Jealousy, disrespect, and extramarital intimacy

Let's say a girl and a guy have been friends since high school. This guy has always had somewhat of a crush on her, whereas she simply sees him as a good friend. Although he doesn't ever express his latent romantic feelings, it's well understood between the two of them that there is some unrequited love going on, but it doesn't adversely affect what is otherwise a perfectly healthy friendship.

During college, the girl meets a different guy, dates him for a few years, moves in with him for a few years, and eventually they get married. All the while, she remains good friends with the guy from high school, who from the beginning has openly expressed to her his dislike of the husband, without ever really directly acknowledging or showing any sign of acceptance of the other guy. He doesn't attend the wedding, and later tells her it would've been "too painful."

From early on in her relationship with him, the wife was completely forthcoming with her husband about the nature of her friendship with the other guy. The husband never felt threatened by or jealous of the other guy, and he was respectful of her right to maintain friendships with whoever she wanted. However, the husband feels disrespected by the other guy, and he makes this known to her. She tells him not to take it personally, because he would be jealous of anyone else. Since it's a very passive dislike, involving no actual interaction between the two of them, he feels the right thing to do is to just forget about it.

Years pass, the friendship continues, the husband finds it more and more difficult to ignore the feeling of being disrespected by the other guy, and he starts to become upset about it. The wife is sympathetic, but feels that her friend has a right not to be friends with him. Her husband agrees, but claims to not be seeking friendship with the guy as much as he is a sign of respect that he is OK with the relationship. The husband makes a few attempts to initiate a civil discussion about what he feels has now grown into a problem. He sends the guy a Facebook friend request, which goes ignored. He then sends a message asking why the friend request was ignored, which is deleted before even being read. He asks his wife to ask her friend what the problem is, and he tells her that he simply doesn't want anything to do with him.

At this point, the husband feels that he shouldn't have to tolerate being disrespected by someone for the sake of his wife's friendship with that person. The wife argues that her friend isn't being actively respectful, but is instead merely being not disrespectful.

So, who's right and who's wrong? What's a reasonable solution? Group discussion? Dissolution of friendship? Divorce?

a man has a right not to have to put up with disrespect from a another man who is in love with his wife, and he also has the right to insist on certain ground rules in the friendship between his wife and that person.

The husband is being an insecure dick; the friend is being a petulant dick.

part of respecting your friends is respecting their significant others.

the friend is being v. childish

http://listentoleon.net/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/nodisrespect.jpg

I'm guessing los aequitas is the friend btw.

WmC otm

He doesn't attend the wedding, and later tells her it would've been "too painful."

then he is not actually her "friend" imo. he is her suitor. he should be honest with both husband and wife about his position, and then the wife is free to say "look, I'm gonna hang out with this dude, I like him, I know he wants to get with me but don't worry about it" and the husband is free to say "well, that pisses me off, but you're your own person, but I gotta say this situation sucks ass" and then after a couple of years of that, everybody can get some therapy except for the friend because for him that'll probably be too painful.

i would find it hard to continue to be friends with someone who was so dismissive of my partner

wife is at fault too

SB the whole lot of 'em

wife is at fault too

in what way? unless there's a "no being friends w/dudes who are crushed out you" rule in place, I'm not real sure she's done anything wrong - I do think, right, that it's weird to want to remain friends with someone who won't be cool to your husband/wife - anybody who doesn't dig my spouse is no friend of mine, period - maybe that is what you mean?

stand by your man

yeah i mean apparently she's tight with some dude who thinks her husband sucks and has no problem with that at all--totally wack imo. she had the ability to do something about this situation before it got all shitty and didn't.

she hasn't really " done anything wrong "

but she sure as hell wouldn't make me feel at home

husband should challenge other dude to a duel

i dunno, it seems as though she felt she could keep these parallel things going on without conflict. it's selfish and it never works.

she has a hidden agenda or she doesn't think very highly of her husband

otm

the friend is crushing on her so hard that he can't deal w/her having any other man - that's pretty hardcore, and for her to still think it's okay to be friends with him, when she knows this, just seems totally weird to me. if i had a close male friend who i knew was mad in love with me, to the point where he was actively and openly jealous of my partner, well... it would just be weird and i wouldn't continue to put my so-called friend through the pain of seeing me happy with someone else, or put my husband through that uncomfortable feeling of knowing this guy wants me. i mean... the OP's situation has been going on for years and years... that's so fucked up imo.

the husband has made efforts here, the wife thinks she's doing the right thing but isn't, and the friend is acting like a douche.

I can see both sides of the coin, but really, the 'friend' just needs to get over it. I had one of those moments back when I was a late teen, where I'd hate this one girl's boyfriends simply because they weren't me. Even though I knew (by way of her telling me directly) that her and I would never happen.

When I was like that, I was miserable. Life got much easier when I just admitted to myself that I couldn't have her, and gave their significant others a chance.

It ultimately boils down to wanting an impossible relationship with the girl - the kind where you have some of the affection and exclusiveness of a romantic relationship, but none of the committment or pressure. and it just can't happen. Is he going to pursue a dead end for the rest of his life?

either partner in a healthy long-term relationship would not tolerate this

B+ thread, I like when ILX turns into Savage Love.

lollll

i would find it hard to continue to be friends with someone who was so dismissive of my partner

^^^^^ This. Granted I haven't ever been married but my ex once told me of someone she was friends with who called me a 'douchebag' despite not knowing me, because he wanted her. She stopped talking to the guy afterwards. I can't imagine how I would have felt if the two of them remained chummy after he said such things about me.

velko otm

oderint dum metuunt is my position with regard to how my partner's friends feel about me tbh

This sort of falls under friends not having to be friends' friends (but with husbands and wives). I'm not defending the guy (the friend) and the way he's acting, but there's not a rule that everyone has to get along. We don't have the whole story, too - the husband might be a dick. The friend "has openly expressed to her his dislike of the husband."

lock the two rutting elks in a room, mate with whichever one comes out alive

when my husband and i first got together, he wanted to remain good friends w/his ex gf. i thought she was a fucking cunty-ho, personally, but they had been together a long time and he still cared about her. i was pretty uncomfortable about the friendship but he is a deeply loyal person, and felt he owed her something as a friend. my only ground rule - he asked me if it was okay to stay friends with her - was that the moment she said anything even remotely negative about me, that would be the end of it.

she lasted about a year, before going off the rails and saying shit about me/us all over facebook. personally, i loved it, bc it just proved to my husband what i had known all along - she was/is manipulative, conniving, and still a cunty-ho.

irl, this is an awful situation where everyone has a legitimate reason to feel shitty. Sometimes there is no happy answer.

In fake life, the three parties should have enter a complicated five-round tiered sex tournament, judged by 7 impartial observers on the grounds of passion, invention, sweat and a randomly drawn wild card factor.

and your husband followed through, right?

ZS is a visionary

xp lol u

cunty ho is a really terrific put down, A+

it's so shania twain, or something

only the song would be called "that cuntry ho"

lol surm

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

The husband is being an insecure dick; the friend is being a petulant dick.

This is more or less true. But given how they feel, and given that they're unlikely to ever feel any different, what changes in behavior do you think should, or could happen realistically? The husband should just drop it completely? The friend should just stop being her friend?

yeah i mean apparently she's tight with some dude who thinks her husband sucks and has no problem with that at all--totally wack imo. she had the ability to do something about this situation before it got all shitty and didn't.

She's not exactly as tight with the dude as she used to be. The wedding thing hurt, and they didn't talk for awhile after that. Often times, when the issue comes up, the wife will suggest that it's not worth even worrying about since their friendship already seems to be waning, and maybe it can just run its course naturally? Besides, it's not that the friend thinks the husband is terrible, he just doesn't want to be involved in that aspect of her life at all. He's kind of a socially avoidant kind of guy to begin with, a bit of a shut-in, and he's straddled this line between disapproval and disinterest in regards to all of her previous partners.

This sort of falls under friends not having to be friends' friends (but with husbands and wives). I'm not defending the guy (the friend) and the way he's acting, but there's not a rule that everyone has to get along. We don't have the whole story, too - the husband might be a dick. The friend "has openly expressed to her his dislike of the husband."

The husband and the friend are both well aware that they don't need to be buddies, so that's not the issue. The issue is that the husband feels the friend can't even be decent enough to meet him halfway between strangerdom and friendship, at this weird middle ground called the bare minimum of respect necessary to be civil with someone. It's true, though, the husband is kind of a dick. But he's working on it.

B+ thread, I like when ILX turns into Savage Love.

That's the idea. Dan wouldn't return my email.

well one person out of the three is gonna have to lose something, since two of them are married, it's the other guy.

if the other guy would have put more effort into being cool with the husband, maybe that'd be ok, but it sounds like that train left.

how well did he know the husband before he got married?

just curious cuz when I hated the 'other dude' in high school, there were often times that opinion was formulated within 5 minutes of meeting him. even if it was based on less than sufficient evidence.

WMC OTM throughout

The husband is being an insecure dick; the friend is being a petulant dick.

B+ thread, I like when ILX turns into Savage Love.

lock the two rutting elks in a room, mate with whichever one comes out alive

well one person out of the three is gonna have to lose something, since two of them are married, it's the other guy.

if the other guy would have put more effort into being cool with the husband, maybe that'd be ok, but it sounds like that train left.

― goole, Monday, April 12, 2010 11:40 PM

Red card for third wheel dick acting dude, yellow card for both husband and wife.

the other guy (the non-husband) needs to move on

The friend should just stop being her friend?

yeah. does the friend have a love life independent of crushing on the married chick?

once they're married n shit there is not much that you can do abt this

This I sort of have experience of. Situ totally different in major ways, but it ended this way:

First time I get to meet him, he is quiet, polite, gives the baby a pound for luck, and is never seen (significantly) again.

I guess the penny dropped.

From the descriptions here, sounds like the third wheel dude needs to learn to be a little less weird about this or give up on both of them - sure you don't have to be friends, but accepting a facebook request and not actively being a dick about him would be cool, y'know?

On the other hand, now I'm thinking of an old friend who is unfortunately married to a guy who gets insanely jealous if she so much as gets a birthday card from a male friend while also cheating on her all the time and trying to solicit other people to sleep with her (?!). I don't imagine anything nearly so weird or horrible is going on here, but I got a little shiver reading this thread thinking of how our friend's husband probably paints us as the weirdos for trying not to cut her off completely while not dealing with him at all. Brr.

If someone else is a problem in your marriage, it would seem to be a fairly simple decision.

other guy needs to get over it and either a) let the friendship go or b) learn to be civil to the husband.

obsession/(unrequited) love being what it is, i don't think staying "friends" is a good idea. basically t/s a lot of concentrated pain now vs years of sorrow punctuated by bursts of false hope.

yup

everyone otm

husband should challenge other dude to a duel

― jabba hands, Monday, 12 April 2010 22:07 (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

the correct answer

unrequited will probably lose unless it is Smiths mixtapes at dawn.

for the first couple years of our relationship my girl had a friend like this who was never like openly hostile to me but sort of clearly didnt like me--avoided her when we were together, only hung out when i wasnt around, etc. i felt like the husband did, whatever cant control her, and eventually the dude just sort of disappeared.

i mean i guess what im asking is, how is this even sustainable? my girlfriend has friends who i dont particularly get along with, and vice versa, but it seems almost impossible to keep up a serious, close, long-term friendship with someone who dislikes your partner so much they wont even see them.

I hated my best friend's first long-term adult boyfriend - but not because of a long-standing crush, he was just a dick. We drifted apart as their relationship ramped up - I didn't like him, he didn't like me, she spent most of her time with him and this being pre-Facebook/etc. eventually just lost touch.

Fast forward seven years, we reconnect, I was right - she took him back after affairs three times, he was a massive cunty ho, etc..

Then, ironically, we get in the same situation again, only it's my girlfriend who doesn't like her (and vice versa). Except now we're not 18 and stupid and manage to work shit out and all personal relationships are saved. Huzzah.

Husband is mostly not at fault, IMO. Other dude is in love with his wife and works at undermining their relationship. He went above and beyond in trying to befriend the friend at all, IMO.

milo- you and ur best friend are fated 2b

also otm in 2nd post.

Really, if a relationship and a friendship are at odds, then something's often kind of off.

The wife in this situation is being kind of a jerk because she knows her relationship with the friend is kind of exploitative, in that the guy obviously has some sort of unrequited thing going on, or just really doesn't understand what she's about if he doesn't like the husband at all and can't even tolerate him. This is really one of those things where they need to kind of slowly drift apart in their friendship, or the dude needs to get the chip off his shoulder.

I've seen / been in situations like this where a girlfriend's ex was still hanging out, etc. but we never really met. It may be different because the original post here is about a friend, but I really kind of guess that she knew what was really going on, even before the guy broke down and confessed that he was in love with her.

wife in this situation is way more than a jerk imo. everyone is kind of at fault but shes not doing right by either guy.

how so?

i dunno, it seems as though she felt she could keep these parallel things going on without conflict. it's selfish and it never works.

imo the husband is basically blameless w/r/t the matter at hand, going on what we're given. the wife probably isn't handling the sitch ideally but in the end it's down to the third wheel to do what he oughta, ie walk away. maybe she should tell him to i guess.

yeah, she needs to tell him to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJmBlO-YWcM

thing is, the friend doesn't have owe any loyalty to the husband, so while i think he's being a dick, i see where he's coming from. the wife otoh is fucking over both of them - she should be showing some loyalty to both, by parting ways with her friend for his own well-being and by considering her husband's needs a little more.

totally agree
she must not want to admit that she gets some sort of satisfaction from this arrangement; if it made her that uncomfortable, she could have (and probably should have) ended it long ago.

believe it or not, my mom was in a situation like this, hence my quiet (up to this point) following of this thread

i dunno, it seems as though she felt she could keep these parallel things going on without conflict. it's selfish and it never works.