THE PROFESSIONAL GAMES BLOGGER IS LOWER THAN THE EUKARYOTE

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Florian Eckhardt @ Kotaku vs. Vladimir Cole @ Joystiq in the great battle of who is the most painful idiot to read on the internet. Jesus Christ can't they give me more work to do at this job? Can't my queries go any faster, so I don't have the downtime to read this insufferable bullshit

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:12 (nineteen years ago)

So pissed off that I just wasted a minute of my life reading Florian write about how Will Wright is so boring he has to look at titties to keep from falling asleep at the GDC I forgot the question mark! Here it is!

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:13 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.kotaku.com/search/florian+eckhardt/bydate/

http://joystiq.com/bloggers/vladimir-cole/

URK.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:21 (nineteen years ago)

yea i saw thatsdfbjksdfkbjadsfbjkfaeshul83r28mr xpost

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:21 (nineteen years ago)

I clicked on that joystiq link, shouted "THE DEPENDENT VARIABLE GOES ON THE X-AXIS YOU STUPID DOUCHE", and promptly closed the window. fuck that guy.

― bernard snow (sixteen sergeants), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

ARGGGHHHHHH HOLY SHIT I JUST READ JOYSITQW?WERFWEFR

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:26 (nineteen years ago)

argh I got so angry I even mistyped! meant INdependent on the x-axis, obv

― bernard snow (sixteen sergeants), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:27 (nineteen years ago)

yeah apparently semi-pro games journalism is really high on the make-you-so-mad-you-can't-type scale. I mean it'd be okay, laughable maybe, if these were just morons from hell like the rest of the internet, but these are morons from hell who get xbox360s and pre-release copies of games for FREE.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Thursday, 19 October 2006 18:37 (nineteen years ago)

hey, where;s that guy on here who reviews games for the onion? what're his comments?

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Thursday, 19 October 2006 19:19 (nineteen years ago)

Hmm, I like Joystiq, for the most part.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Thursday, 19 October 2006 19:27 (nineteen years ago)

Gaming's top 50 journalists

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 19 October 2006 21:57 (nineteen years ago)

yeah what's wrong with joystiq?

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 19 October 2006 21:59 (nineteen years ago)

i'm not flipping thru all those. Do they at least have Jeremy Parish on there?

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Thursday, 19 October 2006 22:02 (nineteen years ago)

"I've never owned a system other than Nintendo and never will," proclaimed one mohawked, unemployed art school graduate.

― nate p. (natepatrin), Friday, 20 October 2006 00:32 (nineteen years ago)

it's all mostly okay until a florian or vladimir post. or a couple others that aren't consistently horrible enough for me to know their names.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Monday, 23 October 2006 16:58 (nineteen years ago)

I'm not a fan of either of these blogs - all of the Gawker Media blogs follow a house style, which bugs the crap out of me.

Anyone read Alice Taylor's wonderlandblog.com? That's always a good time, and as a BBC employee she gives some interesting insights into "this TV show is also a game is also a car commercial" convergence case studies.

― save the robot (save the robot), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 19:27 (nineteen years ago)

Where's our boi M@tt H3lges0n?

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Tuesday, 24 October 2006 22:43 (nineteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

ARGH FUCK U VLADIMIR COLE

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/11/10/wii-en-la-casa-de-joystiq/

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Friday, 10 November 2006 21:13 (nineteen years ago)

A Wii touched town in Center City, Philadelphia earlier this morning.

Really? "touched town"? That's the phrase you want to use there?

― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Friday, 10 November 2006 21:22 (nineteen years ago)

OMG A DUDE MADE A TYPO.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:43 (nineteen years ago)

that reminds me, from now on when you misspeak it's called a "talko"

― s1ocki (slutsky), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:44 (nineteen years ago)

Is his roommate Patrick Bateman?

― nate p. (natepatrin), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:52 (nineteen years ago)

seriously he's updated it 7 times now and all I know about the new nintendo is, uh, it doesn't work so well if you try to hook it up to a big expensive HD wall projector instead of a fucking teevee, and, uh, Vladimir Cole's roommate is a douchebag who fights with his girlfriend over how stupid and gay he thinks Wii Tennis is.

Then you go over to Kotaku and Brian Crescente is actually playing a decent amount of show-and-tell and it's like how crap do you have to be to work for weblogs inc? seriously damn

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:53 (nineteen years ago)

nate p wins

"it feels like I'm holding my own dick! Can I short Nintendo's stock?!"

I DON'T KNOW, BUSINESS DEGREE HOLDER IN BAD SUIT, CAN YOU?

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:54 (nineteen years ago)

It's actually like Patrick Bateman and Rain Man had a baby.

― The Android Cat (Dan Perry), Friday, 10 November 2006 22:59 (nineteen years ago)

With a pinch of Butt-head.

― nate p. (natepatrin), Friday, 10 November 2006 23:14 (nineteen years ago)

haha:

Update 14: The folks over at GayGamer.net have picked up on the improper use of "gay" and "faggy" in the quotes above. We've linked to their post because it's good to raise awareness of the fact that neither term is acceptable as a replacement for "crappy" or "lame," despite the ubiquity of such usage within the group of core gamers. While we wish such language would never be used, it's not our place to cleanse quotes. This is how (too) many in America speak. The New York Times has published the word "faggot" in 133 articles, has used the n-word in 935 articles, and has even used the less common "faggy" in five articles. It's not just the NYT: many other reputable publications also publish these hateful words when they're quoting someone in an article. Writers don't take glee in repeating these things, but most of us do take pride in being careful with our handling of quotes.

― Marmot (marmotwolof), Sunday, 12 November 2006 00:11 (nineteen years ago)

Whiny faggy gays.

― Darramouss - The endlessly self-justifying joke (Darramouss ftw), Sunday, 12 November 2006 02:46 (nineteen years ago)

darramouss for the ban

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Sunday, 12 November 2006 20:05 (nineteen years ago)

Please tell me you saw the irony in my last post? I mean ffs?

― Darramouss :D (Darramouss ftw), Sunday, 12 November 2006 22:41 (nineteen years ago)

IRONY ON THE INTERNET DOESN'T WORK

― Marmot (marmotwolof), Sunday, 12 November 2006 23:12 (nineteen years ago)

yeah but as before you seem to think that's enough to get by on.
it also has to be worthy of at least a grin or a chuckle.
that and the post that got you on the mod req board are both pretty lazy.
I don't personally actually want to see you get banned, I'm just saying, you've got to work a lot harder.
xpost

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Sunday, 12 November 2006 23:13 (nineteen years ago)

lawlz

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Monday, 13 November 2006 02:23 (nineteen years ago)

countdown for the ban BEGINS NOW

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Monday, 13 November 2006 03:12 (nineteen years ago)

Oh fuck off.

― Darramouss :D (Darramouss ftw), Monday, 13 November 2006 05:52 (nineteen years ago)

anybody know how i can set this up to lock both Darra & Gzeus into their own thread, Negative Zone-style?

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Monday, 13 November 2006 06:28 (nineteen years ago)

This flamewar is interrupting a crucial thread about video game blogging and I will not stand for it.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Monday, 13 November 2006 07:29 (nineteen years ago)

i decided that i basically hate anyone who gets paid to write stuff, unless i am already friends with them.

also, HOLD UP (nate dogg voice) - they pay dudes to blog? the fuck? i just wasnt made for these times

― get yr coat luv uve jes bin pulld (Adrian Langston), Monday, 13 November 2006 07:53 (nineteen years ago)

what are the good game blogz btw? who should i be reading dudes.

― get yr coat luv uve jes bin pulld (Adrian Langston), Monday, 13 November 2006 08:00 (nineteen years ago)

http://oghc.blogspot.com/

― Marmot (marmotwolof), Monday, 13 November 2006 16:09 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.kotaku.com/
http://games.slashdot.org/
http://www.joystiq.com/
http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/
http://www.4colorrebellion.com/
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/games/

+ penny arcade.

that's my usual range of fuckaround sites, when there's no good science, no football moves, and no work to do.

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Monday, 13 November 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

anybody know how i can set this up to lock both Darra & Gzeus into their own thread, Negative Zone-style?

Go to the admin page, put in the login name, then select "ask question locked" from the Permissions menu. Then manually lock them out of every thread ("Show All Details," then scroll to bottom) except your designated NEGATIVE ZONE.

― c('°c) (Leee), Monday, 13 November 2006 18:14 (nineteen years ago)

darra got hiself IP banned by the ubermods anyway

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Monday, 13 November 2006 18:32 (nineteen years ago)

shucks. i wanted a Negative Zone.

NEGATIVE ZONE!

― kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Monday, 13 November 2006 18:43 (nineteen years ago)

O Rly?

― Darramouss (Denton Price), Monday, 13 November 2006 23:56 (nineteen years ago)

Joystiq has finally turned into pretty much the worst adblog I've ever seen. I can barely fucking read the headlines anymore.

― DOCTOR METH KING (TOMBOT), Saturday, 18 November 2006 16:39 (nineteen years ago)

ps, dude, maybe you meant prokaryotes?

― gbx (skowly), Monday, 20 November 2006 15:50 (nineteen years ago)

Oh no actually you know what I think I meant "seafloor monomers"

― DOCTOR METH KING (TOMBOT), Monday, 20 November 2006 16:07 (nineteen years ago)

oh, ok, as long as we're clear on this

― gbx (skowly), Monday, 20 November 2006 16:15 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

Wired's game blog now hiring for east coast positions!
Which of my threads should I send in as portfolio?

http://blog.wired.com/games/2007/01/hey_you_write_f.html

― TOMB07 (TOMBOT), Thursday, 4 January 2007 19:43 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 269 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

that guy's cool, and right, and cool

― turds (Hungry4Ass), Saturday, 6 April 2013 07:09 (twelve years ago)

man even if you think he's right, which he is not, it takes a laser focus of trolling to pretend that some punk bitch internet beard gun nut libertarian is cool.

― adam, Saturday, 6 April 2013 14:28 (twelve years ago)

I deleted my kotaku bookmark today. felt good. mostly did it because their new format makes my eyes bleed.

― panettone for the painfully alone (mayor jingleberries), Monday, 8 April 2013 16:42 (twelve years ago)

i deleted my kotaku bookmark today oh boy

― zero dark (s1ocki), Monday, 8 April 2013 16:43 (twelve years ago)

RIP mayor jingleberries' kotaku bookmark

― cozen, Monday, 8 April 2013 18:02 (twelve years ago)

10,000 moe in otaku blogosphere

― abanana, Monday, 8 April 2013 18:26 (twelve years ago)

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/jimquisition/7121-Dark-Souls-and-Dark-Sales
someone might want to explain how shareholders and market projections work to this guy

― H-E-double-s1ockisticks (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 17 April 2013 13:30 (twelve years ago)

shit like this, skewed with (i guess) pach attack, suggests how little joe gamer seems to care about the fact that AAA gaming is primarily about business in the same way that AAA cinema is about business.

― H-E-double-s1ockisticks (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 17 April 2013 13:32 (twelve years ago)

tomb raider is considered a sales disappointment? huh

― goole, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 13:45 (twelve years ago)

i think they were hoping for a little too much for 6 million units? (if my number is correct, I believe they sold a mere 3 million instead)

― Nhex, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 13:48 (twelve years ago)

Jesus Christ almighty what this shit is up with this picture Jim?

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130405222513/podtoid/images/thumb/d/d5/Jimquisition_Banner.jpg/640px-Jimquisition_Banner.jpg

― bizarro gazzara, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:05 (twelve years ago)

Seriously hoping that's a padded glove.

― bizarro gazzara, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:05 (twelve years ago)

What's your problem with giant hands?

― Nhex, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:16 (twelve years ago)

Traumatic memories of prostate exam from sausage-fingered doctor ;_;

― bizarro gazzara, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:21 (twelve years ago)

Concerned Jim's ability to dial telephones will be hampered ;_;

― bizarro gazzara, Wednesday, 17 April 2013 14:24 (twelve years ago)

I want to discover and then use Harley Quinn’s Joker portrait, Bane’s poison, not-Hawkeye’s arrows, Green Lantern’s constructs, Aquaman turning slippery, Wonder Woman’s lasso, and Robin’s fighting sticks. They all make more sense to me than a chick in a blue kimono who happens to have the world’s most powerful thighs.

that last bit kinda pushed me over the edge in dismissing Quarter to Three, good job Tom Chick once again at constantly reminding me that you're kind of an idiot

― Nhex, Sunday, 21 April 2013 21:13 (twelve years ago)

five months pass...

wow MTV Multiplayer closed

― Mordy , Saturday, 28 September 2013 03:43 (twelve years ago)

that seems... sudden?

― Nhex, Saturday, 28 September 2013 04:49 (twelve years ago)

MTV closed a bunch of stuff like MSN did earlier this month. It's a shame.

― EZ Snappin, Saturday, 28 September 2013 18:09 (twelve years ago)

two months pass...

http://penny-arcade.com/report/article/it-was-a-great-two-years-but-now-its-time-to-say-goodbye

Disappointed honestly; hope Kuchera moves on quickly to another site. Wonder what happened here.

― Nhex, Saturday, 7 December 2013 20:16 (twelve years ago)

dude seemed to have some integrity, actually glad to see him leave these dudes

― socki (s1ocki), Sunday, 8 December 2013 01:22 (twelve years ago)

three weeks pass...

No surprise, he's @ Polygon now:
http://www.polygon.com/forums/meta/2014/1/2/5266504/ben-kuchera-joining-polygon-as-senior-editor-opinion

― Nhex, Thursday, 2 January 2014 20:58 (twelve years ago)

five months pass...

http://leighalexander.net/the-unearthing/

i... am not sure what i think about this.

― Look at this joke I've recognised, do you recognise it as well? (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 3 June 2014 04:49 (eleven years ago)

ok, i'll bite: what's the idea?

― Nhex, Tuesday, 3 June 2014 06:41 (eleven years ago)

“I need a fucking real job,” I type to Ian, but he’s offline already.

I need a fucking real job, I hear myself whisper to myself.

“I need a real job,” I tell her for want of something to say, and I laugh.

Basically this entire thing is a cry for help get this guy a service industry job or something where he doesn't sit around all day snarkily telling people he wishes he 'had a real job'.

― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Tuesday, 3 June 2014 13:06 (eleven years ago)

Correction, sitting around all day IMAGINING that you are snarkily telling people you wish you 'had a real job'.

― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Tuesday, 3 June 2014 13:09 (eleven years ago)

She's actually an editor herself, so... Has there been a rash of self-pitying, hoary self-actualization writer cliche stories that have been popping up in the game journalist circles lately? Is this a self mockery or passive-aggressive lashing out at fellow colleagues?

― Nhex, Tuesday, 3 June 2014 13:31 (eleven years ago)

This isn't blogs so much as youtube videos about videogames, but there is something maddening to me about the convention of saying "What's up guys" in the same exact tone of voice (like a TV announcer) at the beginning of every single such video ever made.

― Dan I., Wednesday, 4 June 2014 22:46 (eleven years ago)

I should make a "what's up guys" supercut

― Dan I., Wednesday, 4 June 2014 22:48 (eleven years ago)

ugh so true. also: you can read more about this game "after the jump".

― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Wednesday, 4 June 2014 23:03 (eleven years ago)

I hate that. And the vids of American guys playing GTA together where they've all appropriated Seth MacFarlane's smug jock-of-the-nerds tone and lamely approximate his sense of humour.

― it definitely wasn't designed to be a pants pocket player (stevie), Thursday, 5 June 2014 08:04 (eleven years ago)

for the full effect of this you need to know some irl guys with autism spectrum conditions who endlessly recite chunks of the vids verbatim, accents and all

― arid banter (Noodle Vague), Thursday, 5 June 2014 09:52 (eleven years ago)

"smug jock-of-the-nerds tone" sums up nearly every video game podcast I've ever tried listening to

― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 5 June 2014 10:15 (eleven years ago)

0_0, nv.

the only gamer vids i can stand to watch are these gta5 online vids by a bunch of teenage london toerags who mainly just do races and viciously rag on each other and i find them endlessly watchable, not least because they remind me of warmly wasted nights with housemates playing video games years ago, before domesticity and babbyhood gladly intervened.

― it definitely wasn't designed to be a pants pocket player (stevie), Thursday, 5 June 2014 11:02 (eleven years ago)

WHAT'S UP GUYS

― goole, Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:47 (eleven years ago)

“Are you doing the, uhm,” he types, “the thing, the Atari thing.”
I go, “ya”.

― am0n, Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:48 (eleven years ago)

So I guess nobody here knows what the point of that was, huh

― Nhex, Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:51 (eleven years ago)

“Why would someone write out a transcript of an online chat,” I type, "as if it were a spoken conversation in a novel."

― am0n, Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:53 (eleven years ago)

I get the attitude. But why bother? Are people actually doing this?

― Nhex, Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:55 (eleven years ago)

i think there's a market for game-centric fiction that isn't fandom but i dunno what the hell it would look like
some kind of hardbitten joystiq noir thing that flirts with the ol' lester bangs of video games trope but also throws in some hammett?
guess this is a shot in that direction

― Look at this joke I've recognised, do you recognise it as well? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:57 (eleven years ago)

Thinkpieces on thinkpieces. It's the literary equivalent of watching a Let's Play instead of playing a game.

― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 5 June 2014 16:57 (eleven years ago)

truthbomb there

― Look at this joke I've recognised, do you recognise it as well? (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 5 June 2014 17:01 (eleven years ago)

two months pass...

i can't even
http://www.polygon.com/2014/8/14/6000267/ferguson-police-cameras-watch-dogs

― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 14 August 2014 16:13 (eleven years ago)

on second thoughts don't click that :(

― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 14 August 2014 16:13 (eleven years ago)

headline is "What Watch Dogs can teach us about the situation in Ferguson"
that's all you need to know

― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 14 August 2014 16:14 (eleven years ago)

They already changed the headline

― Nhex, Thursday, 14 August 2014 16:22 (eleven years ago)

so good that it needed 2 authors

― am0n, Thursday, 14 August 2014 19:30 (eleven years ago)

eleven years pass...

read this then try to guess where the second paragraph goes

Last year marked the 80th anniversary of the atomic bombings on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It doesn’t sound right. Something so barbaric feels like it should have happened centuries ago, and yet, it’s still recent enough that tens of thousands of survivors still live among us today. Known as “Hibakusha,” these individuals still carry with them the physical and mental scars of an unfathomable tragedy. They are both reminders of the evil mankind is capable of and living proof that, against all odds, good people can still hope to push on in the face of it.

In his own world, Leon S. Kennedy is a survivor too. One of the two heroes at the center of Resident Evil Requiem, the latest chapter of Capcom’s long-running survival horror saga, Kennedy has lived through hell.

― natural bumppo (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 26 February 2026 16:06 (three weeks ago)

full piece here, although it cannot hope to live up to that lede

― natural bumppo (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 26 February 2026 16:08 (three weeks ago)

haaaaaaaaaa =(

― Nhex, Friday, 27 February 2026 14:05 (three weeks ago)

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