Who Cares? It's a Script!

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Name a writer that doesn't currently write for the funny books. Name a book they should write. & make up a plot for them, too. I'd start, but I'm tired. I want to see at least 5 posts by tomorrow morning. GO

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:07 (nineteen years ago)

Chuck Palahniuk, Justice League Task Force: One Year Later

You are not your cape.
You are not how much you can outrace a tank.
You are not the contents of your utility belt.
You are not your fucking booties.
You are not a beautiful and unique Kryptonian.
You are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world.

With a power ring in your mouth you can only speak in vowels.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:18 (nineteen years ago)

Bill (Baseball Abstract) James on Queen and Country. Something involving data mining, maybe tangentially referencing baseball the way Dick Francis always had to involve the ponies somehow. NEXT!

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:22 (nineteen years ago)

Tep, I need to make an animated gif of somebody's toupee flying off, just so I can post it after every one of your postage-stamp masterpieces.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:26 (nineteen years ago)

Herman Melville, Wolverine - you know the first line, bub. (Shocker of shockers - all I know is the first line.)

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:31 (nineteen years ago)

& then James Frey on Wolverine: Origins.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:32 (nineteen years ago)

Bill James! That's awesome.

(Didn't one of the Bronte sisters already write Origins?)

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:34 (nineteen years ago)

My first thought was Norman Mailer on Q&C, but he could just trot out some Harlot's Ghost notes — too easy. (And where is that f#©king sequel anyway?)

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:37 (nineteen years ago)

Anne Rice, Tomb of Dracula

Increasingly powerful and delicate Blade defeats increasingly powerful ubervampires by feeding from them and impressing them.

Laurell K. Hamilton TWomb of Dracula

Increasingly powerful and delicate Blade defeats increasingly powerful ubervampires by feeding from them and impressing them. ++ FUCKING

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:43 (nineteen years ago)

Ruth Reichl and Steve Parkhouse, Bojeffries: Blood Oranges and Bone Bruises. Ginda learns to cook.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 04:55 (nineteen years ago)

A group of mutants walks into a government agency. It's a furry blue guy, a hot redhead, a tense guy in shades, and an ice man. Shades says to the government agent, "We have a really amazing team. You should let us work for the government."

The government agent says, "Sorry, we don't hire mutants. Too risky."

The redhead says, "Sir, if you just see what we can do, we know you'd want us on your side."

The agent says, "All right, show me what you've got."

"Okay," the furry blue guy says, "now first, I'm going to fuck Iceman in the ass like this. It's not bestiality, we're both mutants. Then, while I'm fucking him in the ass, Marvel Girl's going to blow him while Cyclops broods about it, and she's going to use their mind-link so that he's in on the whole thing, and so it's like he's blowing Iceman too, your basic forced homosexual cuckolding kind of deal. This is getting me pretty hot, so before too long I shoot my load, only Iceman has iced up now, because you know how your nipples get hard when you're turned on and when you're cold, where there you go, when he gets turned on he gets cold all over, and the supercold at the core of his ass actually travels along the gushing stream of my come like Vonnegut's ice-nine so that I have an hard dagger of ice impaling me by the urethra. Cyclops blasts my furry blue cock with his optic blasts to try to free me, and it goes wild because he's distracted by the telepathic illusion of a mouthful of freezing dick and the brood in his chest --"

"You mean the brooding?" the government agent asks.

"No no, the actual Brood, just as the optic blast ricochets off my frozen cock and hits Bobby's so that both our frozen cocks are clattering on the floor, an alien parasite jumps out of Cyclops' chest cavity and rips Jean in half from cunt to cockholster with its giant alien razordick."

"Wow," the agent says. "That's some team. What do you call yourselves?"

"X-Factor!"

(by Bob Saget)

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 05:07 (nineteen years ago)

Nick Tosches, Deadshot: Dante's Wrist Gun

I speak to you as an AOL Time Warner product.
I never envisioned I would live to say these words, which both repulse and strangely amuse me. Then again, I never imagined I would live this long, period.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 05:55 (nineteen years ago)

(and then he goes on to tell, in great detail, that the assassination industry sucks and that he's only doing it anymore because he feels like he's pulling one over on everybody, and nobody really suspects that for the last five years or so, everyone he's killed was already dead)

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 05:57 (nineteen years ago)

DAVER YOU SHOULD TOTALLY READ MOBY DICK, I JOINED THE NAVY CUZ OF THAT BOOK (I WISH I WAS JOKING)

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 9 February 2006 07:55 (nineteen years ago)

bret ellis' teen titans

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 9 February 2006 07:56 (nineteen years ago)

Stephen King writes Superman - in a powerful story where Clark Kent muses on the difficulty of writing his second novel. At the end the day is saved by a Deus Ex Machina.

― Vic F (Vic Fluro), Thursday, 9 February 2006 12:32 (nineteen years ago)

Haruki Murakami to revive Doom Patrol.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 15:49 (nineteen years ago)

I love this thread.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:13 (nineteen years ago)

China Mieville to write a crazy Cursed Earth adventure for Judge Dredd.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:15 (nineteen years ago)

The House of M at Pooh Corner.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:16 (nineteen years ago)

Scarlet Witchlet: NO MORE HONEY!
Poohsilver: Oh, bother.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

Kafka's Metamorpho.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

haha

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:29 (nineteen years ago)

casey at the batman

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:30 (nineteen years ago)

There was no joy in Gotham...

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

(was there ever any joy in Gotham? MAYBE JOKER'S GOT A POINT!)

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:35 (nineteen years ago)

anne of green lantern gables

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:36 (nineteen years ago)

green arrows and ham

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:36 (nineteen years ago)

wonder woman boys

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:36 (nineteen years ago)

the PUNisher.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:38 (nineteen years ago)

I think I started this thread because I think the Desperate Housewives team deserve their own X-title, and David Foster Wallace should be the brains behind Infinite Crisis.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:41 (nineteen years ago)

(sorry i turned this into a pun thread!)

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:46 (nineteen years ago)

(blast you)

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:47 (nineteen years ago)

I would totally do a DFW parody right now, but that'll take some time.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:48 (nineteen years ago)

& I phear teh suck.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:48 (nineteen years ago)

Carl Hiaasen totally needs to write Green Arrow, his Skink character is practically G.A. to the next logical "real world" step anyway. He could have Mayor Ollie chased out of Star City for some crummy zero scandal (maybe Prof. Ojo is involved?) and move to Florida to do battle with slimy land developers and team up sympathetic table dancers and virtuous animals.

xpost, so it would be dead on?

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:50 (nineteen years ago)

RUDE!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:51 (nineteen years ago)

God, I need another reason to kick DFW in the shins like I need pork chop shoes.

If only you had made this thread 24 hours earlier, I wouldn't have gotten any of the work done yesterday that I lost in a mysterious file-poofing that now has me running around wanting to kick people in the shins.

Nick Bantock should do a Marvel Romance book.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

Annie Proulx on All-Star Batman & Robin!

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 16:59 (nineteen years ago)

J.K. Rowling's Books of Magic: If You Like Harry Potter, You'll Love Harry Potter With Fairies In It

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:01 (nineteen years ago)

Aaron Spelling's West Coast Avenger

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:02 (nineteen years ago)

Wait, Infinite Crisis is clearly a Lemony Snicket joint.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:05 (nineteen years ago)

Audrey Niffenegger could do Adam Strange without too much revision.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:05 (nineteen years ago)

VC Andrews' Ultimate Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch writes itself!

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:06 (nineteen years ago)

Dan Brown's Marvel Civil War

― Te(mutants are all descended from Jesus, the Avengers are freemasons, and Opus D, Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:07 (nineteen years ago)

Hunter S Thompson's Ghost Rider would actually have been awesome.

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:12 (nineteen years ago)

Annie Proulx on All-Star Batman & Robin!

Hahaha!

― chap who would dare to tell uninteresting celeb spotting stories (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:14 (nineteen years ago)

Salman Rushdie's Sandman.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:16 (nineteen years ago)

William Gibson would have been a good primary on The OMAC Project, what with machines and sentience.

― scamperingalpaca (Chris Hill), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:38 (nineteen years ago)

Tom Stoppard on Gotham Central: The Missing Years!
A Rosencrantz & Guildenstern style existential romp as we see key events in Batman's history (Year One, etc) through the eyes of bit players!

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:45 (nineteen years ago)

Samuel Delany could spice up Wolferine with some outsider politics and rough, nail/claw-biting gay sex.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 9 February 2006 17:48 (nineteen years ago)

PG Wodehouse on "All-Star Alfred". Alfred saves the day as young Grayson's inexperience leads to chaos. Secondary plots revolve Alfred thwarting various females determined to get their hands on the Wayne fortune and/or Batman's Batpecs.

― scamperingalpaca (Chris Hill), Thursday, 9 February 2006 18:41 (nineteen years ago)

I think that one would have to feature the return of Aunt Harriet.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Thursday, 9 February 2006 18:59 (nineteen years ago)

William Golding on Runaways, featuring Gert's head on a pike.

― Madolan, Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:24 (nineteen years ago)

Raymond Carver on Identity Crisis. Lot's of sadface, only covered in apparent numbness and we never get to know what went wrong that got these people to be so fucked up.

― Amadeo (Amadeo G.), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:26 (nineteen years ago)

Judy Blume on Teen Titans: "Are You There Ares, It's Me, Wonder Girl"

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:29 (nineteen years ago)

Philip Roth's Logan's Complaint

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:33 (nineteen years ago)

two months pass...

Jackie Collins' Justice League Wives

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Thursday, 20 April 2006 17:51 (nineteen years ago)

LOL.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 20 April 2006 17:56 (nineteen years ago)

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