HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR YOUR IDIOT REPOSITORY FRIENDS SHARE THEM HERE!

2. if your dog throws up and you pretend not to notice more often than not he will come back and eat it.

3. Making your bed is a pointless waste of time; you're just going to get back into it again. Don't do it.

4. Breathing is repetitious and wastes valuable time. Breathe once and parcel it out as needed.

5. The human body needs sleep! Not just the mind. If your mind won't sleep try some wine, if that doesn't help, at least lie down and try not to jostle around so much.

6. The more socks you own, the less often you have to wash socks.

IMPORTANT SUBNOTE: rule also easily applied to undergarments, bedsheets, clothes in general, possibly children but i have none so i cant verify that.

7. a window not cleaned for two years looks no dirtier than a window not cleaned for one year.

8. CDs piled up on a coffee table are probably just as easy to find as CDs shelved in alphabetical "order".

9. You don't have to fold your laundry if you have a spare bedroom with an unused bed in it.

10. Your room isn't really "messy" if you can find everything in it.

11. Paper plates.

12. You never actually have to wash a water glass as long as you only use it for water.

13. If it doesn't smell, it's not dirty. This applies to dishes as well as clothes.

14. "Tidying" is basically the same thing as "cleaning."

15. If you don't do it, your roommate will. Probably.

16. Grow some herbs. At the very least, have basil on hand. It will make u v happy when cooking your shitty dinner.

17. Feel like a Hollywood celebrity by fitting red carpets in every room in your house. A trip to the toilet will feel like attending a film premiere.

18. buy parsley flakes in bulk and shake a few on like everything you eat, it makes everything look 10x less sad and collegiate

19. Only use lamps; the house looks cleaner

19 (part 2). gauzy scarves draped over all the lamps will make you look less hungover.

20. If you leave your windows open all the time, your house will smell less.

21. Mac and cheese out of a box is sad, but mixing in a can of tuna turns it into fusion cooking.

22. there is nothing sad about mac and cheese, don't listen to these fools.

23. unrefrigerated pizza has about a 24 hour lifespan.

24. When the 2-ply toilet paper does that thing where the perforations don't line up anymore, just take one of the sheets all the way around to fix it.

^^^ how does this even happen????

25. You are probably not technically an alcoholic if you CHOOSE to get drunk every night instead of NEEDING to get drunk every night.

25.a. Consider purchasing cleanskin red wine. It is so much cheaper - and often it is quite good!

25b. Burnett's vodka: not too shabby.

26. finding a half bottle of Barenjaeger in a little used cabinet that you're old roommate forgot (abandoned?) should probably all be consumed the day after thanksgiving.

26b. make #26 an annual tradition.

27. Parmesan cheese, if stored in the fridge, lasts literally forever. like plastic.

28. This fact means that the proper classification for parmesan cheese is "condiment".

28b. or polymer

28c. spaceage italian polymer

29. Why by one bottle of Charles Shaw when you can buy a whole case?

29b. For that matter, why buy a case of Charles Shaw when you can buy a handle of Popov?

30. A case of beer is its own refrigerator, to the committed and fast-paced drunkard.

30a. when what you want isn't at home, go out.

30a.1. like a chicken sandwich soaked in buffalo wing sauce and topped with bleu cheese, followed by picking up a russian girl with a law degree

30b. whassup

TRIPLE PLATINUM

or TRIATHALON OF AWESOME. take your pick.

maybe both.

let's just call it a "hat drink"
like a "hat trick" but with adult beverages.

unfortunately in my business, when a girl who is hot and speaks russian fluently all of a sudden starts grabbing your phone away from you to enter her number and name, that's actually kind of BAD. the hell if I care at this point, though. Like I know anything.

your business, in that case, is RONG

in that case in this case. whatever.

i think it is safe to say that i will not be as amused by my evening choices when selling the geetars tomorrow.

31. Fun now always trumps passable existence at work tomorrow.

23. lifeis what you make of it. I am drinking the tea.

i go drink beers in bed while watching Larry Sanders show on DVD.

32. drink beers in bed while watching Larry Sanders show on DVD.