Worst Comic Life EVER!

- had a brother named Mace.
- his dad was a jerk
- overcame that difficult childhood to do noble work with special needs kids, but got passed over for the job of Earth's Green Lantern because he wasn't as close as some cocky, self-centred flyboy.
- lost the back-up GL position to an architect with a chip on his shoulder.
- when he finally got called up to fill in for GL, he was given a dud power battery that blew up in his face after his first day.
- the power battery explosion sent him into the Phantom Zone, where he could only watch helplessly as the GL who had suckered him into using the defective power battery (which was the very reason GL had to leave Earth in the first place) moved in on his chick, who agreed to marry him.
- after somehow finding a way to stop the wedding, Green Lantern comes after him, but he brings Superman as back-up! Superman!
- Ensuing tussle leaves Guy in coma for several years.
- Guardians of the Universe revive Guy to save the Universe during the Crisis (which he does), and as thanks, he gets sent to boot camp on Maltus.
- When he splits that pop stand, and goes home to Earth, he finds that Darkseid has turned the planet AGAINST heroes!
- After saving the day, yet again, Guy's told by the other SEVEN GLs of Earth that he's not welcome to hang out with them. But they let the squirrel stay.
- So Guy starts a new Justice League, declares himself leader. Only to have Batman get his panties in knot, and then do some crazy shit that CHANGES GUY'S PERSONALITY into something more docile and controllable. When that happens to Batman, the DC Universe starts to fall apart, but when it happens to Guy Gardner, he doesn't even get a spotlight issue.
- Big Barda BoomTubes an obscure interstellar assassin onto Guy's head, reversing Batman's brain-tampering, and the obscure interstellar assassin become DC's BREAKOUT CHARACTER OF THE 90s!!!

-more to come-

Raised by an overbearing, unapproving, verbally abusive taskmasker of a father. Overworked as a child and spent more of his youth alone or harassed by his peers for his bookish, priggish manner. Finally becomes a Watcher, and is assigned to look after Faith and Buffy after Giles is fired by the Watchers Council. Both of them disregard his authority and openly disrespect and challenge him, and defer to Giles. Giles belittles him at every chance. Faith goes bad, and Wesley is to blame. He further alienates the other characters by being willing to allow Willow's death. He develops a crush on an underage high school girl, but that ends up being a horrible embarrassment. He is hurt in battle, is fired by the Council, and leaves Sunnydale, utterly humiliated. His attempt at reinventing himself in Los Angeles is a spectacular failure, but he ends up working with Angel and Cordelia. He continues to humiliate himself, but gradually earns their trust and respect. Still, he is lonely and spends much of his free time drinking heavily and having cheap one night stands with women that he picks up in bars. He is betrayed by his boss. He gets shot and must spend some time in a wheelchair. He develops a crush on Fred, but his best friend Gunn ends up with her, leading them to a rather acrimonious falling out. He alienates Fred further when his hidden misogyny is brought out mystically, and his selfloathing deepens upon realizing that those feelings are lingering in his psyche. He becomes convinced that his boss will kill his son, but he is being manipulated and is ultimately responsible for the loss of the child. He is then attacked in a park and has his throat slit. His friends totally abandon him. He ends up having an affair with a woman he loathes. She is eventually killed, and he is forced to dismember her body. Eventually he finally gets Fred, but she dies within a week. He must live with a demon king who is possessing her body and tormenting him. He is eventually killed by a wizard who stabs him in the gut with a knifes and twists it just to make it more painful.

http://www.superdickery.com/images/dick/1296_4_039.jpg

The early parts of it were also reprinted in something called FANTASY MASTERPIECES in the late '70s--shitty-quality reprints of SILVER SURFER backed up by the Warlock stuff.

DUDE HE LOST HIS HOME PLANET AND EVERYONE ON IT! SHOW SOME SYMPATHY! Poncey vamp hunters get the high hat when YOU LOSE YOUR ENTIRE RACE!

- Born a mutant at a time when mutants were being stripped of their rights and rounded up into ghettos.
- The leader of the anti-mutant movement was HIS OWN FATHER.
- Forced to constantly wear dark glesses to hide his mutation, and later kept captive by his father in the attic of his house.
- Fought in the mutant liberation war in which loads of his mates died.
- Even after mutants won limited rights, had no choice but to live in an orbiting space station and become a bounty hunter, despised by society.
- Saw his best friend murdered by Max Bubba.
- Presumed killed by some kind of weird alien cult (can't remember the story too well), but actually kept alive in agony for several years.
- Didn't even get to shag Durham Red.

- sent own brother to penal colony for breaking the Law
- had to kill own brother after escape from penal colony
- had to cruelly break off contact with charming niece, to make it less painful for her when he inevitably dies in the line of duty.
- doesn't get to shag all those cute lady Judges
- doesn't get to shag Judge Death

the story with Judge Dredd's niece is brilliant. You can sense Dredd's tears behind the mask.

Oddly, she has a very civil relationship with his young clone, also called Rico. You'd have thought there'd be issues.

xpost - Don't forget he killed ANOTHER of hie clone brothers, Judge Kraken. Seeing as Kraken had released the Dark Judges back into our dimension, however, there probably wasn't much attendant guilt.

still, LOADS of mental baggage, tho. We're talking a few train cars worth.

There was also another cadet cloned from the Dredd/Rico stock, Dolman, who decided Judging wasn't for him and became an ordinary cit(after a face change, natch). It looked like they had "plans" afoot for the character, but he seems to've disappeared from view.

I didn't know you read Outsiders, kingfish!

i don't, but i might have seen a scan of the panel where the guy goes on about that.

I'm still waiting for Superman's GENITAL CRISIS - Lois wants a baybee, but Supes can't give it to her because of, um, you know, a GENITAL CRISIS!

you mean his cousin?

http://www.comics.org/graphics/covers/1296/400/1296_4_097.jpg