Maximum Rock and Roll: Weasel jerks off, cums onto rock, bends down and LICKS it up, then licks his fingers clean!

In the past three months, MRR's circulation has doubled. Because of this, a lot of you yo-yo's reading this column are newcomers and probably not aware of my feelings about the current fashion trends in punk rock. Even the people who HAVE been reading my columns like good little doobies apparently haven't been taking me seriously because they're still dressing like complete and total dorks.

I suggest you pay close attention to what I'm about to tell you because it could very well change your life. Without any further hoopla, I present THE OFFICIAL PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE.

1. Baseball caps are nice, I own a total of five baseball caps myself and I often wear my Cubs cap or my USA: AMERICAN AND PROUD cap when I go out to pick up the mail or stock up on Gatorade for the weekend. But I would no more wear a ball cap to a gig than I would a fez. Ball caps have no fucking place in punk rock(though the sport of baseball itself has a very important place in punk rock - I'll get to that some other time). So from here on in, anyone who wears a ball cap to a gig is a fucking jerk.

2. Baggy shorts have no place in punk rock. Baggy shorts are a product of the hip hop scene and it's there that they should remain. Nobody wants to see your turd-crusted butt crack and your piss-stained skivvies. Nobody is impressed by that stupid goddamn chain on your wallet hanging down five feet like a pair of mittens your mother clipped to your parka. If you forget to bring this column with you to your next gig after you've clipped it neatly from these pages, just remember this: Baggy pants=DORK. NO EXCEPTIONS!(I also have strong feelings about baggy t-shirts. Baggy t-shirt wearers, however, are NOT necessarily dorks, because often times they have no choice in the matter; too may bands have succumbed to the pressure to only stock XL t-shirts in their van, thus ensuring that the well-meaning punks will end up LOOKING like dorks. FUCK any band who doesn't sell LARGE t-shirts as well as[or better yet, instead of] XL t-shirts).

3. Backpacks. Backpacks are for school or hiking trips. They are not for gigs. Punk rock shows do not generally take place in the uncharted wilderness; there is no need for a backpack. They are aesthetically unpleasing, but worse, there is no valid PRACTICAL reason for wearing a backpack to a show; anything that can't fit into the pockets of your leather jacket is most likely unnecessary anyway. Which brings me to the most important segment of the PUNK ROCK DRESSCODE: what you SHOULD wear.

First of all, and most important is if you think you're a punk and you don't own a leather jacket, you're not a punk. The whiniest of you are thinking to yourselves, WELL I DON'T CARE, I DON'T WANNA BE CLASSIFIED AS A PUNK ANYWAY. Shut up and go home. Real punks wear real leather jackets. Real punks wear real leather jackets WITHOUT stupid spikes or studs or patches or paintings or stickers or band names plastered all over them. If you're a punk, your leather jacket is adorned only by a few tastefully placed buttons on the lapels. Since we have to take climate into account, you can't be expected to wear your leather jacket EVERY time you go to a gig. But if you don't wear your leather jacket at least 65% of the time when you go out, you're no punk.

Secondly, footwear is more important than you may think. If you wear Doc Martens, you're a sucker. ANY other kind of boot is acceptable. As far as sneakers go, there is one and only one acceptable brand and that is Chuck Taylor Converse All-Star hi-tops. Now, I know you already know that, but what you don't know is that punks DO NOT wear red Converse, Christmas Converse, plaid Converse or any kind of Converse except for black. Uh, that is until recently. After communicating with Stevie of the now defunct Devil Dogs AND learning that Samiam gets paid to wear black Chuck Taylors at least 50% of their onstage time, I've come to the realization that black C.T.'s have been co-opted by the mainstream and are now utterly unacceptable. I KNOW what you are thinking. You're thinking, BUT BUT BUT, ALL SORTS OF MAINSTREAM PEOPLE WEAR LEATHER JACKETS AND YOU SAID LEATHER JACKETS ARE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY OF THE PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE. Fuck you, I know what I said. The point is, leather jackets are not a SYMBOL of MAINSTREAM ALTERNATIVE/PUNK. Back C.T.'s ARE.

Because this is such a recent development, there will be a grace period of three months from the publication of this column during which you will not be considered a total fucking twit if spotted sporting black C.T.'s(e.d. your time is up). But after that three months, your C.T.'s should be white. No other colors, no funky laces or writing on the shoes, just plain white. Don't even try to argue about it because I've gone over every argument in my own head. There is no other way.

You already know that baggy pants are for the birds. Aside from that, there's a decent amount of leeway in the PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE as far as pants go, though you're really better off sticking with blue or black jeans(LEVI's ONLY! NO GAP, WRANGLER, TOUGHSKINS, JORDACHE, SERGIO or whatever the fuck else you might find).

And though you can wear just about any jacket during the 35% of the time when you're not sporting your nifty leather, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should a punk be seen wearing a gas station jacket. Gas station jackets are for guys with 20/20 vision who wear glasses anyway to impress the dimwitted emo chicks. The gas station jacket is the 90's version of the Nehru jacket and years from now, when you idiots look back at photos of yourselves in 1995 because your snot nosed kids asked you if you ever did anything besides selling insurance, you will cringe.

That's it. For the one dumb fucker in Hungary who's sharpening up his angry letter pencil at this very moment, lighten up. My PUNK ROCK DRESS CODE is only wishful thinking(though those of you who adhere to it will thank me later).

And lemme tell you something else about punks, punk. IF YOU DON'T THINK THE RAMONES WERE THE GREATEST BAND TO EVER WALK THE EARTH, YOU ARE NOT A PUNK, YOU ARE NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN A BAND, DOING A FANZINE, OR SHOWING YOUR SORRY FACE AT A GIG. IF YOU PLACE ANY BAND ABOVE THE RAMONES, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I WILL BE BUYING INSURANCE FROM YOU COME JULY.