The Hills Are Alive With Celibate Cries (the celibacy thread)

Yeah, I know it's probably really weird to put a thread about celibacy on a board that's mainly about sex and relationships.

But a thread about specifically the lack of the above comes under the remit of the above, perhaps?

Anyway, I'm going to revive this thread, instead of that one: where does this idea that you'll never have sex or be in a relationship OR be randomly fancied again come from? when I'm feeing Otherwise about it all.

This thread is neither for nor against, it's just about.

Yesterday I was really kind of railing against it and feeling very lonely and more than a bit sorry for myself.

Today, I am feeling more calm and centred. Mainly enjoying waking up early, by myself, on a Sunday morning and enjoying the quietness and the stillness and really liking the sense of peace and completeness and self containment that it brought.

https://www.blogger.com/

Yeah, I know it's probably really weird to put a thread about celibacy on a board that's mainly about sex and relationships.

I sort of view celibacy/sex as being like rests/notes in music. People need celibacy to have a better perspective on sex. As for myself, I've been celibate for several years now, mainly because I a) don't want to get into yet another stupid dysfunctional relationship, b) want to sort my head out a bit, c) have increasingly gone off the idea of one night stands. Although that last point is just me personally and I'm not criticising anyone who does do that.

I need to be celibate so that I can understand what want sexually. I need to be not in a relationship so that I can understand what I'm looking for in a relationship (mainly what I can bring to a relationship and what I want out of it).

I guess I can understand that way of thinking. It's kind of like giving things up for Lent - you start to really appreciate good things more when you have not had them for a while.

But also, it enables you to sit down and figure out what you *do* want. Because so much of flitting from relationship to relationship is reacting against what went before - you get a good idea from being in *bad* relationships of what you do *not* want. But to figure out what you really do want involves alone time and reflection.

I kind of chose celibacy for a different reason. The amount of effort and energy that I was putting into getting into relationships, chasing relationships, trying to stay in relationships that were not right for me was a huge amount of energy that was being wasted - that I felt would be better turned to other things.

I'm not saying that good relationships don't take work and energy - but it's a balance. If *all* your energy is going on keeping your relationship going, and you have none left for you, that's not a very good relationship. Because I have had no long-term relationships that weren't like that, I have no conception of a LTR that could be good.

So maybe the loneliness and the skin hunger is better than that Getting Destroyed thing that used to happen in relationships.

relationships, although if I'm honest, the pursuit of one (i.e. dating, etc...) seems just so damn tedious to me. Miss the sex tho.

Christ, so OTM.

Today, I am feeling more calm and centred. Mainly enjoying waking up early, by myself, on a Sunday morning and enjoying the quietness and the stillness and really liking the sense of peace and completeness and self containment that it brought.

― hüzün (Masonic Boom), Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:14 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i feel like this a little bit, today

When I was single for a few years, I worried that loneliness was making me so bitter I would never be able to be in a relationship again - that I was becoming too insecure to be loveable, and at the same time everyone else was forming new relationships and becoming less insecure, so that while people could be found aged 20 who were sufficiently unsure of themselves to put up with me, at my new age there would be no chance of finding anyone lonely enough.

But when I finally got out of it I was pleasantly surprised to find myself acting more mature and calmer and more at ease in my new relationship than in the previous ones. Whether this was because of the time to reflect or just general maturity, I don't know, but it was a big relief.

Sometimes I would find myself in a situation where before I'd have thrown a passive-aggressive sulk and maybe later had a raging fit, and I could just think to myself, "yeah, I don't need to do that, it wouldn't help anyone." Which was really nice! So I don't regret those years now, or not for any sexual reason.

Sorry if reflections from someone not currently in this boat are unwelcome here. And I realise I'm lucky to be in a relationship where unpleasantness is mostly avoidable.

Oh, I don't mind reflections from people "not in this boat" so long as they are understanding and sympathetic and not all "oh, if you were ME and you lived MY LIFE, things would be totally different for you! so you should be more like me and less like you!" pointless type stuff.

I suppose it's also interesting to see whether people view it as a transitory condition on the way to something else, or if one feels it is a permanent state.

Though obviously, some people can see it as a permanent state, and come out of it. Like you can see it as a transitionary period and then end up not coming out of it.

It's not like I've been sat around for the past 5 years going "oh woe is me" and doing nothing about it. I've gone through periods of putting myself out there, and deciding in the end that it's less painful and boring and ego-shredding to just withdraw than to go through the humiliations of, ooh, let's say, internet dating at the age of 35.

http://www.xcatalystx.com/store/images/sxe02a.gif

The last relationship I was in where sex was a part of it was 2006. It came to a fast halt when she moved back to Indianapolis (though I did go visit her six months later, there was no sex). What I've held on to from that experience isn't the memories of physicality so much, but how I let go of a TON of my love/sex hang-ups with her. Jealousy, insecurity and every other neurosis about relationships all just seemed to melt away during and in the couple years after my time with her. Since then, I've been involved in one long-distance thing (don't want to call it internet dating, because I met her in person before we started emailing/calling). The thing about distance, though, is that the timing has to be absolutely right for meeting (or meeting again). We waited too long, and the whole weekend was just kind of unsatisfactory and awkward.

All in all, I'm glad I've been celibate for three years. I feel like I'm well on the path to being a better partner with whomever I date next. Most of all, I no longer see sex as such a huge thing in a relationship (whether it be the sex we're having, or the jealousy that used to come with thinking about her exes or whatever other fucked up thing I would've tied to it). This round of celibacy has allowed me to consider sex in the proper proportion to the relationship instead of being consumed by the threat of it.

^^^^ that's really beautiful. You have such a positive attitude, and that's quite inspiring.

generally okay with celibacy, but cute girl at club kissed me tonight because i was wearing a pet shop boys shirt, and she was proving something to the guy behind me at the bar who said i was gay because of it. i told her i appreciated it and walked off to go dance, as that's where my mind was. thinking back, even a pity kiss should be followed up. probably should have done that.

here's to celibacy!

Even though I've been celibate and single through relative long periods of time, I've never really felt lonely. I guess probably because I've always had other single friends to hang out with; but I have to say I don't like being celibate, I know it has a negative effect on me. I need intimacy more than I need a partner I guess. Of course it all depends on what counts as celibacy. I can perfectly manage not having sex as long as there's kissing and making out.

xpost - OMG Gukbe that's such a cool story. I want that to happen to me!!! Unfortunately, I don't own a PSB shirt. :(

I find it odd the way people will say "I can handle ::deprivation:: as long as there's ::thing that makes it not deprivation::"

Not criticising, it's just an odd way of thinking to me. Like, people who say "I can handle not being in a relationship so long as I get regular sex" -> "I can handle being celibate so long as I get kissing and making out"

Seems like it's assigning some kind of micro-genres to human relationships. (Or perhaps old fashioned wanting free milk without a cow - though I hate that meme as I hate reducing women to cowhood)

After reading of a friend's disastrous internet date last night I feel quite smug. I was feeling a bit jealous last night and considering signing up for said dating site, but after her tweets this morning I feel much more like "thank god I didn't have to go through that."

I just ensured my celibacy for at least another 3 months by shaving my head. Will be rethinking this in less than 12 hours.

Wait, what? No.

Chicks definitely dig a bald-headed man, but it's crucial to even out your head tan. Spend lots of time outside, but don't forget to use sunscreen!

xposts

a friend of mine was telling me the other night (and again a few weeks ago) how amazing his experiences on a dating site have been recently. several people are pushing me to join, but tbh, if meeting someone while i'm out seems dull and horrible, planning to meet a stranger one-on-one just sounds like the worst thing ever.

Dating sites are kind of like the rest of the dating world... if you are Good at Dating (i.e. outgoing, friendly, charismatic) then you will do well on Dating Sites.

If you're kind of shy, a bit weird or difficult or otherwise just a bit introverted, they're just another kind of hell - except with added extra expectations because talking to people on the internet creates this strange false kind of artificial intimacy which often just doesn't exist IRL.

Had a former housemate who used to go on loads and loads of dating sites, and he pretty much had a stable of girls he used to bring over, not quite one for each night, but more than 2. It's not like he was particularly attractive or anything, he was just really good at working dating sites, he came across really well online. I think the experience of seeing what he got up to really kind of turned me off the idea of them.

Not that I haven't tried them. But the whole thing just wasn't for me. It's just too easy to get your hopes up based on a profile, and then have them dashed when you meet in person and there's no chemistry.

But I have little patience for dating, fullstop, so I'm not really the best person to talk about this sort of thing.

I always far preferred meeting partners through friends, but as you get older and the friendpool dries up, well, the opportunities get less and less.

Honestly, when I start to think about dating, I just feel so hopeless and like giving up before I even start that I think staying celibate the rest of my life is preferable, even if it means no sex, no cuddles, ever again.

I just now realized it's been close to 2 and a half years. I've broken my long-standing no-vomit record in the interim!

no wonder you're so much better a writer than I am.

No wonder you're always trying to seduce me.

this period doesn't count solitaire, correct?

Does it ever?

I mean, people have to breathe, right?

I dunno. I'm just wondering how to engineer 'relief' during my upcoming hospital stay.

Maybe it'll just happen automatically like it does to John Hawkes in The Sessions.