As Final Crisis Approaches, Ask Dr. Superman Questions about Countdown, which he lied and read anyway

Did it ever stop being absolute shit?
And did it make any sense?

Can you please just explain the plot?

You poor dear. You didn't need to make that sacrifice on my account.

Did it ever get any better?

Are you in need of medical assistance? Or some alcohol?

Was it ever, at any point, good?

I have to admit, I flick through the latest issue when I'm in the store, but mostly just as a way to exercise my eyebrows.

Did it ever stop being absolute shit?
No, and in fact, it even found new ways of being absolute shit just when you thought it had covered every possible angle.

And did it make any sense?
Only if you've read Amazons Attack (maybe).

Can you please just explain the plot?
Darkseid is playing chess with...A JEWISH MONITOR! Mary Marvel dances with Eclipso in the pale moonlight! Jimmy Olsen, um, you know. A bunch of minor female characters run around out of costume, first in a brownstone, then on an island! Pied Piper and Trickster learn the true meaning of Christmas, and then Trickster dies! Donna Troy, Jason Todd and Kyle Rayner tour a remarkably uninspired multiverse with a WASP Monitor (no board games) and find Ray Palmer.

Then, fresh from the Sinestro Corps War, Superman Prime shows up and starts wrecking shit. Monarch (Captain Atom from JLI) fights him.

Then, suddenly and seemingly randomly (except that, oh yeah, we're almost done), boom tubes open up and everybody ends up on Apokalips. Except Jimmy Olsen, who was already on Apokalips. Now he's back in and around Metropolis, and in the last issue was at the Habitat, where the Hairies from the Kirby era hang out.

But all of that is just part of Darkseid's chess match with the Monitor.

Did it ever get any better?
I think Scott Kollins drew an issue that wasn't totally fugly.

Are you in need of medical assistance? Or some alcohol?
I'm covered at work.

Was it ever, at any point, good?
It's weird. Looking back at the first few issues, now, they don't seem quite as nasty as they did at the time, and at least hint that the creative team was kinda aspiring to something.

What do you now wish you had spent that $120 (or whatever it cost in loonies) on instead?

When reading, did your eyes ever cry blood (like that guy in CASINO ROYALE)?

What's with this New Gods death shit, too?

I think we will all be reading Final Crisis, hoping Morrison can answer THE question of our times:

What happens when the Anti-Life Equation hits the internet?

What happens when the Anti-Life Equation hits the internet?

G3ir H0ngr0 becomes a staff writer for Vibe.