your terrible ideas

- an emergency eyewear service for people who lose their contact lenses or glasses while traveling. just dial a hotline number, and the Sightmobile (which plays "I Can See Clearly Now" in dinky ice cream van fashion) will deliver you a pair of disposable contacts or rental eyeglasses for a slightly ridiculous fee.

I guess you could also pick up emergency eyewear at Lenscrafters, but how are you supposed to get to Lenscrafters if you can't fucking see?

- helpmelayer.com - combines fashion advice and weather info - you can plug in your projected route when going out at night, and it will tell you whether you can get away with just t-shirt + hoodie, or whether short-sleeve + sweater + coat would be best

^^ it would have a very simple graphic interface for those who are already intoxicated before leaving the house - like "you will be freezing your ass off" would be a blue cartoon face with icicles hanging off it. You could also submit pictures of your wardrobe for more advanced customization

you know these last 2 ideas arent that bad

last one could be v handy in SF

i like the "i can see clearly now" van!

automatic vibrating toothbrush with built-in battery that recharges using the same mechanism as those flashlights that you shake back and forth to recharge.

flaw: who really cares about having a vibrating toothbrush?

would the vibration of the toothbrush cause the battery to recharge itself? have you just invented the world's first perpetual motion device?

maybe its not a bad idea. all the world's machines will run using the energy created by this toothbrush.

I really like your idea, karl, but uh, don't almost all electric toothbrushes vibrate? the ones with round, spinning heads only vibrate as a consequence of the spinning, but some of the higher-end models have an ordinary toothbrush head that cleans your teeth by vibrating at a super high speed. that Philips Sonicare hoonja-doonja is probably the best known example of the latter. it seems like every time I go to the dentist (which is not very often lately ha ha), the hygienist recommends that I buy a Sonicare. I trust her judgment, so I'll cave in one of these days. it vibrates at something like 30,000 brush strokes per minute, and it's really good at getting into those tight spaces between your teeth and under your gums — a u&k thing for anyone who's ever suffered from gingivitis. it's only $69.99 and up at Best Buy. ayo y'all, you should stop by there someday and ask for Jason (that's me!).

ha ha ha, grats dude, you know a lot about toothbrushes..

STUFU

xp - creating a sockpuppet called "target" to post about things being on sale at Target at lower prices in threads that "best buy" posted in

- A concept album based on an alternative history of the 20th century, where the Soviet Union doesn't exist, and the Communist Revolution happens in the US instead. Titled 'USSA' - United Socialist States of America. The cover would be a US flag, but the stripes in red and gold, and a hammer & sickle in the corner instead of the stars.

uh, anyway, unregistered, idk why i didn't say this last night, i guess cause i was drunk, but the "idea" part of my post was about the recharging thing, not the vibration. you are probably unaware of the shakey-flashlight-battery mechanism that i'm talkin about.

but y'see, my comment was in response to the "who really cares about having a vibrating toothbrush" part of your post and not what came before it. the shake 'n bake battery is a new concept to me, although I guess it isn't all that different from the crank-operated flashlight I own but only really use as a toy. I'm sure I'd get a lot of use out of your toothbrush on a long camping trip if I actually went camping on a regular basis.

(I wasn't drunk yesterday, so I have no excuse for any idiocy I spouted at the time, or any time really)

my toothbrush will be useful at home, too. you will never have to buy another one b/c the battery won't die and you won't have to plug it in b/c you will recharge it just by using it! i'm also thinking about adding LED lights. and various fancy replacement heads that have different strengths and weaknesses so you will want them all.

million dollars bomb pops

every package of bombpops contains a card that says "YOU WIN ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Enter in your victory code at www.------.com for details" But when you go to the website, it's just a link to my noise band called "One Million Dollars" that accompanies the lead-in commercials to The Office reruns on TNT, and there's fine print that says something like "Bomb Pops(tm) assumes that the phrase 'you win one million dollars' means 'you listen to the demos of the band One Million Dollars'

the blank stares I get when trying to explain this to my beyonce reminds me of what the founders of google must have gotten when they explained their ideas

If it includes replacement heads to clean your grill, toilet, cat, and kitchen floor, I'd easily buy a dozen of those, xxpost.

a nudie pin-up calendar to sell as a fundraiser for Safe Streets based on the warning on the back of meterperson cars "Battery on a Parking Control Officer is a criminal offence"

the calendar would feature parking control officers naked with various batteries covering the porno bits

'Jim'll fsck It' - a TV show starring Sir Jimmy Saville OBE, where he goes to a different server farm every week and runs fsck on a server.

Similar to a terrible idea I had once for a black version of the show called Jamahl'll Fix It

Quo-O-Meter - a plank of wood marked off with a graduated scale. You stand on it with your feet apart and read off the scale how rockin' all over the world you are. Feet almost together would be "Marguerita Time", feet far apart would be "Caroline" or something.

lolin at Jim'll fsck it

I thought that after Saville runs fsck, he could go "ahahaurahuauharuaahah" while waving a cigar (unlit of course). Or "How's about that they, boys and girls!". Then they could play the theme song at the end, with the lyrics amended to "Now he's done it. Jim has fsck'ed it for you!" etc.
It was the best - meaning least terrible - out of a number of celebrity themed ideas which also included "Paul Daniels' root Password Reminder Show" and "Jimmy Tarbuck Goes To The Big Laser Printer At The End Of The Hall, Takes Out The Toner Cartridge, Shakes It About A Bit, And Then Puts It Back In Programme".

Pitchforke Reviewes Reviewes - a blog reviewing pitchfork reviews in Chaucerian english

could definitely work

i made a modern to middle english translator once -- it didn't work very well:

"not alle messages are displayed: show alle messages (138 of them)"

Pitchfork Reviews Revue - a troupe of Folies girls who review Pitchfork reviews via interpretive can-can routines

An edible model of the titanic -made of seitan- called : the seitanic

they should make boogle which is google but has ghosts and skeletons

xp - did i ever tell you about the spaghetti boats?

Last night I had this terrible idea while drunk having no patience at the microwave -

ME: I wish there was a microwave that would get something FIVE MINUTE hot but in just 50 seconds...
EMILY: What?!
ME: You know, like it still did the work of the time you wanted, but in a fraction of the time - 3 MINUTES in 30 seconds....
EMILY: You mean a higher powered microwave?
ME: Yeah, I guess so.

hahaha, that was like some kind of microwave version of the spinal tap "goes to 11" thing

lol totally!

also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9mioHO4hoM

i made a modern to middle english translator once -- it didn't work very well:

"not alle messages are displayed: show alle messages (138 of them)"

― Philip Nunez, Wednesday, September 15, 2010 11:43 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

aloh

HOMER SIMPSON (watching meatloaf rotating in microwave oven): "Oooooh... Why isn't there anything faster than a microwave?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKzr42_0rEg

"prose and cons": a collection of short stories written by inmates (no poems, though)

wow, this is like the thread that i need to be on all the time.

I would read "Prose and Cons."

I'd at least crack it open, anyway.

ME: I wish there was a microwave that would get something FIVE MINUTE hot but in just 50 seconds...
EMILY: What?!
ME: You know, like it still did the work of the time you wanted, but in a fraction of the time - 3 MINUTES in 30 seconds....
EMILY: You mean a higher powered microwave?
ME: Yeah, I guess so.

<3 this, cos I have exactly these kind of conversations.

The only one I can think of right now is "Minute Made" which was gonna be an album of songs we were only gonna allow ourselves one minute to write. Or be one minute long. I forget which now.

Gave up on that idea pretty fast.

lol @ half these being "your terrible puns"

Telling my camp girlfriend "I only went out with you because girls at home don't like me"

big up camp girlfriends

Still want a microwave that gets things cold fast, like beer.