The most upfront sexual proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met

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I sometimes wonder how I would react if someone attractive came up to me and said 'I want to fuck you'. Badly, probably. I think there was a survey on this.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:46 (twenty-one years ago)

a friend of mine told me a guy once said this to her and i think it worked. i was amazed (depends on factors like what she was like, what the guy who said it was like etc. but still).

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually that has happened to me a few times, all in college. Needless to say I was happy to oblige.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

i have never been propositioned or propositioned

i think i might like to be as a larf, but i have a feeling as, when anyone attractive shows me kindness of a sort, i would immediately think they were mocking me ala 7th grade

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

"i think you're cool, homer simpson"

"sandra, that was mean"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually it doesn't have to be someone you've just met. Just someone you've not had sex with before.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I've been asked to make out with people and obliged but not have sex.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes yes, with your sister, we know.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I once came home to find a cute friend of mine in my bed in her underwear. That was surprising.

― Paul Eater (eater), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

suddenly i feel as i've lead a very uninteresting life

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

How did she attempt to explain this position, Paul?

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I think it was intended to be self-evident, or evident from the sexiness of the underwear.

― Paul Eater (eater), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

With people I've just met, it's only ever happened when I've been in a long-term relationship -- the most memorable time, the girl turned out to be really cool, but I hadn't gotten her number or last name or anything like that and we'd only run into each other because she was hanging out with a friend's sister who was checking out the campus (i.e. she did not go to my school, chances of running into her randomly again pretty much nil) -- and my girlfriend and I broke up like two weeks later (for unrelated reasons).

Oh, and at Hampshire, of course, but that hardly counts.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Had she broken into your apartment?

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

The better question is, did the ploy work?

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

usually i never had to say anything, just put out the vibe...

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:02 (twenty-one years ago)

It was the summer of 1996. I was a young man who'd recently had his heart badly broken for the first time. I was a drifter, having just completed an 8-month sting in the domestic youth volunteer corps and having nowhere I really wanted to be. So, naturally, I was in Vancouver.
My friend and I went to a football game, the Lions and the Allouettes. It was a blowout, but I can't remember for who anymore. I'm inclined to think the Als.
After the game, Shane decided to take me to a stripclub. I'd never been to one, since there aren't really any where I'm from. We went to the first one we saw, which was called, I think, the Penthouse. It was in the basement.
I found the place mostly unsettling and not at all titillating. In my then-bleeding heart way, I felt just awful for the women on stage. I wanted to leave.
"It's not THAT bad," Shane said, an old-time Ontario fratboy with much experience in the seedy life. And then he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving me alone at the table.
Within seconds a rough looking women in her mid-to-late 30s sat down in his seat. "You wanna come back to my place and fool around for a while," she asked.
"No thank you," I whimpered and she left, on to her next mark.
By the time Shane got back--it seemed like forever--I was nearly blubbering.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:02 (twenty-one years ago)

This one girl in college, just randomly went down on the ol' brazole one night. Didn't even say a word to me. My response to the deed "your gonna get fucked now". She obliged.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:06 (twenty-one years ago)

My then-housemates let her in, I presume.

And NO I did not acquiesce. Sometimes I regret that a lot. I was in a tired and perverse mood, and she was, among other things, underage and silly.

― Paul Eater (eater), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:09 (twenty-one years ago)

you think rather highly of yerself chris. with all that "vibe".

― Chris Radford (Chris Radford), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:09 (twenty-one years ago)

mad vibe.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:11 (twenty-one years ago)

and change that to "I thought rather highly of myself", i don't anymore.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:13 (twenty-one years ago)

never been asked but if i was i prob would run away.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Upfront sexual propositions from illegally young yet very attractive people = unfuckingbelievably DUD.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Women scare me.
So do dogs and children.

― Bruce Urquhart (Bruce Urquhart), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

chris you're kind of grossing me out.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:20 (twenty-one years ago)

oh come on.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:20 (twenty-one years ago)

chris v = my hero

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:27 (twenty-one years ago)

brazole?

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Obviously none of you have ever been to a gay bar, where upfront sexual propositions are dime-a-dozen. But once I went to this god-awful piano bar, and some old [65+] grabbed my hand and placed it on his crotch. That seemed rather upfront.

― phil-two (phil-two), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:28 (twenty-one years ago)

My high-school chemistry teacher always told this story about going to college with a name Wally Wimple (we're talking the '50s at least). According to the teacher, his buddy Wally would go to mixers, walk up to a woman he liked the look of, and say, "Hi, my name's Wally Wimple, would you like to sleep with me?" Usually, the intended declined and Wally moved on to the next one. The upshot is that even though he was turned down time after time, he averaged a 1-in-10 rate of success. I'm sure this was supposed to impart a lesson to us, although now I'm not exactly sure what.

― Lee G (Lee G), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

My friend and I went to a football game, the Lions and the Allouettes.

Next week, watch as the Toronto Velociraptors take on the Halifax Dustbunnies.

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Lee, Boomhauer from King of the Hill uses the exact same technique.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:36 (twenty-one years ago)

boomhauer is brilliant.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

mmbmmbmbmbmbmmbmbmelmbmabmbmbmabmmbmabmabmb, uh-huh, mbmhabhbmbhbmbmabhbmbhabmb your number?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:38 (twenty-one years ago)

More to the point, several years ago I ran into a woman I've known and flirted with for some years at the wedding of mutual friends. We were talking about this and that and out of nowhere she just cut to the chase. Right about then her date came back from the bathroom. I haven't seen her since, and that's probably best for all concerned.

― Lee G (Lee G), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:38 (twenty-one years ago)

''I'm sure this was supposed to impart a lesson to us, although now I'm not exactly sure what.''

that if you do this now, you'd be killed?

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Paul's post sounds eerily familiar to me. (I was not underage and silly, however)

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Phil, tell the Chinese train story.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:48 (twenty-one years ago)

BEST STORY EVAH!

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do you want to eat?" has entered my vocabulary so hardcore.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Chinese train story

ooh! IS this a position?!? ha ha

― Sarah mclusky (coco), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:52 (twenty-one years ago)

none/none

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 17:55 (twenty-one years ago)

and some old [65+] grabbed my hand and placed it on his crotch. That seemed rather upfront.

this happened to me a couple of weeks ago! except the guy was young and pretty hot! but i still didnt go out with him.

― minna (minna), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:06 (twenty-one years ago)

that if you do this now, you'd be killed?

Well, he was imparting this wisdom some 20 years ago. Those were different times, as the poet once said. Plus, I think there might have been a statistical possibility "learning moment" imbedded in there somewhere. Jeez, can you imagine a high-school teacher telling that story in class nowadays? You could end up on the six o'clock news.

Having reread the original thread topic, I realize my other story doesn't count. But I remember that I did have a young woman (she said 18) e-mail me a few years back to tell me she loved my writing would therefore like to (ahem) love me. An offer of sex sight unseen isn't nearly as flattering as I would have thought.

― Lee G (Lee G), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh my God, I'm totally not telling the Chinese train story on ILX. What if my mom finds this?

― phil-two (phil-two), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Phil's Mom is involved?
this Chinese train story just gets hotter and hotter, throw in Ally's sister and you've got porno gold, baby!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Those of you who don't know the Chinese train story and are making wild stabs at its content: Know that your attempts aren't nearly as wild and wonderful as the story itself.

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I think we've shared enough of the Chinese train story so far to let everyone's minds explode.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:17 (twenty-one years ago)

I had found out my two best friends--one male and one female--had started going out together, which made me feel pretty alienated. (I was 19, so were they.) The next day I cleaned my apartment and got into an incredibly self-righteous mood, deciding I didn't want or need any friends ever again. I felt pretty cocky about it, too. That night I went to the Mpls. nightclub First Avenue--it was when they were still doing all-ages Sunday night dance parties--and was feeling pretty damn pleased with myself, what with my no-more-friends-ever stance. Out on the dancefloor, near the end of the night, I started noticing a girl about my height, with a Tintin-style shaved head (forelock), with a really cute face and ridiculously hot body. What I noticed was that (a) she was a good dancer, (b) she was elbowing everyone in her path except (c) me, whom she was staring right in the eye, and I'm thinking, "Haha little girl, I'm going to come up to you when this is over and say 'You're a really good dancer' and then leave like the no-friends-needed renegade I am." The song ends, we're looking each other square in the eye, and she grabs my hands, drags me to the bar and gives me her phone number. "Call me soon," she said, "I'm almost done with school." Then she kissed me on the mouth. Hard.

We went out for a month, during which time we actually managed not to be having sex. [sighs]

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Arrrgh! That last line should read: "We went out for a month, during which time there were moments when we actually didn't have sex. [sighs]"

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos, have I told you recently that you're my hero?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:20 (twenty-one years ago)

you made out with Tintin???
that's gross. Who do you think you are, Ally's sister or something?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:20 (twenty-one years ago)

There are guys out there who make it a lifestyle to go to bars every night, approach women and say "I want to fuck you" in varying ways. The thing is.. they lack feeling bad or feeling pain whenever the 19 out of the 20 women tell them to fuck off or punch them in the gut. But as for sheer number of sexual experiences, they do "better" than most. Sometimes, a few seconds every year, I feel envious of those guys.

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos obv:

http://www.princeton.edu/~ferguson/adw/tintin/Haddock.gif

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I hope I'm not yr hero, it's the one time in my life I actually had sex! I've been celibate the rest of it! [sings] "Ooooonnnne moooment innnn tiiiimmme...."

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:25 (twenty-one years ago)

"I Hope I'm Not Your Hero" could be a Nickelback song title!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

boy, if you sing as good as you type-sing, I think you and I could get rich quick!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:27 (twenty-one years ago)

What school was she almost done with Matos? Grade school? High school? College? Graduate school?

― amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:28 (twenty-one years ago)

some kind of one-year-college deal. she was 19 also.

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"Sometimes, a few seconds every year, I feel envious of those guys."

...what, of their VD?

― praying mantis (praying mantis), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 18:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not answering this thread, but I will give you all some advice.

If you are hanging out with married couples, you should always find out early on if any of them are swingers. You can do this in a number of ways which are not rude, like for example asking a third party. This is so that you do not find yourself ambushed on the sofa at 3am drunk and retarded and unable to remember that you are in a living room which does not belong to either of you.

She had fantastic tits, though.

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry Matos, Tom has totally just usurped your place as my hero with that. Tom = fo shizzle.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok, this one is true.
"Are you feeling erotic?"

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:24 (twenty-one years ago)

NICKALICIOUS YOU ARE SO ON MY SHIT LIST FOR STEALING MY SEAN CONNERY JOKE!!!!!!!

(note: that's the way I proposition people, nudge nudge wink wink)

I just find it very distasteful to be all like, well, ya wanna fuck for no apparent reason. I mean, at least go through the motions of romance for five minutes first, jesus fucking christ.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh, forgot to specify: the above was a proposition received, along with a shortlist of nearby hotels

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha! You know who needs to answer this thread? Yancey.

"My name is Samantha. My name is Tiffany. What the fuck ever. I'm here alone and I live right around the corner."

In front of all of us!!!

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:29 (twenty-one years ago)

At a party a few years ago, a woman walks up to me with a hand behind her back. "Stick out your hand," she says. I do. Her hidden hand turns out to have a handcuff around it, and she snaps the other cuff around my wrist. "Now you have to find the key," she says.

― like I'd say, Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:42 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I was at that party....

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:49 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm pondering submitting mine... eek.

― gygax! (gygax!), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:52 (twenty-one years ago)

duh! yep, Yancey wins

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 19:59 (twenty-one years ago)

That girl was the bomb.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 20:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Good grief, I hardly know where to start. It generally has to be pretty blatant to get past my radar. One woman suggested going back to my place, which I did get, but she also asked me whether I'd prefer her in black lacy panties or none at all, which left little room for doubt. But I can think of maybe twenty occasions when a first meeting with someone left no doubt in my mind that sex was definitely on the cards. I guess I took up maybe half the opportunties.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 20:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Have been told "You wanna get high and make out?" Passed.

I've had random older men come up to me and propose marriage. Always at the same bar in Austin. Hmm.

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:19 (twenty-one years ago)

What, were you propositioned by Towlie?

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes Chris, I was. :(

― Texas Sam (thatgirl), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Now I want DB to tell the Clownie story. Though it has nothing to do with sex. I think.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:32 (twenty-one years ago)

HOLY FUCK I FORGOT THIS STORY

so one time, when i was living in philly, i and some friends of mine got drug to see some horrible play my roommate was involved in and needless to say i drank about 19 beers (this is sadly not an exxxageration) during said performance (after which i got on stage and played "the blues"...but that's another story). so afterwards we're - this is mostly people i went to college with most of whom i had since fallen out of contact with - trying to figure out where to go and there's this all night diner around the block, so we go. now, once there i'm seated next to this girl who i UTTERLY hated during college, because she was a pretentious art bitch, but who was way way hott and who had been making googly eyes at me all night because since i stopped eating and started taking lots of drugs i had somehow transmogrified into the waif-like indie boys she usually went for. so i order - insanely since my stomach was already doing the jungle gym - cheese fries and she gets a waffle. and we're exchanging banter and at one point i lean over and - drunk as a skunk - rest my head on her breasts and say, "you know, i really hate you." she just laughs. so then during the food, i start to dip my fries into her syrup. she goes, "are you sure you can handle that?" and i reply, within full earshot of the ten people around the table, "of course, you bitch...you should see the way i handle the cheese fry in my pants." stunned silence follows, before some brings up something else and we move on. then, outside the restaurant, as we're splitting up. she says to me, "so are you going to show me how you handle it?" by that point i was totally all "so what i'm drunk" and seeing my deer-like expression she says - TOTALLY DEADPAN - "your cheese fry."

so we went back to my house and fucked.

and then, i threw up on her.

THE END

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:39 (twenty-one years ago)

OK, this is a very VERY close second to the Chinese Train Story.

― Chris P (Chris P), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:42 (twenty-one years ago)

that was so romantic

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

admiration > disdain

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:43 (twenty-one years ago)

STRONGO IS MY NU-GOD

― RickyT (RickyT), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:44 (twenty-one years ago)

this is possibly the only "hate fuck" i've ever engaged in

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Shock. Awe.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:49 (twenty-one years ago)

also, i take back earlier when i said chris was grossing me out

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:49 (twenty-one years ago)

eeeeeewwwwwwwww!

― Orbit (Orbit), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I am so glad I started this thread. It kind of counterbalances the "correct way to pronounce 'often'" one quite nicely

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 21:57 (twenty-one years ago)

first record review you work that story into wins

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:01 (twenty-one years ago)

R. Kelly, the Cheese Fry of Music

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:05 (twenty-one years ago)

I think Americans are more promiscuous than Britons. Are there stats on this?

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:06 (twenty-one years ago)

New Britney out soon!

― David R. (popshots75`), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:07 (twenty-one years ago)

well, N. how many people have you had sex with? we can compare.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:10 (twenty-one years ago)

surely there's been a how many ppl you've had sex with thread! right?

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:11 (twenty-one years ago)

oh yeah there has. too bad the search fucntion's fuxored

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I never answered that thread because I am British and reserved.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:12 (twenty-one years ago)

and you like to be spanked.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:14 (twenty-one years ago)

How many people have you, well, YOU know...? btw

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I think Americans are more promiscuous than Britons. Are there stats on this?

According to all of my USAF buddies stationed in the UK you are completely wrong

― Millar (Millar), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Overpaid, oversexed and over here.

HANDS OFF OUR WOMEN

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

it's been scientifically determined that n. likes ice queens who bite their lips when they cum and wear their hair pulled so taught you can see their mental processes

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

STOP TURNING ME ON

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Anyway, for your information it's ice maiden bitches.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I was actually turned on there.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Now if I don't hear the chinese train story I will not die happy. Ever. :(

― Dan I., Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:17 (twenty-one years ago)

i remembered another story but i think that's enough for one day

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:19 (twenty-one years ago)

NO, more.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:19 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, no more for today

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:21 (twenty-one years ago)

A girl once came up to me in a club and gave me an eclair. I just ate it and walked off, but then later a friend of hers came up to tell me she was "well up for it".

I went home alone, needless to say.

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Do eclairs have some hidden meaning now? Was it the eclair of lust?

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

"well up for it" is a wonderful phrase

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Thought you'd like it, you crazy kids.

It was a small eclair in a wrapper, not a full-on chocolate and cream pastry confection. It tasted good.

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago)

And how do you randomly walk around with an eclair? 'You know, now that I have an eclair, I think I'll... eat it? hmm, no, that's not right... Go to a club and present it to a man so he'll know I want to do the mattress mambo with him? Why yes, yes, I think that's it!'

Man, I don't get people at all.

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago)

(x-post)

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago)

(and jess, what's with the new name? been working out?)

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, if working out means smoking a pack a day and sitting around on my fat ass

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that one of those new-fangled Atkins diet type deals?

― Nordicskillz (Nordicskillz), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:33 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, it's called "professor hulkington's smoke yourself thin"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 23 July 2003 23:34 (twenty-one years ago)

at a club once this girl who was E-ing off her head by all accounts gave me a shot of her cocktail for no apparent reason and then mouthed "i want to fuck you" at me. needless to say i didn't need to be asked twice. actually i wasn't asked at all. but there you go.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 24 July 2003 00:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I went on a date to see Amadeus in college with a girl from upstairs. On the way home she said "Oh my God and that MUSIC was just inCREDible, I mean, it was like ORGASMIC" (here she fixed me with a look) "DIDN'T YOU THINK SO????"

I didn't take the bait. Shoulda, but didn't. She had been jocking one of my roommates just the week before, and it would have been bad form. Plus I had a crush on a girl who was fresh out of an NYC girls' school run by nuns.

― Neudonym, Thursday, 24 July 2003 01:08 (twenty-one years ago)

apologies for not noticing that this was supposed to be "someone you've just met". fuck, another thread instruction blown to bits. I guess, then, I'll nominate the saucy talk between me and a devastatingly cute girl at a party in DC that same year--she was the little princess of innuendo, until my buddy Christian told me she was but a sophomore in h.s. and therefore off limits.

― Neudonym, Thursday, 24 July 2003 01:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I once got "I want your sex" in broken English from a girl at a club in Tokyo. I didn't understand what she was saying at first because it was pretty loud inside and my brain refused to accept that I'd heard her correctly.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Thursday, 24 July 2003 01:33 (twenty-one years ago)

At Sydney Mardi Gras last year from a German guy: "my friend doesn't speak English too good but he really want sex with you. Ya?"

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Thursday, 24 July 2003 01:49 (twenty-one years ago)

it's the "Ya?" that makes it

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 24 July 2003 02:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Unquestionably.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 July 2003 02:29 (twenty-one years ago)

i almost said "i want to sex you, mama" to the girl who laughed at me and took my cigarette the otherday but i wussed out in the 11th hour

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 24 July 2003 02:30 (twenty-one years ago)

you know, i must point out for reality sake, that most propositions are non-verbal.
verbal propositions are far more risky and have a cheese factor that cannot be overcome.

― Orbit (Orbit), Thursday, 24 July 2003 03:27 (twenty-one years ago)

GODDAMMIT! I REALLY want to know the Chinese train story. I'll go down on all o' y'all! Anything for the drama!

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Thursday, 24 July 2003 04:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Not someone I just met, but a bartender I barely knew. I spent one night drinking with her and this friend of mine she was screwing (real casual-like; he was married). Anyway, I realize I'm really shitfaced, so before I start making an ass out of myself, I leave for home. When I get there, a walk of 10 blocks or so, they are in front of my building. Meanwhile, I am on the cell phone with my new girlfriend telling her about their freaky sex and how this guy's a dick for cheating on his wife, etc., so she wasn't happy when I said, "Hey... they're here... Hi, guys! Uh..."

My girlfriend hung up on me and we all went upstairs where I proceded to call my girlfriend and try to explain in my stupor that nothing is going to happen, I didn't know they were coming, etc.... When this bartender chick comes in, kicks off her boots (seriously, very smooth move!), drops to her knees, opens her mouth, flicks her pierced tongue at me and is waving "come on" with both hands. Basically, like, "put your dick in my mouth" was exactly what she was saying while I'm on the phone with my new girlfriend trying to explain that nothing is going to happen tonight.

Nothing did happen that night, but I was really disappointed. This chick had been talking about how she loved giving head and this guy told me a story of their sexcapades in the back of a cab, etc.

Woulda been my first time with a real honest-to-goodness slut! Oh well, I did the right thing cuz I'm still with that same girlfriend and totally plan to marry her one day.

― Scaredy cat (Natola), Thursday, 24 July 2003 04:38 (twenty-one years ago)

A heartwarming tale.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:08 (twenty-one years ago)

it kind of is.

― phil-two (phil-two), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:15 (twenty-one years ago)

"Do you fancy casual sex, cos I could really do with a shag?"
24 hours later she did.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha - the Chinese Train Story = best story EVAH!

Anyway - mine. It was at some godawful student fancy dress party about six or so years ago, and I'd just been waiting at the bar for a ludicrous amount of time. Obviously, in order to maximise the value of the bar queue I'd gone and bought a pint with three extra shots, and was just staggering slowly back to my friends when I notice this really cute girl just staring at me from across the room. She was dressed as Cleopatra.

Anyway, we make eye contact, and she gives me the whole "come hither" finger gesture, at which point I obviously approach her. The first thing she says to me is:

"Hello. Are you a virgin?"
"Erm, no."
"Oh." *slighly disappointed look*
"For the sake of this conversation, would you like me to be one?"
"Yes. Are you a virgin."
"Yes."
"Would you like me to redeem you of that?"
*stunned silence* Followed by something along the lines of "yes please."

We left. I'd been there half an hour. We'd talked for approximately thirty seconds. I was dressed as a nun. She later told me she'd been to a Catholic school and I had fulfilled a life-long fantasy of hers. We never saw one another again.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:29 (twenty-one years ago)

24 hours does not sound like casual sex! (I know it's not funny, but it's late y'know?)

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:30 (twenty-one years ago)

What does it sound like, formal sex?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:34 (twenty-one years ago)

sorry Nick, I was trying to make the joke that you had sex with her for 24 hours which would not really be casual. get it? ok, I'm going to bed...

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:36 (twenty-one years ago)

"Pardon me.. it's just, if you don't mind, well, it seems as though I'm about to have an orgasm... do you object?"

"No, no, by all means, please do."

"Thanks so much!"

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 24 July 2003 07:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Most upfront proposition made by me: "I don't usually say things like this, but you probably know I've slept with your other two flatmates over the past year and I think you should let me make up the set."

I think I was actually in with a chance before I said that.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:06 (twenty-one years ago)

at fabric i had that virgin thing too. sat down and some girl comes up and sits next to me and says "are you a virgin?", i'm like "er, no", she - "pity, i would have fucked you if you were", me - "i see"

walking home from friends when i was about 17, man in 50s cycles past, asks me "you want a blow job?". me: "er, no thank you"

girl came up and gave me note saying "i like you, call me". i did.

and, in not just met proposition, but anew, friend came round very drunk, had a bath, and got naked into my bed. nothing happened though

― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

people i've only just met often just say "fuck you" to me - is this the same thing?

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:16 (twenty-one years ago)

walking home from friends when i was about 17, man in 50s cycles past, asks me "you want a blow job?". me: "er, no thank you"

This evocative slice of old merrie England life reminds me of about my only story. Walking one morning to work along my usual Manchester ship canal shortcut, aged 21, I passed a group of guys who looked like they'd been up all night and were tarting about eating toffee apples.

"Do you want a toffee apple?"
"Err no - you're all right"
"A blow job then?"

I kind of avoided that shortcut for a while because I was young and easily frightened.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Two girls in a car flashed their tits at Matt while he waited for a bus, and then offered him a blow job. He SAYS he declined.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:38 (twenty-one years ago)

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 24 July 2003 08:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Gareth you should have promised just to be really rubbish in bed so she wouldn't have noticed the difference!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:08 (twenty-one years ago)

i start to dip my fries into her syrup

Is this a euphemism or do Americans really put fries in syrup?

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:13 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm totally gonna say 'yes' if a girl asks me if i'm a virgin ever

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:21 (twenty-one years ago)

this thread also convinces me i must be ugly as sin

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:22 (twenty-one years ago)

''Phil, tell the Chinese train story.''

so will someone plz tell.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:37 (twenty-one years ago)

steve i would just go up to them and tell them you are anyway.
after reading this thread, "i'm a virgin and i wanna sex you mama," is my new chat-up line. i am going out tonight and will let you know if it works.
most upfront thing said to me (funnily enough by hott goth chick) was: "you're such a cocky bastard. well, it doesn't work on me coz i could have you in minutes."

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:39 (twenty-one years ago)

she didn't btw, thus me = winner . . . or, come to think of it, maybe not.

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Being 24 and looking like a haggard old man I doubt I'm ever going to be asked if I'm a virgin.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Once when I was really drunk I told the supposed town stud that’d I’d heard he was crap in bed coz I knew he couldn’t resist a challenge and I wanted to see what all the fuss over him was about…

In my experience drunk Irish men are the most up front and forward people in the world when it comes to sex. Many a drunken Irish man has uttered the immortal opening line “I s’pose a roid’s outta the question?” to me or my friends in a bar, I find it quite charming in a blatant type of way, it’s never worked on me though. Most Irish men can get away with it, something to do with the accent and the twinkle in the eye….

Worst I ever heard “look love, is there any point in me wasting my time chatting you up, am I gonna get a roid at the end of it?” Horrible little man, when told no by me and all my friends he said “f*ck youse, I'm on me holiday’s” and soon afterward was seen heading to the beach with some drunk girl – must’ve worked on her!

― smee (smee), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:48 (twenty-one years ago)

that guy's about to win Big Brother

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Being 24 and looking like a haggard old man I doubt I'm ever going to be asked if I'm a virgin.

read as cleverly self-deprecating way of saying: "hey folks, i just ooze sexual experience"... pah!!!
;-)

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 09:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I may have posted this before so apologies but I must seem like such an ice maiden / psycho / whatever that this doesn't happen much. Anyway the bloke came up to me and said 'I want to fuck you like an animal'.

Bless him he was so pissed he couldn't have done it even if I'd taken him up on his kind offer.

― Emma, Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:07 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.lanting.com/images/bears.jpg

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Being 24 and looking like a haggard old man I doubt I'm ever going to be asked if I'm a virgin.
read as cleverly self-deprecating way of saying: "hey folks, i just ooze sexual experience"... pah!!!
;-)

Or just looking like a wizened old git!

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:10 (twenty-one years ago)

When pressed for more details he did actually specify 'a panther'.

― Emma, Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:14 (twenty-one years ago)

yr not a psycho emma - the person wanting to "f*** you like an animal" may be a bit odd, though.

i am thinking about trying to get in contact w/ hott goth chick again... i think is till have her number. i will make her wait 1 hour at the very least...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:20 (twenty-one years ago)

This reminds me of how I met my first girlfriend... I was boozing at some student gathering in a park, and friend of mine introduced me to a girl from her high school. The said friend also had a pair of handcuffs with her, and at some point she decided put them on me and the girl. Then she disappered, with the key. Well, obviously me and the girl had to spend the evening together, and one thing led to another, etc. In the end it was a short-lived romance, but I'll always remember that first night. I'm not sure this would work every time, however.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:21 (twenty-one years ago)

at my first college party, a girl came up to me and told me that she'd sit on my face. i didn't take her seriously, of course.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Ha ha, I first read that as "shit on my face"! Now there's something that needs to be taken seriously...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:38 (twenty-one years ago)

i heard you scandinavians were kinky, but really now!

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:39 (twenty-one years ago)

That's the Swedes, we Finns are quite prude actually. You wouldn't want to visit a Finnish sauna, though...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Why the hell not? Do finns romp around instead of making dark political and business deals whilst talking about philosophy?

― Ed (dali), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:55 (twenty-one years ago)

All the time, you just gotta roll with it, knowwhatImean?

― Spoonered (Spoonered), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not surprised to learn that calum/spoonered shits on ppls faces.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 10:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm not Calum and I don't do that right?

― Spoonered (Spoonered), Thursday, 24 July 2003 11:15 (twenty-one years ago)

I've had women say "Will you fuck me?" or words to that effect. Usually when they're drunk. I quite like it - no ambiguity.

― thoth (Jake Proudlock), Thursday, 24 July 2003 11:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Y'know - I only added the 'or received' bit of this question as an afterthought but without reading the whole thread again, I can't remember a single person proffering details of the most upfront sexual proposition that they have made.

You're all just take take take.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 11:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Erm....."Once when I was really drunk I told the supposed town stud that’d I’d heard he was crap in bed coz I knew he couldn’t resist a challenge and I wanted to see what all the fuss over him was about…"

Doesn't that count?

― smee (smee), Thursday, 24 July 2003 11:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Women saying "I hear you're crap in bed" = a come on. Who knew?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

You didn't say it had to be logical, or even daring, just the most up front thing you've ever done, for me I'm afraid that's as good as it gets!

― smee (smee), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Another lame-o story. Once in my senior year of high school I was fooling around with this girl at a party and she came out with the "I want to fuck you so bad, but we can't because we're not dating." My response was "Ya, but we'll never date, so what will it matter." She got off me and left. Man, I was such an asshole back in the day.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh no, Smee, your post was v.appropriate. I was just lifting my eyebrows in a kind of 'crazy women!' way.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I read it over and it does sound mentalist - you'd have to know the guy and understand my f*cked up state of mind at that time to really appreciate it!

― smee (smee), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:10 (twenty-one years ago)

ok, ok... once when v v v drunk, i'd been giving/getting the eye from this woman at a gig. she had stashed her jacket near me and a friend of mine kept saying "you gotta go talk to her". i'm actlly pretty shy so naturally didn't. then when she came to pick up her jacket my mate said "that's it you've blown it" or words to the effect. so, full of dutch courage i just tapped her on the shoulder, she turned round and without a word we somehow ended up kissing, we ended up walking out together. fortuitously my parents were away (we were both just 18) so hs ended up staying over, us subsequently spending pretty much the whole summer together before she went off to university and i bummed about for a couple of years. weirdly, i bumped into her a while ago in covent garden with what looked like her husband/bf so I didn't bother swapping phone numbers or anything but she still seemed pretty great... anyway, that's the most upfront i've ever been but i'm still not quite sure whose fault it was!

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I did upthread... it wasn't successful.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Sorry Matt - I went and misread that as happening the other way around and ignored the fact that the last sentence made no sense.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Generally around about christmastime I'll get propositioned about four times a week, but then, I'm a barman and it's hideous pissed women with orange tans in their mid-fifties. Grand national weekend is slightly better, but having really drunk people throw themselves at you when you're stone-cold sober = massive dud. Plus I can't really see Mrs Coastaltown approving.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I only get propositioned like that by hideously drunk people, so I don't really count that.

I sometimes feel awkward about asking people what time it is, so being upfront would have been completely out of the question for me.

― Larcole (Nicole), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:40 (twenty-one years ago)

"What's the most upfront timekeeping proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met?"

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:42 (twenty-one years ago)

'excuse me, have you got the time.... for a shag?'

― Emma, Thursday, 24 July 2003 12:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Not me, but a friend (seriously). He was in a bar and got to talking to a woman, and it came up that he was a virgin. She says, "Oh, so you've never felt what it's like to have your penis in a vagina?" He affirms and she says, "Well, you can go home with me and do whatever you'd like, but then you have to leave because I have to get up for work in the morning." Done and done.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:05 (twenty-one years ago)

So between smee's story and all the "I'm a virgin, fuck me out of here" ones, it seems that being at one of the extreme poles of sexual experience is the best way to attract upfront propositions.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I am proof that this isn't the case.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe the whinging puts people off.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Coffee. Spit. Out. Of. My. Mouth.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that supposed to be a come on?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:29 (twenty-one years ago)

coffee's an afrodisiac, so of course!

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:46 (twenty-one years ago)

starbucks = the liquid of love

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:46 (twenty-one years ago)

''Maybe the whinging puts people off.''

but that's what ile is for, N ;)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:47 (twenty-one years ago)

N., not every thread is about you and me having sex, jesus christ.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:47 (twenty-one years ago)

I didn't mean to me, necessarily.

Julio, I'm just bemused by the way you pop up on every possible thread to say "I'm a virgin" in wronged tones.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, who else would that post have been directed towards, Mr. Dastoor?

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:51 (twenty-one years ago)

N- can't you tell I'm bored at work.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Hit on one of the secretaries.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Julio, if I have sex with you do you promise to shut up about it?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

or touch yerself

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

perhaps we should club together for julio?

― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Just come to America, everybody gets laid.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:59 (twenty-one years ago)

perhaps we should club together for julio?

You mean some kind of gangbang?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 13:59 (twenty-one years ago)

tad I cure cancer all the time.

like i said, ile is one big whinge.

x-post- maybe in a post-nuclear war world where ppl have to have orgies to keep the population numbers up. that is my 'solution' [/sam delany]

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

!
(also xpost)
(also !)
(also xpost)
(also !)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:07 (twenty-one years ago)

on-the-job fassyman chichi sex.

Just come to America, everybody gets laid.

i told that to lady di in NZ -- even offered to hook her up with a good immigration lawyer here! -- and she didn't budge. i don't think julio will either.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:08 (twenty-one years ago)

is DJing a good way to get laid? all signs point to yes...i am preparing to test this theory to the max.

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:10 (twenty-one years ago)

i do not budge. I whinge.

(sorry foax, microsoft powerpoint is playing games with my life this afternoon)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:11 (twenty-one years ago)

i think you will have to choose different records though steve

― gareth (gareth), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:12 (twenty-one years ago)

is DJing a good way to get laid?

Yes. Well, propositioned anyway. Well, danced around in front of until you notice.

It's a good job I trust Matt...

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I did a DJ set at Tracer Hand's Halloween party several years ago and ended up practically having sex on camera! It's totally a good way to get propositioned.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:16 (twenty-one years ago)

these sorts of tales are a dime-a-dozen but here's mine -

blind drunk in a club but concentrating really hard on my dancing a girl i had been flirting with, leaned close and half-shouted in my ear "i want to take you home and fuck you". never having had sex before, i was both excited and scared shitless at this proposition. so it was back to her flat we went, where i managed to stumble out with "um i've never done this" before she shamelessly had her way with me.

― Chris Radford (Chris Radford), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

I did a DJ set at Tracer Hand's Halloween party several years ago and ended up practically having sex on camera!

please say pies were involved somewhere along the line ally ;-)

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, you've got weird fantasies.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:26 (twenty-one years ago)

and some people say that i'm a perv ... sheesh

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

ally, you know exactly what i'm talking abt and it's supposed to be funny :-P
also djing does get you talking to people, but it doesn't make you more attractive. in addition to this, i get really grouchy when people interrupt me while i'm working at a mix etc. i'm djing on saturday...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

"dj set" = running "lucky star" and "express yourself" together at different speeds. we're all like "homina homina! that's one hot mama!"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:31 (twenty-one years ago)

For some reason all I can think about is this episode of Real Sex that I watched that involved a clown orgy and the quote "Any time I see a pie, I want to put my ass in it".

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:31 (twenty-one years ago)

they don't hit on you cause yer an old fart. when yer 30, yer shit starts going way down, dude.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

(don't make fun of my DJ skills, Tracer, it allowed your dodgy roommate (or was it Hunter S. Thompson? Were they one and the same?) to get really disturbing shots of me)

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

clownilingus

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

http://bitchcakes.topcities.com/images/elisha.jpg
+
http://bitchcakes.topcities.com/images/djally.jpg
=
the clown orgy ep of real sex.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:36 (twenty-one years ago)

they don't hit on you cause yer an old fart.

right, fine, kick a man while he's down, why don't you. fuck all y'all, i'm leaving forever...

*hobbles off muttering to himself and doing that old-geezer fist-shaking thing"

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Nice pix!

I could go for a fruit pie of some sort.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:38 (twenty-one years ago)

"Hi, this is Clownie, I'm a few streets away."

This thread is unusual.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

WTF are you, the pinefox, Ned?

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

you look like gary numan's little sister in that pic, ally.

"clownilingus" = hank williams song about a dime-store clown.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Back on track: I once made a nice fuck buddy out of the girl next door, and I did it by asking. Or saying, "I think we should be having sex," or something to that effect. She took a day to think about it, then agreed. Clean and simple.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

WTF are you, the pinefox, Ned?

I'm just saying! It's better than coffee for waking up, this discussion.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that an insult or a compliment, Tad? I mean, jesus, I know I take a terrible photo but wtf?

Tracer went as Casper!

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:42 (twenty-one years ago)

now, ally, considering that i think that gary numan = GOD (or gary numan circa "are 'friends' electric" = GOD), what do you think?

and "stormtrooper in drag" fits you well! :-)

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

why didn't ally dress up as witch or something?

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:48 (twenty-one years ago)

For some reason all I can think about is this episode of Real Sex that I watched that involved a clown orgy and the quote "Any time I see a pie, I want to put my ass in it".

this is all in your mind, ally... and, anyway, the rules are that pies go in faces not asses in pies: this would throw the whole universe off-kilter...

most upfront suggestion i am yet to make: "hi i wanna put my ass in your pie." i will try this when out tonight and hopefully it will work - thus proving tad wrong and myself to still be desirable and youthful simultaneously... on the other hand...

I could go for a fruit pie of some sort.

sarah i think if you were really intent in involving pies in sex then they would have to be fruit ones - there's very little that could be considered erotic about meat pies at all...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I was NOT Casper, I was "spooky"!! (the adjective) Though out of character in that pic, I admit.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Julio, that's quite a bit rude, you whingy bastard. Anyway because the Britney outfit was sexier than the witch one that I had also bought, odd that you surmised that I own one.

Alright, Tad, I'll take it as a compliment but rest assured my DJ skillz sounded nothing like "Are 'Friends' Electric" unfortunately.

TRACER YOU WERE CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST, STOP YOUR CONCEPTUAL NONSENSE AND ADMIT IT.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:50 (twenty-one years ago)

But I think clown pies are just whipped cream anyway, right?

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:51 (twenty-one years ago)

B..b..but Dave, what of custard?

x posts!

― smee (smee), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

"fruit pies"? wtf, do you DJ in gay bars or something?

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

''Julio, that's quite a bit rude, you whingy bastard. Anyway because the Britney outfit was sexier than the witch one that I had also bought, odd that you surmised that I own one.''

not that odd. you are v predictable, ally ;)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

"fruit pies"? wtf, do you DJ in gay bars or something?

oh, and a meat pie would be like much more heterosexual wouldn't it tad. this says more abt you than me...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

and who in this bitch can link to the "clown porn" thread then?

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I never knew pies had sexual preferences until now.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:55 (twenty-one years ago)

anyway, due to my not liking fruit or vegetables, anything not meat = fruit to me

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:56 (twenty-one years ago)

you mean you never read "little jack horner"? that shit's teeming with double entendres! what do they have you columbia students reading nowadays anyway?

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:57 (twenty-one years ago)

JOHN STUART MILL NEVER COVERED THE PIE SEX, I FEEL SO GYPPED!

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

"meat pies" = butch

"fruit pies" = fem

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:58 (twenty-one years ago)

on the other hand, little jack horner also never said "nigga please"!

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

"meat pies" = butch
"fruit pies" = fem

= all pies r gay!

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, I think it was Old King Cole who was like all "Nigga please!" when those mofos gave him a pie filled with goddamned live blackbirds, what is that shit? That is NOT a gay pie, that's fucking hardcore S&M pie.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:02 (twenty-one years ago)

especially if you put yr ass in it!

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:03 (twenty-one years ago)

banana cream pie takes on a whole new meaning.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

ME SEEN NUFF OF U FASSYGEEK WITH TA MUCH TIME PLAYIN ON KEYBOARD WIT DEM PIECE OF SHIT LIKE DEM DILDO TING U GET FOR DEM INTANET PIESEX FLEX. U KNOW WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT I SEEN DEM VIDEO WIT 2 CHICHI WIT REMOTE CONTROL BANANACREMEPIE-DILDA FLEXIN EACH OTHER OVER NET.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Best thread of the year, clearly.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh I've some stories to tell - I'm not Nick by the way, I'm his colleague, his name is on my computer.

Two girls (names withheld). My housemate asks me in the club. 'Which of the two are you going with tonight?' 'Um the shorter one.' 'Fine - I'll take the other' - At home much later, the girl I'm with, having led me thru two delicious orgasms gets up, and naked leaves my room and i hear her going up the stairs. Followed by steps coming down, and in walks in the other girl, naked, and starts to work on my tired and withered soul. Successfully, I may add.

Another time, a drunken conversation between guys and girls leads onto the subject of anal sex, and one girl (whom I fancied) says - 'well, it's like having a shit backwards'. I offer her a drink and ask her to come to the bar with me - then I say 'let's go home'. She does, and I'm introduced to the mysterious world of enjoying a girl thru the alternative method.

For the best story of unknown girl frolics - ask Nick about the plastic sheet and butt plug of .... yes, his friend. Come out with it Nick and admit it was you.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Can I safely assume the plastic sheet is intended to keep urine and faeces off the carpet?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:18 (twenty-one years ago)

At a New Year's Eve party with a small group of friends (all women), I was introduced to a friend of a friend, who was not dressed up at all, and also gorgeous and charming; but I didn't pursue anything because it wasn't that kind of a party and I didn't detect any particular interest on her part. The party was fun and not at all wild or drunken; it broke up at about 2:30 and I drove away, only to notice the young woman flash her lights at me, pull up beside me, and ask "want to come home with me?" I did.

I asked her on a subsequent date to what I owed that particular honor, and she told me that it was because she thought I was cute and because she'd never before encountered a straight guy who could spend an evening with six or seven woman and be polite and not hit on any of them. We're still friends.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm going to the pub in a minute, and to be honest I ph34r the influence this thread could have on me after I've had a few.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:31 (twenty-one years ago)

back to the thread: the first time i was in london, like 10 years ago now, my english skills much worse than today, i was dancing at an indie club and this girl came up and said 'you're gorgeous'. i kindly replied 'ooops, sorry' and kept with my dancing.
back at home, i looked up the dictionary to see what 'gorgeous' meant. i wanted to kill myself.

― joan vich (joan vich), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Matt DC on the money - I'm gonna feel like a failure from now on every time I get talking to a girl and DON'T attempt the 'I'm a virgin!' or 'Wanna fuck?' 'technique'...

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm going to the cinema tonight. I might end up trying the popcorn trick on a stranger. Hmm.. it's a U rated film.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

you don't need to try any tricks on me N ;)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

What have you become?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

finding N,emo?

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

''What have you become?''

a wreck. thanks to you.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

finding N,emo?

What does that mean?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:52 (twenty-one years ago)

do you think at these clown/pie orgys they try to all squeeze their genitals into another clown?

― Chris V. (Chris V), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know : ((((((((

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Nowdays, if someone hits on me, they tend to be more subtle. However, a year ago (when still living in NYC), a guy had the nerve to stop me in the street, smile and say, "Bet I can satisfy you better than your boyfriend."

(Afterward, that was the fastest trot I've ever used to escape from someone.)

― Nichole Graham (Nichole Graham), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:55 (twenty-one years ago)

finding N,emo.

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

i am finding N emo

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:58 (twenty-one years ago)

that works better, I guess.

but, in popcorn?

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 15:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I find N. more tweemo than emo.

― Larcole (Nicole), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

...but I wouldn't want to find him in my popcorn bucket.

― Larcole (Nicole), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I like that RJG was so sad about not knowing the thing about the clowns and genitals and pies, like it is a really bad thing in his life that he doesn't understand this and that he's searching to rectify.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:05 (twenty-one years ago)

you don't undestand.

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:07 (twenty-one years ago)

what could be worse, finding N in a tub of popcorn or finding N in a (meat) pie?

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:12 (twenty-one years ago)

oh yeah, for someone to post a pic of that classic "mom's apple pie" album would be fitting right about now!

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:13 (twenty-one years ago)

He was sad about his enigmatic word pun!

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Shhh, we're pretending he's sticking his genitals into a clown!!!

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

i've always wondered what's going on in those little cars before the half-a-zillion clowns come out.

― Tad (llamasfur), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Pie. Ass. Etc. You fill in the blanks, I am tired of this conversation that I started.

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Reading the thread brought up more memories of blunt propositions received, which, it occurs to me, always come from women I can't--or wouldn't want to--sleep with.

For example, I move to a new town and make friends with a nice neighbor couple. They are pretty much my only close friends in the city for the first year I'm there, in fact. One weekend when he's out of town, she calls from upstairs (not unusual) and in the course of the conversation suddenly drops the line "So, I don't suppose you're the kind of guy who would sleep with a friend's wife, are you?" I wasn't, and thereafter tried to pretend the conversation never happened, as did she.

Also, while I was covering some crap concert at Hammerjacks (I think My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult was somehow involved) a not-unattractive blond woman, maybe a few years older than me, came up to me, asked me what I was writing, and started chatting. A minute or two into this conversation, she started rubbing my neck and telling me that of all the guys here I'm the sexiest and how she's going to an afterhours club after the show with some friends and did I want to come? It completely freaked me out. Not only was I waiting for my girlfriend at the time to arrive (I pictured her walking up behind me while this woman had her hand down my collar), but there was something so bizarre about the whole thing (The sexiest guy in Hammerjacks! Although I guess that's not so far-fetched.) that I actually thought at the time that she must be setting me up to get rolled.

On the other hand, in the interests of full disclosure, I have always been pretty shy--used to be, women practically had to jump on me. So any blunt propositions I delivered back in the day were most likely alcohol-fueled, unsuccessful, and subsequently embarrassing. Any that worked wouldn't be worth dredging up or repeating.

― Lee G (Lee G), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Shhh, we're pretending he's sticking his genitals into a clown!!!

Just as long as you don't google image search it, for god's sake.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:58 (twenty-one years ago)

: ((((((((((((((((((((((((

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 24 July 2003 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

There's your clown frown.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 24 July 2003 17:30 (twenty-one years ago)

i still can't honestly believe i told that story

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Thursday, 24 July 2003 19:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I was grabbed by a friend and told to "come outside come outside you know you want to know"...

me: your girlfriend is over there
him: i want you, come outside with me
me: THINKS 'he is not at all compos mentis'
me: OUT LOUD 'stoats, weasels and ocelots'
him: GRABS MY HAND 'you're so beautiful'

It must be the way I have with mustelidaes! That or the fact that aforesaid friend wd roger a passing letterbox if he had the chance.

And then there was the person who wanted to read Balzac to me and then fuck me senseless all night. He was turned down because he it was getting a little embarassing. Am not sure if this was the right decision actually but I think it was certainly the safest decision! Very funny though. I am saying no more on the interweb. He was a funny chap.

― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 24 July 2003 19:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Lee, I think that woman tried that same thing on me at the 8x10 once. I'm not joking.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Thursday, 24 July 2003 20:11 (twenty-one years ago)

My Hairdresser Friend: Hey, let's go back to my place. I'll dye your eyelashes and then you can fuck me.
Me: Cool!

― Arthur (Arthur), Friday, 25 July 2003 03:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Did you really say 'cool'? If so, that's the nicest story yet.

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 25 July 2003 08:42 (twenty-one years ago)

strongo - i missed that story... it's a disgrace, but also has a kind of special beauty...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 25 July 2003 08:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Received: at a New Year's party, near the end of the night - I'd been flirting with the host most of the night, and as people were leaving, he pulled me to him for 'a ny kiss', stuck his hand down my pants and said 'you're staying here.'

Given: out with friends and hot boy I had a major jones for - got knee walking drunk, decided I wanted to go to the park and swing on the swings, he went with me, and after awhile I'd had enough swinging, took his hand and said c'mon, fuck me right here, right now.

Not fabulously exciting, but there they are.

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Aw. My 'on the swings' situation involved a boy mumbling something which COULD have been 'will you go out with me?' and then denying he'd spoken. THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH MIDDLE-CLASS BRITISH TEENAGERS PEOPLE.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

For wrong read 'right'. Threads like this make me patriotic!

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Archel - the urgent in key question is whether you WOULD have gone out with him. You then point him in the direction of this thread and point out what might have been.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:20 (twenty-one years ago)

last night whilst out on the town, as promised a little further upthread, by way of experiment i did tell a very attractive woman i am vaguely acquainted with all about clown orgies (ally i love you for bringing up this topic, you are the best) and then proceeded to say that in such a situation i wouldn't be averse to "putting my ass in her pie". she thought this v funny. i have a date next week!

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:32 (twenty-one years ago)

THIS IS WHY ILX MUST CLOSE!

― Tico Tico (Tico Tico), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:34 (twenty-one years ago)

No, this is why ILX must stay!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:36 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm sorry, but it happened and i thought you all had a right to know!

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:39 (twenty-one years ago)

DAVE STELFOX MUST GO

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Matt, I wanted to go out with him soooooooooooo much. That's what made it so bloody annoying. (Of course, it was my fault; if I'd just said 'yes' instead of 'huh? what?' - because I DID hear him, I was just stalling - then WHO KNOWS? Except he's a bit of a twat these days I believe.)

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 25 July 2003 09:51 (twenty-one years ago)

N. must go first. this thread is your fault anyway, therefore anything that accurs as a direct or indirect result of it, such as my behaviour last night, is actually yr responsibilty anyway...

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 25 July 2003 10:01 (twenty-one years ago)

DAVE STELFOX IS MY HERO!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 25 July 2003 10:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I BLAME HSTENCIL!

oh wait, that's over with.

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 25 July 2003 12:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Threads like this lead me to conclude I've lived a very boring life, but otoh I don't feel like I've missed much.

― Larcole (Nicole), Friday, 25 July 2003 12:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Archel, I had a very similar situation--mumbling teenage boys are everywhere. He asked me to go out with him. I responded with "what?", the boy repeated himself, I asked him what again, and still not hearing him on the third time, muttered no, assuming that he was saying something unimportant anyway.

Luckily, that was cleared up later, much to my embarrassment, and he became my first high school boyfriend.

As for blatant come-ons, I haven't gotten anything more explicit than "wanna make out?". Though it's probably for the best.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:05 (twenty-one years ago)

If someone said "WHAT??" twice to a proposition of mine I would assume they had heard me perfectly well and were just trying to make a fool of me.

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Really, he was muttering horribly and I didn't hear him. It was all quite silly, and could have been completely avoided if he had just bothered to anunciate. Or if I had gotten out my swoony daze and listened harder, I dunno.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:25 (twenty-one years ago)

you should have just known... otherwise the relationship was clearly never going anywhere

(cue julia saying, "shut it stelfox, that's my huzband yr talking abt!")

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:30 (twenty-one years ago)

i was 15, and tremendously dense about such things i guess. i was very surprised about a cute boy showing interest in me. i kind of assumed that we were going out, though (we'd already been on a date, it was a going-steady kinda question), i just hadn't heard the words and then he got all insecure about it and it was kind of cute. but silly.

the relationship was very nice while it lasted.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I dog mounted my leg once. The more I tired to shake him off, the more excited he became.

Is this exactly the kind of reply you were hoping for, N?

― PJ Miller (PJ Miller), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Exactly, yes. I've only just realised I forgot to specify that I was talking about dogs.

― N. (nickdastoor), Friday, 25 July 2003 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Here, Haikunym. Stick this pickle in your butt. And you have to do it where we all can see.
-- Kenan Hebert (khebert...), July 25th, 2003 10:29 AM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 25 July 2003 15:06 (twenty-one years ago)

T/S: Pickleass vs. Cinnabutt?

― teeny (teeny), Friday, 25 July 2003 18:04 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...

On Sunday I spilt my drink over a girl and she looked a bit pissed off and scary so I said "Sorry - how can I make it up to you?" and she looked me in the eye and said "LICK... IT... OFF". Unfortunately I couldn't hear because it was really noisy, so I had to get her to repeat herself two or three times. Then I heard and muttered something week about a girlfriend.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:21 (twenty-one years ago)

It was a bad week.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Err - 'weak', yes. And I just got an email via ILXmail that just said 'hey baby

i wanna fuck you

- (man's name deleted)

But I guess that doesn't count.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I think that was meant for cozen.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:25 (twenty-one years ago)

You idiot!

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:26 (twenty-one years ago)

5:30 am. Drunkenly internetting. SOmebody with a login containing the phrase "oral swirl" IMs me "HEY DADDY". She says she has met me at one of my ex-band's shows, and considering how many girls I met at our gigs, I'm like "okay, sure". She's like "wanna cyber?" and I'm like "ew no wtf?" and then she's like "can I come over?" and I'm like "holy fucking shit...sure" and I'm totally hearing wah wah chicka bwow bwow music in the background and...

She never turns up, and I find out later that it's not some horny groupie but actually this asshat girl who hates me for no good reason whatsoever & her lesbian-using-her-powers-for-evil-rather-than-good friend using my drunken horniness as a vehicle for a cheap laugh.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Nickalicious is Seymour from Ghost World!

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:51 (twenty-one years ago)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:51 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, this is not very on-topic nor exciting but this is one of those threads where you click on it and search for your name to see if you actually did tell your story or not...

i'm pondering submitting mine... eek.
-- gygax! (gygax0...), July 23rd, 2003 1:52 PM. (gygax!)

Whew! Especially those of you who know how shy and dorky I am!

― gygax! (gygax!), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:52 (twenty-one years ago)

A female friend of mine was at a bar last week and met a dude. After introducing himself as Arthur, he then immediately asked, "Have you ever had sex with an Arthur before?"

― jaymc (jaymc), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:52 (twenty-one years ago)

When I was a freshman in college, I asked a girl out on a date. When I went to pick her up at her house, we realized that the movie we were planning on seeing had already started. So she suggested we go out for coffee instead. To which I replied: "Or we could just stay here and have sex!" I think she rolled her eyes. She was kind of annoying, anyway. She went on and on at the coffee shop about some lame band called The Why Store.

― jaymc (jaymc), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I have posted 300 times approx to this thread and have not told my story and in fact have told a downright lie in my first post! I just reread the whole thing thinking the same thing as you, gygax.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 2 March 2004 19:58 (twenty-one years ago)

"You're not afraid of chlamydia, are you really?"

Well, kinda.

― badgerminor (badgerminor), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:00 (twenty-one years ago)

ha ha holy shit I saw The Why Store in concert once UGH GOOD GOD like Hootie + Crash Test Dummies in one shitacular band

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I just wanted to repost this post:

what could be worse, finding N in a tub of popcorn or finding N in a (meat) pie?
-- Tad (llamasfu...), July 24th, 2003.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Is this one of those carnivores vs. vegan questions?

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha, Nick. If it wasn't already clear from my post, she went on and on about how GREBT they were.

― jaymc (jaymc), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:07 (twenty-one years ago)

is this the thread i posted the cheese fry story on?

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, it is still a classic.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:11 (twenty-one years ago)

From my friend who works at a deli's blog:

So at work this group of black ladies came by kosher and said....
Black Ladies - EW FISH DATS NASSSSSSSSSTY
Me - Ah don't knock it until you've tried it.
Black Lady - Honey, the only thing I wanna try is what you got under them clothes.
Black Ladies - WOAHAAAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOO WOOOOOOO

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:11 (twenty-one years ago)

black ladies are excitable

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:12 (twenty-one years ago)

you know, i still live in abject fear that for some reason my mother will google my email address and the word "cheese"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:15 (twenty-one years ago)

would any of you like to fuck me? :)

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Especially you, Jon Williams. You sound h-o-t-t. And I love Wolf Eyes!

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:17 (twenty-one years ago)

this thread was better as an artifact than as a living, going concern.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:17 (twenty-one years ago)

yer trife's wet dream, donna.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:18 (twenty-one years ago)

oh GOD

― @d@ml (nordicskilla), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Seriously. I'm actually only excitable re: Mclusky :)

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:19 (twenty-one years ago)

meet me at the kosher deli!

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Then there will be no porking!

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Who is this Trife? I'm a bit frightened but I can use my Corn Chip Nail Tips to ward him off

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:22 (twenty-one years ago)

http://i.myspace.com/67/58/488576/1737142_l.jpg

KISS ME!!!!!!!!!!

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm afraid I'm in the wrong time zone. And I'm not Canadian. And some othere reasons I haven't made up yet.

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

tad otm, re. artefact

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 20:38 (twenty-one years ago)

is this the thread i posted the cheese fry story on?
-- strongo hulkington (dubplatestyl...) (webmail), March 2nd, 2004. (dubplatestyle)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it is still a classic.
-- El Diablo Robotico (nicolew1...) (webmail), March 2nd, 2004. (Nicole)

I just went up and read it. I urge those of you who haven't read it to do the same. It's not just the tale, it's the way he tells it.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

It's a wondrous thing.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

You know, it's like a scene from American Pie or something. I can really see it in a Hollywood movie.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:32 (twenty-one years ago)

that is freakin' awesome.

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Nothing like that has ever happened to me. Why can't something like that happen to me?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe you're just not drinking enough?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, alcohol is the fuel of absurdity.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:39 (twenty-one years ago)

hilarious and depressing all over again, woo yay

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:39 (twenty-one years ago)

jess needs to submit that story somewhere and include that picture of tracer.

― bnw (bnw), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:41 (twenty-one years ago)

as always, a rush of shame and pride.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 21:45 (twenty-one years ago)

i was in crown heights and this skinny drug dealer grabbed my wrist and said, "i will pay anything to sleep with you. i only see your kind on tv. i can only get black and haitian girls. i got my own business, i got a bmw, i'll take you around the city--" at that point i was able to rip my wrist away, tell him i had a boyfriend (though i didn't at the time) and told him my name was jennifer (also a lie),...then i ran away.

actually, being that i'm southeast-asian, skeezy men tend to assume that i'd be willing to have sex with them in exchange for money...i don't know why, half the time i'm dressed like i'm going to the library or taking out the garbage than like a prostitute, but whatever.

― waxyjax (waxyjax), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Am I the only one who'd feel too embarassed to discuss anything like this here? Either for the person involved or myself?

I really am a prude sometimes.

Usually a really up-front proposition would make me laugh or think "weirdo", unless it was expertly delivered in which case I might lose all the blood from my head and die.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:13 (twenty-one years ago)

I MUST HEAR THE CHINESE TRAIN STORY!!

― Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:20 (twenty-one years ago)

a couple of times during manic and/or drunk spells i've asked girls if they want to make out/fuck. they never say yes.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Ian, the correct thing to do is to lie in the dark listening to records and smoking weed!

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I might lose all the blood from my head and die

Fucking hell Ronan, either you've got a small head or a big prick!

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:25 (twenty-one years ago)

JON THAT'S WHAT I DO MOST NIGHTS. WHERE IS THE PUSSY?

― Ian Johnson (orion), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Usually I've been the propositioner, and then boys run away. What's up with that? I thought you liked that sort of thing. at least that's what they said in the annotated "American Pie" shooting script.

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:28 (twenty-one years ago)

We like it in theory.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:32 (twenty-one years ago)

i can't imagine running away from a proposition

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I can, all too easily.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:33 (twenty-one years ago)

either that or get embarassed and start laughing uncontrollably, for no reason, the fact I am fucking unbelievably ticklish does not help this laughter when eh, things go beyond propositions.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:34 (twenty-one years ago)

can't believe I said that, but I had to get it out there.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:35 (twenty-one years ago)

whenever girls stick their hands down my pants (unexpectedly, and it's not like it happens that often) i burst out in laughter because it tickles so much :\

― Ian Johnson (orion), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Cold (wet) hands grabbbing limp drunk cock = giggles/duuuuuuuud

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Jesus, I never thought we'd be united like this.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:38 (twenty-one years ago)

that's not a very upfront proposition

― Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:39 (twenty-one years ago)

though tickle fights are right up there with pillow fights as a lead in to makin' out.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I think literally 40% of the people I hooked up with suddenly were a direct result of tickle fights, usually coupled with alcohol or DRUGS.

― LITTLE LAMB [Jon Williams] (ex machina), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:42 (twenty-one years ago)

booze is the great enabler

― the surface noise (electricsound), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Most of the time booze is the convenient excuse not to do anything except get boozed.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:46 (twenty-one years ago)

It's this love/hate relationship that makes booze the raft of lemons that it truly is.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 22:46 (twenty-one years ago)

just dont mix booze with processed cheese food. is all i'm saying.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:11 (twenty-one years ago)

preach preach preach

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:12 (twenty-one years ago)

okay fine, when you spew cheese and syrup all over some comely lass, you'll wish you had listened

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:13 (twenty-one years ago)

What in the jesus is a raft of lemons?

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:18 (twenty-one years ago)

It's what Huck Ginn took down the Mississippi.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I MUST HEAR THE CHINESE TRAIN STORY!!
-- Felonious Drunk (wangchungvsah...) (webmail), March 2nd, 2004. (Felcher)

come on then! Whoever tells this story - tell it NOW.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 2 March 2004 23:54 (twenty-one years ago)

I only get propositioned like that by hideously drunk people, so I don't really count that.
I sometimes feel awkward about asking people what time it is, so being upfront would have been completely out of the question for me.

-- Larcole (nicolew1...), July 24th, 2003.

I know I'm a bit late...but, hey! Get even! GET DRUNK!

I MUST HEAR THE CHINESE TRAIN STORY!!
-- Felonious Drunk (wangchungvsah...) (webmail), March 2nd, 2004. (Felcher)
come on then! Whoever tells this story - tell it NOW.
-- the music mole (colinsbarro...), March 2nd, 2004.

HURR ET UP *slams fist on desk* REEEEEWIND!

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:13 (twenty-one years ago)

woah dude are you DRUNK AS FUCK?

― Ian Johnson (orion), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I remember this one time at a Breeders gig in H-town, I kept on getting my ass grabbed by a drunk girl whose boyfriend was stoned and encouraged such ass-grabbing behavior from her missus. So I gave in and asked her coyly what the deal was...she wanted me to leave with her...Problem: I was with my clingy girlfriend, 3 hrs away from home, and had a test the following morning. I DECLINED LIKE THE FOOL I AM! The girl shrugged it off and kept on grabbing my ass, while my girl makes out with K3ll3y D4al. WTF?!!!! Is the world against me?!!!

― Fr4ncis W4tlington (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:18 (twenty-one years ago)

i don't think your girlfriend would have been into you leaving with another chick.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:22 (twenty-one years ago)

woah dude are you DRUNK AS FUCK?
-- Ian Johnson (johni72...), March 3rd, 2004

Rather unfortunately (and quite sadly, might I add), I act like this ALL THE TIME. (I actually tone down my flagrant personality a bit when I'm drunk; more because of lack of energy than anything else.)

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:24 (twenty-one years ago)

YEAH, I KNOW! THE DUMB BITCH!

― Fr4ncis W4tlington (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Is it possible to remove Phil from IL* if he doesn't tell the Chinese train story? Or can someone else tell it?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

This other time I was talking with a Tex-Mex hornee sexpot I used to be friends with and a had a huge crush on, rather unfortunately also (My life is teh sad affair.). I spoke my mind on Mickey D's breakfast burritos. Told 'er those were possibly the only one thing better than sex. She bluntly responded by telling me that was 'cuz I hadn't had sex with her. AWE AND SHOCK My Butthead instincts resulted in me uttering a prolonged "WHOOOAA" in disbelief and intrigue. In another occasion, I came back to my dorm room after a long jog and was sweating profusely. She knocks on my door, I open, I tell her I need to take a shower, and surprise!, she admits to loving the, and I quote, "odor of my man-smell" or something similarly nastÃ©. Wha happened, then? I ignored it both times. Why? Well, 'nother girlfriend o' mine assured me this said girl had a TAPEWORM down THEA...Word. How she contracted it apparently has to do with, uhm...petting her dog...often. Use yr imagination for the rest. Oh, and she had a bf who tried to off her a few times with no success, out of jealousy.

― Guess... (Francis Watlington), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 00:42 (twenty-one years ago)

On Sunday I spilt my drink over a girl and she looked a bit pissed off and scary so I said "Sorry - how can I make it up to you?" and she looked me in the eye and said "LICK... IT... OFF".

This happened to me at a party about a year or so ago in Croydon. Unfortunately said woman was middle aged, unwisely glammed up and Ivana Trump-esque, with gigantic breasts which were responsible for jogging my hand in the first place. I politely declined, then ran away. I think Stevem was in the room at the time, funnily enough.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 09:57 (twenty-one years ago)

so i said "Ivana as well but not here!"

(tumbleweed)

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 10:22 (twenty-one years ago)

if you're afraid to post it, phil, please just e-mail those of us who've asked for it. PLEASE!!!

― Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I also request the Chinese Train story, I need something to get me through the hot African nights.

Errr, just send me the damn thing.

― Barima (Barima), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, I ended up telling the Cheese Fry Legend to a couple of mates whilst really bored and sitting in someone's room. Left Jess' name out, obv. It really brightened the evening.

― Barima (Barima), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, I wish to subscribe to the Chinese Train Anecdote too. Send an email to my blog address. I've got some serious cheese fry in my pants to hear it.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:35 (twenty-one years ago)

N's tale astounds.

― the bluefox, Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I wonder I was.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:53 (twenty-one years ago)

haha, I wonder where I was.

― RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 20:53 (twenty-one years ago)

still waiting...

― Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 22:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I think it is just the spelling of 'weak' that astounds.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 3 March 2004 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

'lick it off' is the new 'don't try it'.

― cozen (Cozen), Thursday, 4 March 2004 00:29 (twenty-one years ago)

the last time i went to LSE's student disco (after finishing my masters there-- that's how old i was) i chatted casually to a guy about the music that was playing. later in the night, we started dancing, which kept getting closer and closer until i finally said, 'um, i think i'm old enough to be your mom!'. he said no way, he was 18 (i was 25 or 26) which was still enough of an age difference for me to freak.

so to solve the problem, he lifts up hius shirt to show the most amazing 6-pack i've ever seen. i have a serious weakness for nice abs. he then takes my hands and puts them on his abs to show me how solid they are. my knees go weak. he kisses me, i say that i just can't because he's too young, and i run out, thinking i'm being a good person.

of course, as soon as i left, i wondered why i'd left. oh well. he was pretty bold.

― colette (a2lette), Thursday, 4 March 2004 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Not sure if this counts. There was a guy I met at a function for twenty-something gayfolk; he was kinda cute in a nerdboy-makes-good sort of way but had a habit of being raunchy at inappropriate times. He invited me to a Halloween function which I forgot to go to, and I called him while I was at work to apologize and say hi.

Other Guy: Oh, you really should've come, it was so great! Donny the Punk was there...you know Donny The Punk, right?
Me: Uh, yeah. He writes for Maximum Rock & Roll, I think?
OG: Yeah!
Me: Cool! What's he like?
OG: He's so great! You should've been there -- he would've let you pee in his mouth if you wanted him to!
Me:...

― Michael Daddino (epicharmus), Thursday, 4 March 2004 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

On the tube last Saturday night - I saw 3 welsh queens opposite me; one was wearing reaslly nice jeans - stonewashed with two different hues of blue in cord mixed in* I plucked up the courage to ask him as I was getting off the train.

Me: Your jeans are very nice - where did you get them from?
Him: River Island. Yours are nice too...(looks at my crotch lewdly and then flicks his eyes up at me and raises eyebrows
Me: (mumbles) Er, no they're not, I got them in a sale in Rochdale...(exits train blushing)
His mates - come on you bitch...

The k-rub-ness of this story indicates what a sheltered and unpropostitioned life I have led. I was once told by a friend at a night club that her friend wanted to go home with me because the dress I was wearing turned her on (long story) but she was too shy (????) to tell this to me and had instead gone home on her own. I went home and cried and wanted to die etc.

* - (MEMO to ILX - I can't get these any more from River Island. I will pay good money for a second hand pair).

― Dav3 B (daveb), Thursday, 4 March 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Ugh, some guy asked if I would go back to his place, and if we could stop by a store so I could buy some leg-warmers and heels, and once we got back to his place if he could shave my my legs, and then I could trample on him, and if I could leave by 11 because that's when his girlfriend got home. WTF. I asked him why he just didn't have his girlfriend wear leg-warmers and heels and have her trample on him, but he didn't have an answer. and he lived on staten island.

(sorry, i really dont want to tell the chinese train story again. although now that i think about it, i wish it would happen again. the iranian guy was really hot)

― phil-two (phil-two), Thursday, 4 March 2004 19:48 (twenty-one years ago)

"i will pay anything to sleep with you. i only see your kind on tv. i can only get black and haitian girls. i got my own business, i got a bmw, i'll take you around the city--"

hahaha! was this the guy who told you that he owned The Park and Bowery Bar, but was actually just the barback?

― phil-two (phil-two), Thursday, 4 March 2004 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

with gigantic breasts which were responsible for jogging my hand

Jogging could be so easily misinterpreted. ;-)

― nathalie (nathalie), Thursday, 4 March 2004 20:10 (twenty-one years ago)

oh, the torture...

― Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Some girl I don't know messaged me asking if I'm as nickalicious as the name claims and I jokingly said 'in taste-tests 9 out of 10 people prefer nickalicious to other leading brands'. She replied 'when is good for you?'. I kinda have the fear.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Well I just wanted to know if you preferred weeknight or weekend, geez!

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:11 (twenty-one years ago)

ha ha you would never put the fear in me! unless i asked. and then i would still require you to use some form of lubricant.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Gee thanks, from now on "the fear" = "24-inch dildo".

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Except the God of my father, the God of Abraham, and the ~~fear~~ 24-inch dildo of Isaac, had been with me, surely thou hadst sent me away now empty.

Genesis 31:42

― Tep (ktepi), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:40 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Either way, I have THE FEAR.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), April 4th, 2002 5:00 PM.

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:41 (twenty-one years ago)

"from now on"... :-\

― gygax! (gygax!), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:41 (twenty-one years ago)

OK, this isn't exaclty *upfront* or anything, but . . .

two Christmasses ago, when I was still in NYC, I went to Minneapolis for the holiday and met a woman who'd emailed me for writing advice. she and a friend met me at a bar, and we went out to eat after a few drinks as well. the friend was had short blonde hair and a square-ish jaw, and she looked really familiar. at one point during drinks, she told me she'd lived in Seattle before and I said "OMG I know who you are! You're the crepe girl!" Turns out she used to serve me crepes at a crepe stand at the Pike Place Market. I'd thought she was hot but I don't hit on waitresses or food-stand workers as a rule and I had a girlfriend in Seattle at the time anyway. One day she'd up and disappeared from the job and I eventually stopped eating crepes there. Turns out Crepe Girl remembered me too, and we talked about that a bit.

Potential Writer had to go home but lived in the opposite direction of where I was going. (I was staying w/my family, who live out near the Mall of America.) I'd gotten cash to take a cab home and was dropped off with Crepe Girl in front of her apartment. I asked if I could come up and wait for the cab, and she said, "of course you can." we go up and she shows me around a little bit, noting that she only has a bed and a beanbag, no couch. then she turns around and says, "Now, I don't have a phone for you to call the cab with, so . . ." and because I am a genius I pulled my cell out from my coat pocket and said, "Oh, that's OK! I have my own! do you have a phone book?" I called the cab, it arrived, we gave each other a long hug goodnight, I got in, about about thirty seconds after we pulled away I went "FUCK!"

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

That hurts me in my heart, Matos.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 4 March 2004 21:56 (twenty-one years ago)

beanbag chairs = hot

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

the beanbag had a bunch of stuffed animals on it so I think the bed was the option there

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

the last I heard Crepe Girl moved to London. I really need to visit London and haunt restaurant kitchens (she's a cook).

― Matos W.K. (M Matos), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Time for a London FAP!

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:04 (twenty-one years ago)

wow, that's shakespearian in its tragedy.

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Many, many years ago, when I was sharing a house for the summer with my friend K4thl33n, a very cute friend of hers arrived from out of town one day about 5 in the afternoon--she was staying over for the night, but K@th wasn't going to be home until about 9. We got to chatting; out of nowhere, she suddenly declared, apropos of nothing, "GOD, I'm SO tired of dealing with these WIMP boys--I just wish SOME guy would tie me to the furniture and fuck me senseless. Like, no more flirty shit, I just want the train to go into the tunnel."

My brain was unable to process this. I changed the subject quickly. It actually took me several weeks to realize that I was supposed to act in response, and that it wasn't simply an observation about the state of her love life.

― oh dear (Douglas), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos = George Costanza.

Also, ouch.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos = George Costanza.

I was kind of thinking that as well.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Considering the fact that at school, my physical features have been made fun of in every possible way, I was surprised today to be greeted by a hispanic construction worker, "Ahh que LIIIIIINDA!" (Oh how beauuuutiful!). He was like 20 and I'm 14. Maybe it's the tight shirt. I offered him some of my brownie, and he gracefully took half of it.

― natasha lushina, Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Most polite!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 4 March 2004 22:55 (twenty-one years ago)

well yrs ago when i was in school i was crossing rd and some old guy asked me how much i wanted 4 sex i was so shocket then he said sorry love yr on r u

― Emma williams (Emma williams), Friday, 5 March 2004 00:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Matos's story kind of reminds me a little of a friend of Tom's. The last time we went to karaoke, there was a table of girls next to us who were totally enraptured by his skills at singing, uh, "Splish Splash" (they were also really drunk but regardless). The cutest one, who kind of resembled my friend Tara, wouldn't shut up about him and immediately starts chatting him up when he returns. She keeps hassling him to do a duet with her, and he asks her what song she was thinking of.

"Let's Get It On", she says with a straight face.

"That is not a duet!" he replies, and goes about his business.

Never have I been so amazed by the absolute density of men.

― Allyzay, Friday, 5 March 2004 00:18 (twenty-one years ago)

One time, after a company softball friendly with another firm, in battersea, I got talking to a girl about 'crash' parties, and she said "I just love waking up in some strange bedroom, it's quite exciting."

And then she paused and excused herself and I never saw her again the whole night.

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:11 (twenty-one years ago)

i once had a girl snog me within maybe 30 seconds of meeting her for the first time. however she was aware that i fancied her already (due to a mutual friend passing on said information), that probably helped.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I was thinking how sad and pathetic it was I had nothing to post here but I forgot about GUYS! Plenty of crap w/guys, offers of money for oral, money for cum, wait I must look like a male prostitute

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:17 (twenty-one years ago)

i have NEVER EVER been propositioned by a dude, despite more than a couple of girls thinking i was gay

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Well in fairness onnce WAS at a gay club, the other was just as I walked along at 3am or so tho

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:22 (twenty-one years ago)

even when i was in a gay club!

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:24 (twenty-one years ago)

it must be the sideburns

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Geez, that's really weird! Cos I was at this club w/like 4-5 women, too, and actually one of them (gay) leant on my legs and stared at me for about a minute, too. I used to be pretty hot, I guess. Does that count tho? Like if someone turns up to wherever you are and instantly just stares at you?

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:28 (twenty-one years ago)

At yr EYES obv, not at yr gimpy leg or horrible hair etc

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:30 (twenty-one years ago)

I was once propositioned by a stranger in a pub who said to me "I've just bet my friend a packet of crisps that you won't stand here and snog me immediately". She won the bet.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:36 (twenty-one years ago)

it's official. ILX is full of softcocks (myself included, probably)

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually, she lost the bet. I think. I'm confused. I didn't refuse her kind offer, anyway.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:43 (twenty-one years ago)

When I met my first girlfriend it was a bit formal-like proposition-wise. She kind of told me what she was about and without getting too explicit things moved pretty quickly from there.

― ipsofacto (ipsofacto), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh Jim OTM I never fully accepted any of these offers (I got somewhere w/money for cum guy, I guess, I was feeling charitable tho)

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 10:52 (twenty-one years ago)

was this @ fl3sh, ~~andr~~ mr mime? never been propositioned there (tho I've only been a half dozen times)

― etc, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes it was! And it was my first time, too. I'm so jealous of past Andrew sometimes

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:18 (twenty-one years ago)

A friend of mine went up to a bloke she fancied at the Scala this one time, and just said "I think you're gorgeous and I really want to fuck you - will you come home with me?" (or words very close to those). He did, and they're still together four years later. Awww.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:24 (twenty-one years ago)

haha have you got past-Andrew photos anywhere?

Nearly all of my getting propositioned has been nonverbal. Tho I'm remarkably dense (+ shortsighted, deaf, & LOST IN MUSIC).

― etc, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:35 (twenty-one years ago)

At least you feel so alive

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:39 (twenty-one years ago)

did you quit your nine-to-five?

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Quit yr jive

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

No I hated photos ALWAYS, even when I was a fox. You can maybe imagine it, anyway.

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

OH! IT'S MR MIME!

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 12:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought this was pretty tame, but a year ago I was out at Po Na Na in Manc celebrating a mate's birthday the night after failing to hand in my final year dissertation. We ended up getting funky and formed a circle on the dancefloor. While I was in the middle, some girl gave me a really horny look and while I wasn't exactly attracted to her, I also reasoned that I hadn't pulled in an eternity, so I ended up dancing with her. She started kissing me about 30 seconds in.

Around 2am, we were standing outside and saying goodbye and she asked me to a party they were having that weekend.

Me: "What's the occasion?"

Her, lasciviously: "A 'Dress To Get Screwed' Party."

Me, lying: "Um, I have finals in 2 weeks. This was my last night of partying."

She looked kinda crestfallen. I kissed her goodbye and ran after my bus.

Some other time in a non-gay club in London, I felt someone grinding against me from behind. Imagine my disappointment/creeped-outness when I turned around and it was a guy.

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahahah I'd have thought you'd have guessed!

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:17 (twenty-one years ago)

But Barima, clearly you are a man of passion or you would not be ground against.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd be disappointed too, guys are easy

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:19 (twenty-one years ago)

you people make me sick

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:26 (twenty-one years ago)

But Barima, clearly you are a man of passion or you would not be ground against.

There are only 2 kinds of people who recognise my 'man of passion' status - mentalist girls/women I don't fancy and gay guys.

Mr Mime, I know guys are easy, it doesn't make them more desirable!

Jess, fuck off.

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:27 (twenty-one years ago)

if i had as many people throwing themselves at me as you lot seem to, my dick'd have fallen off by now!!

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that what was making you sick?

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, lack of dick-falling-offage

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:29 (twenty-one years ago)

i'd feel sick if my dick fell off

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Sick Dick, Vol. 1

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:30 (twenty-one years ago)

seriously i think i can name two times in my life i've ever been "propositioned" period. if i didnt con people into "getting to know the real me", i'd never get laid.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

http://nowave.pair.com/no_wave/nyc_images/sickdick5.jpg

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

That ad is a parody, surely.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Jess I'm uglier than you, trust me. I'm just a little lucky sometimes.

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Which is perhaps not what you were implying, but it seemed like it might be.

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

oh can it.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Dick rot is the new 'fear'.

Jess, you can tally the number of times you've been hit on in this thread and add it to the previous 2. Will that help yer self-esteem any?

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

wait huh?

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

(ha ha the answer: "no")

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm deathly serious bro

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Cheering up strongo, pt. 2:

Jess, I'm better looking than you and I get no play whatsoever.

Better?

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:41 (twenty-one years ago)

much.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:43 (twenty-one years ago)

It's all up to those annoying OTHER PEOPLE, that pack of fucks

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I once walked into a club screaming "WHO WANTS SOME ACTION?!" at the top of my voice but the music still drowned me out. Then I got drunk and hit on all the girls there. They all ignored me. It was my uni 21st birthday celebration.

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

i went to chuck e cheese on my 21st. i think hitting on anyone would have been a crime.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha.

The next time anyone gives me suggestive looks, I'll just go up to them and say "Be upfront, I don't like this signalling shit!"

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:48 (twenty-one years ago)

I may start wearing a sign saying "Sweet, sweet loving for one night only (longer periods of time will be considered later)".

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:50 (twenty-one years ago)

But I'd only wear it to clubs. Besides, I suspect if I wore it to work, some of the guys would only be too happy to enquire.

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Two years ago, ATP at Camber. In the Queen Victoria, Wire have just come off stage. I'd been talking to this girl for under a minute when she said " Psycho is on the video channel. Do you want to come back to my chalet and stab me?" - which I took to be a euphemism, although the literal version is an interesting pick-up line as well...

My girlfriend, who was only a couple of feet away and talking to one of the people we were sharing with, found it most amusing.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

I am going to Mr C on my 21st.

This says everything about the level of interaction with the wider world I have.

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh can it

― Mr Mime (Andrew Thames), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I think someone should hit on me.

― cozen (Cozen), Friday, 5 March 2004 13:58 (twenty-one years ago)

cork it shrimp

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

WITH A RUSTY PLANK

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

a/s/l?

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:00 (twenty-one years ago)

weird xpost

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:01 (twenty-one years ago)

http://members.aol.com/Sucka000/Lesson1.gif

"Hey cozen, you look mighty cute in them jeans."

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

this is going ok.

― cozen (Cozen), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Barima works for Mr. T? Does he still pity the fool?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes.

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:07 (twenty-one years ago)

http://members.aol.com/Sucka000/Lesson2.gif

― Barima (Barima), Friday, 5 March 2004 14:12 (twenty-one years ago)

what the-- Mr. T is BEATING UP AMERICA!

― Nate in ST.P (natedetritus), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:33 (twenty-one years ago)

two months pass...

god i love this thread

i would love to hear the pete baran remix of the chinese train story

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 11:36 (twenty-one years ago)

His hand inside my pants. This was in Latvia. I was too scared to go on.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Holy shit, this thread is ILE's best. I still want the Chinese Train story.

― Barima (Barima), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Go up to them and tell them they need the blood of Christ in them to be saved, and that it's sexually transmitted.

― uh (eetface), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:22 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I got to hear the Chinese train story within an hour of meeting Phil. I gave him $5 champagne.

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:24 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, somehow i've still never heard it. no fair.

― colette (a2lette), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I remember being at a party over spring break my freshman year where a girl I had just met and thought was very very hottt (gothy gurl rowr) said goodbye to me by pressing me up against a wall and kissing the shit out of me. Naturally I wanted to stay but my bastard friends dragged me off because they wanted to leave. I never saw her again.

If I hadn't been staggeringly drunk, there would have been mucho ass-kicking, I tell you what.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan, those are not friends.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Phil was travelling thru Asia as you do and upon boarding a train in Beijing was confronted by an Iranian man who asked if he wanted to eat. Phil was very hungry at this point so took the gentleman up on his kind offer. The Iranian guy directed him to the buffet where they enjoyed some bean fried rice and pork balls. The funny thing was the Iranian guy actually asked for crispy duck. They both laughed about it afterwards as it turned out there was no call for crispy duck in that region and that the word for duck there also meant the same as ladder, so the buffet staff were a tad confused as to the man's request, hilarious no?!

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:32 (twenty-one years ago)

When I was 19 and in Munich, my friend and I were staying in this big tent with about 200 other people in the middle of a field, and I ended up wandering off with this dirty punk boy from Leeds and we had a Jagermeister-chugging contest on a playground, and it was about four in the morning and we were sitting in the grass and talking about America and suddenly he turned to me and said, "You can give me a blowjob if you want to."

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Did you?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:33 (twenty-one years ago)

What do you think?

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan, those are not friends.

Particularly since one of them was leaving the party because of embarrassment from having his own shenanigans cut short by having a hair trigger. SELFISH (premature) BASTARD.

(God, if he ever stumbles across this via Google, I am a dead negro.)

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:34 (twenty-one years ago)

That was very magnanimous of him, Kirsten.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:35 (twenty-one years ago)

He doesn't know Kirsten, that's why he asked....

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Haha, what is that supposed to mean?

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I meant Matt DC, not blow job boy!!!

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Anyway, I didn't want to and I didn't do it. We just stumbled back to the campfire and I made an ass of myself trying to play drums, and we drank some beer with an owl on the label and then he told me he was staying at the tent illegally because he hadn't paid in a week, so I let him have one of my wool blankets and he slept next to me and we drank some more Jagermeister and he spilled it all over the girl sleeping next to us, and in the morning she woke up and yelled, "Why the FUCK do I smell like licorice?"

x-post: Haha, I think?

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Should I have lied and said I did it? Would that have made this more interesting?

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, you could've been the ILX slut....

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Goddamn.

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:47 (twenty-one years ago)

As a sidenote, I hardly think that giving a blowjob to a boy I'd known for three hours would make me "the ILX slut."

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Really? Maybe I'm just too much of a prude ;0)

Um, can I refer you to my earlier posts upthread...?

― smee (smee), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 14:52 (twenty-one years ago)

ILXchixors - what's the quickest you've ever gone down on a stranger? Can *you* beat Kirsten's time?

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:04 (twenty-one years ago)

and the award for Most Unenticing Impromptu Contest goes to...

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Shut up, Mark!

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought I already held the ILX slut position. Is it being usurped?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Apparently it's being uslurped.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

see, what he's done there right, is...

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:54 (twenty-one years ago)

.. nothing compared to what he's done there wrong.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 15:56 (twenty-one years ago)

GK, I'm sorry, I should have said non-time. Where are all the usual suspects I expected to answer this?

― Markelby (Mark C), Wednesday, 5 May 2004 16:06 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...

Once I did bar work at a Desperate & Dateless Ball, and within 10 minutes of people arriving and summarily dumping their matches, women were swarming the bar asking us for a date. Two hours and much beer later, dozens of them were approaching us for 'a fuck.' If we could have obliged, we wouldn't have bothered because they were all dogs.

At a party in the early '90s, a hitherto straight guy got very drunk, pressed me up against a wall, said 'I'm not going to kiss you now,' and gave me the most passionate kiss you could imagine. Then he said 'I'm not going to fuck you now.' I ran.

Once at a party in a park in the middle of nowhere, a woman who looked like a Romanian shotputter sat next to me on a backless bench and started tickling my knob. Without thinking, I thrust out my arm and pushed her back, and she landed on her head. Everyone saw her fall, but they didn't know why, and she didn't tell them.

― Dirty Muriel (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 22:33 (twenty years ago)

said to me: "i'm from sweden, but i'll fuck you anyway." he was black.

― g--ff (gcannon), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 22:35 (twenty years ago)

cool!

― adam. (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 22:37 (twenty years ago)

I mean, I've used that exact line.

― adam. (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 22:37 (twenty years ago)

Me: "Are you being fucking weird because I didn't sleep with you in January?"

Her, "sweetly": "Of course!"

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 22:41 (twenty years ago)

There's a 40ish lady friend of mine who was divorced 3 times & lives alone. At parties she was describing being sex-starved. I guess what they call in Canada a "cougar." (Me = early 20's.) One day she invited me over to help move things. Being the first time visiting her house, she offered a tour. In the bedroom, she asked, "want to jump on the bed?" i did, like, really jump on it, and the frame came unscrewed and crashed to the floor. It was a really fucked up situation, so after screwing it back together, I had to leave. It was kind of a shame because it was not a bad offer but I screwed it up & couldn't get a second chance.

― Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ), Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:12 (twenty years ago)

Try again after her fourth divorce.

― Dirty Muriel (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:15 (twenty years ago)

i have a friend who was followed home from a pennsylvania bar some time during winter holidays (this was in college) by a bawling family man who claimed "he'd never done anything like this before" and thought he had "fallen in love" with him back at the bar. and he hadn't even noticed nor spoke to this guy there. AND they were out on the street in front of my friend's parents' house when this happened. i thought that was crazy.

― duke pennsylvania, Thursday, 19 August 2004 04:17 (twenty years ago)

One time I met a girl at a coffeeshop who asked me "out of curiosity" if I was circumcised. I didn't answer. She went on to talk about how she only slept with circumcised men. Awhile later, she asked me if I smoked weed, I said no, she said she didn't either and in fact only smoked when she was "in the mood". Awhile later she asked me if I played chess, I said I knew how, she said "well if you're not busy later maybe you could come on by and teach me how to play, maybe I'll smoke some weed, etc".

― Gear! (Gear!), Thursday, 19 August 2004 04:26 (twenty years ago)

i need to get out more.

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Thursday, 19 August 2004 04:53 (twenty years ago)

or, at all.

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Thursday, 19 August 2004 04:53 (twenty years ago)

I didn't smoke weed nor her ass that night, though, I excused myself from the conversation .

― Gear! (Gear!), Thursday, 19 August 2004 05:02 (twenty years ago)

A few years ago, a girl who worked at a coffee shop that I frequented leaned in and said, quietly, "You look like you'd be very pleasant to wake up with".

And, apparently, I was.

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Thursday, 19 August 2004 14:55 (twenty years ago)

I walked up to a girl in a club and said "I've never kissed a girl with a piercing there" (she had a stud under her lower lip) "Can I kiss you?"

It worked :-)

― mei (mei), Thursday, 19 August 2004 15:52 (twenty years ago)

I must try stuff like that more.

― mei (mei), Thursday, 19 August 2004 15:52 (twenty years ago)

I mentioned I work in a porn store- Last night, 3 young large ladies came in around 2AM. They wanted to go in the porn theater, but my co-worker told them the manager said not to let in women by themselves. (To stop prostitution busts or something.) Then he said "you can go in with an escort." The one girl who was really eager asked him to, and he said "sorry I'm working counter" and pointed to me. So she says, "I hope I don't have to go home all wet!" Me: "........" Well, I chickened out & she did leave. Later I felt disapointed. So from now on I'm going to wear two pins I got at a garage sale recently. One says "Celebrate national sex week- jan. 1 to december 31", and the other one says "ask to see my tool!" And if any creepy grampas ask, I have a steel multi-tool to show them. haha.

― Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZT!! BZZZZZT!! (Queen Electric Butt Prober BZZ), Sunday, 22 August 2004 23:09 (twenty years ago)

I wouldn't have noticed if it hadn't been absolutely shitting it down as I left work this afternoon, but it turns out I left my new umbrella in the Glasshouse Stores last night, drunken idiot that I am.

Anyway, I had no desire to walk to the station without it, so went straight to the GHS after work (getting SOAKED on the way, incidentally). I had to wait a while to get the barman's attention, and this South African guy, only about my age, is standing at the bar, looking totally fucked. I bought a pint and enquired about my umbrella, and while he looked around, the guy said to me:

"Wet, yeah?"
"Umm, yep. Its pissing it down out there."
"Yeah. I've been sheltering in here for the last four hours."
"Aaah, I just came in to get my umbrella. I left it here last night."
"You can have mine if you want."

At which point he smiled at me and I thanked him and politely declined. Anyway, he carried on talking at me, mostly, slurring words a bit, and touching me regularly, actually putting his arm round me briefly at one point. The barman was serving other people and by this point I was thoroughly desperate to get away from my new friend.

Eventually, the barman had a look behind the bar and there were about eight umbrellas back there, one of which looked like mine, but wasn't. I took it anyway (I am never buying an umbrella again, incidentally, if there's that many behind every bar). I thanked the barman, at which point the South African said to me -

"Absent minded, eh?"
"Yeah, evidently."
"Me too." (Leaning right towards me by this point). "One morning I left the house without realising I still had a bit of jizz on my face."

I've never left a pub in such a hurry in my life.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 25 August 2004 20:03 (twenty years ago)

Do you think it was his or someone else's?

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Thursday, 26 August 2004 03:39 (twenty years ago)

Hahaha rosemary asks the hard questions!

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 26 August 2004 03:50 (twenty years ago)

The most upfront proposition I've ever received was "Do you want to come back to my hotel and have a bottle of wine, smoke a spliff, have a bit of a fumble, y'know?" It was in the midst of a flirty conversation, so I guess it built up that way. I eventually obliged.

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 26 August 2004 03:51 (twenty years ago)

God, all the sexual propositions I get are so lame. Girl invites me back to smoke pot and then puts on the Strokes. I get annoyed and then eventually she gets to fumbling for my trouser opening so I'll shut up.

I hate you guys!

― ())(())()()()(()(LASER)()()()LA(Z)E(R)()()()((L)()()(A)(S(E)R()()()) (ex machina, Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:02 (twenty years ago)

meh no one ever propositions me. unless you count when i was working at a counselling centre in a kerbcrawler district - i used to get people slowing down for me when i was leaving work almost daily. not sure if i can take that as a compliment though.

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:13 (twenty years ago)

my friend once did an ah er study and she concluded that:

wearing skirt = 70% greater chance of cars slowing down for you/guys whistling at you/being propositioned by strangers (control: wearing jeans)

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:15 (twenty years ago)

ok when i say cars slowing down by that i mean thinking i was a prostitute looking for trade. i always found it a bit disturbing as i was usually wearing a suit and carrying an armful of papers and files.

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:16 (twenty years ago)

kinky!

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:18 (twenty years ago)

humph annoying more like. sometimes i threw a pen at their car as i said "fuck off you dirty perv"

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:19 (twenty years ago)

oh gem gem gemmy gem don't get so angry :(

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago)

wearing skirt = 70% greater chance of cars slowing down for you/guys whistling at you/being propositioned by strangers (control: wearing jeans)

hahaha uuughhhh

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago)

-- gem (gemily7...) (webmail), August 26th, 2004 12:16 AM. (trisk) (later) (link)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, my friend was asked if she wanted to audition to be an exotic dancer. that's pretty close.

― amateur!!!st (amateurist), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:22 (twenty years ago)

This girl I know was once walking down Sunset at night dressed pretty casual and this guy just kept following her, slowing down, gesturing for her to get in his car. She eventually went to a gas station and went inside and asked the attendant to get this jerk away from her, the attendant went outside, and the driver just couldn't comprehend that she didn't want to ride with him.

― Gear! (Gear!), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:28 (twenty years ago)

oh gem gem gemmy gem don't get so angry :(

i was never really angry, so much as little miss crankypants after it happened heaps of times. at first i thought it was really funny! as in, how did they think it was a good idea to approach a frazzled-looking chick in a cheap suit with a pile of newspapers and other crap under her arm, compared to the girls further up the street wearing hotpants and fm boots?

― gem (trisk), Thursday, 26 August 2004 04:28 (twenty years ago)

Maybe you actually looked appealing? :)

― Andrew (enneff), Thursday, 26 August 2004 05:21 (twenty years ago)

one year passes...

I want to hear more stories. Especially from geoff about the porn store but anything from jess has to be pretty good, too.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Friday, 17 March 2006 03:44 (nineteen years ago)

nutshell (which doesn't do it justice)

i used to work at a lodge in the mountains. one night, after hanging out with this girl and her friends all night, i gave up on the prospects of us hooking up. i walked the quarter-mile home (=a tiny cabin) in the dead of night and got ready for bed. five minutes after getting into bed, there's a knock at my door. it's her. says she, "you know, i was really hoping you were going to kiss me back there." says i, "uh, yeah, me too." it's 4am. she's just made the same quarter-mile trek down a rocky trail. she spends the night and it is awesome. i "wake up" at 6am and go to work.

she's getting married sometime this summer. ;_;

― gbx (skowly), Friday, 17 March 2006 03:58 (nineteen years ago)

oh wait. we hadn't just met. but the last time we'd seen each other/spoken was like 3 years previous, and we didn't know each other THAT well. does that still count?

― gbx (skowly), Friday, 17 March 2006 03:59 (nineteen years ago)

ha. i probably haven't thought about the kerbcrawlers since i posted that. no strangers have propositioned me in the intervening period either. not even men in cars. i must have lost my knack.

― gem (trisk), Friday, 17 March 2006 04:08 (nineteen years ago)

I am a guy with a belly button piercing. My alpha male friends obviously talk shit about it. One in particular. So, sometimes when we go drinking, we take a survey and try to find out if any girls would think a navel ring on a guy could be sexy (so far the score on my side is "0").

Last time, this girl asked to see it and she was like, "that isn't bad! that ain't bad at all! I don't think it's gay." and I said, "so, would you fuck me? would you? fuck me?" she said no.

and that is the most upfront sexual proposition i have made.

― Mickey (modestmickey), Friday, 17 March 2006 04:17 (nineteen years ago)

Did ILX ever get to hear the Chinese Train story?

― Cathy (Cathy), Friday, 17 March 2006 07:55 (nineteen years ago)

"...I'd thought she was hot but I don't hit on waitresses or food-stand workers as a rule"

-- Matos W.K., March 4th, 2004.

haha, that's as a really specific rule... I wonder does it include all women in retail/customer service or just those that work with food?

funny thread overall, too.

― scout (scout), Friday, 17 March 2006 08:47 (nineteen years ago)

The train story has never been posted, I don't think, but it is a very good story. It might be overhyped at this point, for the uninitiated, but it is very good. And I have tried to tell it, but it's not the same, so I don't try to tell it anymore.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Friday, 17 March 2006 09:10 (nineteen years ago)

it is overhyped, as a "story", but it is not disappointing:

oh, basically, in a sentence, i was drunk and delirious on an 80 hour 4th class train ride in china, and i jerked off (and might accidentally let it slip into my mouth) some hot iranian guy - and then he unexpectedly jizzed on my face. thats about it.

...

-- phil-two (philtw...), January 26th, 2006 10:03 PM. (phil-two) (link)

― RJG (RJG), Friday, 17 March 2006 09:32 (nineteen years ago)

In a group of people when almost everyone was heading home for the night, I turned to a girl I'd been talking to a bit and said "So, are you coming back to my place then?" She was taken aback, but obliged. It was good.

― Andrew (enneff), Friday, 17 March 2006 09:56 (nineteen years ago)

Ahh, the Feynman Maneuver.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 17 March 2006 10:13 (nineteen years ago)

RJG I'm really angry with you for doing that.

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Friday, 17 March 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

this is upfront but not very interesting - i once met a guy at work and we decided to hang out one night. we watched a movie and then he decided to kiss me and blurts out "to be honest, i want to fuck your brains out" and i just started laughing and had to go home.

― tehresa (tehresa), Friday, 17 March 2006 18:04 (nineteen years ago)

Nnot the most upfront, but the most surreal: At a gay bar of boring sordidness a couple of months ago, a friend of a guy I used to date struck up a conversation (we'd never met). We shared bitchy remarks about the club, the music, before moving on to comparing musical tastes. Upon hearing some of my favorite bands he said, "Sunrise is at 6:20 pm. It's 12:40 now. That means we have at least 5 hrs to enjoy music at your place." How this fool knew what time sunrise was mystified me.

I said no thanks. He was ugly.

― Alfred, Lord Sotosyn (Alfred Soto), Friday, 17 March 2006 18:04 (nineteen years ago)

And an idiot. There's no way sunrise was at 6.20pm.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

Also, was he a vampire or something?

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

most upfront sexual proposition i've received was at my grandmother's funeral - i was out on the lawn of the church and some local ruffians walked by. one of them threw a condom at me and asked, "wanna fuck?" - i should note here that i was 11.

― POOP BITCH (Mandee), Friday, 17 March 2006 18:21 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.threadless.com/subs/big/33293.gif

Just walk up and point to the shirt.

― Fluffernutter, Friday, 17 March 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

This latest slice from Mandee's juicy lovelife reminds me of another upfront proposition I've had made to me.

I was in the changing block of the hotel's swimming pool on a holiday in Cyprus when a man appeared. He told me it was more fun swimming naked and started trying to roll my trunks down. I made my excuses and left as I was not gay and only 12.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 19:02 (nineteen years ago)

It's possible I totally misread the signals and there was no sexual intent at all. If so, a belated apology to the Greek man. I know, it can be fun swimming naked.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 19:03 (nineteen years ago)

Alba, don't confuse gay with pedophile. Do you want to get reamed by everyone on this board? Also, anyone named "poop bitch" can't have a juicy lovelife.

― Socrates, Friday, 17 March 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

I am not confusing gay with paedophile! I couldn't very well have said "I made my excuses and left as I was not a paedophile and only 12."

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 19:19 (nineteen years ago)

I mean, if he'd been a woman I might have gone for it.

Not that I want to encourage any female paedophiles reading this to make a time machine and try it on with 12-year-old me. I don't think my consent would have been properly informed.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 19:21 (nineteen years ago)

can you legally give retroactive consent?

― ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Friday, 17 March 2006 19:23 (nineteen years ago)

I'd rather not.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 17 March 2006 19:42 (nineteen years ago)

Her: "All you want is a shag."
Me: "Well, yeah."
Her: "Okay."

I reproduce this only in the interests of bitter, bitter nostalgia.

― Why does the birds always shitting on me? (noodle vague), Friday, 17 March 2006 23:52 (nineteen years ago)

From back in January, an all-time classic.

"If you come in here with me you can watch me take a piss..."

Later, I found this was the only place in the house where her long-term boyfriend wouldn't have found us. I was unaware of his existence at the time, but suddenly it all made sense.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Saturday, 18 March 2006 00:23 (nineteen years ago)

not quite sexual but
turned 20 earlier this year
obviously ended up more than a bit shitfaced
girl who i'd made out/whatever with abt 3 months prior was hanging out
and to my drunk brain 'made out once' meant naturally 'make out again'
so i go up to her (story was retold to me as i ws rather ummmm) and just sit down. not saying anything for a solid 3 minutes just leering i suppose. and then rather suddenly

me: 'so, do i get a birthday kiss'
her: 'uhhh... no'
me: 'why?'

the next night i asked her what the reason she gave was (not in a hitting-on-you-again way but in a haha-oh-was-i-DRUNK-last-night way) and she told me but alas i was blacked out again at the time so i may never know

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:21 (nineteen years ago)

also freshman year i met my first dartmouth hookup by coming home trashed with one of my roommates and sitting down to watch tv while he passed out. a few minutes later my other roommate shows up with some girl i've never met. who once he goes to bed (a few seconds after walking in) proceeds to say 'so, i know we've never met, but i've seen you around the dorm and i think you're really cute. want to make out?' i obliged but the fact that she lived downstairs and as she later explained to said roommate that she 'just need[ed] to be promiscuous rt now' was fodder for an alternatingly awesome/miserable semester

ALSO about 2 months ago my band is opening for the hold steady and there is some very cute girl in the front row for our performance who i notice is kind of giving me eyes the whole time. during the hold steady's set i am drinking heavily and it comes up that she is from UVM and is here with some guys our guitarist knows. so naturally i violently insist to him that he MUST make sure she attends the afterparty at our house. we have managed to abscond with the college-funded and still mostly full keg at the venue and bring it to our house. anyway i am playing drinking games with my dad and a bunch of indie kids and the UVM train shows up. i invite this girl to play with me and after an initial awkward refusal a few minutes later she agrees. a scant 3 minutes later she kisses me and before i know it we have lost our game and my hand is down her pants and then bc my roommate is in the room we end up having sex in the bathroom. my dad saw the whole thing-- well the parts up to and including handinpants-- embarassing
(ps she was wearing a shirt that said 'i only sleep with the best'. i·ro·ny 2a. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.)

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:36 (nineteen years ago)

i guess the 2nd one wasnt much of a proposal although i was quite inebriated and i find it hard to believe that she just out and out kissed me so there must have been a bit of a proposal first right?

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:39 (nineteen years ago)

HAHAHAHAHAH WAS THIS ON MASS ROW, WTF

― gbx (skowly), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:49 (nineteen years ago)

ROCKET FUEL = KICKASS, AMIRITE?

― gbx (skowly), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:51 (nineteen years ago)

i kid.

― gbx (skowly), Saturday, 18 March 2006 02:54 (nineteen years ago)

hahaha you do NOT go to dartmouth

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 03:19 (nineteen years ago)

that would be strange

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 03:27 (nineteen years ago)

I used to!

― gbx (skowly), Saturday, 18 March 2006 20:42 (nineteen years ago)

Was your father proud?

― Erick Dampier is better than Shaq (miloaukerman), Saturday, 18 March 2006 20:56 (nineteen years ago)

xp gbx: haha not to derail this thread too badly or anything but what year were you? etc

you can gmail me if you want

― nervous (cochere), Saturday, 18 March 2006 21:31 (nineteen years ago)

forgive me ally

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 19 March 2006 01:12 (nineteen years ago)

I was going to make a high-toned reference to The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, and that bit where the lieutenant tells about his freaky dream, and then everyone is like, "Tell the train dream now!", and you never find out what the train dream is. But then RJG explained the story, so it doesn't work. Sigh.

― clotpoll (Clotpoll), Sunday, 19 March 2006 06:22 (nineteen years ago)

three years pass...

"You wanna?"

I was at the bike shop, picking up a lock. I made eye contact with a cute guy who was just finishing being rung up. Instead of leaving, he kept browsing and looking my way. As I checked out, he walked outside and waited. He said "Hi."
"Hi."
"Get a new lock?"
"Yep, what'd you get?"
"[?]"
"Cool."
"You wanna?"

Then we biked to my place and did.

― he's a light-hearted snake (Jesse), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:04 (fifteen years ago)

Whoa. Three years. I found this thread by looking for "cheese fry."

― he's a light-hearted snake (Jesse), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:04 (fifteen years ago)

ever made: guy in a group visiting left his jacket in my apartment, came back to get it 5 minutes later, i told him i thought he was hot and he should stay. was pretty surprised when he did :D

ever received: "can i...have you?" from roommate's creepy friend. Aaaah. NO.

― Maria, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:09 (fifteen years ago)

"can i...have you?"

holy

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:12 (fifteen years ago)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ae/If_I_Can%27t_Have_You-_Kim_Wilde.jpg

― HUH? not appropriate (snoball), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:14 (fifteen years ago)

I think it's the awkward silent pause before the "have you" that blows it. Maybe he was about to quote the Michael Bolton song and then tried to course correct but it came out all wrong.

― twice boiled cabbage is death, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:24 (fifteen years ago)

That line would only work if you went full Nosferatu with it, completely overdid the whole cape, spiky teeth, reaching hands etc

this is some thread btw

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:26 (fifteen years ago)

most upfront sexual proposition i;ve had probably a girl i'd talked to for about five minutes telling me to get up and follow her out of a bar to go get a taxi back to her place.

Never really given an upfront sexual proposition.

Most upfront sexual proposition I've seen: at a bar in a club with a friend, some girl comes up to my friend and grabs him by the junk.

― Pedro Paramore (jim), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:28 (fifteen years ago)

a few years ago i was having a group conversation w/a bunch of people i didnt know at a party on a roof and a girl that id been giving somewhat a hard time abt being a weirdo animal person said in front of everyone "so are you gonna fuck me or what" - she was drunk and sad - i said no

the most upfront ive been is offering to escort girls ive only just met that evening back to my place - but thats obvs fairly normal

― Adrian Langston became a fan of boners and Cervical Cancer. (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:37 (fifteen years ago)

i had a girl do the index finger rub in the palm of my hand once (is there a better term for that?) upon being introduced to me.
i was a little high and young and had no idea what was going on.

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:38 (fifteen years ago)

what is the index finger rub?

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:43 (fifteen years ago)

"That line would only work if you went full Nosferatu with it, completely overdid the whole cape, spiky teeth, reaching hands etc"

he at least said it in sort of a jokingly dramatic, rather than totally serious, tone. but it still came off totally creepy.

― Maria, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:43 (fifteen years ago)

actually yeah, there's no way it works. unless you are actually wearing a cape. and false teeth. and you are at a larp convention.

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:50 (fifteen years ago)

or a furry convention -

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:58 (fifteen years ago)

generally everything comes off creepy w/o the cape and teeth

― Adrian Langston became a fan of boners and Cervical Cancer. (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 19:59 (fifteen years ago)

At a gig (maybe Super Furries (lol) back in the olden days) - I was about 15. Some nerdy student guy came up to me (I was with two friends) and said 'do you want to have rampant sex with me'. He was kind of smug about it like 'look I bet you weren't expecting that'.
I think I just said 'er no' and carried on talking to my mates.

― Not the real Village People, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 20:19 (fifteen years ago)

what is the index finger rub?

oh, maybe it's the middle finger - but it's, you know, when you go to shake hands and one person sort of rubs their finger back and forth in the other person's palm.

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:02 (fifteen years ago)

and it's supposed to signify wanting to rub other parts against each other?

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:03 (fifteen years ago)

i dont think ive ever been engaged in a conversation where either party did any propositioning this direct

― max, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:05 (fifteen years ago)

Would you fuck me?

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XQD60snT1rA/SQkz6Rq8awI/AAAAAAAAAME/jCJB1fWP_JE/s320-R/JameGumb.jpg

― he's a light-hearted snake (Jesse), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:06 (fifteen years ago)

a friend of mine who grew up in far western virginia went to her high school prom with a guy who was a friend. in the limo afterward he told her, "i want to taste you," and she was all "what? eww."

she didn't realize the full insinuation until some time much later.

― mookieproof, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:13 (fifteen years ago)

I was at a club with a girl, and I realized the last bus to where I live was gonna leave soon. But we were having a great time, and she'd told me she lived very close to the club, so I asked if I could stay overnight at her place. Her answer: "Sure you can, but then you must fuck me." You don't really say no to that.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 21:35 (fifteen years ago)

aaand tuomas delivers as usual with explicit, yet somehow sweet.

― Maria, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:01 (fifteen years ago)

at a bar in cambridge mass usa this v drunk girl sat down and told me i had v pretty eyes and leaned in suddenly for a kiss but the whole thing was so poorly coordinated she got me right on the ear then fled out of embarrassment

― Adrian Langston became a fan of boners and Cervical Cancer. (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:02 (fifteen years ago)

literally ran out the bar

― Adrian Langston became a fan of boners and Cervical Cancer. (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:05 (fifteen years ago)

i dont think ive ever been engaged in a conversation where either party did any propositioning this direct

me neither

― mr. strawman spotter (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:07 (fifteen years ago)

well not with people I've just met anyway (girlfriends, sure)

― mr. strawman spotter (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:07 (fifteen years ago)

Last weekend in austin, I ran into a girl I used to see around often years ago. She was drinking wine with a group of friends, and she had been looking over at me all night. When her friend left, she came over and confessed that she had a crush on me for years. She then told me she was there with her boyfriend, but would like to see me at a later date. I told her I didn't want any drama, and she said, no drama, just one night.

― Jacob Sanders, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:09 (fifteen years ago)

suddenly i feel as i've lead a very uninteresting life

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, July 23, 2003 4:56 PM (6 years ago) Bookmark

― Cunga, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:10 (fifteen years ago)

do propositions made by dudes stumbling down the street while drinking out of a brown paper or black plastic bag count?

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:12 (fifteen years ago)

they are the sexyist of all

― Adriana Langstone became a fan of boners and Cervical Cancer. (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:15 (fifteen years ago)

if you can make out what they're saying.

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:15 (fifteen years ago)

only if you responded in the positive.

xpost ha ha!

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:15 (fifteen years ago)

With a group of friends in a pub, a girl I knew by sight but never spoken to, came over. She was obviously quite drunk. She looked at me for a couple of seconds and then declared "Come on then. I'm the best offer you'll get all weekend!" With that I hastily retreated to the gents.

― mmmm, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:23 (fifteen years ago)

theres a term for this where a girl comes onto you and then subs in her less attractive friend at the last minute - this happened to me once but it was done so unskillfully i was just like wtf is going on here why r u being extremely strange - it ended w/the one girl basically doing spokes model style hand gestures toward her friend being all u cant pass this up - i did tho - i mean be cool ladies no need to run such distasteful game

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:28 (fifteen years ago)

so are you going to tell us what this term is

― wtf?!? just randomly started crying! (HI DERE), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:29 (fifteen years ago)

"the whole thing was so poorly coordinated she got me right on the ear then fled out of embarrassment"

awww i have done this! the first part anyway, missed due to nerves/darkness. i chose about a few seconds of awkward laughter and then getting back to it over flight, though.

― Maria, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:30 (fifteen years ago)

i cant remember - my friend gabe called me up the next morning all indignant like we got {X}ed last nite

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:31 (fifteen years ago)

games only work if they are impish/coquettish and rely on mutual understanding - games which involve deception and subterfuge are not what a decent person wants to be getting involved with

as for my own answers to this question, uh......well, there was that one time at that climate protest

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:34 (fifteen years ago)

games which involve deception and subterfuge are not what a decent person wants to be getting involved with

like the Crying Game?

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:35 (fifteen years ago)

bravo

― jazzgasms (Mr. Que), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:36 (fifteen years ago)

like the crying game. but more like that thing jho describes

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:36 (fifteen years ago)

does jho know all there is to know about the crying game?

― sarahel, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:36 (fifteen years ago)

prolly--dude's seen it all

― jazzgasms (Mr. Que), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:37 (fifteen years ago)

it was a dude rite

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:37 (fifteen years ago)

he knows

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:38 (fifteen years ago)

god bless us, every one

― what u think i steen for to push a crawfish? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:40 (fifteen years ago)

daaamn cant believe that chick was a dude

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:40 (fifteen years ago)

once after a show this boy was trying to chat up me and my friend and it was clear a dismal upfront proposition was pending so i invented a friend called angelique that we had lost in the crush, i said have you seen her, and i described her shining cascade of blond hair and long tanned legs and large breasts and tiny clothes and he dumped us for her, he became cold and dismissive and he craned his neck and wildly scanned the crowd.

― estela, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:52 (fifteen years ago)

estela can i make the upfront proposition that your posts be delivered in gold font

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:54 (fifteen years ago)

that's brilliant! kind of amazing that it worked.

― Maria, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 22:59 (fifteen years ago)

games which involve deception and subterfuge are not what a decent person wants to be getting involved with
like the Crying Game?
― sarahel, Wednesday, December 9, 2009 2:35 PM (22 minutes ago)

there is an ilxor who pitched (runs?) a pornsite with this exact same premise!

― ~~dark energy~~ (Steve Shasta), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:00 (fifteen years ago)

xpost

That's fantastic.

― Cunga, Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:00 (fifteen years ago)

there is an ilxor who pitched (runs?) a pornsite with this exact same premise!

waht

― what fun it is to reign & sing a Slayer song tonight (Curt1s Stephens), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:07 (fifteen years ago)

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:RV5x5mDTaII96M:http://img.ziber.org/epic/surprise_buttsex.jpg

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:08 (fifteen years ago)

haha, i had to verify. it was pitched but never launched.

― ~~dark energy~~ (Steve Shasta), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:33 (fifteen years ago)

unnamed ilxor plz come forward and share yr story

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Wednesday, 9 December 2009 23:34 (fifteen years ago)

A couple of years ago some guy - a friend of a friend - who I had just met and who was very very drunk at the time decided that my "puss needed filling" and said he would be honored to take care of the matter. Yeah, pretty classy.

― ★彡☆ ★彡 (ENBB), Thursday, 10 December 2009 00:54 (fifteen years ago)

holy wow

that is some next-level nonsense right there

― wtf?!? just randomly started crying! (HI DERE), Thursday, 10 December 2009 00:56 (fifteen years ago)

"my husband is in prison".

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 00:56 (fifteen years ago)

xp wow, i will remember that line

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 00:56 (fifteen years ago)

lol @ crossposting http://waxidermy.com/bbs/viewtopic.php?t=26895

― ❝♪♬♩❞ (electricsound), Thursday, 10 December 2009 00:58 (fifteen years ago)

My old boss' nephew once totally seriously informed me that if I fucked him for the summer, he would take me on a two week shopping extravaganza to Dubai. This was right after he informed me that his nickname was "The Chocolate Wand".

― ★彡☆ ★彡 (ENBB), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:01 (fifteen years ago)

I have a really mild-mannered slightly nerdy looking friend who obviously radiates some kind of freaky sex pheremone because he's always getting these kind of offers. On a skiing trip last year he repeatedly turned down a threesome with an (in his version of events) attractive young Austrian couple, despite their insistence that he would be sure to enjoy it very much.

They passed him the next morning linked arm in arm with another guy, and he nodded politely while hurrying by. They conferred briefly before turning around and shouting "YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE" in thick Austrian accents across the street at him.

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:06 (fifteen years ago)

hahahahahahahaha i am browsing thru this wondrous thread in leisurely style in another browser window but dmac that is as good as anything here

― 102. LJ: British. 5. (acoleuthic), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:09 (fifteen years ago)

I always attract really trashy drunk girls at the right time for this to happen now and again, it's a "thing" I have.

― Worse Lieutenant (King Boy Pato), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:15 (fifteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymucqmjJs20

― estela, Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:25 (fifteen years ago)

I'm safe from your vid zings at work, lady!!

― Worse Lieutenant (King Boy Pato), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:28 (fifteen years ago)

― estela, Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:30 (fifteen years ago)

how was dubai erica

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:36 (fifteen years ago)

haw. I wouldn't know. The Chocolate Wand was so gross in so many ways.

― ★彡☆ ★彡 (ENBB), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:42 (fifteen years ago)

o u saw it?

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:42 (fifteen years ago)

strong zing

― Astronaut Mike Dexter (Jimmy The Mod Awaits The Return Of His Beloved), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:42 (fifteen years ago)

couldnt take it for a whole summer huh - too magical

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:43 (fifteen years ago)

lol @ crossposting http://waxidermy.com/bbs/viewtopic.php?t=26895

― ❝♪♬♩❞ (electricsound), Wednesday, December 9, 2009 7:58 PM (45 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lool the internets

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:43 (fifteen years ago)

LOL dara well played.

(def didn't see it. def too magical)

― ★彡☆ ★彡 (ENBB), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:44 (fifteen years ago)

btw it wasnt a txt message it was a gchat

me: gabe whats the term for when a hot girl hits on u then tries to sub in her ugly friend at the last minute
Gabe: oh jeez I forgot. but I know there is a awesome word for it... hmm damn.
5:33 PM its almost at the tip of my brain.
5:34 PM me: its like shepherding or something rite
5:38 PM Gabe: that does not sound like it
me: its is an animal name tho?
5:39 PM hosre trading
Gabe: yeah I think so
I am asking around

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Thursday, 10 December 2009 01:47 (fifteen years ago)

I love this place.

― krakow, Thursday, 10 December 2009 11:11 (fifteen years ago)

"bait and switch"

― special vixens unit (suzy), Thursday, 10 December 2009 11:14 (fifteen years ago)

"awe and shock"

― Mark G, Thursday, 10 December 2009 11:15 (fifteen years ago)

shock and awwww the morning after

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 11:17 (fifteen years ago)

a really mild-mannered slightly nerdy looking friend

btw this is the type of guy i would proposition
this may also be why it succeeded in my one attempt so far

― Maria, Thursday, 10 December 2009 13:35 (fifteen years ago)

Hey me too! No wonder it doesn't work if we're all doing it ;_;

― brett favre vs bernard fevre, fite (a passing spacecadet), Thursday, 10 December 2009 14:18 (fifteen years ago)

i must ask him if he remembers you

― Louis Cll (darraghmac), Thursday, 10 December 2009 14:19 (fifteen years ago)

In my brief college days I once fended off a bj on the lawn in front of the fine arts building.

― retrovaporized nebulizer (╓abies), Thursday, 10 December 2009 16:58 (fifteen years ago)

Am now imagining disembodied oral sex for some strange reason.

― l'homme moderne: il forniquait et lisait des journaux (Michael White), Thursday, 10 December 2009 17:07 (fifteen years ago)

holy shit the cheese fry story

― super sexy psycho fantasy world (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Thursday, 10 December 2009 17:36 (fifteen years ago)

i am loling at the mental image of "fending off" a bj

"stop it! stop it!"

― what u think i steen for to push a crawfish? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:09 (fifteen years ago)

why do these faggots keep sucking my dick!

― Richard Snorkeling (ice cr?m), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:11 (fifteen years ago)

your cheese fry

― super sexy psycho fantasy world (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:11 (fifteen years ago)

Am now imagining disembodied oral sex for some strange reason.

Shades of Re-Animator

― Cronenberg sleazy (kenan), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:12 (fifteen years ago)

I can see fending off a person but fending off a blow job sounds odd to my ears.

"There sure are a lot of blow jobs out there today! I wonder if my wife will notice if I don't wear bj repellent?"

― l'homme moderne: il forniquait et lisait des journaux (Michael White), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:33 (fifteen years ago)

"look out for that blowjob!"

― a triumph in high-tech nipple obfuscation (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:35 (fifteen years ago)

when blowjobs attack

― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:43 (fifteen years ago)

sounds like an adults-only "Dirty Jobs" episode

― wtf?!? just randomly started crying! (HI DERE), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:43 (fifteen years ago)

Sounds like parts of Bangkok to me.

― l'homme moderne: il forniquait et lisait des journaux (Michael White), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:46 (fifteen years ago)

i am loling at the mental image of "fending off" a bj
"stop it! stop it!"
― what u think i steen for to push a crawfish? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Thursday, 10 December 2009 22:09 (37 minutes ago)

More or less how it went down! She'd already propositioned me to go back to my apt a couple times and I must have been too polite in declining her cuz she just decided to go for it. It was just...ew. 1) Hi we're in public 2) You just showed me yr x-bfs school photo in which he was in full Juggalo paint and that really really frightens me and also 3) you are kinda gross and 4) DID I MENTION THAT IT IS BROAD DAYLIGHT. On top of having already declined her once or twice. She was probably joking and wouldn't have actually completed the act in public, but I'd heard...some stories...seen her proposition dudes in similar fashion and head back to their dorms with 'em...seeds of doubt.

― retrovaporized nebulizer (╓abies), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:02 (fifteen years ago)

I dated a girl from her home town a few years later who told me a story about said bj bandit'd ex-juggalo-bf where his friends had to stop him from getting clown paint tattoo on his face at an ICP show. Was very impressed.

― retrovaporized nebulizer (╓abies), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:05 (fifteen years ago)

"bandit's"

― retrovaporized nebulizer (╓abies), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:06 (fifteen years ago)

Got offered $50 for a blow job, should've taken it

Guys're always offering me money actually

― The reverse TARDIS of pasta (Niles Caulder), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:21 (fifteen years ago)

(Steps on Montreal flophouse near Ste.-Catherine and St.-Laurent. Young woman and pimp-like man sit on the stoop, with a medium-sized teddy bear also on the stoop.)

YOUNG WOMAN: Hey, want a date?
ME: No thanks.
OLDER MAN: How about a big stuffed bear?
ME: Just me and the bear alone, no funny stuff?

― Action Orientation (Eazy), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:32 (fifteen years ago)

lol

― an terror has occurred (sic), Thursday, 10 December 2009 23:58 (fifteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

My friend C was at 80s night, getting her dance on when some chick comes up -

Stranger Girl: "You look like a librarian."
My Friend: "Yeah, I get that a lot...the glasses, etc..."
Stranger Girl: "...a librarian that needs to be fucked!"

The best part of this is that you could adapt it to almost anything, assuming the person looked like anything. My friend is straight and passed on the offer.

― Doctor Casino, Monday, 28 December 2009 22:43 (fifteen years ago)

woh, i have so many of these that i could do my own thread.

― And now my dick is where? Oh, this is too rich (the table is the table), Monday, 28 December 2009 23:00 (fifteen years ago)

i think the best was when i was at the infamous Gangway on Larkin & Geary, getting my first drink at the bar, and a guy just stuck his hand down my pants and started giving me a handjob. he didn't even say hello to me until i was hard.

― And now my dick is where? Oh, this is too rich (the table is the table), Monday, 28 December 2009 23:02 (fifteen years ago)

oh, gaypaws

― ice cr?m, Monday, 28 December 2009 23:05 (fifteen years ago)

I don't remember this at all, but apparently a bunch of years back I was leaving a party really, really drunk, and a friend introduced me to some guy. I just said to him, "Hello, you're a very attractive man, but I have to go now. I'll talk to you about having sex tomorrow."

― sandy, Monday, 28 December 2009 23:36 (fifteen years ago)

http://images.starpulse.com/Photos/Previews/SpongeBob-SquarePants-p47.jpg

― just settled down for a long winter's blap (Whiney G. Weingarten), Monday, 28 December 2009 23:38 (fifteen years ago)

hello yes im call re: our appointment to discuss having sex

― ice cr?m, Monday, 28 December 2009 23:48 (fifteen years ago)

lol!

― what u think i steen for to push a crawfish? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Monday, 28 December 2009 23:50 (fifteen years ago)

yes that right, im the drunk girl who touched yr hair last night

― ice cr?m, Monday, 28 December 2009 23:51 (fifteen years ago)

woh, i have so many of these that i could do my own thread.

ikr? it's kinda touching that this seems to be a rare enough occurrence that it merits noting for non-gays.

― lex pretend, Monday, 28 December 2009 23:58 (fifteen years ago)

As much as straight guys are cool around us gay dudes, it still surprises a few of'em when we get flirty and even hit on them -- that's what guys do!

― Hell is other people. In an ILE film forum. (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:00 (fifteen years ago)

When I was a shy teen dork with a mohawk I was walking through the city one time, and this old-school punk girl introduced herself by saying, "Can I have you?" Nervous and shocked, I replied, "What for?" "Dirty sex." "Um...sorry, I have to go."

― sandy, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:02 (fifteen years ago)

a friend and i are currently trying to persuade a straight boy to come to a gay bashment night with us - it is proving to be something of an uphill struggle, even the most open-minded dudes are making excuses with a quickness!

― lex pretend, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:05 (fifteen years ago)

(it's for a project)

― lex pretend, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:06 (fifteen years ago)

sandy, i hope your hair tottered when you spoke.

― estela, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:06 (fifteen years ago)

No doubt.

― sandy, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:08 (fifteen years ago)

i once got rid of a crude proposer by asking him agreeably if he minded waiting for a minute while i went and drained my catheter bag.

― estela, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:13 (fifteen years ago)

(it's for a project)

Is this like a "get a 'straight' man to have sex with you" project? I've heard a rumor that you get a free toaster at a local bar if you complete that "project."

― mh, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:33 (fifteen years ago)

gays u r next level, i salute u

― ice cr?m, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:38 (fifteen years ago)

damn right.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlrkUmMk3U4

― And now my dick is where? Oh, this is too rich (the table is the table), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:44 (fifteen years ago)

I used to have to walk down this real cruisy stretch of road to get to work, and one day this older guy just started talking to me and within 30 seconds was like, "Come back to my place." I politely declined but he was real insistent, and added, "It'll only take five minutes." Could not understand why he considered that something that would make his offer more appealling, but he did shout it at me repeatedly as I walked away - "Just five minutes! Just five minutes!"

― sandy, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 00:57 (fifteen years ago)

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