the Cubs had an unlicensed trainer last year?

We understand the Cubs have a feeble, hapless Charlie Brown existence. We know they're battling farm animals, perpetual paranoia and turtleneck-choked fans. But if they're also so internally incompetent that they employ an unlicensed head trainer, who was ratted out by the assistant trainer just months after they fired the previous head trainer, then riddle me this, Ronnie Woo-Woo:

How are they supposed to win a World Series in our lifetime? When management is appointing alleged quacks to heal injuries on a team that lost Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and too many other players to the most mysterious disabled list I've seen in sports -- remember the sneeze that toppled Sammy Sosa? -- isn't it time to dismiss the cause as hopeless and move on to junk bonds as a hobby?

It's hard to believe, even by Cubbie standards, that general manager Jim Hendry would hire a trainer who wasn't licensed to practice in the state of Illinois and wasn't equipped to treat a rash of injuries that helped wreck the 2004 season. But such was the charge made Wednesday by deposed assistant trainer Sandy Krum, who said he told Hendry in August about the professional shortcomings and behind-the-scenes bungling of the since-fired head trainer, Dave Groeschner. Krum is suing the Cubs in Cook County Circuit Court for wrongfully terminating his employment, and to some degree, we must consider the grudge of the source.

Still, Cubdom should realize by now not to disregard any story as too bizarre. This was the dysfunctional season, after all, when players feuded with broadcasters Steve Stone and Chip Caray, the Rev. Johnnie B. Baker lost control, a sulking Sosa quit on the team after ripping fans and media all year, and on-field oneupsmanship became a bigger priority than winning games. Why wouldn't these vicious office politics also involve trainers? Who wouldn't Krum and Groeschner be on the verge of blows as Moises Alou and Kent Mercker wanted a piece of The Evil Stoney? And why wouldn't reasonable folks at least listen to Krum's claim that Groeschner, who replaced Dave Tumbas last offseason, lacked the credentials to properly assess and tend to injuries?

To this day, I'm utterly baffled by a series of diagnoses that originally expressed optimism, only to unravel into long, distracting and suspicious stays on the DL. Prior was supposed to return in a week or so, then missed two months. Wood was expected to miss a start or two, then missed a couple of months. Sosa sneezed and wasn't seen for weeks. Todd Hollandsworth went away and never came back. Why? Maybe now, we're finally getting answers, disturbing as the suggestions seem.

"Not only did the Cubs break the law, but this activity indeed is what led to prolonged stays on the disabled list for the 2004 Cubs team,'' Krum said. "After being informed by me, [Hendry] allowed a non-licensed athletic trainer to continue as head athletic trainer, knowing that this was against the laws of the state of Illinois.''

Do the Cubs think they're above the law? More likely, they are too inept to know the law or do due diligence regarding the law, but there are larger issues here. In a city of world-class medical centers, several within a quick drive of Wrigley Field, the Cubs can't find one decent trainer to make sense of it all? Ever hear of a sports team employing three trainers in a 14-month span? Incredibly enough, there's mounting evidence that they were as sloppy with their medical staff as they were in obtaining building permits for the Crumbling Confines. Hendry said Groeschner was licensed in the state and worked eight years in the San Francisco Giants organization, not that one has a thing to do with the other. The Cubs released a statement calling Groeschner a certified athletic trainer who received his license in Illinois. But Krum's suit claims Groeschner didn't receive his license until last month and that he was unlicensed during his Cubs employment.

With the holidays upon us, Cubdom figured it would be receiving happy news by now -- the unloading of Sosa's albatross contract, a bidding war for Carlos Beltran, the signing of a legitimate closer. None of those wishes has come true. Instead, the Cubs are out of the Beltran sweepstakes because they've yet to find a sucker willing to take on the Sosa gamble. If and when they find one, George Steinbrenner will be admiring Beltran in a pinstriped jersey at a Yankee Stadium news conference. They could be stuck with Sosa and all the related distractions unless they revisit a deal first proposed last month: Sosa to the Los Angeles Dodgers for Shawn Green, a pleasant teammate who will help the clubhouse mood but won't come close to Sosa's power production. Then again, Green may not approve a trade without a contract extension from the Cubs, not advisable with his career possibly in decline.

A pennant winner, this is not. Your closer is the unproven Ryan Dempster, who replaces the unproven LaTroy Hawkins and Kyle Farnsworth. The only thing shakier than the bullpen is the ballpark, where the world-famous Stan Kaderbek, the city's buildings commissioner, says the Cubs need a better device than nets to catch the falling concrete chunks that nearly struck fans in three alarming cases last year. Rather shockingly, the Cubs have done little to fix the ancient park in the 11 weeks since the season ended.

You want good news, you get more bad news. Imagine if some players are trotted into court to testify in Krum's lawsuit. This would confirm what we first learned last June, during Prior's ill-fated autograph session at a Naperville store called Just Ducky Too.

The Cubs are a bunch of quacks.