Autumn Almanac reviews the numbers A to Z because as an insomniac, he can't sleep just yet

A
Smug git of a letter. All 'hello look at me, I'm right up top of the alphabet!' Needs to come down a peg or two.

B
Doesn't know whether it wants to be nice and flat or all bumpy and rounded. Wasting everyone's time.

C
Careful, it's a trap.

D-P
The bogans of the alphabet. Utterly pointless. Exist only to have family dinners and pick up dole cheques from Centrelink.

Q
Deliciously styled with a touch of je ne sais quoi.

R-V
Tha alternative crowd. Usually seen in or near goth clubs on Thursday and Sunday nights.

W
Attempts to steal the spotlight from Q, but with little grace, poise or flair. Avoid.

X
The mystery letter. An enigma unto itself and others, it must exist yet has no reason for existing. Is frequently a means to an end.

Y
Waiting for W to lose momentum so it can usurp Q's position. Could be waiting a while.

Z
Receives more attention than deserved. The only child of the alphabet, in that it makes loads of noise to make us all-too-aware of its existence, yet cries like a big baby when overlooked. A pathetic excuse for a letter.