two months pass...
The arena is a big studio set - The George Lucas Stage in Elstree -
with a revolving platform which the celebrities wrestle on. Kate and
Roddy introduced the show and introduced the teams and coaches, as
follows.
The Crusaders are coached by D-Lo Brown, and include former Army major
James Hewitt (famous for having an affair with the late Princess
Diana), TV presenter Jeff Brazier (I can't name a single programme he
hosted, he's more famous for going out with a former UK Big Brother
contestant), kids TV presenter Mark Speight (he mostly does art
programmes), Page 3 topless model Leilani Dowding, TV presenter Jenny
Powell (she used to do the letters on Wheel Of Fortune in the UK) and
Liberty X singer Michelle Heaton (her biggest hit was "Just A Little",
#1 in 2002).
The Warriors are coached by Joe Legend (Just Joe in WWE), and their
members include former showjumper Oliver Skeet, former Eastenders
actor Marc Bannerman (he played Gianni if you can remember him),
Olympic athlete Iwan Thomas, former UK Big Brother winner Kate Lawler,
former tennis player Annabel Croft and Swedish Playboy model Victoria
Silvstedt.
Just to say at this point that the whole crowd are acting pantomime
style, with loads of children holding obviously planted signs with the
celebrities' nicknames on them. And they're cheering and booing for
whoever they're told to, so for instance, if you were a Liberty X fan
and were told to boo Michelle Heaton, that sucks for you.
The rules are as follows - each bout goes for three rounds, each round
having it's own little Gladiators style gimmick. All three rounds are
contested, and points earned go towards personal totals and team
totals. The first six weeks of the show will build towards the team
title, and the final two weeks in addition decide the Men's and
Women's Championships. And the first bout...
Match 1: "Gentleman Jim" James Hewitt Vs "Rebel Rider" Oliver Skeet
The first round was "Sumo Slam" where you have to force your opponent
off the revolving platform, and the wrestler who does this the most
times in a set time period wins the round. In fact, this was more like
amateur wrestling, with Hewitt and Skeet grappling down on the
platform, and in the end, Hewitt got two forceouts to Skeet's one to
take the first round for the Crusaders. Skeet disputed the final
forceout, claiming he forced Hewitt out first, but referee Ian Freeman
ruled the round in favour of Hewitt.
The second round was "Murderball", where you had to wrestle for
possession of a ball, which you had to put in your opponent's basket
for the win. The controversial moment was at the start where Skeet
went for Hewitt's ribs instead of the ball, ruled legal by Freeman,
and after a few restarts, where the ball kept falling out of the ring,
or the wrestlers fell out, Skeet eventually got the ball and got past
Hewitt for the equalising fall.
The third and final round had the wrestlers holding Gladiators-like
pugil sticks and wearing football helmets, trying to batter each other
off the platform. Skeet thought he got Hewitt off the platform for the
win, but Ian Freeman ruled that he used his body to do so, and you
could only use the stick to score the fall. Hewitt took advantage,
knocking Skeet down and battering him, but time ran out before he
could knock Skeet off. Freeman ruled the fall in favour of Hewitt
based on positive play, control of the ring and sportsmanship, which
didn't go down too well with Skeet.
Winner: James Hewitt, 2-1 - Crusaders 2 Warriors 1
After the match, it was revealed that Oliver Skeet may have injured
his shoulder, and it was up in the air whether he would be able to
continue in the competition.
Match 2: Jenny "The Avenger" Powell Vs "Ice Maiden" Victoria Silvstedt
The first round saw Powell and Silvstedt trying to slam each other
into soccer nets on the other side of the platform, and the wrestler
with the most goals won. However, it was a 0-0 draw as most of the
wrestling was in the middle of the platform, but as Silvstedt got
closer to goal, Ian Freeman ruled in favour of the Ice Maiden.
The second round was "Rip Wrestling", where both girls wore paper
dresses, and the girl who stripped her opponent of their paper dress
first was the winner. Powell got the early advantage by taking
Silvstedt's "dress" off, and kept going, Silvstedt hardly got near.
Jenny then got Victoria's top... and her real top, for the win to
level it up.
Things got weird in the final round, "Chain Reaction" - they brought
out "The Masked Celebrity", a mystery celebrity wrestler who both
wrestlers had to wrestle. This was like a strap match or bullrope
match in pro wrestling, but Jenny, Victoria and the mystery woman were
attached at the waist, and had to light up their turnbuckles, whoever
got the most lit up in the time period would win.
Jenny Powell went first, and got her four lights up quickly, but as
you had to wrestle out the full time period, she had to defend her
lights, which she did by injuring the mystery wrestler, dislocating
her shoulder. Victoria went next, and had a slightly harder time, only
getting her fourth light in the very last second. Both girls were
given a point for that round, and "The Masked Celebrity" was revealed
as former Olympic athlete Fatima Whitbread. As a result, the match was
tied.
Winner: DRAW, 2-2 - Crusaders 4 Warriors 3
Match 3: "Pocket Rocket" Jeff Brazier Vs "El Diablo" Marc Bannerman
Their first round was "Power Lift", where you had to lift your
opponent off their feet to win. Bannerman had a significant weight and
height advantage over the slimline Brazier, but Bannerman couldn't
lift him, and after the bell rang to end the match, Ian Freeman ruled
the win in favour of Jeff for his superior tactics in staying on the
floor.
The second round was a steel cage "Fully Charged" match, where the two
wrestlers would compete in the dark wearing special suits with light
pads on, the winner would completely light his opponent's suit, and
the steel cage was used to make sure there was a winner and to keep
both men near each other. In a closely fought bout, both men's suits
were completely lit up, but Freeman ruled that Bannerman's suit lit up
first, and Brazier was declared the winner, going up 2-0.
The final round was the "Pendulum Of Pain", a bit like the "Sumo Slam"
round earlier, but with a giant pendulum ball swinging at them which
they had to avoid. Jeff took the early advantage, but was caught out
by the ball late on, and Bannerman took advantage, throwing Brazier
off twice to gain a point back for the Warriors.
Winner: Jeff Brazier, 2-1 - Crusaders 6 Warriors 4
James Hewitt (C) - Played 1, 2 points
Jeff Brazier (C) - Played 1, 2 points
Marc Bannerman (W) - Played 1, 1 point
Oliver Skeet (W) - Played 1, 1 point
Iwan Thomas (W) - Played 0, 0 points
Mark Speight (C) - Played 0, 0 points
Jenny Powell (C) - Played 1, 2 points
Victoria Silvstedt (W) - Played 1, 2 points
Annabel Croft (W) - Played 0, 0 points
Kate Lawler (W) - Played 0, 0 points
Leilani Dowding (C) - Played 0, 0 points
Michelle Heaton (C) - Played 0, 0 points
So after all the pantomime and the usual mid-card promos, that's it
for this week, and D-Lo's Crusaders take the early advantage. Joe
Legend must be praising Victoria Silvstedt's performance, keeping the
Warriors in it, but it could all change next week.
There's two Women's bouts next week, as Leilani Dowding faces Annabel
Croft, and Michelle Heaton meets Kate Lawler. And in the men's match,
Mark Speight takes on Iwan Thomas.
In my opinion, there was a bit of grappling, and there may be some
"proper" matches to come later in the series, but if you're a
wrestling purist, this series is not for you. However, if you're just
getting into watching wrestling, and enjoy the spectacle and
entertainment that comes with the entrances, the costumes and all that
other stuff, this is good Saturday night fun for the whole family. You
can play some of the games featured in the show at
www.celebritywrestling.tv, where you can pick a celebrity and mash
those arrow keys - SmackDown Vs RAW it ain't. And sorry, I don't do
any tapes of this show, but some UK tape traders may make it available
at the end of the series if you ask them nicely enough.
― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Sunday, 24 April 2005 21:46 (twenty years ago)