Tim Ellison tells YOU JOKES!!!

please tim, tell us what he does!

He stands around all day and MAKES FACES!

I found a horseshoe today. Do you know what that means?

no.

I worked in factory, pressing records!

It means that some poor horse is walking around in his stocking feet!!!

TIM YOU ARE THE ANTI-ROFFLIST

Yeah Tim, I think that I hate you.

"stocking feet"

DUDE!

dude. my farts smell like butterscotch. no really. they either smell like butt or scotch.

but your jokes smell like farts

Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.

Why don't blind people like skydiving?

IT SCARES THEIR DOG.

wah wah wah waaaaaaah

what's BROWN and STICKY?




















A stick.

why'd the little girl fall out of the tree?

because the branch broke!?>

because she was dead.

why'd the little boy fall off the swing?

because he had no arms.

can I tell the most offensive and tacky and stupid joke of all time?

What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo?





A buffaloaf.

sigh

ok I will.

what's 12 inches long, totally stiff and engorged with blood?

What?

crib death.

What do you do when you hurt your toe?

DAN SELZER = THREAD SAVER!!!!!

cry

CALL A TOE TRUCK YOU ASSHOLEZ!!!

WAKKA! WAKKA!

crib death is caused my suffocation, so i imagine it wouldn't be particularly bloody. Rather funny joke otherwise

sometimes the facts are manipulated for comic effect.

one of my favorites:

a pedophile and a small boy are walking through a dark, creepy forest.

boy: *whimperz* i'm scared!
pedophile: how do you think i feel? i'm the one who has to walk out of here alone.

Q: How many elephants does it atke to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. Elephants can't fit inside light bulbs, stupid!

A man walks into a bar wearing nothing but shorts made of saran wrap and the bartender says "I can clearly see yr nuts".

what did you get when your put a dead baby in a blender?
an erection.

what did the termite say when he talked into teh bar?
is teh bar tender here?

Why did the Spiritualist cross the road? To get to teh "other side".

a string walks into a bar and orders a gin & tonic; the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve string here." dejected, the string goes outside and mopes. suddenly be stands up and begins rubbing himself on everything he can find--trees, rock, buildings. again he walks back inside and orders a gin & tonic. the bartender says, "aren't you the string that was just in here?" to which he replies, "no, i'm a frayed knot."

GOOD ONE IAN. TOWER RECRODINGS WERE NOT GREAT, THOUGH.

A guy goes to a doctor because he isn't feeling well.

Guy: "I don't feel well."
Doc: "Yes, I'm afraid you only have a month to live."
Guy: "What?! I want a second opinion!"
Doc: "OK, you're ugly too"

THIS RECORD IS GOOD; IT'S NICE TO HEAR SHORTER TRAXXX THAN TEH EPIC JAMZ THAT PERVADE TEH PSYCHEDELIC/FOLK SCENE

I DUNNO.

a baby seal walked into a club.

the first two jokes that ian told are my 2 favorite jokes.

two guys are standing at a bar. one says to the other, "i could have sex with any woman in this room that i want."
the other guys says, "oh yeah? how?"
the first guy says, "i'm a rapist."

haha! *pang*

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: The eight year-old in my basement.

(everyone's heard this one by now)

Q: What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty-eight-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them!

Q: Why didn't Superman fly to the rescue on 9/11?
A: Because he's a fucking cripple.

A Polish astronaut and a Russian cosmonaut are sitting around drinking and talking about their next mission.
The Russian cosmonaut says: I'm so great, I've been chosen to go on the next mission to Mars.
The Polish astronaut says: Yeah, well, I've been chosen to go to the SUN!
The Russian replies: You can't go to the SUN. You'd burn up and die.

The Polish astronaut retorts:

Yeah, well that's why we're going at NIGHT you fool.

HEY!

lauren, you got that from Popbitch

A man buys a horse from an old man.

The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves sitting on watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he is going to sit on it." The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he comes along a stream.

The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the horse, but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves the horse, but the horse refuses to move.

Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him back to the old man.

"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes to sit on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the middle of the river."

"I forgot to tell you," the old man replied, "he also likes to sit on fish."

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a pint of
beer, the ostrich says "I'll have a pint, too", and the cat says "I'll
have a half pint... but I'm NOT PAYING!"

The barman puts down the drinks, says it'll be $11.50, and the man
reaches into his pocket, grabs all the money he has, slaps it down on
the bar, and it's exactly $11.50. The barman thinks this is a bit odd,
but says nothing.

Later, the barman comes back for a second round, the guy orders a tall
scotch, and the ostrich orders the same. The cat says, "I'll have a
short scotch and water... but I'm NOT PAYING!" Barman says that'll be
$13.55, the man puts his hand in his pocket, grabs all the money he
has, slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly $13.55. By now the
barman is intrigued.

"Hey," he says, "how come every time I tell you your tab you come up
with exact change without even looking?"

"Well," the man says, "I once saved the life of an old witch, and as a
reward she gave me two wishes. I thought about the first one long and
hard, and wished that every time I buy something, all I have to do is
reach into my pocket and I'll come up with exact change to pay for it."

"Wow!" says the barman. "That's brilliant! Most people would just wish
for a million dollars and blow it all in a couple of months, but for
the rest of your life you'll always be able to pay for whatever you
want, from a chocolate bar to a Rolls Royce! What about your second
wish?"

"Well," says the man sheepishly, "I didn't think that one through, I'm
afraid. I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

and the invisible man said "I don't know, Wonder Woman, but my ass sure hurts!"

(if you haven't already heard that one ask somebody to tell you the rest of it)

i dont know where i heard this one, i hope it wasnt here:

whats the opposite of christopher reeve?

christopher WALKEN!

miccio's joke is actually a fantastic one.

A ventriloquist goes on holiday to Wales. After a few days drinking in the beautiful scenery of the valleys, he starts to get bored. He's heard the local farmers are somewhat simple, so he decides to have some fun with them.

He spies a farmer leaning against a fence, and asks the chap his name. "Why, it's Di Jones, boyo" the man replies.
"Nice to meet you, Di," says the ventriloquist. "Tell me, do you have any talking cows on your farm?"
"Well, they've never talked to me, boyo," chuckles Di.
"Maybe you've never asked them?" says the Ventriloquist. "Look, here comes one now. Tell me, ma'am, do you like it on this farm?"
"Oh yes," replies the cow, much to the farmer's amazment.
"And does Mr. Jones here treat you well?"
"Yes, he's a wonderful master," says the cow. "Plenty of food all year round, and he lets me sleep in the barn when it gets too cold."
"B-but that's amazing!," stammers Jones. "All these years, I never had a clue that Daisy here could talk!"

Struggling to keep a straight face, the ventriloquist asks, "And how about your chickens, Di? Do any of them talk?"
"Well now I'll believe anything, boyo!," says the startled farmer. So he leads the ventriloquist to his yard, where the dominant male is pecking in the dirt. "Tell me, Mr. Rooster, does your master treat you well?," says the ventriloquist.
"Certainly," comes the reply. "Delicious food and all the pretty hens I can cope with. Plus I'm free range, you know." By now the farmer's jaw is near the ground and ventriloquist is using every ounce of self-control he possesses to keep from doubling up with laughter.

The ventriloquist decides the fun is far from over. "And how about your sheep, Di? Do they talk?," he asks.
"The sheep are fucking liars," snaps the farmer.

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says 'I'll have a pint of lager, please'

And the barman says 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange' And the boy goes 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me'

So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me.

Then the genie says 'What will your second wish be?'

I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.'

And the genie says 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?'

So I said 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange'

hahahahahahahaha omg

that "the sheep are fucking liars" one was a big hit at summer camp. this thread needs to keep going.

What did the banana say to Bill O'Reilly?

"fuck you you fucking cunt"

Dan I., I heard the orange joke a few months ago and was telling it to everyone I could! I love that joke!!

It is important to stall by constant elaboration, though.

what do you call two lesbian vampires on their period?

lunch.

whats the worst part about rollerblading?

admitting to your parents that you're gay.

hahaha

omg

wonder woman joke googled for:
http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/heroesx.htm

What's the only type of wood that can't float?
Natalie Wood.

What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?
At least Hitler tried to finish a race.

A hillbilly and his son are settin' on the back porch, passing the jug. Between gulps, the father says, "Now son, how's you an' Lula Mae gettin' on?" The son takes a swig, shakes his head a little and says, "Paw, t' tell you the truth, I had to give her up. We's through."

Paw takes a drink, furrows his brow. "Now why'd you have to go an' do that? She's a pretty little thing." The son says, "I know, Paw. But the thing is, the other day me an' her was, you know, foolin' around a little, and things got kinda hot an' heavy, an....well, I found out she's a virgin."

Paw sits there a second, then hands his son the jug and nods his head. "Well, you done right, son. If she ain't good enough for her own folk, she ain't good enough for us."

"OFFICER ARREST THAT MAN HE'S HUMMING A DIRTY SONG!!"

I miss Tim. I wish you guys weren't such dicks to him that one day.

yeah i was thinking about that the other day. we were dicks, but seriously, FRANZ FERDINAND are balls. I think a lot of it was in fun, just ribbing on each other and shit...no big deal. I like tons of shit music and y'all can spit fire at me if you want. I LOVE YOU ALL.

But whatever.

Come on back Tim.

Jack Cole on the other hand.......NEEDS TO STAY FAR AWAY!