"TO is the devil!": this is the jackassed-nonsense-that-JOE-THEISMANN-says-during-MONDAYNITEFOOTBALL thread!

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holy shite, bill parcells buried his brother today. poor guy.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 02:24 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, that's awful. I guess Parcells is in a place where he couldn't take the night off, but I think I'd have no choice. I'd be a wreck.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 03:03 (twenty years ago)

You'd think that they'd stop talking about T.O. for five seconds, but you'd be wrong.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:48 (twenty years ago)

use the "one" construction, dude.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:50 (twenty years ago)

or maybe first-person singular.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:51 (twenty years ago)

stence has no love for bright lights, big city :(

― j blount (papa la bas), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 05:37 (twenty years ago)

the Jimmy Reed song? It rules! for shame, Stence.

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 06:13 (twenty years ago)

Manning looks like he's in a RAP VIDEO!

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

I just logged on to get to this thread to post that!

And the "more jump-cuts than a Scorsese flick..." THERE'S A REASON WHY DENNIS MILLER DIDN'T WORK OUT, AL. CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE BANISHED TO BASIC CABLE NEXT YEAR, BYE!

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 05:14 (nineteen years ago)

The rap video thing was...brilliant, for lack of the correct word to describe it.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 18:31 (nineteen years ago)

I still don't get how Peyton looked like he was in a rap video. Were his shoes lacking laces?

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:07 (nineteen years ago)

It was his Kangol hat.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:10 (nineteen years ago)

And his Brick City swagger.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:10 (nineteen years ago)

"Today, we have secretly replaced the viewers' regular Peyton Manning with Lil' Jon. Let's see what happens."

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 21:26 (nineteen years ago)

OMAHA OMAHA WHAT!!! WHAT!!! WHAT!!!! HUT HUT OKAAAAYYYYY

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 29 November 2005 21:57 (nineteen years ago)

OK FUCK AL MICHAELS, IT'S ALL ABOUT MADDEN GOING OFF ON SPILLING MUSTARD ON HIS TIE.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:07 (nineteen years ago)

That's the most absurd thing I've seen on MNF all year long.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:07 (nineteen years ago)

falcons is

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:31 (nineteen years ago)

I forgot how much I missed the black unis. they really need to get rid of them white galactic superfag shits :'(

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 06:49 (nineteen years ago)

'one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi....'

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 07:10 (nineteen years ago)

I MISSED LAST NITE'S GAME PEOPLE, PLEASE EXPLAIN THE MUSTARD.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 16:23 (nineteen years ago)

madden said "y'know what colors make green?" and al was like "i dunno. wait, like yellow and blue?" and madden was all like "naw, it's yellow and red!" and michaels was like "no shit?" and madden was like "yeah, i spilled yellow mustard on this here red tie, and it came out green!" and michaels was like "whoa."

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

that's a paraphrase, obv.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

hahahahaha brilliant.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 21:26 (nineteen years ago)

It's going to be a great Super Bowl.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 21:56 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

"The moves leave Al Michaels free to switch to NBC..."

Dammit. I thought that I was rid of that guy for once and for all.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 20:40 (nineteen years ago)

i don't think theismann + kornheiser is going to make you any happier

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:29 (nineteen years ago)

I know, but I wasn't really going to be able to watch the new MNF anyway without cable. However, I was under the impression that my Sunday nights were going to be Michaels-free, but that might not neccessarily be the case anymore.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:46 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser's been coveting that job for years, but I think he'll be sub-Dennis-Miller. I guess I'll check out his radio show tomorrow morning to see if he has anything interesting to say about the situation.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:51 (nineteen years ago)

!! i like kornheiser, but i dunno if i can stomach him doing gamez. theismann is such a snooze.

― Milhouse is not a meme. But 'Milhouse is not a meme' IS a meme. (Adrian Langston, Wednesday, 8 February 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

supposedly kornheiser blew them away when they were looking for people (and eventually found miller) a few years back but they thought he didn't have a big enough profile. my understanding is he totally phones in his radio show but dude can think on his feet (miller's main problem) so it could work. odd michaels backed out of mnf, he'd said pretty definitively he was staying with it a lil while back.

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 9 February 2006 00:10 (nineteen years ago)

I'll be interested to see how Kornheiser makes out, he and Wilbon can be pretty entertaining on PTI (also why don't more WaPo section staff get their own TV shows?) but I would rather have Wilbon solo than Kornheiser TBH.

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:29 (nineteen years ago)

I'm willing to bet that he'll be flying to games by midseason. He's having to drop the radio show, and after a couple of months in the bus, he'll just say "fuck this, give me four vodkas and point me at the plane."

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:52 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser is scared to fly too??

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:44 (nineteen years ago)

but I would rather have Wilbon solo than Kornheiser TBH.

otm

― Milhouse is not a meme. But 'Milhouse is not a meme' IS a meme. (Adrian Langston, Thursday, 9 February 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

Yep. (xpost)

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:26 (nineteen years ago)

And it's official. Michaels traded to NBC for a cartoon rabbit. At least with Rush, you would've known that the unfunny liberal comment was on its way.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:29 (nineteen years ago)

so much cartoon controversy these days.

― hstencil (hstencil), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:33 (nineteen years ago)

seven months pass...

JOHN MADDEN IS A 'NEW YORK PIZZA KIND OF GUY' WTF?!?!????!?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:19 (nineteen years ago)

I figured he stuffed his face with every bit of bread he sees. But he's not a fan of the deep dish?!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:22 (nineteen years ago)

When Michaels was making sure that everybody knew Branch was an ex-Patriot and not an expatriate, who the fuck was he talking to?

― The Bearnaise-Stain Bears (Rock Hardy), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:26 (nineteen years ago)

freepers.

dude just said this was grossman's "debutante ball." more sports dude outing on national tv a la ozzie guillen?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:30 (nineteen years ago)

OF COURSE MIchaels prefers that Chicago bullshit. What a douche. oh well, at least we haven't had to listen to the creep talk about Maria Bartiromo in like 4 years...

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:48 (nineteen years ago)

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH -- "LIVE" FROM THE NBC STUDIO:

THIS IS A SEGMENT THAT BRINGS A LOT TO THE TABLE MY FRIENDS

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:00 (nineteen years ago)

wtf dude do you not like chicago pizza? why do you live there again?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:19 (nineteen years ago)

also what was dude with "madden 4 prime minister" sign thinking?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:19 (nineteen years ago)

Well, he obviously is dissatisfied with our current system of government.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:26 (nineteen years ago)

dude Chicago pizza sucks!

um, I live here for the great steaks and great barbeque ... but certainly not for that doughy monstrosity that is tried to pass of as pizza!! that stuff is a disgusting doughy nightmare. get that shit the fuck away from me.

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:48 (nineteen years ago)

wtf you're insane stormy! gino's, giordano's, art of pizza, rule FOREVER.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:51 (nineteen years ago)

I personally like the combination of bread, cheese, tomatoes, and spices no matter how deep or thin it might be.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:01 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 189 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

wtf happened at the end of the game???

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:02 (nineteen years ago)

How long until we see a Brayton knee to the groin animated gif? Fucking weird.

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:08 (nineteen years ago)

The guy he kneed just laughed at him. HARDCORE.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:12 (nineteen years ago)

someone summarize, i only watched for like 15 mins. also was that WILBON in the booth? was he doing the whole game?? that's actually not a bad idea.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:19 (nineteen years ago)

Wilbon just kinda showed up at the end of the game, as far as I can tell. I didn't really watch the game until like the last quarter and even with that I missed the knee groining cos I was writing my book. Fuck a Oakland-Seattle game, I watched Drunken Master instead.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:57 (nineteen years ago)

No Wilbon just came to pay a visit at the end there. What he was really doing in fucking Seattle I can't imagine.

Yeah RH I thought that was great, like UGH I'M GOING TO KNEE YOU and dude was like "HAVE YOU NOTICED, WE ARE WEARING PADDED ARMOR ALL OVER OUR BODIES?" Brayton = bag of hammers

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

xpost

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

I watched part of this grotesque game last night and I've come to the conclusion that Thiesmann may be functionally retarded. Several comments set my teeth on edge: 1)Theismann says the sacks are Walther fault, but Robert Gallery is getting blown-up nearly every other play. Walther didn't even have time to finish his drops. 2)Theismann comments on Walther's Bledsoe-like lack of mobility, then says ten minutes later that Oakland should do more roll-outs and bootleg plays. WTF, if your quarterback trips over his feet aren't roll-outs and bootlegs going to get him killed by the pursuit. Finally, Joey said taking Romo out the previous game was the right move, but he went ballistic during the game. At least Kornheiser called Theismann on it. Only thing Joey didn't do was make the crazy "rain makes the ball easier to grip" comment.

LOL at Art Shell. Has he died and been replaced by a zombie. He never changes expression. Lastly, the Oakland offense is the worst I’ve ever seen and that includes high school, college, and pro.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 16:58 (nineteen years ago)

I blame Randy Moss.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:00 (nineteen years ago)

I loved how they all held fast to the idea that the problem with the Raiders' offense was not throwing the ball to Randy Moss enough, despite repeated, blatant, in-front-of-their-eyes evidence that Randy Moss has lost all abilities to catch a ball. I mean, there were plays where he dropped a pass while they were talking about how the problem is not throwing to Randy Moss. QUE???

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:07 (nineteen years ago)

Randy looked hilariously sad last night.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:08 (nineteen years ago)

I felt really bad for the Raiders' defense.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

They are actually pretty damned good, what a waste.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:37 (nineteen years ago)

As per the knee to the nuts incident, I'll bet money there are people on his own team who would love to kick Jeramey Stevens in the ball-sack.

Robert Gallery looks like one of the all-time busts and Moss has quit trying. Someone from the defense should give those two a serious beat down.

I'm a card carrying Raiders Hater and even I feel bad for them.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Wednesday, 8 November 2006 00:35 (nineteen years ago)

ten months pass...

wtf i don't remember this thread title being changed.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 September 2007 02:09 (eighteen years ago)

god I hate these assholes.

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 02:23 (eighteen years ago)

hey guys look we have a graphic showing how many johnsons are on the bengals let's put that up there. do any of you know how to use this light pen? I want to draw another circle around a guy named johnson. Oh there's the quarterback! I'ma draw a circle around him TOO!!! LOL I GET PAID SO MUCH FOR THIS

Michelle Tafoya was actually pissing me off the most though what with reciting last weeks' SI blurbs about carson palmer's summer reading from the sideline. I wanted to set off a kilo of gelignite under her jaw.

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 03:27 (eighteen years ago)

i hope ocho cinco's next celebration is to stick a fukkin shiv in kornheiser

on the bright side jaws is AMAAAAZNIG A+++ WBFA

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:20 (eighteen years ago)

my favorite part was the 5 minute conversation about kanye west v adam west

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:21 (eighteen years ago)

i heard one of the ~*lady broadcasters*~, tafoya or kramer or i don't know who, in the booth with mike mayock on one of the preseason games nfln played - i was surprised/disappointed by how inept she sounded. it'd be cool if a gurl got one of those gigs and totally handled her biznazz instead of just being a sideline lawn gnome

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:22 (eighteen years ago)

Speaking of which, I thought Bonnie Bernstein looked more like Cuddy on House?

― Leee, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:38 (eighteen years ago)

it'd be cool if a gurl got one of those gigs and totally handled her biznazz instead of just being a sideline lawn gnome

Pam Oliver Pam Oliver Pam Oliver

or, Allyzay, do you still hate your job?

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:46 (eighteen years ago)

if allyzay became an actual nfl sideline reporter she would have to stop posting as "the schef"

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

conflict of interest etc

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

YES how do i get one of these jobs i mean first of all i'm cuter than either of those girls from last night second of all i wouldn't wax poetic for 83 minutes about some bullshit carson palmer read in the oprah's book club over the summer third of all i would ask ppl the hard questions such as "eli, WHY did you want to play for the giants so badly? i mean...san diego is a lot nicer than jersey. what's your deal, bro?"

xpost i hardly see why i'd have to do that, who would even know

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

also i would never ever ever wear any of the hideous awful "i got this at kohl's on sale" outfits that bonnie bernstein insists on wearing. the parade of hats!

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:51 (eighteen years ago)

i hate her almost as much as i hate jillian barbieri

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:51 (eighteen years ago)

yeah, if Adam Schefter hasn't served you with a cease and desist yet, I think you're in the clear!

xpost ugh barberie

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:52 (eighteen years ago)

he HAS to know about the site by now.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:53 (eighteen years ago)

my luv for Berstein is well known. she used to be a gymnast.

― brownie, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 18:48 (eighteen years ago)

You are not cuter than Suzy Colbert. Sorry.
And I'd love to see Suzy up in the booth.

― forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:22 (eighteen years ago)

http://images.usatoday.com/sports/nfl/_photos/2003-12-23-namath-inside.jpg
"Forks Clove Tofu" talks to a girl

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:38 (eighteen years ago)

the best thing about gising "suzy kolber" is that the first results are all actually attractive, half-naked co-eds who have for some reason become associated with suzy kolber by google.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:53 (eighteen years ago)

i mean i wish this was suzy kolber amirite
http://www.jimmydreamz.com/interviews/images/dh-2.jpg

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:54 (eighteen years ago)

ugh that whore

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:03 (eighteen years ago)

i don't think you should be calling suzy kolber a whore

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:03 (eighteen years ago)

no I just went to look up this diane hill person because usually the girls in maxim do something other than just stick their boobs out for maxim and she's this terrible ESPN talking ~~head~~breasts ner ner ner

who's that woman who subs in for NFLN's Around The League in the offseason? She's a bimbo too.

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:07 (eighteen years ago)

the blonde with coulterface? she is so boring

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:11 (eighteen years ago)

oh god that lady

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:32 (eighteen years ago)

she doesn't talk right.

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:34 (eighteen years ago)

i remember one time it was just her and dukes and he was being all gregarious and engaging and shit and whenever he asked her something she was just like "ha ha... yeah..." ::stoneface::

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:35 (eighteen years ago)

that said pretty much everyone who isnt eisen or dukes is pretty awful. i don't know what i think of that greek dude who looks like he just hit puberty. the nerdy black guy sucks but he's better than the less nerdy black guy.

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:36 (eighteen years ago)

omg Ade, Jamie Dukes has a new show!!!

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

WAHT

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

IS IT A WHOLE HOUR OF PUT UP YOUR DUKES

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

oh, I meant Put up Your Dukes. Was that around last season?

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:38 (eighteen years ago)

yeah but I think it was just a segment on total access

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:39 (eighteen years ago)

now it's a full half-hour show:

http://www.nfl.com/nflnetwork/showscontent?page=/nflnetwork/programs/putupyourdukes&subjectType=putupyourdukes

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:41 (eighteen years ago)

oh man 6:30pm EST I'm at work then dammit

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:42 (eighteen years ago)

i hope ocho cinco's next celebration is to stick a fukkin shiv in kornheiser

on the bright side jaws is AMAAAAZNIG A+++ WBFA

― David R., Tuesday, 11 September 2007 22:30 (eighteen years ago)

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