ThE gHoSts Of ReSuMe PaSt

Merry Christmas 1p3.

As per out new tradition, I will proceed to drink and share personal stories on this holiday.

The dudes in my hood heavily mocked me for not having a job. My best friend's younger brother, Donnie, even had a job!

I had to get a job.

Donnie got me a job. We passed out coupons for the local Dominoes Pizza, door to door, on call. The manager hired teens, no questions asked, and paid them under the table. I was 14. We worked maybe 3 hours per day.

He stopped calling us for work. Rumor has it, some kid decided to dive into a customer's backyard pond and broke his neck or died or something.

I miss that $7 a day pay now.

Older dudes from our neighborhood worked at "Foodway". Donnie got another job quickly with them.

I got mocked (and beaten up) again for not having a job.

Donnie told me he could get me a job at Foodway. Just come down while he's there. He'll talk to them.

I found Donnie. He told me hold on. He needed to find "Mr. French". Donnie came back and took me to meet Mr. French. Mr. French was OLD. Like, 50!

Mr. French began to ask me what seem to be random questons.

Mr. French: "If you were asked to do a job asap, what would you do?"

Donnie: (Lauhging)

Me: "Uh, I would do it as fast as I could sir."

Donnie: (Laughing)

Mr. French: "What do you mean?"

Donnie: (hysterically laughing)

Me: "I would run?"

Donnie: (keeling over laughing)

Mr. French: "That a wise response! What If I asked you to do a good job? Would this mean you could slow down?"

Donnie (falling on the floor laughing)

Me: (looking at Mr. French quizzically and seeing him crack a smile. I smile back): "No sir. I would do the job as fast as I can, but carefully!"

Donnie: (tears in his eyes from laughter)

Mr. French: (kind of laughing) "You are as smart as you look son."

Donnie: (tears in his eyes from laughter)

Me: (laughing now, and I don't understand why) "Thank you sir."

Donnie: (tears in his eyes from laughter)

Mr. French: (laughing) "Can you come in tomorrow at 5pm."

Donnie: (blinded by laughter)

Me: "Uh, wait. Do I have the job?"

Donnie: (literally hits the floor laughing)

Mr. French: "What do you think this was for?!"

I showed up at 5. I was told to "go see Kelvin for orientation."

This place was GHETTO. I don't mean just mom and pop. I mean literally, ghetto.

Kelvin was alone in a small room in back of this grocery store. He was a man. Like, 18 year old MAN. And Huge. And Black.

Me: "Are you Kelvin? They told me you'd give me orientation."

Kelvin turns to me in his rolling chair tucked in a slightly darkened corner.

Kelvin" "Orientation? (chuckles). Alright...See this here?"

Kelvin walks to a corner of the room and lifts a red shopping cart handle.

Me: "Yeah?"

Kelvin: "When they call 'red buggy' over the speaker, that means we're being robbed. This happens about every 3 months."

Me: (silent and still) :O_o

Kelvin: "You are supposed to go up behind the robber, and hit him on the head. You have to make sure you knock him out though."

Me: (silent and still) :O_o !!

Kelvin: "You wanna know what I do? I come over here..."

Kelvin walks me onto the floor over to the microwavable foods section. This was like, 1988, and my parents did not buy microwavable foods yet, so again, O_o.

Kelvin: "I grab this cheeseburger, and I walk over here..."

Kelvin walks back to his little room in back. I follow him, confused.

Kelvin: "...and I put this cheeseburger in this microwave, cook it for 2 minutes, then eat it." Kelvin demonstrates.

Me: (silent) O_o

Kelvin: "What will you do when they call red buggy?"

Me: (long pause) "Uh, get a cheeseburger?"

Kelvin: "You catch on quick."

I am "bluffing and blocking" in my 2nd week. Kelvin is fired for "an undisclosed reason."

My work partners are stealing! Like mad! Like, everything!!

The manager, Jimmy, comes over to me.

Jimmy: "What are you doing?!"

Me: "Bluffing and blocking, sir."

Jimmy: "Blocking WHAT?!"

Me: "Well, I had to do these little cans of evaporated milk, which took a very long time to get each one to the front, sir."

Jimmy: "Do I look like a man to you?"

Me: "Yes."

Jimmy: "Dude, I'm a kid, just like you, so don't call me sir."

Me: (confused)

Jimmy: "You know Mr. French is my uncle, right?"

Me: (long pause) "I've heard rumors."

Jimmy: "I am. You want to impress Mr. French, you bluff and block. I don't care what you do. Do whatever you want. And I mean WHATEVER."

Me: O_o

Jimmy: "All I care about is you stock the milk & bleach, and mop and buff the floor before 10pm. Otherwise, I'm in trouble, and I will fire you. Got that?"

Me: "Yes."

Jimmy proceeds to tell my partner to quit flirting with the cashier and get back to work, and Jimmy forces the cashier to go to the backroom to "come talk to him."

I open a bag of Rollos.

haha v good more!

Kelvin: "What will you do when they call red buggy?"

Me: (long pause) "Uh, get a cheeseburger?"

Kelvin: "You catch on quick."

literal lols at this

At 17, I moved in w/ my 1st real girlfriend.

I went EVERYWHERE for a job. I got no response. Weeks passed. I decided I better follow up.

I started at Little Caeser's Pizza since they were closest. And the cute girl from school supposedly worked there.

It was a slow afternoon when I walked in. The guy in back came to the front. I said I was here about the job. His face lit up.

"He's here! He's here! Hey, he's here!"

I was like, finally.

The manager comes to the front.

"We've been waiting for you!"

FINALLY!

"Now you will be starting tonight. You need to fill these out. I know you have already done some of this, but it's requirement. I'm sorry. We're just glad yo showed up!"

I'm beginning to get concerned. I can't imagine my application citing Foodway and Winn-Dixie is all that impressive, but I fill out a duplicate application and other papaerwork.

The manager tells the assistant manager, Chris, to call the home office and tell them that I'm here. Chris is excited. Really excited.

I need help with the dup app. I ask the manager, "do I really need the zip code for Foodway? I really don't know it, but it's just a neighborhood over."

Chris stops cold on the phone. "Uh...I need to call you back."

"What is your name again?"

Me: "Uh, Joe?"

The manager turns to Chris. Chris looks concerned.

"You're not from North Carolina, are you?"

"No, I'm from Michigan. But I've lived here for a few years now."

The manager turns to Chris. Chris throws up his arms, clearly distraught.

"Well, we gotta put you to work now that you filled out the paperwork. Can you come in tonight?"

Hell, I forgot it's New Years Eve. I consider saying no. I say yes.

"Come back in two hours and you can start. You can at least put the dough in the pans. We could use the help tonight, I guess."

"Wait, do I have a job after tonight?"

"Uh, yeah. I'll put you on the schedule once we finish with this holiday stuff. Just show up."

As I walk out, another guy comes in and announces he just arrived; a transfer from North Carolina. It was not the cute girl from school. He didn't even look like me.

A couple points worth noting.

1.) A REALLY weird old man lived -- LIVED -- in the back of Foodway. Another relative of Mr. French. He barely spoke English. Not because English was his second language. He didn't have a language. The only thing I ever got from trying to decode (which some guys did) was the word "ragget" (extra-ha for ILX) translated to "palette".

He only owned a microwave (thankfully not the one Kelvin used) and a wall of Penthouse centerfolds. He showered in the mop bucket station.

2.) That Little Caeser's branch never rescheduled me. After much pestering, they transferred me to the "freak branch", which meant everyone there liked "freaky music" and was "freaky". Basically, they thought they were too cool for ANYTHING. Chris also got transferred there later and was my manager then. He was originally from Nashville, and very intro Prong.

Education portion of resume:

I had to go to summer school after moving states at the end of 5th grade.

At the risk of sounding Vanilla Ice bio, I should note that much (if not most) of my background is in Black neighborhoods/schools.

This school was Black. The teacher was Black. My classmates were mostly Black. Dixon, a classmate, was Black. I am Mexican. I'm well aware that I was immersed in Black culture, and this was during the Breakdancing era when even my Mom said "fresh".

For some reason, the teacher goes on a tirade about how there are different cultures in America. The class falls silent.

"There are two cultures in America you know. In fact, there are several. There're people from all over living here..."

At this point, I'm like, "duh".

"...there is Caucasian culture, which is dominant, and there is Black culture too. I'm sure most of you are aware that your culture at home may not be like the culture you see on tv or may experience as an adult at work. But there's also more than one type of Black culture too; an adult culture, and a street culture!"

The class is completely silent.

"Street culture even has it's own language! Does anyone here know any street language?"

Again, breakdancing era of a Black school.

Class remains silent. I start thinking, am I about to learn the SECRET language of Black people that even my Black friends know nothing about?

The class is completely silent for a very long time.

Finally, Dixon, who in 5th grade, certainly weighs over 200 lbs, raises his hand, very, very slowly.

"Yes. Dixon."

"Um...uh...Scoy?"

"And what does scoy mean Dixon?"

"It means boy, sir."

"Scoy. Did you get that class? Scoy, in street language, means boy. Anyone else have another example?"

Class is frozen.

After a long, long pause, Dixon raises his hand again.

"Yes, Dixon."

"Scirl?!

"I'm presuming scirl means girl Dixon?"

"Yes sir."

"Thank you Dixon."

My first "real job" was in a call center for AT&T. As a temp. Everyone was a temp there.

I got put on an international campaign. I was assigned to "Juan" for training. Juan a guy on the phones whop was was quite a bit older, and of course, bi-lingual, so I presumed his expertise on this.

They sat me with Juan and split headphones so I could listen in. Juan did not introduce himself. Juan never even looked at me.

BEEEEEP. A live call.

"hellothankyouforcallingtheinternationallineofat&tmynameisjuanhowmayihelpyou?"

As the caller explained his issue, Juan muted the phone and navigated the screens, explaining to me what to do, precisely in this manner:

"poosh thees button. now poosh this button. poosh thees button. and poosh thees button."

Juan unmuted, and answered the caller in a VERY heavy accent. The caller was satisfied enough and hung up.

Juan quickly ran through the remaining screens, and said to me "poosh thees button. now poosh this button. poosh thees button. and poosh thees button."

I explained to Juan I had trouble following the what and whys of what he typed. Juan interrupted me, saying he will make it clear on his next call.

BEEEEP

"hellothankyouforcallingtheinternationallineofat&tmynameisjuanhowmayihelpyou?"

Juan mutes the phone again, and finally, looks at me, bugs his eyes a bit, types, and says to me "poosh thees button. now poosh this button. poosh thees button. and poosh thees button."

"Juan, I'm sorry, but I don't understand. There, when you type that, why do you select this option instead of that option?"

He interrupts again: "No no. Push theeeees button."

I went live, untrained, 10 minutes later.

lol @ "whop" typo

Between Little Caeser's and AT&T, I had two jobs, which are of little interest:

1.) Blockbuster, where the guy stealing cash and merch was a lesser concern over whether or not I was straight. I think that came about because I didn't hit on the "cute girl" at work (she wasn't even that cute). No one thought to ask if that was because I had a g/f at the time, which I did. Again, cash and merch was missing daily, and the boss was sleeping with the regional manager.

2.) An inventory service where we traveled out of state daily to count inventory of Winn Dixie stores at 4am. There was a weird fat guy who when you called his name to say what's up, he inexplicably sang the chorus of "Jesus is Just Alright with Me" as his response.

Also, at Little Caeser's, after most of the "freaks" quit, I became shift manager, and the manager (Scott) was only 19.

His girlfriend was this adorable Asian chick named Elanor, which to this day, the thought of hot/stylish/young Asian chicks named Elanor remains !!!!!!

Manager and Elanor had sex in the store after hours, which for most is gross, but to me, !!!!

Your formatting is killing me, dude.

While working at Prudential, our corner wanted to order Chinese food.

Charlene insisted on ordering a dish she called, "Pu Pu Gai Pan".

There was a weird fat guy who when you called his name to say what's up, he inexplicably sang the chorus of "Jesus is Just Alright with Me" as his response.

Only just now read this thread. This ^ here, is amazing. I am incorporating this into my behavioral repertoire, like the lean and snap from "a lol of our own."

Hey Pappa, what's up?

This is a thread of major <3

Awww, I thought nobody read this. Thank you Rox & Trayce!

Should I have a couple calimochos tonight, I might go dancing in the dark, walking through the park, and start reminiscing...

Also, opening this begins my lol @ Charlene's 'poo poo guy pan'.

i love random shit about your life threads

I showed up at 5. I was told to "go see Kelvin for orientation."

This place was GHETTO. I don't mean just mom and pop. I mean literally, ghetto.

Kelvin was alone in a small room in back of this grocery store. He was a man. Like, 18 year old MAN. And Huge. And Black.

Me: "Are you Kelvin? They told me you'd give me orientation."

Kelvin turns to me in his rolling chair tucked in a slightly darkened corner.

Kelvin" "Orientation? (chuckles). Alright...See this here?"

Kelvin walks to a corner of the room and lifts a red shopping cart handle.

Me: "Yeah?"

Kelvin: "When they call 'red buggy' over the speaker, that means we're being robbed. This happens about every 3 months."

Me: (silent and still) :O_o

Kelvin: "You are supposed to go up behind the robber, and hit him on the head. You have to make sure you knock him out though."

Me: (silent and still) :O_o !!

Kelvin: "You wanna know what I do? I come over here..."

Kelvin walks me onto the floor over to the microwavable foods section. This was like, 1988, and my parents did not buy microwavable foods yet, so again, O_o.

Kelvin: "I grab this cheeseburger, and I walk over here..."

Kelvin walks back to his little room in back. I follow him, confused.

Kelvin: "...and I put this cheeseburger in this microwave, cook it for 2 minutes, then eat it." Kelvin demonstrates.

Me: (silent) O_o

Kelvin: "What will you do when they call red buggy?"

Me: (long pause) "Uh, get a cheeseburger?"

Kelvin: "You catch on quick."

― intersting moran (PappaWheelie V), Wednesday, December 24, 2008 8:20 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yah i love this thread

this is such a great thread!