Cap'n Save-An-NFL-Board

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

U.S. Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE), displays a dainty, effeminate shower-sponge thingy for congressional review.
According to Washington insiders, the chief focus of the formal inquest concerned the popular athlete's rumored use of Zest-brand body-wash liquid soap, a product perceived by many lawmakers on Capitol Hill as "just for the ladies."

"There is a feeling among many in Washington that this girlish and fanciful liquid soap may be an unacceptably feminine cleansing agent for a man of Mr. Heyward's supposed tough-guy stature," said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS), in a statement to the press shortly before the start of hearings. "Given Ironhead's obviously intimidating physical presence, and the possibility that he may resent his masculinity being called into question publicly, I'm sure we all can appreciate how potentially volatile these hearings may be."

Fellow committee member Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-MD) agreed. "Certainly, there are dangers involved in such hearings," he said. "Nonetheless, we will pull no punches. If Ironhead is, in fact, a liquid-soap user and proponent, it is our duty to determine whether or not his manliness has been irrevocably compromised."

Despite the gravity of the charges levied against him, Heyward maintained his composure throughout the hearing. "I'm used to a challenge," he told the assembled legislators, boldly challenging them to reevaluate their biased perceptions of Zest body-wash liquid-soap products.

"I challenge you!" Heyward said.

Though Heyward's testimony was frequently interrupted by audible laughter from the back of the senate chambers, he was steadfast in his pro-liquid-soap stance. "I hear you snickering!" the visibly agitated Heyward said. "Listen, chump: Zest body wash doesn't contain heavy moisturizers!"

The hearing reached its most heated moment when investigatory subcommittee chairperson Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE) held up what some in Washington are describing as "the smoking gun": an undeniably frilly shower-sponge device used for liquid-soap application.

Adopting a humorously exaggerated "girly-man" persona and affecting a mocking, high-pitched tone of voice, Hagel dangled the lacy, doily-like sponge from its string and said, "Hey, Ironhead? What's with this thingy?"

Angered, Heyward responded that the proper term for the object the senator had referred to as a "thingy" is, in fact, a "lather-builder," and went on to state that the device is the best possible utensil for any serious athlete's heavy-duty post-workout bathing needs.

"Mr. Senator, I will have you know, in no uncertain terms, that the lather-builder you are holding generates up to 70 percent more suds than regular bar soap!" Heyward said. "That means you get cleaner... period!"

Heyward's pro-thingy stance is being applauded by gender-identity reform advocates across the nation.

"In Ironhead, we have the rare example of a real man—a burly, muscular, testosterone-fueled behemoth who has proven his mettle time and time again on the playing field—who is comfortable enough with his own sexuality to openly admit his preference for liquid soap," said Glenn Barrie-Reid of the San Francisco-based New-Age Male-Awareness Task Force. "Even in the face of pressure from the nation's top elected officials, he has refused to back down. Ironhead has done immeasurable good for society, teaching us all a valuable lesson about what being a real man is all about."

While the national debate over gender-appropriate bathroom-product usage is far from over, many observers feel that Heyward's appearance before Congress represents a major victory for the forces of reform.

"Because of Ironhead, the tricky issue of bathroom-product sexual-role-identification is finally being discussed openly and honestly," said University of California-Berkeley sociology professor Nelson Laine. "Thanks to his commitment to bringing this issue out into the fore, we can all bathe a little easier."

"We as a nation have received a powerful message, one we will not soon forget," Laine said. "Ironhead has taught us that, male or female, what's important is not how we wash or with what we wash, but whether or not, at the end of the day, we are Zestfully clean."

Initial guess:

Pittsburgh over Miami
Carolina over Atlanta
Tampa Bay over Baltimore
New England over Buffalo
Cincinnati over Kansas City
Denver over St. Louis
New Orleans over Cleveland
Tennessee over Jets
Houston over Philadelphia (cue a week of laments for PA)
Seattle over Detroit
Chicago over Green Bay
Jacksonville over Dallas
Arizona over SF
Indianapolis over N.Y. Giants
Washington over Minnesota
San Diego over Oakland

there's been a lot of jawing abt the impending chad johnson/deangelo hall matchup, but i think rn i'm more stoked about seeing him go up against hines ward.

bold clam: arizona will still suck.

BUT D'BRICKASHAW IS D'MAN

attn titans: ENJOY YOUR AIDS BILLY VOLEK

Miami
Atlanta
Tampa Bay
New England
Cincinnati
Denver
Cleveland
NYJ
Philadelphia (ninja plz)
Seattle
Chicago
Jacksonville
Arizona
NYG
Minnesota
Oakland

WEEK 1:
Thursday, Sep. 7
Miami at Pittsburgh

Sunday, Sep. 10 :
Atlanta at Carolina
Baltimore at Tampa Bay
Buffalo at New England
Cincinnati at Kansas City
Denver at St. Louis
New Orleans at Cleveland
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Houston
Seattle at Detroit
Chicago at Green Bay
Dallas at Jacksonville
San Francisco at Arizona
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants

Monday, Sep. 11:
Minnesota at Washington
San Diego at Oakland

That's some shitty Monday night excitement.

does anyone else feel bad for Derrin Horton? he is such a poindexter :( the other day he responded to something his guest said with "yeah... that's tight!" and it was so lol :(

With the Colts, you don't know how it is all going to turn out with Edge leaving town. Another thing that analysts don't point out, but as someone that has watched most of the Colts games the last few years, their O-Line really started to break down at the end of last year. The Chargers and later in the playoffs the Steelers exploited this weakness. Manning got sacked in those two games more times than he had been the rest of the season. Besides those pass protection breakdowns, the Colts have had bunches of problems running the ball in short situations. Rot on the offensive line can lead to the complete breakdown of a star power offense, just ask Troy Aikman about his last couple of years in big D.

I think the Colts are going to try to keep the defensive improvement coming and it is not entirely possible that Dungy will ask Manning to go for more ball control on offense. Even though Manning's passing stats have been off the chart the last three years, I think the Colts still should have used Edge more as a reciever like they did James first couple of years with the colts.

"No. 2 overall pick and Heisman Trophy-winning running back Reggie Bush not only appears headed for a holdout with the New Orleans Saints, a league source said Bush is toying with the idea of sitting out the entire season and going back in the draft in 2007 if he doesn't get his price."

obviously it'll never happen, but i didn't even know you could DO that!

Their top two backs will be the rookie Addai from LSU and Edge's long time backup Dominic Rhodes. I'm sure Rhodes is really looking forward to the opportunity, as he rushed for over a 1000 yards in 2001 when Edge got hurt and has played OK off the bench. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

I'd personally like to see the Colts get an H-back or fullback that can catch the ball and block like a mf'er such as Jim Kleinsasser or Mack Strong. They pretty much used one back lineup for a long time and I think going to some two back sets would be good, if they had the right guys.

ps. http://www.solarexpert.com/Testimonials/Danson.jpg