Batten Down the Mizzenmast: October 12, 2005

TONY MILLIONAIRE LITTLE & LARGE HC $7.95 --because all of his children's books are awesome
INFINITE CRISIS #1 (OF 7) $3.99 --admit it! ADMIT IT!
VILLAINS UNITED #6 (OF 6) $2.50--Mockingbird is BLACK LIGHTNING!!
ESSENTIAL SPIDER-MAN VOL 7 TP $16.99 --just HAPPENS to be coming out this week
HOUSE OF M #7 (OF 8) $2.99--just HAPPENS to have been pushed back to this week
FINDER #38 (MR) $2.95--final pamphlet-style issue, sniff (and the first part of the new story that will be serialized online)

this week - fuck metamorpho, gimme that WereWolf by Night Essentials - more great Ploog art!

I wonder if I'll cave and buy Infinite Crisis out of morbid curiosity.

That said, an essential New Mutants would be welcome. But then so would an essential Man-Thing.

Batman LotDK (last issue of the truly excellent "Snow" story, I think?)
Ex Machina
Fables
Y the Last Mang

And probably the Doom Patrol trade.

Y The Last Man & House of M for me. Jeeze, and i'm not even THAT INTO either of those titles!

I feel like we've been waiting forever for the next astonishing x-men?

'essential' werewolf by night = my teenage shit, god help me

as i understand it, the 'demographic' for Essentials is totally fat blokes in their late 30s/early 40s so gd luck w/ yr 80s mutant rub (ok i quite like bob mcleod as an inker of eg val mayerik, but as a penciller he is hohum at best - i guess the sienkiewicz issues are ok to look at, but im certain 80s claremont scripting doesn't 'stand the test of time')

whereas eg Essential Ghost Rider volume one = satanism for kids!

They would look total shit in B&W though, they were straining the Marvel coloring process as it is which is another reason I wouldn't hold your breath for an Essential NMs.

(PS Essential New Universe Vols 1-10 pls.)

Page 1: COMIX
Page 2 & 3: TWO-PAGE AD FOR HONDA (!?!?!)
Page 4: COMIX
Page 5: AD
Page 6: COMIX
Page 7: AD
Page 8: COMIX
Page 9: AD

WHAT THE!?!?!??

Uncanny X-Men #465 rounds off "Season of the Witch", the book's House of M crossover. But never mind that - can I sell you a car?

The number of adverts in Marvel's comics has been creeping noticeably upwards for some time now, but they've now achieved absurdly detrimental proportions. Uncanny X-Men #465 contains 24 pages of story. And between page 1 and page 24, there are 22 pages of adverts. The comic boasts three double-page spreads of art, and a further three of adverts. One of those double-page adverts is placed, ludicrously, immediately after page 1 of the story. Basically, though, we have now reached a point where the story is interrupted every other page for adverts. And, being adverts, they are designed to distract.

This may have escaped Marvel's notice, but they are in the business of selling stories and entertaining readers. The current level of adverts displays an arrogant disregard for the quality of their product. The monthly pamphlet is a format with little to recommend it. It is slow. It is flimsy. It will unavoidably carry adverts. About the only thing it has going for it is that it comes out before the trade paperback; if it were the other way around, I wouldn't go near the things. But at the very least Marvel could try and make a token effort to make the damn things look like a quality product, not a portable advertising hoarding.

Now, things are literally becoming unreadable, with any attempt at atmosphere destroyed, and pacing shot to fuck. To be fair, it's not uniform across the line - it's the $2.50 books that have the stupid proportions of adverts. The $2.99 books have only ten pages of advertising interrupting the story, which is tolerable. No doubt Marvel will claim that they need the extra adverts to keep the price down.

But DC's $2.50 books have only thirteen pages of advertising - and four of them are on the centre spread, meaning that you can just tear it out and never be bothered by them again. And there's no excuse for Fantastic Four & Iron Man: Big in Japan #1, which fits 24 pages of adverts into 22 pages of story and comes priced at an indefensible $3.50. What am I getting for my extra dollar, you assholes? Ooh, two fewer pages of story, two more pages of adverts, and a shiny cover. And a general sense of contempt for the paying audience.

Seriously, Marvel. Don't you have any pride? Don't you have any self-respect? Don't you care about putting out a quality product? Don't you even care about your reputation for quality? And if you do, why are there 22 pages of adverts cluttering up the 24 page story that I have paid my hard-earned money to read?

On a lighter note, I have to applaud whoever it was in the advertising department that managed to get somebody to take out a double page advert for, of all things, the Honda Civic. Looking remarkably out of place amongst the adverts for computer games and DVDs, the Honda Civic gazes coyly at us from the opening spread, the product of what I can only assume to be a catastrophic demographic miscalculation at the advertising agency. I have visions of a horrified advertising executive racing down the stairs to the mailroom at 5.15pm yelling "Stop the mail! Stop the mail! I've ticked the wrong box! I've ticked the wrong box!"

Is b&w the best way to reprint sienkiewickz?

I will now wile the afternoon away by posting to this thread re: stuff I rec'd in my latest oversized shipment of drugs.

JLA #120: Spandex argument porn. Everyone stands around grousing or complaining. Green Arrow & Bats try to out-indignant each other. And some Joe Kelly leftover has a vision quest featuring THE MARTIAN MANHUNTER. Artwork = if off-day Adam Hughes was biting Neal Adams. Written by the guy that brought us the LEATHER JACKET AVENGERS, & reads like it.

VILLAINS UNITED #6: Dads fight daughters / sons. Villains fight villains. Luthor 1 tortures the grey-haired guy from CRISIS! Catman & Deadshot team up to do stuff. Fifteen people are shot in the chest; none die. Meanwhile, the Parademon gets blown apart by explosive Mother Boxes - possibly the 2nd-most tragic death that will occur in the CRISIS (far behind poor Blue Beetle). OR IS IT?

RANN / THANGARIAN WAR #6: OH NO doublecross by those nasty Rannians against the Birdfolk AGAIN! Spaceships die! Nth Metal gets mentioned about 382 times (as is the wont of any recent Hawkman-involved book).

INFINITE CRISIS #1: You know - for kids. Am kinda fearing the GOTHAM CENTRAL CRISIS.

ACTION COMICS #832: AVOID! Abnett / Lanning e-mail in some godawful Halloween-themed story involving the Spectre and a English-as-second-language Lois having visions of her dad being a Batman-sized dong. (Also: only 3 Simone-written issues left! BOO HISS!)

WONDER WOMAN #221: Um, I saw some OMACbots. And some other stuff. And about 39 fill-in pencilers. Epiphany: the awesomeness of any chapter in Rucka's WW run is directly related to the amount of minotaur in said chapter. No minotaur in here = take a zzzzzzzz.

HOUSE OF M #7: OK.

INCREDIBLE HULK #87: Fresh from the latest WHITE FLASH, the Hulk frolics w/ the new Scorpion while boffing the new Scorpion's mom (who happens to be EVIL) and mucking around w/ some Aborigine folk. Yep.

MARVEL TEAM-UP #13: I want to say that Kirkman is purposely taking the piss out of Big Event Stories by doing this Big Event Story that isn't so Big or Eventful. Then again, the previous issue featured a villain origin flashback that lasted nearly the whole issue (& was maybe worth about half-a-page). Anyway: heroes beat the crap out of this renegade Skrull cat, then go chat w/ the Tony Stark from the future about stuff. Zonk.

THOR: BLOOD OATH #2: Fun stuff! Thor & the Warriors Three continue their quest for troll goodies, have Volstagg "outsmart" a Sphinx-like bird, and then find themselves face to face with ... HERCULES! Might not be worth it in singles (depending on your proclivities), but definitely worth a looksee. Here's hoping it's Oeming & not Millar attached to a new Thor book.

GRAVITY #5: Satisfying conclusion to McKeever's 5-part teenage superheroic hootennanny, featuring the most obvious guest appearance (given the thrust of the series).

WOLVERINE #34: Part 2 of 3 of more House-of-M shenanigans which, in the now-post-House world, don't seem to mean much. Also: nice that the book is primarily Mystique getting bitched out. The bait, it is cut.

MUTOPIA X #4: The series formerly known as District X - set in Earth-M - takes a sharp left turn (WHITE FLASH!) and abandons the M-ness two pages before the end of the book. & with an issue to go! If you don't already care about this book, this ain't gonna change your mind.

NEW THUNDERBOLTS #13: VERSUS THE NEW AVENGERS! FWABOW! They FITE, while someone w/ an ant helmet (OH NO) colludes w/ Baron Von Strucker to DO SOMETHING NASTY!