Remake/Remodel: DC Rebirth so you don't have to

Yeah, with General Eiling's brain transplanted into his body, and shaved down so he wasn't shaggy.

I overstated Green Lanterns for comedy reasons, probably. Dominators and the Guardian that's in it can travel freely about because costumes, foiled by a bunch of plucky kids. Candy ensues.

I wasn't kidding about Harley Quinn though.

Action Comics #965

It turns out dead Johnsiverse Lois wrote to 80s Lois before she died, despite not knowing she was going to die, asking her to take over her job when she died which she clearly knew was going to be soon despite not knowing she was going to die because she wrote down her Planet login. She turns up but nobody knows she is fake because she's wearing a wig identical to her hair, but then can't write because Superman Not Superman manages to erase her hard drive by spilling coffee on her screen. Japes!

All-Star Batman #3

In this issue of Kick-ass we find out that the way to get to the Bat Cave is to LITERALLY follow the signs marked Bat Cave. Still good, but the JRJr makes it very Millar-y.

Batgirl & BoP #3

The glacial pace of Snake-Man Mob Drama or whatever the fuck this is continues. Now on the third change of plot/pace, the headline is that this is the origin of Oracle Not Oracle Maybe Bad Oracle. Actual ONOMBA content = NIL.

Deathstroke #4

Slade cosplays as Normal Walter White to go undercover then shows his daughter his naked backside. His daughter discusses golf terms with Slade's mate Vapo-rub before Slade and Batman juggle with cars. And yet boring as hell.

Detective Comics #942

The finale of Night of the Mignola Men concludes in quite ridiculous circumstances as the Mignola Man vomits up all the bad stuff because of the Nightwang shoved down his throat. Clayface chokes Hugo Strange for thrills then the Justice League clean up the mess.

Hal & the GLC #6

Oh just don't.

New Super-Man #4

Where the bad guys might be the good guys and the good guys are the confused guys. This is supposed to be wacky and fun but has turned into a horrible confused mess. There is a Chinese Starro on the horizon, maybe that'll be something.

Red Hood #3

Both the cover and the alternate cover promise a screwball comedy. Instead; GRITTY. Next!

Suicide Squad #4

Things you did not know: you can now travel by fibre optic via THE INTERNET. Anyway, Zod is beaten easily and the Russians are only there for a racist joke. A waste of paper.

Supergirl #2

Cyborg Superman falls apart and then puts himself back together, but in the meantime there's a scene in a lecture theatre WITH A LECTURE. High stakes stuff.

Superwoman #3

Something something Mother Box something something armour something something newspaper or something something

Flash #8

The speed force gives Black Wally Ginger Wally's Kid Flash costume. The one he wears in whichever Titans it is that has Ginger Wally in it and not the Titans that has Black Wally in it. That can't possibly cause any confusion.

Wonder Woman #8

Because what we need right now is an incomplete origin of the Cheetah. Of course.

aldo, would you recommend ANY of these as having gotten better since launch? Batman has been okay but that's about it for me.

Superman is arguably the only one worth reading. Harley Quinn, if you liked it before. After that, even the better stuff has been inconsistent and not all that great really.

superman, really? the first few issues were utterly opaque to me; it opens up?

Yes and no - it develops a whole load of charm around the relationship of farm life, and between Supes and Jonathon, and the last two issues have been genuinely good but... it's still only the best of a bad bunch.

King's new Batman seemed to improve exponentially just by not having David Finch draw it

I mentioned elsewhere but, since they're technically set in whatever the DCU is these days, the Young Animal books are pretty good thus far. Very reminiscent of the golden age of Vertigo.

Idiotic question but I've always wondered: was BWAHAHA a way people wrote down laughter before JLI?

that's a giffen thing i always thought

I see a lot of it on my Facebook feed, from not-comics-type-people.

I'm not quite sold on Doom Patrol yet, but LOVED the first issue of Shade. Hope these books get to stay around

Aquaman #9

Shaggy keeps going till he makes land, so Arthur teleports him into space. He helpfully leaves his business card with Shaggy so he can tell who did it (assuming he can breathe in space). This book is best summed up by a line of dialogue from it - "It's Aquaman! ... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I think we all know which of those options is right.

Batman #9

Batman is putting together an All-Star Suicide Squad for Amanda Waller. Tom King is on top form here and the final couple of pages are just great. A REBIRTH COMIC WORTH READING.

Cyborg #3

Cyborg's power levels get upped again in this issue. I already though he was way too powerful, but now he has full transformation powers on top, and can adjust his weight and density. Or can he? Having introduced that he is dreaming at the beginning it's then unclear what are other dreams and what aren't. But nobody could or should care, because this is really dreadful.

Green Arrow #9

Ollie spends most of the issue trying to find a quick 5 minutes to shag Dinah while the plot goes on around him. Which is pretty wafer thin. Still, a robot bear shows up at one point.

Green Lanterns #9

Blah blah blah. A guy who wants to be a GL and is undoubtedly going to be the Phantom Lantern (yes, that really is a thing) soon. And Volthoom, because what's a splash page without a guy whose name has its own font?

Harley Quinn #6

Harley's punk phase goes all GG Allin (and it's clearly deliberate because she even gets called GG Harlin) to the extent of the stage show featuring actual shit being thrown about. Top marks for authenticity.

Justice League #7

An issue of exploring FEELINGS. I've read it twice and still don't know what happens to the bad guy.

Nightwing #7

A Snakeman kills the Australian Court of Owls. Raptor makes up a theme tune for him and Nightwang to celebrate then kicks back with a beer. It turns out he might be Poppa Wang in the end, upset at Batman for giving Dick a chance in life rather than leaving him penniless and destitute. But I guess we won't find out for sure for a while yet.

Superman #9

Superman and Boy escape from Loser Island after some scrapes with dinosaurs and a giant ape. Plot seeds are funny robotic eyes, but a wooden false leg is the star of the show.

Trinity #2

No idea. Supes/Bats/WW go back in time (maybe) to resuscitate Pa Kent when he has a heart attack. Or is it just a hallucination caused by Poison Ivy? Does anybody care?

Your descriptions have made the Harley Quinn comic sound completely insane, is this accurate y/n

you mean batman #10, yes? The bane/catwoman book? That was surprisingly good.

Harley Quinn is not as insane as It thinks it is, but I'm reporting accurately, It's a fun book, but pretty forgettable. My favourite bit is still that Red Tool has speech bubbles in the shape of tools. Did I mention there's a giant walking talking egg that plays drums?

Haven't read Bats #10 yet, a couple of weeks behind. The Cats reveal was great though, the Joker takeout was really well played.

'Night of the Monster Men' is probably the worst Batman story arc since 'Hush Returns'. They should have just had Batman pull out a can of Batman Monster Repellent and be done with it.

Action Comics #966

Superman makes spaghetti and meatballs while Lois is at work. Lana gets outed and Dead Lois explains that she's dead. Alive Lois hugs lots of people.

Action Comics #967

Supes and Jon discuss superhero fashions to distract themselves from mosquitoes and find the building that went missing a few issues ago in the jungle. Lex reveals his new Super-Suit which is Powered By Apokalips because what happened in the Johnsiverse Justice League might have also happened after all in the Rebirthiverse and some God Killers have arrived to take Lex back there. By killing him, obviously.

All Star Batman #4

Kick Ass Batman escapes in a biplane but gets captured again. This has gone on for a bit.

Aquaman #10

Mera reads a book at discusses what it means with her book group. The Woman That Says Crikey! turns up for the first time in an age, because she's been told what the next plot is. She says Crikey. The plot from the previous issue is not mentioned until the last page.

Batgirl #4

After a lecture about how Korea is inferior to America, Burnside Babs flies to China chasing a boy. It turns out he has been cured of a chemical he was carrying in his stomach because Chinese medicine cures everything. Still less impressive than Burnside Babs being able to look at whatever she likes on the Chinese Interwebs.

Batgirl BoP #4

The Secret History of the Johnsiverse Huntress. Batgirl Babs is good at computers, but might be schizophrenic. They all ride motorbikes.

Batman #10

Who knew that broken backs heal in an hour? (Joking aside, the Batsquad continues apace, looks like Bane is the target. Another good issue.)

Batman Beyond #1

I have rarely been less interested in a comic.

Blue Beetle #2

Blue Beetle has a bug 'posse' now. Doesn't make it readable though.

Cyborg #4

Cyborg battles his own memories and a giant worm. Because worm is a type of computer virus. Obviously. That pun is the best thing about it.

Deathstroke #5&6

Still shit. If you want to understand how shit, this is the plot: in order to spend time with his daughter, Slade hires an assassin to kill her which means he has to hang out with her as her bodyguard and protect her. Once she found out about that Slade kidnapped Robin so she would team up with Batman and come and find him. Then he fights some lions for unclear reasons. Still the worst Johnsiverse book by some margin.

Detective Comics #943 ΰ

The Batgang think again about the Attack of the Mignola Men while Bats beats up Batwoman's dad. Everybody else mopes about banging on about how shit their lives are then go to a big party to celebrate. The new bad guys crash the party and Batjinks ensue.

Green Arrow #10

On the train under the sea Dinah puts on a dress and Ollie stops people from drinking champagne while giving a THE FINGER speech. A waste of paper.

Green Lanterns #10

The Phantom Ring is the same as the Orange Ring. Nobody mentions this but I can't be the only one that notices. Claustrophobic Lantern is Trapped In The Closet.

Hal & The GLC #7&8

Hal and Sinestro wave their cocks at each other until Hal blows up Sinestro's planet. This convinces the Green and Yellow Lanterns that THEY'RE THE SAME MAAAN. Hal is dead. (Again. But won't be. Again.)

Harley Quinn #7

Harley goes to a cosplay sex club as herself. A horse pisses on Glenn Danzig. The talking egg gets drunk. I wish I was making this up.

Justice League #8

Cyborg can't tell the back from the front which lets him get hacked. Obviously this makes all the guns in the Batcave attack Batman. To compensate, Cyborg jumps into space (which fixes hacking) then crashes the Watchtower into San Francisco. Then, I don't know, everyone's brain gets hacked and they fight each other.

Midnighter & Apollo #2

Oh fuck, it's Daemonite shit again. NOBODY CARES DC.

New Super-Man #5

This wants to be the Giffen/de Matteis JL SOOOOOOO MUCH. It isn't. Still, maybe "jackwads" can gain traction as an insult?

Nightwing #8

Dick turns Dadwing over to Spyral even though they don't exist. And then hugs Bruce because HE'S REALLY MY DAD YOU'RE NOT I HATE YOU I'M GOING TO MY ROOM.

Red Hood #4

Still gritty. Still not fun.

Suicide Squad #5

Waller thinks she can control Zod. Rick Flag thinks she can't so kills her. Bet that's undone before the next issue.

Supergirl #3

Cyborg Superman builds a fake Argo City to win Kara over. She's not won over and punches him through the moon. She can punch me through the moon any time. <swoon>

Superman #10

Damian Wayne wants to punish Jon for setting fire to the cat, but their dads argue instead. While that's going on they bond over Bat-Cow. Then start punching each other into cow muck. This upsets their dads. A lot.

Superwoman #4

This is the same story as Action #966. Which is a way to make money I suppose.

Teen Titans #1

The one with Damian Not Dick and Black Wally Not Ginger Wally. It turns out Damian put the team together because he had a really disappointing birthday party. But nothing actually happens in the book.

Flash #9 & 10

In #9 Wally and Wally save Barry, who might also be Daniel (who he?). None of them think it strange, or try and explain. On the plus side we see the Rebirthiverse Chunk. On the minus side I had to read it. In #10 The Shade turns up and it's set months (years?) after what's happening in Teen Titans. Not sure how that works wrt continuity.

Hellblazer #3

OH LOOK A BREXIT PARODY

Titans #4

The one with Dick Not Damian and Ginger Wally Not Black Wally. Kadabra tries to kill Linda Park in a bizarre moustache twiddling silent film villain way. It's entertaining at least.

Wonder Woman #9

Steve Trevor gives his boss a flower while Diana goes clothes shopping. They go on a playdate and she tells him about shagging Superman. This doesn't put him off so they make out then she takes him to meet her mother.

Wonder Woman #10

The Year Zero stuff continues. This week, shopping and margaritas!

Not going to lie, working through these was really difficult. I might be done here.

Is Bat-Cow canon now

aldo, can you compare and contrast "dc rebirth" with earth-prime 2016 and let us know which is more awful?

Yes, Bat-Cow is canon now. Whatever that means these days.

rushomancy, I'd rather read 1000 more election result trauma pieces than another DC book just now. And I just downloaded this week's pack.

Having slept on it, doing this write-up has killed me. I realised that the thought of reading 20 or so books when I came back from holiday had filled me with dread and I was putting off reading them because I knew they were such UTTER shit for by far the most part. Out of that whole three weeks of comics the only ones I enjoyed were ASB, Batman, Harley Quinn, Supergirl, Superman, maybe Teen Titans, actually Titans and maybe Wonder Woman (odd numbers). That's a really poor hit rate.

So I'm bowing out. I'll still probably skim the titles and I'll post any ACTUAL REBIRTH PLOT here but there wasn't any since the last issue of Titans and none in this so I think it might just all be forgotten about. I'd like to say it's been fun, but we all know that's a lie. It's been... an experience.

We salute you for your service! Go enjoy the sun freezing winds on your face.

God bless you for your service, aldo. My question continues to be who (besides masochists) has been buying this shit for the past five years?

rushomancy, I'd rather read 1000 more election result trauma pieces than another DC book just now. And I just downloaded this week's pack.

― Horizontal Superman is invulnerable (aldo)

thanks. sometimes i need a reminder that this is not, actually, the worst of all possible worlds. :)

best holidays to you, aldo, in your recovery from your long nightmare

what they said. enjoy your freedom!

So glad that some sense has fallen on you, aldo.-

Makes me want to read Superman and Rebirth in general:
http://www.polygon.com/2017/1/10/14119712/dc-comics-rebirth-superman

i got into the sixth paragraph explaining why there are two supermen in the dc universe and gave up. i'm a giant fucking nerd and even i couldn't be bothered trying to parse what was going on. i did enjoy the writer's acknowledgement that new readers would be confused but that they should just sit back and enjoy it anyway, which seems insanely optimistic

and lol at the idea of the remade dc universe being a happier, sunnier place when the article prominently features an image of superman and superboy literally punching the jaw clean off a villain's skull

Superman is the brightest light in the small cluster of Rebirth books that are actually any good (but it should be noted that OF COURSE BECAUSE DC INCOMPETENCE) Trinity contradicts bits of Superman in that WW and Bats treat 80s Superman as if they've known him forever, or Aquaman where Superman is actively an executive branch of the US government (that's the Aquaman who is an enemy of the state, not the one in Justice League who is friends with everyone). Without going near GL getting to ignore any elements of reboot it likes because it's Geoff Johns' favourite player.

Anybody who thinks Rebirth is actually a good idea or solves anything is a lunatic, it's another sticking plaster on top of DC You's sticking plaster on top of Convergence's sticking plaster on top of New 52's sticking plaster on top of Final Crisis' sticking plaster on top of on top of on top of all the way down to CoIE's original wound.

i still can't believe dc didn't stick with the concept of hypertime

The worst part is that none of it needed fixing in the first place. Nobody cared that Golden Age Superman had different power levels to Silver Age. Nobody cared that nobody cared who shot Batman's parents. "Omits just a Multiverse" was a good enough handwave and meant that when things like Flash of Two Worlds happened it was thrilling and a specific exception because of a weird set of circumstances (see also Multi-Doctor Doctor Who stories).

I know it sounds like I go on about continuity in DC books, but that's only because post-CoIE they insist THERE IS ONE. If they set that as a rule then they need to comply with it (see also Modern Doctor Who).

And of course also there's BIGGER THAN THE LAST ONE Event Publishing which escalates everything to impossible levels and resets the bar for hyperbole at ridiculous intervals (see also Modern Doctor Who and Sherlock).

Continuity aside, I think there's been a mild-to-moderate uptick in quality across the DC line, although Eddie Berganza still works there, so my general feeling is still screw 'em. Some of the Young Animal titles pretty good too, even if it has "cancelled by September" stamped over it.

Like, the Suicide/JLA crossover that's happening right now is by no means good, but it's certainly about 6000% less bad than it would have been this time three years ago. Baby steps! It's still fanwank, mind.

DC COMICS: NOT GOOD BUT BETTER

Makes me want to read Superman and Rebirth in general:

I read the first 90 or so paragraphs before noping out, and she was still going on about characters getting respect as if they're people, and not talking about authors or art or ethics or politics and it didn't make me want to read either rebirth or anything else she or that website ever publish

Yeah, the little that I read was not convincing. And believe me, I'd love to be convinced that DC got its shit back together. I'm a hardcore Marvel stan but I was reading maybe like an average of a dozen DCU titles for a number of years until Flashpoint, when I abruptly stopped and have not returned.

Thumbs up to Young Animal, though. It's like the early years of Vertigo all over again.

I don't have any sense that things will continue to get better, just that they've reached a comfortable plateau of just-about-averageness for the first time since 2009-ish.

All that said we've arrived at the age where the best book DC are publishing is probably The Flintstones.

Speaking of which, there's a full-on DCU/Hanna-Barbera crossover in a couple of months seemingly in continuity.

Why the hell not, we already have a presumably in-continuity comic of John Constantine battling Dark Orko.

Flintstones _IS_ really good btw

psyched for george jetson vs batman tbh

The cognitive dissonance of mostly decent creators working on comics adapting Hanna Barbera properties (which I always considered the nadir of childhood entertainment) for DC (which has largely been a dud of a company for a while) which are somehow good against all odds is doing my head in.

pictures of minor riots and skirmishes and police with pepper spray in washington being shown on the bbc right now

Crisis on Earth-2

i leave it to your imagination as to whether i posted in the wrong thread

WHITHER HAWKMAN WHEN WASHINGTON NEEDS HIM