The 5 Books They would make you read in Hell

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Ok, I got this idea off another thread in an exchange between Scott
Seward and O. Nate -- Thanks guys! ;)-- I'm tired tonight and feeling
a little silly. What would be the 5 books that Old Scratch (i.e. Satan) would make you read in hell. In the spirit of 'The Inferno'
if you can think of famous person that may have ended up "down below"
make a list of what they may be reading.

― Steve Walker (Quietman), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 03:29 (twenty-two years ago)

If I went to hell (not famous, but I'll probably end up there anyway), they'd make me read:

Love in Excess by Eliza Haywood
Empire of the Senseless by Kathy Acker
Generation X by Douglas Coupland
Murphy by Samuel Beckett
Pale as Real Ladies by Joan Crate

― August (August), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 03:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, take Pale as Real Ladies off the list and replace it with The Witches of Eastwick by John Updike.

― August (August), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 04:16 (twenty-two years ago)

5. Finnegan's Wake
4. The Critique of Judgment
3. Clarissa
2. The Ambassadors
1. Of Grammatology

― otto, Wednesday, 25 February 2004 04:28 (twenty-two years ago)

otto is pretty right on, but i'd swap out the ambassadors for tropic of cancer.

― lauren (laurenp), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 04:57 (twenty-two years ago)

five copies of "glamorama" by bret easton ellis - END OF THREAD.

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Sorry, but there's horror still to come:

1. All of Anais Nin's diaries
2. The Bush dog autobiography
3. The Time-Life books
4. The 1997 Dallas Cowboys' playbook
5. You Shall Know Us By Our Velocity (or whatever the exact title is, insert fart noise).

MMMM BWAH HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 05:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Also, all those goddamn Updike Rabbit books. Fuck a duck. There ought to be room for Joyce Carol Oates too. And Perec. Am I the only Francophile in North America who wants Perec erased from history? Gah!

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 05:58 (twenty-two years ago)

how many Harry Potter books are there?

― chris (chris), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 09:45 (twenty-two years ago)

you're assuming that Satan is sadistic and has no sense of humor?

The Master and Margarita, Bulgakov's Crime and Punishment for aspiring satanists/Stalinists

Justine (Good Conduct Well Chastised), de Sade's stroke book for latent sex offenders

Dante's inferno, the D&D Bible

Paradise Lost, now that IS sadistic

And hey, I loved Glamorama... maybe you didn't get it? But a good choice none the less

― donald, Wednesday, 25 February 2004 13:26 (twenty-two years ago)

The Lemony Snicket series.

And when Satan talks to you, he'll constantly explain words to you that he thinks you don't know.

e.g. Your torture today is going to be particularly ghastly- now, ghastly means repellent or frightening.

Man, I hate those books.

― Vermont Girl (Vermont Girl), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 13:35 (twenty-two years ago)

it's even scarier if you imagine that these are the only books you get for eternity:

1.The Bridges Of Madison County
2.Finnegan's Wake (Translated into Esperanto)
3.The Complete Ethan Hawke
4.The Collected Unpublished Juvenilia of Danielle Steel
5.The Cliffs Notes for Mitch Albom's The 5 People You Meet In Heaven

― scott seward (scott seward), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 13:57 (twenty-two years ago)

1. A Man in Full
2. And the Ladies of the Club
3. anything Nancy Fairbanks wrote
4. anything written (?) by Paris Hilton
5. since I'll probably go to Hell for not liking David Sedaris' or Michael Chabon's works, those will be on the reading list too.

― yesabibliophile (yesabibliophile), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 15:15 (twenty-two years ago)

haha this is such a funny thread that it makes me laugh in an atypical ILB fashion. I totally agree with that one fellow, otto, with the Kant and the Derrida; I think all you would read would be 20c. continental philosophy and French post-structuralism with no texts to act upon. You can't give the Wake b/c then something might come of everything.

― B. Michael Payne (This Isnt That), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 15:48 (twenty-two years ago)

I dont mean to say Kant is a 20c. continental philosopher. I mean, he's much too lucid (and maybe even supple). Give the sinners Heidegger since he was a Nazi anyway.

― B. Michael Payne (This Isnt That), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Che Guavara's Motorcycle Diaries will be in Satan's library.

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 16:17 (twenty-two years ago)

scott, I sincerely hope you're not a deity in my universe.

― The Second Drummer Drowned (Atila the Honeybun), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 16:22 (twenty-two years ago)

All the "Left Behind" books.

― LondonLee (LondonLee), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 17:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I would have thought Ayn Rand ended up in hell. But Satan wouldn't make her read her own drivel (as her solipsistic self would find that too heavenly) so he'd probably make her read Chomsky, Mayakovsky, Sartre, Michael Moore, and Marcuse.

― Michael White (Hereward), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 18:09 (twenty-two years ago)

anything written by mitch albom. that's hell.

― a spectator bird (a spectator bird), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Probably a canon of Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts. Maybe with some Jackie Collins thrown in. And just for kicks, some Aristotle (so dry!) and finally anything by Bill O'Reilly.

― bookdwarf (bookdwarf), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 19:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Mason 'fuckin Dixon by Pynchon...what a bag of gas, unreadable
all crime books except elmore leonard
Microsoft Support Documents

― judson, Wednesday, 25 February 2004 19:40 (twenty-two years ago)

The only way to appreciate Finnegans Wake is if you had eternity to read it!

1. EM Forster, A Passage To India
2. Proust, In Search of Lost Time
3. Elizabeth Bowen, Death of the Heart
4. Updike, anything
5. more Updike

― Leee = y'know... whitey (Leee), Wednesday, 25 February 2004 22:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Ganging up on children's books is rather sad.

But my damnation list would be populated soley by a cyberpunk crapfest. Most notably:

Neuromancer - William Gibson
Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson

Interesting ideas. Horrible writers.

― el kabong, Wednesday, 25 February 2004 23:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't believe no one else has suggested it: DeLillo's Underworld.

The Dairies of Ann Frank.

Being and Time; Being and Nothingness

― David Joyner (David Joyner), Thursday, 26 February 2004 02:41 (twenty-two years ago)

"The Dairies of Ann Frank."

!!!

Little girl escpaes the clutches of the Nazis by hiding in a milk churn.

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Thursday, 26 February 2004 09:51 (twenty-two years ago)

how long have you been waiting to unleash that behemoth G? all the time I've known you at least.

― chris (chris), Thursday, 26 February 2004 09:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Years and years, but I knew the day would come...

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Thursday, 26 February 2004 10:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Kant is God, so the devil isn't going to make me read that. And Derrida is entertaining, in his own way. I think Hell's library is stocked with Mills & Boon/ Harlequin romances. And people writing *about* Derrida.

― SRH (Skrik), Thursday, 26 February 2004 10:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Two books I remember having to try and read at University - I can't remember who by.

Anglo-Burgundian trade agreements in the reign of Henry V.
The history of the Cluniac Monasteries.

The Prince. Machiavelli.

Daniel Deronda. George Eliot.

The Complete Works of Augustus Highland.

If you haven't heard of Highland, Google him: all his work is online I just reminded myself of his style at his website, where I found this:

"windscreen, by Jupiter! Who is he?" asked Drusus.

There were middle of these time sharing, omitting the watchman; and afterwhile they assembled in a group near the fire, some sitting, some fields prone. As they went bareheaded habitually, their hair breathless out in thick, dilettante, sunburnt shocks; their purgatory optimism their throats, and Jerod in mats down the breast; mantles of the skin of kids and lambs, with the fleece on, wrapped them from commodious to becoming, leaving the arms exposed; first name belts girthed the panic garments to their waists; their sandals were of the coarsest quality; from their right shoulders hung scrips containing food and in the daytime stones for slings, with which they were armed; on the ground near listen one sign his shot, a carriage of his shake and a weapon of offence.

To be fair, there's a certain panache about his unreadability.

― All Bunged Up. (Jake Proudlock), Thursday, 26 February 2004 14:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Henry Kissinger's forced reading in Hell:
The complete works of Noam Chomsky and Ed Herman, inclusive
Including all the notes. Guilt-inducing, and dry to boot!

Everybody else:
Oliver Twist (I love Dickens, but I couldn't finish this one)
Roderick Hudson (Henry James's first novel he didn't disown; gah!)
Roger's Version (Updike at his meanest-spirited)
Can't think of anything else at the moment ...

― Phil Christman, Thursday, 26 February 2004 18:26 (twenty-two years ago)

5. Enron's 10-K filings
4. The Holy Bible
3. Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson
2. Any Software User Manual
1. Anything by Deepak Chopra

― vi2pr8r, Sunday, 29 February 2004 08:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Alright, I'll admit I was free-associating when I opted for lil' Annie Frank.

― David Joyner (David Joyner), Monday, 1 March 2004 00:43 (twenty-two years ago)

1. Beowulf.
2. Of Mice and Men.
3. 500 Things to Be Happy About.
4. Tom Jones (by George Eliot).
5. ALL the garbage romance novels my library (where I worked) has ever received! ;)

― Dana, Monday, 1 March 2004 16:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Just one more:

Weezie Bat (by Francesca Lia Block).

― Dana, Monday, 1 March 2004 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

The Crust on its Uppers by Derek Raymond
JR by William Gaddis
White Noise by Don Delillo
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

all well-reviewed and all soulless to my way of thinking

― Big Buddha, Monday, 1 March 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Steve, I missed the extra fun last part of your question: what are famous dead people reading in hell! Oh boy, let's see... the Marquis de Sade is reading the Penthouse rejected-manuscript pile right now, for starters...

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 04:13 (twenty-two years ago)

The Celestine Prophecy
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Eggers
Anything by Orson Scott Card other than _Ender's Game_
The Magus by John Fowles
The Gold Bug Variations by Richard Powers... ecch!!

― Glenn Davis, Tuesday, 2 March 2004 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

The poetry of Richard Brautigan
Pamela - Samuel Richardson
Father and Son - Tony Parsons
High Fidelity - Nick Hornby
I don't know how she does it - Allison Pearson

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 12:40 (twenty-two years ago)

The most horrible book has to be gormenghast. Dry as a bone and the size of a concrete block. After half way through you don't know whether to start crying or knock yourself out the damn thing. Hate It!!!!

― sally, Tuesday, 2 March 2004 12:59 (twenty-two years ago)

my friend would say:
1, harry potter and the philosophers tone
2, harry potter and the chamber of secrets
3, harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban
4, harry potter and the goblet of fire
5, harry potter and order of the phoneix

but i would have to strongly disagree, i love them!!

― gaol clichy (clichy), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 13:41 (twenty-two years ago)

1. anything by Tom Clancy
2. anything by Charles Baxter
3. William Bennett's Book of Virtues
4. Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
5. and the worst, most unbearable "author" of all time: Mitch Albom

― Jeremy Boushelle (jbus), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 01:46 (twenty-two years ago)

HA ha ha ha... in Hell Whistler is reading Wilde and Monet is reading Flaubert.

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 03:13 (twenty-two years ago)

1) Great Expectations
2) Any Book written by a Presidential Candidate in the last 30 years.
3) Celebrity written ANYTHING-- bios, kids books you name it!!!
4) Anything by Henry James (Apologies to those who like him -- In my
book Henry is a Space Alien in a Victorian Suit!)
5) Any Business Book "written" by a big time CEO

― Steve Walker (Quietman), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 03:32 (twenty-two years ago)

...and right now in Hell, all the dead presidential candidates are reading Great Expectations...

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 03:45 (twenty-two years ago)

1. Oliver Twist
2. The Scarlet Letter
3. Any mainstream "historical fiction" romance novel (any will
suffice, as far as I can tell they're all basically the same).
4. Danielle Steele/Tom Clancy/Sidney Sheldon/John Grisham
5. And I'm sorry to those who enjoy him, but Thomas Pynchon is just
unbearably boring and unreadable.

That being said, my personal hell wouldn't have any books at all - that would be eternal torment enough!

― Natalie (Penny Dreadful), Thursday, 4 March 2004 06:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Anything by:

Tanith Lee
Barbara Cartland
Danielle Steel
Wilbur Smith
L Ron Hubbard

Oh yes, and whoever wrote that disgusting thing called "The Hours" should read all the works of all the above authors ad infinitum.

Oh yes, same for the author of the Celestine Prophecy. What a travesty.

― Margo B99, Thursday, 4 March 2004 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

High Fidelity - Nick Hornby
The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom
Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
The Nanny Diaries - Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 4 March 2004 23:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Catcher in the Rye
Lord of the Flies
Trainspotting
Culture Jam
Manufacturing Consent

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Thursday, 4 March 2004 23:37 (twenty-two years ago)

I have to add, all the copies of literary anthologies. Hell would be the perfect place for such redundance.

― yesabibliophile (yesabibliophile), Saturday, 6 March 2004 14:21 (twenty-two years ago)

to otto, who said "Finnegan's Wake"
to All Bunged Up, who said "Daniel Deronda" by George Eliot:

I defy your ignorance, sirs.

Your incapacity to understand should never be conveyed to others as an admonition not to see.

(Especially when you're as blind as a fuckin bat)

mcd

― McDowell Crook, Saturday, 6 March 2004 15:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Actually, I think in Hell they make you watch tv...

― nowyat, Sunday, 14 March 2004 05:08 (twenty-two years ago)

BWAH HA HA HA nice!

― Ann Sterzinger (Ann Sterzinger), Sunday, 14 March 2004 06:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Touché, nowyat!

― yesabibliophile (yesabibliophile), Sunday, 14 March 2004 15:05 (twenty-two years ago)

To McDowell Crook, on behalf of All Bunged Up and myself, de gustibus est non disputandem. So nyah nyah.

― otto, Sunday, 14 March 2004 15:18 (twenty-two years ago)

One of them surely has to be Olive Schreiner's 'The Story of an African Farm' and possibly also George Gissing's 'New Grub Street' - both wrist-slashingly depressing.

― Nina Glyndwr, Friday, 19 March 2004 12:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I thought hell was full of your favorites books and authors, but everything is beyond reach.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Saturday, 20 March 2004 06:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Geek Love, five times. Tho' I thought it was Hell the first time through. IPOW, that is even worse than Geek Love!

― pepektheassassin (pepektheassassin), Tuesday, 23 March 2004 01:30 (twenty-two years ago)

1 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Eeeeeeeek!
2 Angel double Eeek
3 A Mother' Gift written by brittany spears and her mother-shudder
4 Anythin by Edith Blyton
5 Any thing with the word 'pony' in the title

― Ellen Lane (Ellen Lane), Saturday, 27 March 2004 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

1 Zorba the Greek

2 The Tao Te Ching

3 The Great Soviet Encyclopedia

4 Teach Yourself the Harmonica

5 The Hitchhiker's Guide Tetralogy

Cos I reckon the devil might be quite kind to me. Well, I've done him enough favours.

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd happily reread Zorba the Greek.

― otto, Wednesday, 31 March 2004 15:37 (twenty-two years ago)

Nikos Kazantzakis. Also wrote "The Last Temptation of Christ". Good man.

― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

two weeks pass...

Anything by Michael Moore
Anything by Karl Marx

― Franz Kafka (Franz), Friday, 23 April 2004 15:04 (twenty-one years ago)

A friend of mine is writing a book of short stories. He's not really a reader, let alone a writer. He asks, so what do you think? The only thing I can think to say (because, really, ya love the dude) is that you could see discussing his book on one of your book message boards some day. Of course, leaving out the title of the thread "The 5 Books They would make you read in Hell."

This book is destined now to go with me to Hell or my Hell may be to live out each story...

― yesabibliophile (yesabibliophile), Sunday, 2 May 2004 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

http://members.xoom.virgilio.it/Jewel_Italia/schede/libroa1.gif

― bnw (bnw), Sunday, 2 May 2004 15:59 (twenty-one years ago)

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