rolling (non-millenials) grabbing the brass ring 2015

Oh man, poor Ascension, not even the New Age Outlaws could get them over. I don't really like them, but what a sad debut.

Christian, if I remember correctly, has officially retired. It wasn't announced because it has been years since anyone has cared about Christian.

Lol perhaps I am missing some glaring sarcasm here, but I've read "not even the new age outlaws" in some other places too, so even if you were kidding i am gonna take this opportunity to vent a little.

I mean, how the fuck are the fuckin road dogg and assman billy gunn gonna get anyone over in 2015? They were never, they were fucking never remotely good at any stage, they just had a catchphrase that caught on. You might as well be surprised at someone not getting over on hacksaw jim duggan in 2015 (curse you meltzer for puttin that analogy on my head).

Perhaps the bullshittiest part of wwe's latter-day revision of its own history is the deification of these two hacks as the greyest tag team EVAR in an utterly transparent metaphorical rimjob to hhh and hbk meant to ensure that every aspect of attitude era dx is enshrined forever after as the pinnacle of what pro wrestling could and should be about.

Don't get me wrong, I have watched and enjoyed a number of jeff jarrett's mid 90s wwf matches, but even so. I don't wish him any ill feeling on a personal level, but fuck Brian James forever imo

619 spots or not, rey was one of the best workers in the world well into the late 2000s, even if he was mostly useless since then. he got a lot of smark hate but whatever

fwiw christian claims that he isn't retired but wwe says he is, so who knows

also i fuckin hate the outlaws more than any team maybe ever but they were undeniably over and are still pretty beloved by the general fan

well w/e, who gives shit about shouting along to a chant, that does NOT make you over. no one in 2015 is tuning in to watch the New Age Outlaws, no matter how much the ppl in the audience enjoy giving it some beans during their intro on PPV. The Ascension will never be nothing unless those two dudes change their gimmicks bcuz apparently it was more important for Rd Dogg to get his chant in on one of the big PPVs and fuck the biggest tag team to come through developmental in several years (once again, idgaf that the Ascension are a pair of goofs, FUCK BRIAN JAMES, FUCK BILLY GUNN AND FUCK DGX IN GENRAL IMO)

There was no problem with bringing back the Outlaws for nostalgia's sake. You bring them out for the opening match, they hit their catchphrases, there's plenty of room for that in wrestling. The problem was forcing people to take them seriously by making them the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. The Outlaws got over by making of fun of old teams like the Road Warriors, who weren't as old in 1998 as the NAO were in 2015.

their 2014 title run was horrific. also pretty bad: the philly crowd at the rumble chanting "you still got it" at billy gunn

brandon stroud:

Best: Stephanie McMahon, Professional John Cena Wrangler

Sometimes the Bests and Worsts in these columns can be muddled and facetious, so I want to clarify that when I give Stephanie McMahon a Best for being a boss (and a baws) and shutting down John Cena’s fussy temper tantrum I am giving her the Best Possible Best.

Here’s the thing: John Cena is used to getting what he wants. He’s popular with children because he’s the Ultimate Child. Why do you think he’s always dressed like that? He’s the perfect adult version of an upset, raging toddler. He’s able to hold his breath longer and stomp his feet louder than any child could and get what he wants, every time. He can’t be punished. He can’t be grounded. He says I WANT THIS and if you tell him no, he calls you names and threatens you. You have to give in. He’ll “never give up” because he doesn’t (or can’t) have an adult’s perspective. He’s Veruca Salt in the body of a 37-year old body builder.

Think about his motivations. He says he wants something and his boss tells him no, so he calls her a bitch. She still tells him no, and he’s so mad that his rage bubbles over and he violently attacks the next person he sees. He’s mad because he’s not getting what he wants for the first time in 15 years. When people are calling him “old,” they don’t mean he’s an old man … they mean he’s getting older, which if you’ve ever watched an episode of ‘Rugrats’ is the worst thing that can happen to a little kid. You’re not daddy’s little princes any more. It’s time to learn how to make your bed and wipe your own ass.

Stephanie and Triple H aren’t bad guys because they’re evil bosses like Vince was, they’re PARENTS. Parents are the ultimate bad guys now. They make this decisions about what’s best for everyone that seem selfish and withholding. They seem mean, then say they aren’t. We’re seeing the story from the child’s perspective, with the Special Precious Baby (Cena) suddenly losing his parents’ attention because of new additions to the family. Why do you think Cena’s always ranting about how NXT guys aren’t gonna show up and take his spot? He’s worried that when the new baby comes, his parents won’t love him anymore.

Stephanie McMahon as the angry mom who loves her son but knows he’s being a little brat is the best. She’s keeping it together in front of all these people, but when they get home so help her God she’s going to light his ass up. And wait until his FATHER gets home.

The more I type it, the more it makes sense. Triple H used to be the John Cena character. He was raised as a pageant child, then rebelled when he met some cool friends. He raged against all the “grown up” characters on the show, pointed to his dick a bunch, spray painted stuff. Made jokes about how “cock” meant both chicken and penis. He then “grew up,” cut his hair and became the adult. Now he’s got these kids of his own and these rose-colored memories of how good he was when he was their age, and how everybody loved and praised him for being such a good boy.

Solomon Crowe has a shit stain on his butt. Also he's punk rock taz? another week and i still dgi.

I don't think I could care less about Solomon Crowe than I do. He doesn't draw any sort of interest or emotion from me. I was more interested in watching CJ Parker's temper tantrum and Jordan and Dillinger than anything he has done thus far.

at least they apparently replaced his dumb finisher with, uh, the stretch muffler

idgaf about crowe either but i feel like that's almost amplified by how awesome all of the other debuts have been on nxt over the past year or so... itami, balor, owens, etc. hopefully he'll kinda figure it out because it seems like nxt generally does a good job of curating its talent, but... yeah.

owens is already approaching top-tier of fave wrestlers ever with this insane bully schtick. i kinda wonder if this would translate to 30000 people audiences but goddamn i am loving the fact that he's just petty and mean to everyone because family.

i saw someone describe it as a walter white gimmick, which i think is perfect. like him and hunter had a discussion about how waiting too late and then getting the chance finally to gain the love and protection of your family can turn ww/ko into a psychopath.

and if true, thats amazing, cos if it was vince who'd watched breaking bad he'd had told him to put on the hazard suit and called him Gordon 'The Cook' Grey or something and he'd be a heel by hitting people with science.

so now breaking in the Rumorz mill: samoa joe and the briscoes heading to nxt. heard something about the latter a few weeks ago and it's blowing up today, and joe himself confirmed negotations with hhh recently.

is hhh the biggest money mark of all?

loooool the briscoes. really smart hiring racist homophobes that will give champion face promos about things like how interracial marriage is wrong.

funny you should mention that, since jay's twitter is what kept them from getting signed a few years ago: he deleted his twitter completely. they know where their bread is buttered this time.

Yeah one can only hope that they are the last of a dying breed in this regard. I mean this personal politics thing is maybe the single most recurring obstacle to my uninhibited enjoyment of pro wrestling in general, this constant reaffirmation on all sides of just incredibly backwards and occasionally borderline evil/despicable attitudes and prejudices.

Inevitable, perhaps, given the history and nature of the business, the way that these dudes live their whole lives in this insanely testosterone-driven and steroid-fuelled uber-macho alpha-male environment, but nevertheless it makes me sad that in 2015 it is still not the least bit surprising when even the guys who seem at times to be more like proper human beings come out with just the most awfully depressing shit (Jericho stepping up to defend this Bill DeMott skidmark on Twiitter was a recent example).

It's the start of a slippery slope, interrogating (or paying any attention whatsoever to) the personal politics of pro rasslers, bcuz I mean even now there are just SO fucking many of them with these shitty out-of-time views of the world. I generally try not to think about it because as i say, it can really kill my enjoyment of the whole thing if I dwell on it too much.

Disclaimer tho, I say all of this as a guy who can happily still watch and enjoy the in-ring output of a dude that murdered his own son with his patented and incredibly badass finishing submission hold, so maybe i am just a hollow shell of a person like those two boys in Oryx & Crake who spend their free time watching ppl get killed on the internet. Also Usos-Briscoes in a 10 minute spot-fest to open Summerslam this year would be totally fine and, like-as-not, actually a p. fucking enjoyable nothing-match

i am certainly no stan for the Attitude Era in general, but man oh man, amongst the many many things the WWE could do with right now it is more tag teams made up of brothers (preferably real but kayfabe would do)

wait that's wrong i typed it too fast, preferably kayfabe but real would do

first off: yeah, would really be into usos/briscoes

secondly yeah, i kinda think it's best not to dwell too hard on lots of these dudes' personal politics if you want to keep watching, because jesus christ it is a slippery slope. being aware of them is definitely good, because there are stand-up folks in the business for sure, but so many of them are just garbage and that's before you're getting into the ones who've killed human beings

re: jericho, he's really shown his colors as an asshole in the last few years, think his very public midlife crisis has exposed a lot of that

Speaking of rassle-dudes who've killed human beings, I was re-watching and thoroughly enjyoing this match earlier this evening - first watched in the immediate aftermath of Wrestle Kingdom 9, when it became clear to me, as it did to all other fake-fighting fans who were hitherto living in ignorance, that Shinsuke Nakamura truly was the Second Coming - and like, the finish is fucking incredible, that kick to the head is just the most ruthless thing ever and imo far more wrestling matches should finish in a comparable style (I mean how much more interesting would it make the WWE if every once in a while someone won a match with an out-of-nowhere move that looked totally devastating without necessarily needing to become a signature move deployed in every single fucking match) but man oh man and boy oh boy but does it ever change yr opinion on this kinda shit knowing that Katsuyori Shibata once hit an elbow-drop so hard that it straight up killed a man. Lol sorry that was all 1 sentence, my bad

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x21ui6p_g1-climax-2014-block-a-match-katsuyori-shibata-vs-shinsuke-nakamura_sport

I have thought the same wrt The Great Khali in the past but how brave/stupid do you have to be to get into the ring with a dude knowing full well that once upon a time that dude legit killed a man in a pretend fight?!! I mean srsly, fuck that. At least Lesnar only broke Bob Holly's neck ffs.

I post this only bcuz I like this match and it has been on my mind and I think probably I am going to watch their IWGP Intercontinental Championship match from last Autumn (also available free of charge on Dailymotion) on my lunch break tomorrow and furthermore I hope that at some point in the not-too-distant future they get a good long slot on a major show to really try and knock it out of the park, because though this is thought is only recently and gradually and dawning on me I am pretty sure that this is my favourite kind of prowrestling right now and there ought to be more of this in the world, whatever it is

i have no way of being certain but i am pretty sure that Shinsuke Nakamura is not the kind of guy to proofread anything and since this year he is my unquestioned lord and master i am following his example as best i can, deal w. it

You could tell that Demott was a fucked up dude from his segments on Tough Enough all those years ago. I don't understand why the WWE kept him around for so long. Didn't Jim Cornette get fired for slapping a guy in the face in developmental? Demott has done far worse, no doubt.

Re: Nakamura, it took me a while to really "get" his character and in-ring style, but once it clicks for you, yeah he's just amazing. Whereas most main event level guys follow a set pattern both in North American and Japan (i.e. slow feeling out process to start, middle section with big bumps and highspots, trading finishers leading to the pin) his matches usually break with that formula completely. You do get that feeling that his matches can end at any time -- as if it was a real fight.

Character-wise, he's kind of like the Japanese Randy Orton. Youngest guys to ever win their company's respective championships, the can't miss blue chip prospects, etc. They both floundered for a while and took six or seven years to really nail their characters. But of course Nakamura is 100X better than Orton.

By that I mean they're similar in that they both failed in the "youngest ever champ!" role and took a long time to find themselves while their companies stuck with them. Their actual characters are nothing alike.

I mean how much more interesting would it make the WWE if every once in a while someone won a match with an out-of-nowhere move that looked totally devastating without necessarily needing to become a signature move deployed in every single fucking match

i suppose the brock shooting star press ruined this idea for wwe forever

In the WWE everyone has to get their stuff in before the finish, which helps to telegraph the end of the match because you know Cena isn't winning his match until he hits all his signature moves (usually in a set order). Nakamura can Boma Ye someone's head off at any time (with about five different variations of the move) and totally change the complexion of the match at any time. That kind of unpredictability is almost unheard of in the WWE.

doesn't rollins very sparingly use a crazy spinning top-rope move that isn't strictly his "finisher" that i can't remember the name of?

have we talked about how absurd solomon crowe's finish is?

LOVE Shinsuke Nakamura. His matches never fail to keep you hooked.

I think the general consensus was that Crowe was barely worth talking about in general. That being said, I agree.
A part of me wants to feel bad for him because they really missed the mark with his character. Does anyone really care about Solomon Crowe?

Also in NXT: Alex Riley wrestles again to feud with Kevin Owens. I'm looking forward to the destruction, honestly.

i think he should become some kind of posthuman cranial programmer that brainwashes wrestlers by hacking into their brains

i honestly feel like his character would work better with a "dumb GM" to play off of, but regal is absolutely not that guy. like if you had a dopey GM who meant to do certain things (rowan vs harper!!! again!!!) but then the graphic gets 'fucked up' and all of a sudden it's CROWE VS HARPER and he keeps injecting himself into other people's matches, it creates awesome feud opportunities, and even awesomer opportunities for him to heel out on his rivals (did you see that? that singles match just turned into a gauntlet, poor rowan).

but yeah. doesn't work with regal because he'd just be like "i wrote these down on paper, and you can't teachhack that."

wow, i think i just earned an IWC badge. first fantasy booking in my life!!! *confetti falls*

crowe has definitely been a huge bust so far, but i really liked him on the indies. had a couple killer matches with finlay in EVOLVE a couple years back.

been rewatching and enjoying the NXT specials the last few days, it really is just so, soooooooooo much better than the main shows and sometimes I forget this.
I just got to the Fatal 4 Way show and it has occurred to me during this hair vs hair deal between Enzo Amore and that other dude that no matter how distinctly average and immensely disappointing this whole Roman Reigns main-eventing Mania and gettin the rub from the besting of the Streak and all of that sorta stuff inevitably is, we should nevertheless all be grateful that it is no longer 1994, because in spite of the internet's best attempts to convince you that Roman Reigns is basically Kevin Nash reborn, these shows, when watched in tandem with a bit of mid-90s WWF, effectively demonstrate that this dude they call Big Cass is actually way, way, way more like Diesel than Roman Reigns will ever be, and although the main show may be a steaming pile of turd, on NXT at least the fact that the hulking sidekick of the douchey showoff heel has not been pushed as a big deal at the expense of Zayn, Owens, Balor, Itami and Neville is a good thing and a sign of progress having been made in the last 20 years imo.

I am making my peace with Roman Reigns as the next guy for WWE in so far as I have let my Network subscription expire and if my torrented copy of WMXXXI doesn't deliver the goods then I am gonna retreat into my archive of 90s AJPW and assorted WWC Puerto Rico matches (and maybe a bit of contemp NJPW) and just write of the majority of contemporary pro wrestling as a bad job

you say this two days after enzo and cass pull off a great match, first match i've seen of them where i've felt like enzo could actually end up being more than just a manager-who-can-take-a-bump. they suddenly figured out their in-ring dynamic and it was great, i'd be so happy if they were on the main roster right now.

b stroud got it down perfectly i think

I’ve written about it a bit before, but Cass and Enzo have the perfect tag team dynamic. You think it’s little guy/big guy, but it’s not about that. It’s a little guy who can’t wrestle but has endless confidence teaming with a giant guy who could beat anybody in the company if he had any confidence whatsoever. They’re two halves of a whole, and that’s what a great tag team should be. Also, they called the Lucha Dragons the GEICO Lizards and told them they should save them 15% or more on car insurance or get out of their way.

if you don't like their promos idk what to tell you

Oh man that was in no way intended to run down how enjoyable an act those two have got, I think they're both great fun and personally I hope they don't move up to the main roster for a while yet bcuz they'll only get split up and have an underwhelming match on a Ppv preshow.

It was just a thought that floated through my mildly intoxicated brain having recently watched some 1994 shows that they brought to mind a kind of modern day hbk/diesel vibe and I experienced a moment of satisfaction that the lumbering bodyguard figure no longer gets pushed to the top of the card as a matter of course. Then I thought about roman reigns again and got a bit sad. But I'd been out and was drunk so it is hardly surprising that I made not a whit of sense.

But yeah fear not, I DO enjoy enzo and cass for what they are. Will have to check out that match you mentioned

no way reigns beats lesnar at wrestlemania. i just can't see it.

also there's this rs interview w/ reigns:
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/roman-reigns-wwes-heir-apparent-just-cant-win-20150317?page=2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYvMOf3hsGA

The latest rumours are that Lesnar is signing a new contract and will be keeping the belt. Maybe they're trying to add some intrigue to the match because Lesnar leaving and Reigns getting his big coronation has felt like a foregone conclusion for a while. I'm not sure what to believe right now.

Man if they don't put him over after all of this then he's gonna come out post-WM looking like THE biggest chump going. I mean it's theoretically possible that they could change their minds on him I suppose, in which case this whole thing will go down as a bigger fuck up then Lex Luger in the 90s, but if they really do want him to be the top guy at some point soon then jobbing him out on his supposedly breakout night is a terrible idea, it'll kill him.

Idk, I'm tired of the whole thing now really, part of me just thinks fuck it, get it over with and have Rollins cash in on him the next night on Raw, let Lesnar go back to UFC, the part timers go back to their retirements and then let's see where we are. Probably up shit creek without a paddle, but at least we might actually get to see some pushes for some of the useful midcarders (i.e. everyone in this fuckin IC title ladder match)

the rumors (brock keeps the belt, cena and bryan pick up the mid-title belts to legitimize them) sound like too-good-to-be-true fantasy booking. but that'd be great if it worked out. i'm suddenly rooting for cena?? i love lesnar turning the WHC belt god-tier and basically treating the mid-card belts like the pre-unification championship belts. maybe we'll get a brand split out of this!

tbh, have lesnar and reigns put on an actually-great match where reigns beats the shit out of lesnar, to the point where rollins feels confident enough to cash in -- i think that's enough to save reigns from complete burial -- and then have ambrose interrupt like he promised and restart their feud.

then have sting go over and magically take over smackdown and turn it into WCW Nitro and make himself Commissioner Surfer Sting and WWE is back in my good graces for the first time since i was 11

There shouldn't be any shame in losing to Lesnar. But I hope their master plan isn't to beat Reigns, have Rollins cash in, and have Reigns chase Rollins for the title.

That is, Lesnar beats Reigns, Rollins cashes in on a weak Lesnar to win the title, and Reigns gets his "big" win over Rollins at Summerslam. They're better off biting the bullet and having Reigns win, let him sink or swim, and if they need to get the belt off him, Rollins can cash in later.

rollins with the belt sounds a lot better than reigns with it, but i can't see that happening after this match has been so built up. either brock retains or reigns keeps it for a month or two.

There shouldn't be any shame in losing to Lesnar.

Yeah see it's fine saying that and in theory I agree but history suggests that you can't just pull out of a push like this at the last possible second on such a high profile show and not expect the loser's momentum to stall p. badly (what momentum tho I suppose). keeping the belt on Lesnar appeals to me as a fan because I love mid-00s Brock Lesnar and I think he is basically the king of pro wrestling, long live the king, but from a booking perspective I think it creates more problems then it solves. Who do you have go against him once he's beaten Reigns? Sting would work, I suppose? Bryan needs his title shot at some point. Rocky? Again? I just dunno how they're intending to make anyone look like they could credibly beat him now, and having him lose it on a Rollins MITB cash-in without eating a clean pin at some point would be pointless.

And yeah Seth Rollins is looking like a pretty decent get out of jail free card right now if Reigns does get the belt and doesn't take off like they hope. Ambrose involving himself in the situation would be all good stuff and tbh an ongoing three-way dance between the Shield guys for the title would be a totally acceptable use of a Roman Reigns title push to me at this point. Though that would still leave them with the problem of him being the least popular of the three.

lol not 00s Lesnar obviously, mid 10's (feels strange to me to type that, is that what people say? I'm not sure I've had cause to type or think about it before)

I enjoyed the Max Landis vid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qws2ex--Tc

moment to reflect on how great this theme is and how much i want to hear it on every mixtape

just watched the Max Landis thing, very good fun, would watch more of a similar ilk

Perro Aguayo Jr dies after suffering an injury in a match with Rey Mysterio: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/2404465-el-hijo-del-perro-aguayo-dies-from-injuries-suffered-vs-rey-mysterio?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=programming-national