your terrible ideas

"prose and cons": a collection of short stories written by inmates (no poems, though)

wow, this is like the thread that i need to be on all the time.

I would read "Prose and Cons."

I'd at least crack it open, anyway.

ME: I wish there was a microwave that would get something FIVE MINUTE hot but in just 50 seconds...
EMILY: What?!
ME: You know, like it still did the work of the time you wanted, but in a fraction of the time - 3 MINUTES in 30 seconds....
EMILY: You mean a higher powered microwave?
ME: Yeah, I guess so.

<3 this, cos I have exactly these kind of conversations.

The only one I can think of right now is "Minute Made" which was gonna be an album of songs we were only gonna allow ourselves one minute to write. Or be one minute long. I forget which now.

Gave up on that idea pretty fast.

lol @ half these being "your terrible puns"

Telling my camp girlfriend "I only went out with you because girls at home don't like me"

big up camp girlfriends

Still want a microwave that gets things cold fast, like beer.

perhaps it would be a macrowave.

My brother has proposed such a thing so many times in life, and always follows it with an explanation of why it wouldn't work. He did it the other night on the phone. He really knows how to talk himself down from his own imagination.

Seems like if you can expand molecules without, you know, setting shit on fire or boiling it, you should also be able to contract molecules without freezing them.

http://ask.metafilter.com/162474/The-AntiKettle

To create a reverse microwave maybe you just have to cross some wires in the power cord so you can have the same effect as when you put your flashlight batteries the wrong way round (it shines darkness).

What about when they purposefully give accident victims hypothermia so their systems shut down and they don't get infections. How come I can't do that to my beer?

Don't they just ice 'em down?

"Doctors cool the body a few degrees by injecting icy saline into the patient. The goal is to limit swelling, inflammation, and other spinal cord damage."

you could probably put cold saltwater in your beer

"Hmmmm, Icy Cold Michelob Saline."

Might be an improvement.

maybe pre-freeze beer in a honeycomb lattice pucks, then drop those into a cup before pouring the rest of the beer in it -- it should colden up more quickly than ice cubes methinks?

http://www.wholesalebarsupplies.com/images/Chiller-Group.jpg

I've seen this in bars, but they're not handy at home.

Don't like them in bars either since you're no longer getting your money's worth.

"prose and cons": a collection of short stories written by inmates (no poems, though)

― tumlbrah (dayo), Sunday, September 26, 2010 10:48 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

Sorry, but I think Saturday Night Live beat you to it by a few decades (I can't watch this clip, but I think it's about Jack Abbott, the incarcerated writer Norman Mailer discovered)

take the principle of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-heating_can and replace the exothermic reaction with an endothermic reaction. would probably cost too much though. endothermic reactions involve weird reagents and dangerous products.

Theres a bottle shop near me that has these holes in bench that it say are for "rapid chilling" bottles of wine. I dunno how it works or how effective it is. But having one built into ones kitchen bench would be awesome.

A stick of rock with 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it. So when people suggest something that's a bad idea, I can say "That's such a bad idea, that if it were a stick of rock, it would have 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it.". Then I would hand them the actual stick of rock with 'BAD IDEA' written all the way through it.

you can get 'em with 'Blackpool' written all the way through; pretty much the same thing

haha

a second driving test where u get drunk beforehand -- if u pass, whatever u blew on the breathalyzer is your new legal limit

you have maybe won thread

xp: I was thinking about pretty much the same thing except substitute "cellphone conversation" for "drunk" in light of Maryland's new anti-cell phone while driving legislation.

Abracadaver - a novelty funeral parlour (advertising slogan: "We make bodies disappear... Like magic!")

why is abracadaver in the terrible ideas thread? you should put it in the awesome ideas thread

xp - wouldn't that be more like a killer-for-hire business?

Or crime scene clean up?

yes - crime scene clean up - even better!

"You stab them, we slab them!"

http://www.istrianet.org/istria/visual_arts/history/images/skeleton-dancing1.gif

since this thread has taken a turn for the morbid, I propose a machine that makes dead people speak. it would mechanically stimulate/move all of the corpse's speech organs, forcing air through the vocal tract, opening and closing the larynx, and moving the tongue, lips, and jaw. everything would be computerized so that the corpse-machine could vocalize text transmitted to it remotely via laptop. the typist could get it to produce words as well as nonverbal utterances (sighs, groans, laughs, etc.), and the system would approximate the dead person's accent.

I think it would be really popular to have dead people "speak" at their own funerals, offering words of comfort like "I'm not in any pain" and "I met rover on the rainbow bridge; he says woof". if you tied the body to a chair and added some eye and head movements, the mourners might even forget for a few magical minutes that their loved one was dead.

creative people could even use the corpse-machine for performance art, having it recite the Last Rites or sing "Nearer My God to Thee" over and over until its speech organs slowly decayed, reducing its voice from a normal, lifelike tone to a ghastly, unintelligible rasp to a hollow gust of wind. the length of the performance would be determined, of course, by the quality of the embalming.

(if things got out of hand, you could always send the corpse-machine to Abracadaver for "reprogramming")

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7zDebveHeM

Juzzzztiizzzz

ok wow

since this thread has taken a turn for the morbid, I propose a machine that makes dead people speak.

Sounds really Victorian to me.

delivery breakfast in bed. u drop your spare key off the day before.

is this maybe a great idea? i can't tell

could work for fancy people

or people with aspirations of fanciness

would have to present itself as a v fancy business, as if jeeves is every employee

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j237/innocentsmith/smith/Tuppy124.jpg

noting that cigarette lighters run out of either flint or gas first, a light 'chop shop' that could then cobble together the parts to make 'new' lighters.

Of course the work involved would mean charging far more than just buying a new one.

also

a charitable organisation that provided vuvuzelas for underprivileged street children

a interior design firm that only decorates your home with giant S's decked out in gold and lame and other expensive things, the firm is called "large S"

wait largesse doesn't mean what I thought it means :(