If You Could Punch Any Filmmaker In the Face...

Oh, and Dorothy Arzner, because, um, she's the first female director I thought of, and I wonder what it'd be like to punch a woman in the face.

Not disrespecting either of the above, though. For sheer foulness imposed upon the form, probably either Kevin Smith or Robert Rodriguez - if only for the bullshit they paved the way for and gave implicit rise to.

EXT. A RESTAURANT IN CALIFORNIA - DAY

STEVEN SPIELBERG, QUENTIN TARANTINO and MEL GIBSON are brunching on the balcony of an exclusive Malibu eatery. The blueness of the ocean is outdone only by that of the sky.

SPIELBERG: Well done Mel. $97 million opening weekend -- that's going to be tough to beat. That's why I asked the two of you here today.

TARANTINO: You know, the three of us meeting here, man, is really incredible, it's like, I'm actually at lunch with Steven Spielberg, and I've seen The Sugarland Express like a thousand times. And Mel, did I ever tell you that it sucked that they dubbed your voice in Mad Max, I mean, what was that about? Don't they know that true cineastes...

GIBSON: (interrupting) I'm a busy man boys. Get to the point. Oh, and Stevie, sorry about the Christ-killer thing but it's my duty as a Catholic to spread the word.

SPIELBERG: Are you kidding? For that box office take I'd kill him myself. (smirks) I have this idea. The three of us write and direct a film that will...

Quentin starts waving his hands around like a Ritalin-deprived nine year old.

QUENTIN: I know, I know! There's this really rare 1948 film from mainland China called The Sound of Two Sesame seeds directed by the great Xgung Wu...

CUT TO:

EXT. A BEACH, HALF A MILE AWAY - DAY

ERIC, JAY, and TODD are standing over a wooden box with a large metal plunger.

JAY: Now?

The three nod in agreement. Each puts a hand on the plunger and pushes down with all their might.

CUT TO:

EXT. AN EXPLODING RESTAURANT IN CALIFORNIA - DAY

The restaurant is being blown to bits in slow motion while a suitable Pink Floyd tune is playing.

FADE OUT.

I'd punch the chick-or-dude Wachowski sister...

but j4n, i'm afraid if you start something with godard, i've got his back--JLG's my boy. :)

Buddha--beautiful screenplay!

i guess i would like to bunch claude autant-larar in the face because he was a crypto-fascist idiot. but he's dead now so far as i know.

i would like to punch luc besson in the face because he sued a french magazine out of business for giving him a negative review!

Emotional Manipulation

also check out the "film rockism: friend or foe?" post

Don't feel bad about Michael Bay bashing--his an overrated music-video-director-posing-as-filmmaker douchebag with a mullet that should have been sheared back in 1985. The fact that Criterion released "Armageddon" still boggles my mind, and caused me to lose respect for the company a slight deal. Luckily, it was regained when they released "By Brakhage".

The funniest thing about the Criterion disk is that the only person they could find to write the liner notes essay was his old film school professor!

the problem with the scores to spielberg's movies is that they are often BAD-- not very inventive

Has the hate for Roberto Benigni softened?

hey, get it right, the name's Turd Ferguson!

Be a man...be a winner...winners don't shiver...

but yeah, lets kick the shit out of Ed Burns.

Oh, oh, and Tim Robbins. Just to make sure he didn't make another film like The Cradle Will Rock.

Jeez, I can't believe I'm the first person to come up with that one...

Tim Robbins? Come on, he made "Bob Roberts"! The man's a godsend in Hollywood.

All through most of Platoon I was pretty skeptical.

At least Wall Street kept me laughing, what with the absurd dialogue/performances.

But as the first few frames of Born on the Fourth of July unspooled I knew I had to kick the shit out of Oliver Stone.

Tom Hanks: his shitfest sixties "beat music" film (what was that called?) qualifies this dido as a "director", so he gets two punches - one for this filma nd one for everything else he's been involved with.

And if you would have asked me a year ago: Leni Riefenstahl. Because I wonder what it would feel like to punch a 100 year old Nazi woman's face in. Perhaps it would crumble to dust like the books in "The Time Machine" did. Then wouldn't it be weird to reflect on the fact that your fist struck the same flesh Hitler himself probably once touched and/or kissed? Goebbels too. And Jesse Owens! There'd be a lot of history in that facial dust, that's for sure.

i think the arguments about leni riefenstahl are always valid. i'm personally of the camp that thinks she's no less complicit as a propagandist as Frank Capra or even whoever is doing the new campaign commercials for W--just doing a good gig for a charismatic warmongering sociopath politician.

I'd also punch Ingmar Bergman, just for a laugh. I mean, I love his films and everything, I think he's a visionary. It'd just be funny to knock him for six.