He's not bitter - honestly.

I now know how they must have felt when they set fire to a couple of bails and created the Ashes legend. I feel like gathering a lot of Englishmen, a healthy portion of South Africans and a few upper and middle order Australian batsmen together with Buchannan and his laptop and setting all of the weak pricks alight. Their ashes could form the base for my rose garden for all I care. At the very least, this Christmas day when the pasty, physically inferior milk bottles go down to Bondi and in there hundreds scream for help in the thumping 1 foot swell, I'd suggest it wouldn't be a bad thing to let them drown.

And isn't it fantastic to see Matty (dropped the bundle all series) Hayden smiling again?? Like we need to see another fucking Australian making every effort to win the smileathon that has become this Ashes series. At least Brett was still trying to cause grievous bodily brain damage to that smiling idiot Haggered in the dying hours. I respect a team that wins well and in honour of that spirit I stayed up to the wee hours of this morning to watch the presentation of the urn. Imagine my horror when Mark Nicholas in his best Richie Benaud impersonation tries to get a feeling from the English players. Cue Strauss--oops sorry Souith African next --Pieterson--same accent, fuck, does anyone here even know the words to "Hope and Glory"? THE COACH, excellent, bugger..... his transvaal [self censored] hating tone is so bad he is actually difficult to understand.

The bowling coach he might be interesting to hear from, except that, you guessed it, he comes from Tasmania, shit. The wicketkeeper, good. Had an Aussie twang stronger than Gilly's. Mark by this stage is actually embarrassed enough to ask Errant Jones whether he is English for those wondering at home 'Course mate" he replies "just won the ashes haven't I" Can anyone tell me exactly where Murwillumbah is in England??, is it near Johannesburg? or perhaps it is near bagend in the Shire where Hoggard and his simple brother sam-wise Gamgee come from.

What a crock of shiT. Having a tattoo of some pussy cats on your arm doesn't make you English, Kev. I have to say though, that I now have a better understanding of who Kev draws upon for inspiration....... It's Michael Jackson, The hair, The walk, His questionable ball skills and that FUCKING voice......did anyone else hear him speak?? He is certainly biting down very hard on pillows at night is our Kev, little wonder he gets on with Warnie, Shane would pick up the English Rose's (drunk slappers) and Kev would get slops--being their heartbroken boyfreinds and husbands. What a vegemite drilling hoax. At least the King of Porridge "Sir Freddie" has a wife on the terrace as opposed to Kev who could only muster at this, his greatest hour a brother who looked right at home with a glass of bubbly talking children issues with players wives.

I feel guttered and you can shove this "it's good for cricket " platitude in your arse. We lost to a team that had Asley Giles in it as a bowling weapon ----FUCK ME. We sent a bunch of spiritless pricks over on a feel good farewell tour. Well good f^&king bye. I hope they feel justifiably proud nursing their complimentary orange juice up the pointy end of the plane this morning. Cause I feel like I've had a big night on rohipnul and wandered accidentally into Kevin¹s room. I am worried by the fact that given Warnies rate of impregnation that the English bowling stocks will be sensational for the next 35 years.

I guess though on a positive note, I will at least see more than 2 hours sun each day for the next six months and 23% of the people I work with will not go postal on me and be diagnosed as clinically depressed by the end of winter. I don't have to catch a tube and feel like I am going over the top into "no-mans land" every time I don't have to microwave my beer before I drink it. I can eat meat without that meat later eating my brain I don't have to consider Jamie "lovely jubblies" Oliver a countrymen, then again neither do half the team that now hold the Ashes. I don't have to wear floaties when I swim, and I don't have a national team that has been built on talent stolen from other countries. Ricky may come from Tassie but at least he is our little inbred.