The Worst Comic You EVER Read EVER

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NOT A POLL (because it would probably never be completed, and/or we'd have too many nominees).

Inspired by TOMBOT's recollection of the goddamn SPAWN: The whole second issue of DHII where he's on that incredibly stupid planet where they banned robots and guns after some insipid war, and everything is medieval, but with rogue cyborgs, is one of the stupidest pieces of comicry I've ever bought, second only to the Frank Miller issue of SPAWN where some hot bitch gets killed by a ridiculous weapon and our man Simmons goes on a tear and teleports himself inside some steroid-addled idiot's gut and blows him up from the inside, god, remembering that is giving me Brain Damage.

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 15:44 (twenty years ago)

BLOODSTRIKE NUMBER FIVE

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 15:45 (twenty years ago)

An issue of some godawful image thing called Newmen. Horrible sub-Liefield art, absolutely no story, and an English character who at one point says "awright mite!" Ug. It was in a bundle of comics my former housemate very kindly picked it up from a pound shop for me. I still have it.

― chap who would dare to be completely sober on the internet (chap), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 15:51 (twenty years ago)

Ah, Image.

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 15:53 (twenty years ago)

I hope that Newmen was about a dystopic future run by Alfred E. clones.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 15:55 (twenty years ago)

"What, me unclench?"

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:04 (twenty years ago)

NEW GUARDIANS.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:19 (twenty years ago)

That Demon thing from a coupla years back, with the young Asian lady and the 2 Furious street-racing, was awful. Not even ridiculous enough to provoke any chuckles, just cover-to-cover idiocy.

I'm sure, though, that I read far worse back fifteen years ago, and struck it from the memory.

― ample parking (Garrett Martin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:31 (twenty years ago)

I think I missed out on the PRIME ERA of shitty comics by abstaining from 91-04, but, um, yeah, New Guardians is crazy bad.

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:33 (twenty years ago)

More information on the Demon racing plz!

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:35 (twenty years ago)

Haha, nice. There's also this, as described deadpan in Wikipedia, which I'm browsing today instead of doing work:

During the "Acts of Vengeance", the Asgardian trickster god Loki manipulated various supervillains into attacking random superheroes with whom they had no previous enmity. For the climax of this chaos, he magically amplified the power of three Sentinels, merged them into the massive Tri-Sentinel, and sent the gestalt robot to destroy New York City by levelling a nearby nuclear power plant. Spider-Man was possessed by the disembodied spirit known as Captain Universe to prevent this from occurring, and lost the Captain Universe power once he destroyed the Tri-Sentinel.

also I have just read that Captain Universe appears AGAIN in Death's Head 3, so the cycle of ridiculous bullshit is nearly complete and I should soon be perfectly happy abandoning all American color comics fandom altogether.

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 15 March 2006 16:37 (twenty years ago)

Here's a review of that Demon comic (Demon: Driven Out). It's considerably more impressed than I was. I read off the rack in the store in like ten minutes. Perchance I failed to notice its redeeming qualities? Probably not, though.

See, that's the thing: I was sorta expecting it to be funny, you know? Etrigan + Yakuza + The Fast and the Furious should = major laughs nine times out of ten. This Dysart dude rolled that tenth percentile, though. All humorless and ultraserious and pretentious, and stuff. She likes thrills so much she works for the mob! But that don't thrills her enough, so she races illegally at night! And beats all the Vin Diesels! And then becomes a Demon, or some such shit.

I don't know, it offended my delicate sensibilites. Perhaps ishes 2 through 6 perked up a bit.

Oh, and finally, that Bryne Demon book out right now looks like a load, as well. Is the man too lazy to write bad poetry, or something?

― ample parking (Garrett Martin), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:17 (twenty years ago)

New Warriors

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:36 (twenty years ago)

Sorry, I meant New Thunderbolts.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 17:39 (twenty years ago)

I hated, hated, hated Batman: The Cult.

― Chuck_Tatum (Chuck_Tatum), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 19:30 (twenty years ago)

I hated, hated, hated Batman: The Cult. Also, I think I'll put a "worst of 2005" on the poll, which will be STARTED WITHIN 7 DAYS. At least.

― Chuck_Tatum (Chuck_Tatum), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 19:30 (twenty years ago)

Without doubt Cyberella by Howard Chaykin and Don Cameron. Only bought because they were in a bargain box and my 4 year old son liked the covers. Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful, some sort of Spice Girl superhero taking on the Devil. The letters page must have been made up in the pub. What was Howard doing with that?

― For the Love of Sub Space, Wednesday, 15 March 2006 19:45 (twenty years ago)

I liked the Cult when I was little. There was a two page spread of batman sitting on a pile of skulls saying 'welcome to hell' that pressed the right buttons in my adolescent mind. That does sound crap, now I think about.

― chap who would dare to be a stone cold thug (chap), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 20:46 (twenty years ago)

I remember a Batman/Starman/Hellboy crossover that made me hate all three characters.

― Sparkle Motion's Rising Force, Wednesday, 15 March 2006 21:17 (twenty years ago)

Is the man too lazy to write bad poetry, or something?

The Kirby Demon didn't start rhyming until the fifth issue or something so therefore Byrne is the only writer in thirty years to RESPECT THE INTEGRITY OF THE CREATOR'S VISION, fact.

― kit brash (kit brash), Friday, 17 March 2006 05:15 (twenty years ago)

Issue 4 of Phoenix, published by Atlas Comics back in '75. Starts with the titular character trying to kill himself, ends with the readers wanting to do the same.

Well, no, not that bad, but bad enough that I threw it across the room in disgust after reading it.

Anybody wants to take a look at it, all four issues are written about at http://www.atlasarchives.com/comics/phoenix.html

― David Simpson (David Simpson), Friday, 17 March 2006 10:17 (twenty years ago)

Arkham Asylum stinks (and probably killed off the comics boom of 1990).

― Pete (Pete), Friday, 17 March 2006 10:56 (twenty years ago)

"Arkham Asylum" is indeed very bad.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Friday, 17 March 2006 11:06 (twenty years ago)

What was so bad about it, beside the fact that it was unreadable?

― Sparkle Motion's Rising Force, Friday, 17 March 2006 22:36 (twenty years ago)

The binding was rubbish!

― kit brash (kit brash), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:29 (twenty years ago)

Sparks. (my review)

― Vermont Girl (Vermont Girl), Thursday, 23 March 2006 20:43 (nineteen years ago)

how come no one has mentioned CAMELOT 3000

― DV (dirtyvicar), Thursday, 23 March 2006 21:23 (nineteen years ago)

For some reason I always associate it with Squadron Supreme, which is much worse. C3K has Excalibur being lifted out of the vats of a plant where they make people into hideous mutant creatures, which is more than you can say for the original No-We're-Not-The-JLA.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 23 March 2006 22:22 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, Camelot 3K is hardly stand-out bad by the standards of the times! DId you just get burnt waiting a year between issues 11 and 12?

― kit brash (kit brash), Thursday, 23 March 2006 22:53 (nineteen years ago)

I've never read Camelot 3000, but it's drawn by Bolland so it can't be all bad.

― chap who would dare to be a stone cold thug (chap), Friday, 24 March 2006 01:05 (nineteen years ago)

Come on! The list for worst comics of all time include: Cyberella, The Cult, Camelot 3000, and Arkham Asylum? These are all auteur works: Chaykin, Starlin/Wrightson, Brian Bolland, and GM/Mckean respectively. While that might not be enough to make them special, the worst comic ever should be a comic that isn't even interesting for being bad, like the Death of Superman or a random Brandon Peterson X-Men issue.

― kenchen, Friday, 24 March 2006 02:44 (nineteen years ago)

I don't remember the title, but it was a late-70s Charlton comic.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Friday, 24 March 2006 03:01 (nineteen years ago)

I'm having a hard time picking the worst, but this one is totally in the running.

― ng-unit, Friday, 24 March 2006 03:14 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.thefourthrail.com/reviews/critiques/051302/justimaginecatwoman.shtml

Stan Lee's Catwoman. dreadful stilted dialogue. bought it for the bachalo art.

― koogs (koogs), Friday, 24 March 2006 10:42 (nineteen years ago)

I'm having a hard time picking the worst, but this one is totally in the running.

Oh man. Is that Paul Kupperburg who wrote probably the worst strip ever printed in 2000AD, "Trash"?

― Philip Alderman (Phil A), Friday, 24 March 2006 12:01 (nineteen years ago)

X-Men/Fantastic Four. (Not Claremont's X-Men vs. Fantastic Four from the 80s, but the Akira Yoshida abomination from a few years ago). I think I posted about this once before... The Fantastic Four show up at the mansion and fight the X-Men for absolutely no reason, and then convince them to fly them to a space station on the Blackbird because... the F4 have no plane of their own? I don't know. They say that no one with energy emitting powers can go, and then pick Gambit for the mission. Then by amazing coincidence exactly four X-Men are irradiated and given the powers of the Fantastic Four. They all fight the Brood and it occurs to them that they could have used Cerebro instead of going into space in the first place, the end.

A close second would be the Uncanny X-Men arc that took place on the Guthrie homestead where a painfully 2D redneck mutant-hating rival clan somehow acquires huge robotic suits and attempts to kill the X-Men, superimposed over the most contrived Romeo/Juliet plotline this side of Romeo Must Die (and featuring a guitar-playing mutant teen with angel wings appearing in SAME BOOK WITH ANGEL who somehow becomes a local rockstar in the middle of a small mutant-hating town? Come on). Paige and Angel go another round of their insipid soap opera romance, and a bunch of people die, but you don't care. This is when I stopped reading pretty much every X-title except Astonishing.

― Laura H. (laurah), Friday, 24 March 2006 17:01 (nineteen years ago)

P.Kup apparantly is now the editor of the Weekly World News (per LITG, I think).

― Huk-L (Huk-L), Friday, 24 March 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

Then by amazing coincidence exactly four X-Men are irradiated and given the powers of the Fantastic Four.

This includes giving Mr. Fantastic's powers to Wolverine.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Saturday, 25 March 2006 01:13 (nineteen years ago)

Does he have stretchy claws?

― chap who would dare to be a stone cold thug (chap), Saturday, 25 March 2006 01:15 (nineteen years ago)

YES. The Captain Planet reasoning for the matchup is that if you melt adamantium down, it becomes a liquid. Wait, does it? I thought it couldn't be turned back into a liquid--or was that just in the movie and non-canonical?

― Laura H. (laurah), Saturday, 25 March 2006 08:21 (nineteen years ago)

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