Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

Just read a thing about this weeks Detective Comics that makes Rebirth sound so misconceived, so fundamentally misguided, that it's almost impressive. Ffs...

tell us the thing so we don't have to read the comic

I haven't read the comic either, just read the news.

But the theme of Rebirth was that somebody had taken the connections, the love and the joy out of the DC. And in Detective Comics, they build on this, not by reintroducing love and joy, but by introducing the character who tries to make life as miserable for the heroes as possible, and succeeds. Which is so so wrongheaded, the whole point was to reintroduce the good parts, not make a gory story about someone trying to make it even more joyless. And it really makes me think the DC editors just are complete and utter morons. Though who is surprised.

apparently there's some mystery character ("Mr. Oz") who is abducting people and knows the truth about New 52 being some cosmic plan

I only read that in a web article but, if they introduced Watchmen into continuity and Dr Manhattan is responsible for other shit, it's pretty obviously Ozymandias, right?

yeah, definitely
at this point the only meta approach they have left to take is that we are in the comic reading the comic and we are the characters, now go fight crime

This new Doom Patrol sounds promising, but their pitch for the imprint it's under sounds too much like "we aren't competent enough to run Vertigo, so we got this famous band guy who is a comics dude to lend his cred to us and it's in continuity because we want all our properties intermingled"

Morrison's Doom Patrol was in continuity too! At least theoretically. It even had the Justice League make a guest apperance.

That said, the Umbrella Academy was exactly the sort of gloomy and angsty comic Morrison was against, so I don't have high hopes for Gerard Way's DP.

from the blurb for the first umbrella academy colelction:

Gerard Way, of My Chemical Romance, makes his comics writing debut in this outrageous superhero epic that Grant Morrison called ‘an ultraviolet psychedelic sherbet bomb of wit and ideas.’

sounds like he liked it!

Yeah, apparently they're pals, because Morrison appeared in his band's music video. Doesn't change the fact that UA has loads of the sort of angsty, emo garbage Morrison normally avoids in his comics.

Have you read Morrison's Doom Patrol?

Yes, and it ends on a more positive, anti-gloomy note than pretty much any other comic I've ever read.

UA is sneaky, because it's starts with an awesome, Morrisonesque scene involving the Eiffel Tower... But that just gets you lured in, and the rest of is like Claremont's mutant soap drama to a tenth degree.

xp yes but it gets there through unending mental turmoil!

I get MCR confused with Fall Out Boy.

Morrison puts his characters through endless mental turmoil, but you get the feeling he actually *likes* his characters, and the gauntlet will end with some kind of bittersweet triumph. He's very good (or used to be very good) at sustaining tension - those triumphs feel earned, and they usually come about in totally unpredictable ways. Every great Grant Morrison story feels like a tragedy, until it suddenly isn't.

Anyway - Umbrella Academy was (iirc) too masochistic about its characters - Hickman has the same problem.

I've already preordered all of the Young Animal stuff that's been solicited thus far. We'll see how long it takes me to regret that decision.

Had a quick go-through Doom Patrol yesterday, actually looks pretty good!

new Doom Patrol is maybe the best new DC book I've read this year!

the "where is niles caulder" page cracked me up

'maybe the best new DC book I've read this year' could easily be read as damnation with the faintest of praise tbf

'better than red hood and the outlaws!' raves ilx poster ulysses

Of all the barbwire-wrapped fists that have been jammed into my ass this year, that one was easily the least painful!

So is Caulder still just a head like he was at the end of the Vertigo run or are we pretending like any of the post-Vertigo DP stuff actually counts?

(I vote no on the latter, if only because they apparently killed off Coagula for no good reason.)

I think Dorothy and Jane got killed off by later writers too

Ugh. Later writers can fuck all the way off.

biz gaz: it was meant to be!

caulder is in the wheelchair but it's much more of an abstract storyline at the moment.

Trade paperbacks for the Rachel Pollack run are probably a lost cause at this point, right?

never read them. Worth the time, you think?

I'm rather fond of her run, particularly once she found her own distinctly un-Morrisonian voice. You could probably snag the entire thing for $20.

let's just say i snagged the entire thing in between posts. will report back.

I actually haven't read that run yet, but it sounds like one of the wilder periods in the series after Morrison, and what I've read about it at second hand makes me curious how Pollack (one of the only trans writers in the industry at that point, as far as I know) handled Coagula's characterization.

Ah, did not know that was part of where Pollack was coming from. Obvs that's some of Gerard Way's background too.

Action #963

Wow, this is dull. Superman Not Superman does a journalism and gets thrown off a roof for his troubles. 80s Superman saves him. Next month: THEY HAVE A CONVERSATION!

All-Star Batman #2

The reason this is the best Batman book at the moment is because it's well-placed, well-planned, has good art and an engaging story. Comics. They're not difficult.

Batgirl & BoP #2

This is all over the place, and TRIGGER WARNING is in a different continuity to the Batgirl book, the Green Arrow book and Grayson (even if it claims the opposite for the latter - but the Batman in Grayson knows who the Huntress is and he doesn't here). There's a picture of Babs at a computer which is Liefeld-esque in anatomy errors. And Computer Dad-Dancing. I hate Computer Dad-Dancing.

Deathstroke #2

Just crap. Flogging this dead horse is beyond me.

Detective #940

Tim Drake joins the Dead Robin Club. OR DOES HE? Mr Oz seems to have him for NEFARIOUS PURPOSES.

Green Lanterns #6

The plot from the first 5 issues is wrapped up in two pages, and mostly off-page. Really, why bother? Guantanamo Lantern gets an attack of guilt and decides to pay for the bear he shoplifted. Plus a Guardian that describes himself as insane. Deep joy.

Hal Jordan #4

In which we learn Guy Gardner is naked and the uniform is just painted on by his ring. Talk about space junk! FNARR FNARR!

New Super-Man #3

I have NO idea what this is supposed to be. A comedy book about the League of Substitute Heroes thinking they're the Justice League? It's the best issue yet, but still a confused mess.

Red Hood #2

There are easier ways to get Bizarro into your book.

Suicide Squad #2

So it looks like I was wrong last time about a squad full of famous villains. And KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. (But seriously, how many ways into/out of the Phantom Zone are there in Rebirth? Is that the fourth so far? Still, as Rick Flag says in this issue it's probably "outside our purview".

Superwoman #2

Hands down the worst book in Rebirth. I can't even begin to explain it. About 10 different plots and a cast of about 30 characters. In 22 pages.

Flash #6

Godspeed turns out to be Barry's mate. He's a shitty judge of character.

Wonder Woman #6

Do we need WW Year Zero in 2016? It's entertaining but I'm not sure we do.

Applause for space junk joke, btw

Aquaman #7

Waitaminnit, so Arthur & Mera AREN'T married after all? Pretty sure that's not what the Rebirth issue said... and to make matters worse the second last page references a plot from the Johnsiverse (and explicitly says in a boxout that's where it happened) which, as established in Rebirth itself, Aquaman Rebirth and Aquaman #1 NEVER HAPPENED. FFS DC.

Batman #7

Hugo Strange does naked weightlifting. Didn't think I'd ever see that. Still, not as weird as Batman burning a giant toddler to death. (Actually this is pretty great, like BPRD Batman.)

Cyborg #1

Nobody ever says a single word when they can say 300 and do a lengthy monologue which explains plot/backstory/whatever. This is a DRAG (maaan) (plus is downtown Detroit really full of jazz clubs?).

Green Arrow #7

All the previous issues took place 12 months ago? WT ACTUAL FUCKING F?

Green Lanterns #7

Agoraphobic Lantern hangs out with Guantanamo Lantern's family for the first time. So how come the kid knows her well enough to call her "Aunt Jessica"? Still, after saving the world last time, this issue they just make some cookies. That's a bold change of pace.

Harley Quinn #4

After she fails to sell Nathan's hot dogs by vomiting them up, Russians make Harley spank an Indian child. It sounds silly when you put it like that.

Justice League #5

Aquaman plants some magic beans, Superman melts his balls in the centre if the Earth and Flash learns to jog. This is enough to make the bad guys disappear. To celebrate, Flash gropes Agoraphobic Lantern, as you would.

Nightwing #5

Part 2 of the Monster Men not as good as part 1. Still readable though but I would guess not outside of that storyline as it doesn't stand alone at all.

Superman #7

Supes does not know how secret identities work. "Clark & Lois Smith" is not a secret. Apart from that, this issue is an absolute joy. Could be the best single issue in Rebirth and the best issue of any Superman book in over a decade. No kidding.

Trinity Rebirth

Something and nothing. A catchup for the Big Three for people that haven't been reading their Rebirth books. Yes, that pointless.

Action #964

80s Superman finds out that Not Superman Superman is Not Superman by subjecting him to a Kryptonian truth machine in his 3rd or 4th reserve Fortress of Solitude. In return Not Superman tells the world 80s Superman is not Johnsiverse Superman and therefore is Not Superman. There's something about Doomsday and a burning meteor in an apartment, like anybody cares.

Batgirl #3

The Burnside Batgirl gets her ass handed to her multiple times and flirts with a guy wearing just a towel. Then she decides to go to South Korea so that she can be somewhere else when the bad guy wants to attack towel guy. This is still enjoyable but really isn't as good as it thinks it is.

Batman Beyond Rebirth

Has this rebooted? Is any of the backstory different? Does anybody care? 100% the most pointless Rebirth book. Given that Gotham Academy has just started a new series outside of the Rebirth Universe, couldn't have this stayed outside it too? Actually not a bad book but WHY?

Blue Beetle #1

So this is a prequel to the Rebirth issue? How does that work? Anyway the Ted Kord Beetle gets to be Nite Owl while the Reyes Beetle gets all confused about what the Blue Beetle actually is and has a dream where Doctor Fate's face melts (and not the Johnsiverse Fate - who, incidentally is still doing fine in the Johnsiverse and shows no signs of Rebirth - but looks like Kent Nelson instead). There's obviously some plot about an other-worldly entity taking over kids but the most interesting thing is that this is the JLI Ted Kord which presumably means he wasn't killed by Max Lord in the Rebirthiverse. Which makes it sound like they're just cherry-picking bits of continuity that they think people want rather than being coherent. No surprise there then.

Deathstroke #3

Can't make head nor tail of this and don't care enough to try.

Detective #941

The smell of cut grass is actually a super secret message from one bit of grass to another saying WATCH OUT THE MOWER IS COMING!!!? I DID NOT KNOW THAT (and I'm not sure I believe it). Anyway, this doesn't advance the BPRD plot much apart from turning Nightwang into an Owlbear. But I guess it does do that in quite a well written way.

Hal Jordan #5

This month's Lantern Lore You Didn't Know: Sinestro has such a hard-on for Hal he has a massive Green Lantern tattoo on his back. In terms of plot, it's possible Hal doesn't exist any more except in his own imagination but that happened in a very very talky part of the book and I might have nodded off at that point.

Suicide Squad #3

I can't remember, did the Darkseid War happen in the Rebirthiverse or not? Because my feeling was that it didn't, given that it ended with Lex Luthor ruling Apokalips, yet here we are explicitly referencing it. Although in a completely throwaway sense because this is all about fighting General Zod in a Russian prison and obviously the Squad are able to defeat him because reasons. And then the Russian Suicide Squad turn up including a guy whose head is literally a hammer, a Jawa, Arseface Deathstroke and Johann from BPRD. Of course.

Teen Titans Rebirth

Just so we're clear, this is the iteration of the Titans with Damian Wayne and Black Wally rather than the Titans Titans with Dick Not Grayson and Ginger Wally. This is how they came to be together (ans: Damian drugs and kidnaps them).

Flash #7

The secret origin of godspeedster you black emperor. As interesting as that sounds. But he might be a good guy now, even if he kills people.

Hellblazer #2

Ever so slightly undermined by DC publishing Six-pack & Dog Welder in the same week. A good book nonetheless, closer in tone to Vertigo than the Johnsiverse.

Titans #3

Just so we're clear, this is the Titans Titans with Dick Not Grayson and Ginger Wally rather than the Titans with Damian Wayne and Black Wally.

Now that's done ACTUAL REBIRTH PLOT TUOMAS ALERT KLAXON

It's confirmed again that Kadabra took the Titans out of time and was responsible for the lost time that caused the Rebirthiverse HOWEVER somebody else ALSO did a time thing in exactly the same instance that changed time as well in a different way ON TOP OF all the changes caused by Kadabra. This is trailed with Watchmen references so it's probably Doctor Manhattan AS WELL after all. What a mess.

Wonder Woman #7

WW beats Boko Haram by holding hands with the kidnapped girls round a Bad Swamp Thing which makes him disintegrate and turn into a flower. No matter how well written and drawn it is, being able to summarise it like that can't be a good thing.

Aquaman #8

BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT! THE RETURN OF A ONE-OFF SILVER AGE VILLAIN! That's right, Black Manta's plan revolves around The Shaggy Man, a Gardner Fox JLA baddie revived once in the early 80s and an un-named guy standing in the background of Secret Society of Super-Villains pictures in the Johnsiverse. As he walks through Atlantis, Mera refuses to read some books. I long for the days of the woman that said "Crikey!" all the time.

Batman #8

Batman uses Clayface as a whole body condom so he can punch the Hellboy monsters. It turns out they can be beaten by SCIENCE instead. Still, best book this week.

Cyborg #2

The bad guy is Flash baddie the Kilg%re, who explains his origin for people that don't remember the Baron/Guice Flash era. Although obviously that era is now not in continuity because Cyborg says he's never fought him before and in the first appearance the Kilg%re is beaten by the Flash specifically with the help of Cyborg. Another one bites the dust. Anyway, his aim in this issue is to debate at length with Cyborg what it is to be human and whether there's anything left of Vic. He saves his dad, who isn't his dad. He can't save this book.

Green Arrow #8

The abrupt jump cut from running away from a bear to 5* sexy holiday funtimes with Dinah is so ridiculous I keep thinking it's going to be undone by the end of the issue but no, just more kissing and flirting and shagging. So basically the plot of this entire arc (of which this was only part 1) lasted 2 pages.

Green Lanterns #8

This is like the Star Wars Holiday Special, only set at Halloween and not as good.

Harley Quinn #5

Harley does a big, difficult shit (no, really) then forms a punk band (no, really). Then she shows Glen Danzig her vagina (no, really).

Justice League #6

Everyone fails to eat their dinner. (There's also a bad guy they beat on page 4 by holding hands but I cba.)

Nightwing #6

The Hellboy Monsters merge to form a giant Hellboy Monster but apparently this has nothing to do with the plot because the whole point of this crossover has been for Batman and Hugo Strange to punch each other in the next issue of Detective. Which, frankly, could have happened in the first couple of pages.

Superman #8

A Darwyn Cooke tribute issue. Lovely, heartwarming stuff but... now the New Frontier is in continuity. Pretty sure that was never part of the plan.

The summaries of green lanterns and harley quinn alone are mindboggling

Batman sounds hilarious

Didn't the shaggy man turn up a few times in Morrison's JLA?

Yeah, with General Eiling's brain transplanted into his body, and shaved down so he wasn't shaggy.

I overstated Green Lanterns for comedy reasons, probably. Dominators and the Guardian that's in it can travel freely about because costumes, foiled by a bunch of plucky kids. Candy ensues.

I wasn't kidding about Harley Quinn though.

Action Comics #965

It turns out dead Johnsiverse Lois wrote to 80s Lois before she died, despite not knowing she was going to die, asking her to take over her job when she died which she clearly knew was going to be soon despite not knowing she was going to die because she wrote down her Planet login. She turns up but nobody knows she is fake because she's wearing a wig identical to her hair, but then can't write because Superman Not Superman manages to erase her hard drive by spilling coffee on her screen. Japes!

All-Star Batman #3

In this issue of Kick-ass we find out that the way to get to the Bat Cave is to LITERALLY follow the signs marked Bat Cave. Still good, but the JRJr makes it very Millar-y.

Batgirl & BoP #3

The glacial pace of Snake-Man Mob Drama or whatever the fuck this is continues. Now on the third change of plot/pace, the headline is that this is the origin of Oracle Not Oracle Maybe Bad Oracle. Actual ONOMBA content = NIL.

Deathstroke #4

Slade cosplays as Normal Walter White to go undercover then shows his daughter his naked backside. His daughter discusses golf terms with Slade's mate Vapo-rub before Slade and Batman juggle with cars. And yet boring as hell.

Detective Comics #942

The finale of Night of the Mignola Men concludes in quite ridiculous circumstances as the Mignola Man vomits up all the bad stuff because of the Nightwang shoved down his throat. Clayface chokes Hugo Strange for thrills then the Justice League clean up the mess.

Hal & the GLC #6

Oh just don't.

New Super-Man #4

Where the bad guys might be the good guys and the good guys are the confused guys. This is supposed to be wacky and fun but has turned into a horrible confused mess. There is a Chinese Starro on the horizon, maybe that'll be something.

Red Hood #3

Both the cover and the alternate cover promise a screwball comedy. Instead; GRITTY. Next!

Suicide Squad #4

Things you did not know: you can now travel by fibre optic via THE INTERNET. Anyway, Zod is beaten easily and the Russians are only there for a racist joke. A waste of paper.

Supergirl #2

Cyborg Superman falls apart and then puts himself back together, but in the meantime there's a scene in a lecture theatre WITH A LECTURE. High stakes stuff.

Superwoman #3

Something something Mother Box something something armour something something newspaper or something something

Flash #8

The speed force gives Black Wally Ginger Wally's Kid Flash costume. The one he wears in whichever Titans it is that has Ginger Wally in it and not the Titans that has Black Wally in it. That can't possibly cause any confusion.

Wonder Woman #8

Because what we need right now is an incomplete origin of the Cheetah. Of course.

aldo, would you recommend ANY of these as having gotten better since launch? Batman has been okay but that's about it for me.

Superman is arguably the only one worth reading. Harley Quinn, if you liked it before. After that, even the better stuff has been inconsistent and not all that great really.

superman, really? the first few issues were utterly opaque to me; it opens up?

Yes and no - it develops a whole load of charm around the relationship of farm life, and between Supes and Jonathon, and the last two issues have been genuinely good but... it's still only the best of a bad bunch.

King's new Batman seemed to improve exponentially just by not having David Finch draw it

I mentioned elsewhere but, since they're technically set in whatever the DCU is these days, the Young Animal books are pretty good thus far. Very reminiscent of the golden age of Vertigo.

Idiotic question but I've always wondered: was BWAHAHA a way people wrote down laughter before JLI?