) and then in high school there's "oh look, STDs!"-style sex ed; the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

My sex-ed class was just a bunch of anti-abortion scare slides of scrambled fetuses.

Well and when I was ten we had a very special girls-only thing where they explained vaginal discharge, menstruation, and how tampons won't make you lose your virginity.

Oh and there was this big emphasis on not calling a pad a "rag" bcz that was trashy & disrespectful (I thought she meant of pads, but later I think she meant women's reproductive systems in general).

Yeah, because that's the big issue at hand.

It worked!

No wait I call those little garbage things for tampons in the women's bathroom stalls "rag bags" so maybe it didn't work.

Why is it so squicky for parents to tell their kids about sex in terms that are age-appropriate but not completely baffling? Why so nervous? Why such a heavy conversation?

I made fun of Britishers and their library hard-ons, but boy howdy, we have enough sex issues to go around in this country, too. And go around they do.

mmm, OK. In the UK is is/was like this (please bear in mind I am lol old)

age 8/9: Biology and reproduction of plants, then animals, followed by human anatomy, leading up to several classes specifically about human reproduction, including the aforementioned sex ed film series. Mostly covered in science classes, but some is covered in special lessons and what are called now PSE classes (Personal & Social Eduction, the short period straight after afternoon registration).

age 10/11: Review of above material. Then small (half a dozen pupils) single sex classes (boys only classes and girls only classes) with a health visitor, who explains some of the more lurid details (erections, periods, wet dreams, body odour, body hair, etc.). Also this small class is where the girls get their "tampon talk".

age 12/13: Review of all that material again, plus more stuff about emotions, relationships, families, etc.. Some schools do the "tampon talk" again just for the girls.

age 14/15/16: reproduction is covered again in GCSE science classes.

did not understand what this thread was about and thought it was like "dick move" but srsly wow u guys

the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

I didn't really get it in jr. high, either, but then again I didn't learn a whole lot of anything in jr. high. I was preoccupied, at least in part by trying to find my dad's Playboy stash. (Happy ending to that story: I eventually did. The girls were all very shiny.)

The actual mechanics, or at least their full implications, I learned from David Attenborough. No I'm not joking. I knew about penises and vaginas long before then, and how girls get pregnant, all that stuff. But it wasn't until Attenborough told me that ferns -- FUCKING FERNS -- make sperm, and that those sperm require liquid to travel to their destination, did it all really click. "Holy shit, this is bigger than I ever imagined."

So do moss!

So do just about everything.

women don't

Quiet, you.

Ferns and moss are the only plants with water-transmitted sperm, which is why there aren't that many species of them. They rely on external fluids, too, which is why you only find them in wet environments. Most other plants just shed sperm everywhere (lol hay fever is all the sperm in your nose) or by getting it all over some or another animal. Fungi & bacteria & prokaryotes don't have sperm either! </biology pedant>

http://www.grainsessential.ca/english/images/grains/wheat-kernel.jpg
^^^ a similar diagram on the side of a packet of Shredded Wheat put me off eating said cereal for a while when I was a kid

xp Oh of course! No you're totally right. I just meant the sperm part when I said that most everything does.

Then again, ferns and mosses are some of the most primitive plants, and some of the first... THINGS... to evolve sexual reproduction at all.

They're so fucking rad!

They got the simplicity of it all exactly right.

I mean, time-tested and everything. Don't take my word for it.

how y'all dicks doin??

still granting wishes!

They're so fucking rad!

― god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, August 17, 2009 3:53 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

good, good.

You know one thing my dick totally loves? Huey Lewis and the News.

Kenan are you actually Patrick Bateman?

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

* i wish i did not have a dick 2
* i wish i had foreskin 1
* i wish my dick were more narrow 1
* i wish my dick were shorter 1
* i do not have a dick, but i wish i did 1

hmmmmmmm

Mirror mirror on the wall, will I ever again see a live human dick at all?

A dick is a wish your heart makes.

Wait, that's not right...