Ok, I need your help (aka how to really train so that you can eventually REALLY TRAIN)

Okay, I don't have a coach so I'm going to ask you guys your opinions. I have a problem with my fitness level and it may be psychological, it may be a product of living in LA for most of my 20s and being absorbed in car culture.

I recently became a born-again performance athlete, and I am frustrated because I'm about 15 pounds heavier than I was in my prime and also about 15-20 years older (lol masters).

I am having a hard time tapping into my overdrive that came so easily as a fair youth: being able to surge and drop motherfucking wheelsuckers at the drop of a hat, being able to make up ground/time - pick off people ahead of me... maybe this is selective memory.

On the bike, I'm finding that I'm getting eaten alive in the hills. I feel like Tyler Farrar finishing up on the Alp D'Huez while Team Euskaltel is already showered and out on the town eating pintxos. Some of my riding mates are quite mantis-like physically, and I'm certainly not built that way. So yeah, I am not a climber build (6'2"195#/188cm88.5kg), I get that. But can't I just hang on? halp!?

So here's my main issue (going back to the LA ref above). I used to drive a lot, Mississippi to LA in 2 days, SD to LA in 2 hours, LA to SF in 4.5 hours. I studied a lot about fuel economy w/r/t driving and how to maximize fuel expenditure. I have found on my long rides or hill repeats, I revert back to this style of thinking and go into conservation mode... For example, my internal monologue is something like "dude, you still have 80 miles left on this ride, let them go and catch them on the descent" or "you have to climb this fucker 3 more times, why push your heart rate to 90% of your max on the second go-round?"

And then I realize, some of my teammates really don't give a fuck and just go balls out from the first climb and that's why they finish the ride 30 minutes ahead of me. And then I realized, cycling is not like driving a car or running long distance, you can recover and regroup on descents, even flats. Also, I always seem to have a little bit of "fuel in the tank" (~20-30%) when I finish my ride?

So how much do you guys "conserve" for say the first 1/3rd of your weekly long ride or hard effort? Do you pace based on heartrate/watts/pace? Do you risk early effort in spite of the fact you may get dropped later (or is this a fucked/dangerous/self-defeating way of thinking and i should stfu)?

Don't have a heart attack.

that has def occured to me, trust me.

"Do you risk early effort in spite of the fact you may get dropped later (or is this a fucked/dangerous/self-defeating way of thinking and i should stfu)?"

not a performance athlete here, obv (though i am trying to get back into my 19yo 5.13-able climbing shape, lol), but what i'd be worried about was ~actually bonking. it's only happened to me a few times, working, and i'd really never felt anything like it (tho i'm guessing it's v familiar to you). like, i just imploded, sharply, and literally couldn't go anymore. i had to shoot a glucose tube (leftover from EMT days, for diabetics) just to make it a few blocks to get a real snack.

anyway, that's what i'd be nervous about! but that's what Gu/pre-loading is for, right

"(tho i'm guessing it's v familiar to you)"

ie - as a born-again performance athlete...most rec athletes never dig deep enough to actually have the bottom fall out