TJ Simers Presents Jackass/Dumbass Baseball Media 2011

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-simers-20110322,0,2566017.column

New Dodgers left fielder hits a home run every 15.58 at-bats. Unfortunately, he gets very few of those, thanks to his defensive shortcomings and the fact he plays only against left-handers. The Dodgers aren't even sure how his last name is pronounced.

By T.J. Simers

March 21, 2011, 9:50 p.m.

From Phoenix

They stay for a while, sharing the common trait of taking themselves very seriously, before they just disappear.

Go right down the list of head cases, and I won't even mention the name of Gary Matthews Jr. But how about Kevin Brown, Chad Kreuter, F.P. Santangelo, Kenny Lofton, Esteban Loaiza, Brian Jordan, George Sherrill, Jason Phillips, Odalis Perez, Andruw Jones and now Marcus Thames?

Marcus who?

According to Dodgers' propaganda, this no-name thumper hits a home run every 15.58 at-bats — ranking him 27th in baseball history. Yowza!

Now you would think anyone ranked 27th in baseball history in anything would be a household name, but in his own clubhouse no one seems quite sure how to pronounce his name.

The Dodgers, while gushing about his stats, instructed everyone in their propaganda to call him "Tims," while Tims tells everyone else his name is pronounced "Tems."

I just know this: It's hard to believe such a monster with the bat would be available as a free agent and so cheaply the Dodgers could afford to sign him.

It can't be long before Frank McCourt starts selling tickets to Thameswood.

So I thought I might talk to Tims/Tems on Monday. Ordinarily I don't like to start off a week talking to stiffs, but that leaves so few Dodgers to interview these days.

And besides, the Dodgers have assured me this stiff is different from all the others they have lined up to play left field. This guy can hit home runs with more regularity than anyone else they have. In fact, he's only 442 behind Manny Ramirez.

As big a hitter as the Dodgers' propaganda suggests, it's odd, though, that he's bounced around between the Yankees, Rangers, Tigers and Yankees again during the last nine years before coming to the Dodgers.

Maybe it's because he's averaged only 44 games a season on defense, prompting an obvious question.

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?'' I asked by way of introduction.

Maybe somebody else wastes time schmoozing with Tims/Tems, but he's a one-year rental who has some explaining to do. How bad are you on defense that teams don't dare risk playing you?

Tims/Tems just smiled.

I asked again, because I remember my dealings with Lofton, who would never answer the first question. Eventually he would, while also complaining, "You never write down what I say."

I always told him the same thing. "You're boring, but I come back hoping one day you might say something of interest."

When I came back on Tims/Tems, he sat silent. I can see one problem he might have on defense if everyone is relying on him to yell "I got it."

He said he wasn't going to talk to me because I hadn't introduced myself. That would have allowed him to pull out the little card the Dodgers' PR department provides players advising them how to get a running start on Page 2.

I can't imagine this is the first time in 10 years that Tims/Tems has been asked why he stinks on defense, thereby limiting his time as a regular player.

Unable to answer, he just stood and walked away.

All he would have had to say was, "It's now a Dodgers tradition to play left fielders who can't play defense," and everyone would have gotten one last laugh at Manny's expense.

Or, he could have said it's all part of GM Ned Colletti's master plan to get the team ready for the World Series when the Dodgers will require a DH. Or, he could have said, "Plaschke wanted Bynum traded, but I was with Page 2 all the way."

Instead he curled up into a ball, and I didn't even ask him about his anemic .248 lifetime batting average.

Now it's one thing to think outside the box when you don't have much money to spend, but does Colletti understand designated hitters are best employed in the American League?

When I ask Don Mattingly about Tims/Tems' horrific problems on defense, the manager says, "I'm not going to say he's [crummy] on defense. He's not a Gold Glove outfielder . . . he's OK. All we've asked Marcus to do is what he's supposed to do."

You can see what a motivational speaker Mattingly can be when it's necessary.

"All we will ask him to do," Mattingly says in giving it another try, "is to play up to his capabilities."

So right away I want to know, "Who won't you ask to play up to their capabilities?" I'm expecting him to say Matt Kemp, but he says he wants the best out of everyone.

He goes on to say Tims/Tems' problems go way beyond criticism of his defense. "Maybe it's because he doesn't hit righties as good as lefties," Mattingly says.

So now we understand the Dodgers have a guy in left who can't catch, can't hit right-handed pitchers and can't answer questions about his obvious shortcomings.

And folks considered Manny a mess.

Colletti says the team has a hot prospect in Jerry Sands, so he didn't want to "clog up" left field with players who could play, thus the present mishmash.

The Dodgers haven't won a title in 23 years, so what's the rush?

Mattingly says Tims/Tems will start against left-handers, while indicating he has no idea who will start against right-handers. He probably has to call Joe Torre first.

But as you can see, excitement is building for opening day — maybe opening day a year or two from now.

Tags: dumbass, jackass, asshole

i don't even

http://www.latimes.com/media/thumbnails/columnist/2008-12/267119-19093537.jpg

oh my

http://www.latimes.com/media/thumbnails/columnist/2008-12/267119-19093537.jpg

what the fuuuck

the whole premise of the column is predicated on the columnist believing the dodgers bs about marcus thames & not saying to himself "i've been in this business 20 years, i'm not going to write a whole column predicated on a baseball team's preseason spin of a backup outfielder"

i felt it was more predicated on "i have this press badge which gives me permission to be a complete dick"

well yes, that also

That is horrrrrrible.

if you guys are not familiar with tj simers, i recommend getting to know him. he's quite the piece of work.

I definitely have read my share but that is awful even by his standards.

Useful only when writing about Jeff Kent, imo.

that's really terrible. that sort of nonsense may even be below jim gray's level of "hey, look at me!" proviocation.

The only thing I would ever tell Simers if he tried to interview me would be "eat shit"

This is going to go on all season, isn't it?

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-simers-20110323,0,2631554.column

MARCUS THAMES, pronounced "Tims/Tems," ran past me carrying a first baseman's glove. I guess the Dodgers don't want him to hurt himself, so they took away his outfield glove.

"Come on and help me out," he says with a laugh.

He caught the first eight out of 10 ground balls at first, the next 11 straight and I guess the Dodgers will be moving James Loney to left field.

"So go ahead and ask me the question you wanted to ask," says Thames, as friendly as his teammates had described him before walking off in a snit a day earlier.

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?"

"No, I'm not that bad of a defensive player," he says, and that wasn't so tough, now was it?

"When I first got to the big leagues I was labeled a DH," he says, so why would the Dodgers hire a DH?

"They're not getting a DH," he says. "If I can get out there on a more consistent basis, I can prove myself."

The Dodgers are going to platoon Thames in left field with a cast of rejects because he also has the reputation for not being able to hit right-handed pitchers.

"Certain righties," he says. "I'm a better hitter against right-handers than people think."

Now as for running away from the obvious question a day earlier, Thames says, "I didn't handle it well because I've never been approached the way I was approached. It shocked the hell out of me."

I found it odd that over the last nine years that no one had asked him about his poor defense keeping him from becoming an everyday player.

"I heard talk, but no one had ever said it directly to me," he says, understandably thrilled now to have it said to his face rather than behind his back.

Just took him 24 hours to be thrilled. That's all.

what a phenomenal prick. i wonder if anyone has ever asked him about his shitty writing?

To Create a Winner, You Have to Find the Winners

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/27/sports/baseball/27score.html?_r=1

David Eckstein is one player whose contribution far exceeded his talent. A walk-on in college and a 19th-round draft pick, he still managed to make the postseason in 4 of his 10 major league seasons, played on two championship teams and was the most valuable player of the 2006 World Series.

On the other end of the spectrum one might find Carlos Beltran, a four-time All-Star with the Mets. While he recovered from knee surgery last year, they won 48 of their first 88 games, and were only four games out of the National League East lead at the All-Star break. Then Beltran rejoined the team. The Mets went 31-43 (.419) the rest of the way and finished 18 games out of first place.

Their decline cannot be attributed solely to Beltran, but the Mets did not improve with him in the lineup.

On the other hand, the Mets went 42-36 (.538) with Ruben Tejada, the team’s highest winning percentage among position players with extended time on the field. Ike Davis had the best winning percentage at .503 (74-73); only David Wright was on the field for more Mets victories (75).

^^^ was just gonna post this

Did anyone read these two blog posts from Murray Chass?

Here's the one where he says that Stan Musial was racist and anti-labour:

http://www.murraychass.com/?p=3118

Posnanski tore him apart for that one on his own blog, which is how I found out about this.

And here's his weekly "takedown" of sabermetrics:

http://www.murraychass.com/?p=3106

I guess Chass skipped the chapter about defense in "Moneyball". Maybe he should have waited to see the movie instead.

Apparently this one's behind a paywall, but why deprive you all of this gem:

All-Star pitcher Ryan Vogelsong, for instance, is batting .250 for the Giants. That is almost 10 points better than infielder Miguel Tejada's .241 average.

Fellow starter Madison Bumgarner, for another instance, owns a .226 on-base percentage, which is better than the .220 on-base percentage that Bill Hall owned as a Giant before he was hurt last week while playing second base.

This isn't about a small sample size, either. Batting right-handed, Vogelsong has seven hits in 28 at-bats. Batting right-handed, switch-hitting outfielder Andres Torres has two hits in 26 at-bats.

Ups, not paywall, free registration but w/e.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/07/19/SPN51KCC7U.DTL

THT analyzes at-bat/entrance music in MLB:

http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/article/name-that-tune/

How the fuck did McCutchen get into Basenectar (sic)?

Ozzie Guillen
Best and fun o dog whit millar and rose awesome best one ever yessss

Richard Griffin telling the kids to get the hell off his lawn:

http://www.thestar.com/article/1053175--griffin-al-s-most-valuable-has-to-be-verlander

As for my view on the new generation of baseball statistics, I will just quote from the legendary R&B and soul icon Edwin Starr and his hit song for the Temptations: “War, huh, good God. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Listen to me.”

It's especially hilarious because he's RONG on both the music and baseball sides of things.

(the Temptations were the first to record "War", but they never released it as a single, so it wasn't a "hit song" for them)

(the sentence also implies that Starr wrote the song *for* the Temptations, which also isn't true)

the Wall St Journal, moronic on baseball subjects too:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204485304576645521305549678.html

http://espn.go.com/espn/commentary/story/_/page/keown-111025/goofiness-2011-world-series-makes-memorable

"The best part? We might get two more games of this. We might get two more games of Ron Washington riding the dugout rail like a jockey on the home stretch in the Derby. "

IS THIS RACIST YN

I dont think hes even trying anymore..

http://www.latimes.com/sports/college/usc/la-sp-1026-plaschke-mike-napoli-20111026,0,6425851.column

The Angels never gave up on Napoli's hitting, and, in fact, valued it even more than the Rangers, as he had nearly 100 fewer at-bats with the Rangers this season than with the Angels last year.

Apparently our friend Bill isnt familiar with the concept of walks not being counted as at bats and the disabled list.. Either way if the Angels gave a fuck about Napoli they would have designated Mathis for assignment to pry him from Scioscia's cold dead hands.

Scioscia's not much more intelligent on this subject:

"I think we have to wait a couple years first. Right now, it's obvious. Mike Napoli is having an incredible run with Texas," Scioscia said. "He was certainly capable of doing what he did and we valued him. The thing that cracks me up is when people say we didn't think he was any good. We played him a lot more than Texas has this year over his career with us."

Yeah, well they did if you count this year against his entire angels career

so happy this came back to bite Scioscia in the ass. having said that, Napoli is no .300 hitter.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-dwyre-selig-mccourt-20111103,0,907241.column?page=1

To many in this generation of sports critics who have a pair of pajamas, a laptop and a basement to type from, he is known as "Bud Lite," or "Bad-Hair Bud." He is an easy target because he is 77 years old, doesn't look or speak like a movie star, hails from a burg called Milwaukee and is most effective out of sight of cameras and TMZ.

We live in an age of Kardashian shallowness, and Selig's roots are deep in the soil of hard work and slow-moving compromise. He is snail mail in a texting world.

http://www.latimes.com/media/thumbnails/columnist/2008-12/23456599-19093659.jpg

slow-moving is right.

i've decided this guy is an idiot.

http://i753.photobucket.com/albums/xx177/tupac-chopra/46336_slug_lg.jpg

he is known as "dummy bud selig" and "bud selig is a jerk"

seriously did this old dude just make up slurs from alleged internet rapscallions?

http://www.google.com/search?q=%22bad-hair+bud%22+selig

About 9 results (0.14 seconds)

One of the "Bud Lite" culprits: SKIP BAYLESS.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=bayless/050812

thought this article was interesting.. an analysis of Heyman shilling for Boras

http://www.yankeeanalysts.com/2012/02/heyman-by-the-numbers-38590

interesting. but how is it dumbass?

There is not kickass media about dumbass media thread.

no instead of not

ah true.

uh heyman is a dumbass? I dont know I got confused when searching for a baseball journalism thread

i let the fact that it's 2012 slide ;)

If you believe Jack Morris pitched to the score and that no one wanted to face him, yeah, you are a dumbass.

really, we need a whole new year of dumbass

ICE COLD Simers:

In reading about the Dodgers before arriving, I see that Todd Coffey is comfortable being fat. That worked so well for Jonathan Broxton. But apparently Coffey is different because he likes to run from the bullpen to the mound.

On a bright note, with Aaron Harang, Ted Lilly and Chris Capuano in the pitching rotation, Coffey might get the chance to run himself into shape.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-simers-dodgers-20120320,0,5760230.column?page=1

Tim McCarver is still terrible.

if only elston howard had taught him how to broadcast

I muted the tv to listen to Kinks songs while I work on that ballot, but caught a couple of innings of him just being a vegetable. He can't even fake making a coherent point anymore.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/04/opinion/pearlman-mariano-rivera/index.html?hpt=hp_bn7

certainly can't argue with rivera's bonafides but:

The best pitcher any of us has ever seen is, in all likelihood, done.

Yes, it needs to be said. Twice. Three times. Mariano Rivera, the Yankees' unparalleled 42-year-old closer, is the greatest pitcher of our lifetime. Better than Nolan Ryan and Steve Carlton. Better than Tom Seaver and Greg Maddux. Better than Dwight Gooden in 1985, Pedro Martinez in 1999, Justin Verlander in 2011.

Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson are rolling over in the graves

think i'd rather listen to mccarver than eric karros tbh

@JonHeymanCBS
At M83 concert. Oldest one here. By 25 years

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KPJ2Qfv0Ko&feature=player_embedded

Lord.

Listening to Bob Costas as the announcer for MLBtv was pretty rough yesterday. He spent like 20 minutes moralizing about Eric Chavez not running hard enough. It was endless.

harold reynolds is probably the most wrong person i've ever heard

he will literally just say whatever

Take your pick

http://msn.foxsports.com/writer/Jon_Paul_Morosi

OK, here's one from September 18:

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/detroit-tigers-poor-defense-unearned-runs-hurting-playoff-chances-091712

The Chicago White Sox haven’t sprayed champagne or passed out American League Central championship T-shirts, but that day will arrive soon enough.

And then a tweet from today:

The #Tigers have been greatest benefactors of changed postseason schedule. My column at http://FOXSports.com : http://on-msn.com/QJYugb @MLBONFOX

Why wait for two series to play more than one game to make this statement?

There is no doubt that Bronson Arroyo is the best pitcher in MLB right now.

Giants made Arroyo look like Greg Maddux.

Some guy on CNN, proffering advice to Bud Selig, just said Atlanta and St. Louis had their game "decided by a blown call." Meaning a game where you've got one out, bases loaded, and you're down 6-3 in the 8th inning is pretty much a sure thing.

I've made sure not to say anything that stupid, but it would have been nice to find out how the game would have ended without a blown call. I'd probably put their chances of tying at about 25%.

The 2/3 schedule really doesn't make for much of a "home field advantage"

The answer's here. Somewhere. But since the table's per 27 outs, I think further calculations are required.

5.00 r/27    3.75 r/27  5.00 r/27
| runners_on_bases | outs | boLI_tango | boli_low | boli_high |
+------------------+------+------------+----------+-----------+
| 000              |    0 |       0.90 |     0.92 |      0.90 |
| 000              |    1 |       0.65 |     0.63 |      0.65 |
| 000              |    2 |       0.41 |     0.40 |      0.41 |
| 100              |    0 |       1.43 |     1.60 |      1.43 |
| 100              |    1 |       1.16 |     1.20 |      1.16 |
| 100              |    2 |       0.78 |     0.79 |      0.78 |
| 010              |    0 |       1.14 |     1.30 |      1.14 |
| 010              |    1 |       1.19 |     1.33 |      1.20 |
| 010              |    2 |       1.07 |     1.17 |      1.08 |
| 001              |    0 |       0.97 |     1.09 |      0.94 |
| 001              |    1 |       1.29 |     1.53 |      1.28 |
| 001              |    2 |       1.26 |     1.36 |      1.25 |
| 110              |    0 |       1.74 |     2.06 |      1.74 |
| 110              |    1 |       1.80 |     2.02 |      1.81 |
| 110              |    2 |       1.53 |     1.63 |      1.54 |
| 101              |    0 |       1.45 |     1.70 |      1.42 |
| 101              |    1 |       1.71 |     2.10 |      1.70 |
| 101              |    2 |       1.64 |     1.72 |      1.64 |
| 011              |    0 |       1.28 |     1.52 |      1.29 |
| 011              |    1 |       1.44 |     1.66 |      1.43 |
| 011              |    2 |       1.75 |     1.85 |      1.75 |
| 111              |    0 |       1.82 |     2.31 |      1.85 |
| 111              |    1 |       2.31 |     2.75 |      2.30 |
| 111              |    2 |       2.60 |     2.84 |      2.58 |

You can also use that table to determine the exact day you will die.

http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/03/22/why-doesnt-major-league-baseball-just-suspend-ryan-braun-and-see-what-happens/

writers who dont believe in lawsuits

http://c.o0bg.com/rf/image_80x80/Boston/Library/Staff/Caricatures/shaughnessy.png

http://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/2013/05/07/red-sox-slugger-david-ortiz-says-hard-work-not-steroids-has-him-torrid-pace/G5lIcF9HOmUYJECJyd9zrO/story.html

Mitch Williams @WildThingMLBN

I walked 7.5 guys per 9 inns. In my career. Is there anyway I should have saved 192 games? On paper, no way. Thank god I didn't play on pape

(yes there was no r)

who's gonna tell Mitch it's a junk stat?

We in Toronto remain lifelong Wild Thing fans.

This (inspired a Posnanski column today) has to be read to be believed:

http://www.themorningsun.com/sports/20131218/caputo-by-any-standard-morris-and-trammell-belong-in-baseball-hall-of-fame

The difference, the game overall was much less offensively porductive in the 1950s and, especially the 1960s, when Drysdale did his most impressive work. Hence, Drysdale had a much lower ERA.

Pat Caputo is even worse on the air.

The best line of all is the reminder that retired-in-'94 Morris did all his pitching during the heyday of steroids. Luckily for him, though, he was in the American League during the great Howard Johnson-Glen Davis HR chase of 1988.

Sorta hilarious that he's unaware that plenty of stat-heads champion Trammel and Whitaker like crazy!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v212/etienne_saint/ScreenShot2014-05-14at90303PM_zps19432812.png

Brian Jordan just said that Javy Lopez deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. "He's just such a nice guy."

Oh wow, it had been a while since I heard an announcer call a Japanese player "crafty."

Frank Tanana presents jackass baseball media 1977

http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1368&dat=19770615&id=F3BRAAAAIBAJ&sjid=3hEEAAAAIBAJ&pg=6993,2552923

FRANK TANANA
Fox Hunter

SweetSpot has settled into a format whereby they summarize every postseason game in five key moments. That's fine, but between David Schoenfield's text, they fill the page with Tweets. Quite annoying and quite useless.

http://espn.go.com/blog/sweetspot/post/_/id/52581/wongs-home-run-wins-a-postseason-classic

Three of the tweets SweetSpot reposted yesterday:

They did it!!! They did it!!! #Royals to the World Series!!!!!
@KoltenWong goes yard AGAIN. #NLCS
3 scoreless innings for Yusmeiro Petit.

Helpful.

The nerds have officially taken over the world. Just give into it. All those guys who used to sit in the back of the classroom with their black horn-rimmed classes, pocket calculators and clothes their mommies picked out?

They run things now. They’re making the decisions and signing the paychecks. All those years spent cozying up to the jocks and the popular kids just wasted.

The Dodgers have been undergoing an amazing transformation the past few weeks, going from a mostly old-school front office to one brimming with guys who know “analytics” and “sabermetrics,” which I think are the same thing, but I’m not taking any chances.

good job, good effort

Ryan Theriot laughs it off

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mlb-big-league-stew/ryan-theriot-laughs-off-dodgers-hiring-of-gm-farhan-zaidi-190201826.html

Murray Chass has borne many sons. xp

That Theriot thing makes me want the Giants to forfeit their 2012 WS just to take a ring away from him.

brandon mccarthy pointed out that both of theriot's rings were given to him by general managers who 'didn't play'

rob neyer loves the decemberists

i'm all for pooping on the cardinals, but c'mon plaschke

FBI probe of Cardinals makes it fair to question series with Dodgers

Man...

http://deadspin.com/t-j-simers-wins-7-1-million-judgement-against-the-los-1740676493

@BillShaikin
#Dodgers ask you to pay $6 for a 20-oz Coke but draw a financial line in the sand with Greinke? lat.ms/1Nyf6lz

hope andy mccullough literally shits on this guy's face

@LAObserved
Confirmed now: judge strips T.J. Simers of all $7.1 million in damages in suit vs LA Times.