Tell me your favourite bad joke

What's blue and triangular?
An orange in disguise.

What's orange and round?
An orange in a crap disguise.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

you oscillate its tit a lot

set it on fire and it will go "woof".

'ell if I know...

"i can clearly see you're nuts"

Anyone can Roast Beef.

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, you have a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of your pants." The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

to get to the other slide

Right where you left him.

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

a retarded snowflake.

not being retarded.

(sorry about that one; I know it's horribly tasteless)

http://www.se7en-x.com/argue/argue.jpg

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Grace.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it with Holy Water at the Vatican," says sister Grace.

Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Grace.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off my car!"

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

The next day a truck pulls up to Macy's -- holding a spool with several thousand miles of ribbon. Naturally the buyer's like "What the fuck? I told you... from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

The salesman: "The tip of my penis is in Poland!"

To stomp out forest fires.

To stomp out flaming ducks.

They're all sea students.

farming store guy says, "well this here is a chicken. you'll need one of them to lay eggs. us farm folk call them pullets."

"ok, what else do i need?"

"this here is a donkey. this will help you move heavy stuff all around your farm. us farm folk call them asses. becareful with this ass. he's really stuborn and sometimes he just up and stops walking. to get him to move again, you'll need to scratch his belly."

"anything else?"

"you're also gonna need a rooster to wake you up in the morning. us farm folk call them cocks."

so the young man walk away from the farm store with the chicken in one arm, the rooster in the other and the donkey follwing close behind. all of a sudden, the donkey stops walking and the man doesnt' know what to do. if he scratches the donkey, he'll have to let one of the birds loose and it'll get away. just then a really pretty girl walks by and the man says to her, "could you hold my cock and pullet while i scratch my ass?"

Your dick, silly!

when it's folded in half

acne waits until you are twelve to come all over your face.

The girl behind the counter sprays Thibodeaux's wrist and he says, "mmm, meh, dat smells nice. What is dat called?" The girl tells Thibodeaux it's called 'Come to Me'.

Thibodeaux puts his wrist to Boudreaux's nose and says, "meh, Boudreaux? Dat smells like come to you?"

how do you know if there's an elephant hiding in your cupboard?
all the peanut butter's gone.

who's there?

the interrupting cow

the interrup *MOO*

(okay that one works better orally, but whatever, it makes me laugh every time)

national dyslexics association

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him no where."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
...

...

...

SUPPLIES!!

This one was dead clever.

I love MOST of this thread. Aside from a few truly tasteless "jokes", the rest were real keepers. Luna, LOVED the nun one!! I actually can picture real-life nuns in that scenario. ;)

please don't hurt me

How is sex like poker?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

John Wayne : "The 'Brown Paper Cowboy'? Why do they call him that?"

CK: "Well, his hat is made from brown paper. And his shirt, too. And his waistcoat. He wears jeans made from brown paper, and brown paper chaps. And his boots - they're made from brown paper too"

JW : "What's he being hanged for?"

CK : "Rustling"

"Well, me and your mom are playing poker, and she's the wild card!"

Some years later, Pepé walks in on his brother and girlfriend having sex. "What's going on?"

His brother pauses and looks at Pepé. "Numb nuts, hasn't dad ever told you? Me and Tammy are playing poker and she's the wild card!"

A few months later, Dad and Brother find the bathroom door locked. They break it open, and there's Pepé, sitting on the toilet and pleasuring himself.

"Pepé!" the father shouts. "What are you doing?"

"I'm playing poker!" Pepé replies.

"But, where's your wild card?" his brother asks.

"With a hand like this, who needs a wild card?"

You give it to a 12-year-old.

Thick custard.

this blancmange ----------->

enough with the lesbian jokes though, Bring on the science geek jokes!
I know there's a great maths one I can't remember, I like this though:

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...

All the stools are upside down.

???

how many feminists does it take you change a lightbulb?
that's not funny.

finally she tells them. "mama and papa, there's no way i'm going to marry any of your fancy suitors. i'm in love with dan rather"

her parents are furious. there's no way they're going to let their daughter marry him.

so she cries and cries and asks, "but why won't you let me marry dan rather, i love him"

her fater says, "because he's a common tater"

One, to hold the light bulb as the world revolves around them.

green.

nice belt.

Shredded Tweet.

Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too
tight to mention...

Beatle Juice

"i'm sorry," she says, "i don't date mushrooms."

"why not?? i'm a fun guy!" sez mushroom.

....lager, please"

Barman says "why the big pause?"

limp bizkit.

because it was dead

What do you call it when a long fish didn't quite make it?

- he eelmost made it.

What do you call a young cat with crap all over it?

- A shitten.

What is the most talkative condiment?

- Mayosays.

What do you call a gay man when YOU have a cold?

- a hobo.

What should you use to write down that you just took a dump?

-a number 2 pencil.

Where do you leave a hair pie to cool it off?

-on the vagisil.

What do you call it when you have your name written on your breasts?

- Identitties

What do you call it when a lumberjack farts?

- He cut the trees.

What do you call a piece of crap that is horizontal, up against an erect penis that is vertical?

- Poop-and-dick-cular

What do you call some guys with large backbones who sodomize pettite people?

- Spinal men-in-tight-ass

What do you call a fast food chain that gives you gas?

-Burper King

What do you call it when you are worried that someone has a tumor?

- You are cancerned about him/her

What do you call a chinese homosexual?

- A gasian.

What do you call it when you press your tits onto someone's balls?

- Chesticles.

What do you call a lesbian who drives around in a Ford Winstar full of dimembered penises?

- A Dick-Van Dyke.

What do you call the female child of the woman who helps you while you're pregnant? Also the woman is from Boston and the child
is sort of oddly tall shaped.

- My doula's oblong daughtah.

What did the hillbilly jewish guy say when his mother got sick and he didn't care?

- Ma's ill? Tough!

What do you call it when you kill yourself by letting too many animals in your house?

- Zooinsid

What do you call an infant who has been raised by homosexual parents? - A gaby.

What do you call it when you go out with a woman and you force her to eat pancakes? - Date crepe.

What do you call a nun who you don't like? - A nunt.

Why can't a soldier look whistfully at the ocean? - Because there's no Gaze in the military.

What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls? -A Dogsn't

*incredulous stare*
you mean you don't know??

Man: "Doc, I keep getting these awful headaches and I don't know why."
Doctor: "Hmm. Do you masturbate?"
Man: "Yes."
Doctor: "Great, isn't it?"

etc etc

- My doula's oblong daughtah.

kinda pushing it, don't ya think?

After this buildup, you don't really need the response!

-- Curt1s Stephens (sevenxvii...), September 27th, 2003.

No, I do. I don't get it.

*incredulous stare*
you mean you don't know??

I love this joke so much.

Q: Did you hear the latest joke?
A: Neither did I. It's not out yet.

Did you hear the racist joke?
Q: Two people, a black guy and a jewish guy, fall off the empire state building. Who hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?

A - Coz he was kneading a shite....

if you've got a group of friends together you can copy this down exactly as written and ask one of your buddies to read it quickly, without pause (they're gonna be a sucker btw)...

"i am we tarred it. i am sofa king we tarred it"

*awkward pause until they realize the jokes over*

(sadly, this is also my best joke)

"Dude!" he yells "What the hell's going on?!"

"Aww. Not a lot. Playing with this band. We have a gig this Friday night..."

She'll blow your mind.

Q: How many Cardassians does it take to change a light blub?
A: Four, because THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

Q: How do you know if you've got A.D.D. ?
A: Wanna ride bikes?

Q) Why don't they let disabled people work in call cantres?

A) Because they might ming the mong number!

Q: Whats the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?

A: There's twenty of them.

The surgery was a success. He looks perfectly normal. Well, a little cock-eyed, but otherwise ...

A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

"college boy" graduates, thinking he's going to get a high-paying job in upper management. After two months of rejection, reality sets in and he goes to WalMart to get a job.

Lucky for him, they have an opening. The personnel manager says, "you'll be over in sporting goods."

Having regained some confidence, he hears this as "You'll be over sporting goods."

He swaggers over, kicking butt and taking names. "This display is all wrong." "Tuck in your shirt." etc..

The manager of the department comes over and knocks him down a few pegs. "Listen, junior. You ain't shit. Go sweep around the boat, and don't fuck anything up."

He spends the morning working hard, tail between his legs. At lunchtime, the manager comes over and says, "Okay college boy. I'm going to lunch. You think you're so great, you run the place while I'm gone. And don't fuck anything up."

When the manager gets back from lunch, he notices that the boat is missing. "College boy! Where the FUCK is the boat?!"

CB: "I sold it."
M: "You fucking sold it.?"
CB: "Yep"
M: "A guy just walks in here and says 'I want that boat'?"
CB: "No. I sold it to him after he bought a fishing pole."
M: "So he wanted to buy a fishing pole, and you sold him a boat?"
CB: "No, I sold him the fishing pole when I sold him fish hooks."
M: "He wanted hooks and you sold him a fishing pole and a boat?"
CB: "When he was picking out bait, I asked him if he needed hooks."
M: "He came in here for bait and you sold him hooks, a fishing pole and a boat?"
CB: "No. He came in here for tampons. I said, 'well, your weekend is shot. Why don't you go fishing?'"

"My friend just had a heart attack. I think he might be dead. What should I do?"

"Well, the first thing to do is to make sure that he's really dead," the voice replies.

The hunter puts down the phone. There's a loud bang. Then he comes back on the line. "Okay, now what?"

missing tail
three legs
one eye
accidentally neutered
answers to "lucky"

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
If your name was "mmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnllllllllnnnnnnnn" you'd run away too.

Actually, no, I'm not going to tell you the rest of the joke. It's far too offal.

Cause he made an arse of the first two.

Q: What does Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
A: Surreal

Knock Knock
-Who's there?
Interrupting angsty clerk.
-Interrupting angsty cl-
I have no idea.

The third husband speaks up: "I didn't come here to be insulted! Come on Fanny, we're going home!"

They had reservations.

She gave birth in the spring.

--Neil Hamburger

See also:
Joke Request Thread

So, the other night, I'm in the lobby of a hotel, reading a magazine and waiting to meet up with a friend, and in comes this geeky troupe of guys. They lay these chessboards down, and start playing chess right next to me. Apparently, they just came from some tournament, and they're all smiling and what not. They were all pretty loud and hyped up. I tried my best to ignore it, but they just kept going on and on. Then, incredulously, they start talking shit to one another: "That move SUCKED," "We wouldn't have won against Yale if I hadn't been there", "Shut up kid I'm WAY better at chess than you", etc. I couldn't believe it. So, about 10 minutes goes by, and they get louder and louder. Finally, I can't stand it anymore. I walk up to the desk clerk, and I say, "Lookit, I'm sick of all these chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!!!"

Someone who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.

q. did you know that drinking your piss is really good for you?

a. no, really? why?

q. yeah, it's full of vitamin p!

Wanna hear a really funny joke? Country music.

a sanitary owl.

Come the day of the big gig, he's playing to a packed crowd and he's a bit nervous. he gets a few triple whiskies to calm himself down, he goes up and plays a song "This one's called 'Baby you're wonderful and i love you so'" The crowd love it. he goes down, gets a few more whiskies and before long he's drunk. he goes to the toilet to try and recover. they call him out while he's at the toilet. he comes out and he's a total mess. the stage managers says "excuse me, do you know your dicks out and you're pissing on the floor?" "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

boom and boom.

2. one to replace it and one to write a folk song about it.

park in it man

"Doc, my buddy just got bit by a poisonous snake! What do I do??"

The doctor says "First, you need to suck out the poison..."

The friend hangs up the phone and walks over to his injured pal.

The pal, still writhing on the floor, frantically asks the friend "What did he say?"

Looking sad, the friend replies:

"Doc says you're gonna die."

ECONOMICS HUMOR
so three guys are stranded on a desert island, a philosopher, an engineer, and an economist. they walk for miles in search of food, and finally, after a couple of days, they find an entire crate full of canned goodies, but with no can opener they face a problem. the engineer says "alright fellas. we'll put the can here on this rock, and you, engineer, wedge this piece of driftwood under it like that and you, economist, jump on the end of it." after several hours of this they give up. they turn to the philosopher. "well, let's just meditate on the nature of the can. what in the can's nature would want to be open?" this goes nowhere. they turn to the economist. he just smiles, like he's been waiting for this the entire time. "it's simple, really, gentlemen. the first step is to assume a can opener."

After the first 15 years, the man goes up to the head monk and says "Bed hard."

15 more years go by. The man, now 30 years in, goes up to the head monk and says "Food bad."

15 more years go by, and the man goes up to the head monk and says "I quit."

"Well, that's no surprise," the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

An MC holding a cup of urine.

I termite with a bad tooth walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

A termite with a bad tooth walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: What was the last thing you could hear on the black box recorder when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded.
A: Schoolteacher Christa McAullife asking "Hey...what does THIS button do?"

(anyone want to take a guess?)

One is a Goodyear, but the other is an excellent year.

New on the WB network!

Did Someone Start Their Election Drinking Game Early?

A: the new york yankees

He got the sack.

Pick it up and suck its cock.

What did the explorer say when he saw an elephant coming over the hill?
"Look, here comes an elephant over the hill"

Why did the elephant lie on his back with his feet sticking straight up?
To trip birds.

Shredded tweet.

Coo 8

(you have to say it in Scotlandish)

Knock Knock
Who's There
Interrupting Cow
Interr...
MOO!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uhhhhhh..

Fo' schnitzel!

(someone in my band came up with this over the weekend, they were duly punished)

the next day, the same policeman is doing highway duty again when he sees the same guy speeding in the opposite direction. once again he pulls the dude over, and sure enough, the penguin's still there, this time languidly clutching a pennant. "i thought i told you to take him to the zoo?" the policeman shouts. "i did!" the driver replies. "today we're going to a ballgame."

So off they go outside the Daily Sport and set up their little flower stall. They're selling daisies, fuschias, roses. And it works, all of the Daily Sport workers come out and buy flowers off them instead of working.

David Sullivan comes out fuming, going "You can't do this! You can't come to my place of work and distract my staff! This is an outrage"

The head monk takes a book out of his pocket, and says "Ah, but the law says we can." And written their in the book is justification: monks have a right to sell flora outside of the publishing houses of the obscene.

Sullivan just wanders back in fuming.

Anyway, so the monks get a bit cocky. One of them goes "But why should we just stop pornography in the UK? Why shouldn't we go to America?"

The head monk nods sagely and agrees. They pack their flowers away, and get the next flight to America. And they set up the same flower stall outside of the Hustler offices.

Same thing happens. All the Hustler models, photographers, writers, editors... they all come out and buy violets and petunias. Larry Flynt comes rolling up, fire in his veins, and goes "WHAT IN TARNATION!". But the head monk just shows him the law book, and says "See? We have justification. There's nothing you can do." So Flynt just goes back in doors and they continue selling flowers.

Anyway, at the end of the day, the head monk goes "Right, we must go to the top now. We must tackle Playboy. The biggest corruptor of all".

So, the next day, Playboy Mansions. They set a flower stall up at 9am. At 9:07 am, Hugh Hefner comes out with a baseball bat and just smashes the shit out of the stall. There's forget-me-nots everywhere. Then he starts on the monks, pounding the shit out of them, beating them up, breaking limbs, all the time screaming "I AM ALLOWED TO DO THIS! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS!".

The beatdown goes on for about fifteen minutes. By the end of it, all the monks are knocked unconscious except for the head monk, who has a broken arm and severe facial cuts. Anyway, the police finally turn up, and the head monk goes to the officer "But.. why... how can he do that? Monks are allowed to sell flowers outside the offices of pornography barons?

And the policemen turns to the monk and says: "Ah, but didn't you know? Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".

What is the world's most dangerous expanse of open water?
Hepatitis C

What is the world's most dangerous breakfast cereal?
Hepatitis Special K

It was rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Because Paul Newman and Robert Redford have been friends for over 40 years. He'd never use a competitor's product.

Rock band breaks up after a few years together, ups and downs, shitty tours and one EP. They go their seperate ways and do other things. One night, the guy who was lead singer in the band comes home from his Kinko's gig only to hear loud, passionate sounds coming from his bedroom. He walks in to catch his wife and his old band's drummer going at it.

"Dude!" he yells "What the hell's going on?!"

"Aww. Not a lot. Playing with this band. We have a gig this Friday night..."

-- Jay Vee (ziut...) (webmail), March 3rd, 2004 4:17 PM. (Manon_70)

it funny cos its true

"Is this the way to ram my dildo?"

(I was told this today by a young annoying child)

(thanx to wotsits for that one)

What do you call a baby Eigensheep?

A Lamb

.... duh!!!!

He said to the assistant: "Have you got any lip-balm?", the lady said "Yes..."

She then added, "...do you want to pay cash?"

The Pelican said, "No, just stick it on my bill."

Her peas.

So the penguin drove to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he would and why don't you come back in an hour so the penguin decided the go for a little walk and have some lunch while he waited.

After an hour past, the penguin waddled back into the service station and the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," said the penguin. "It's only ice cream."

A I've got that on vinyl.

A: You root-it-oot*

(*Scottish accent required)

How does Jesus bite his nails?
*bite the back of your hand*

Finger-painting.

"What do we want?!"

"BRAIIINNNNS."

"When do we want it?!"

"BRAIIINNNNS."

Dam!

ROFFFLIO

http://louisck.com/

What is the most talkative condiment?

- Mayosays.

What do you call a gay man when YOU have a cold?

- a hobo.

And here are the rest...

What should you use to write down that you just took a dump?

-a number 2 pencil.

Where do you leave a hair pie to cool it off?

-on the vagisil.

What do you call it when you have your name written on your breasts?

- Identitties

What do you call it when a lumberjack farts?

- He cut the trees.

What do you call a piece of crap that is horizontal, up against an erect penis that is vertical?

- Poop-and-dick-cular

What do you call some guys with large backbones who sodomize pettite people?

- Spinal men-in-tight-ass

What do you call a fast food chain that gives you gas?

-Burper King

What do you call it when you are worried that someone has a tumor?

- You are cancerned about him/her

What do you call a chinese homosexual?

- A gasian.

What do you call it when you press your tits onto someone's balls?

- Chesticles.

What do you call a lesbian who drives around in a Ford Winstar full of dimembered penises?

- A Dick-Van Dyke.

What do you call the female child of the woman who helps you while you're pregnant? Also the woman is from Boston and the child is sort of oddly tall shaped.

- My doula's oblong daughtah.

What did the hillbilly jewish guy say when his mother got sick and he didn't care?

- Ma's ill? Tough!

What do you call it when you kill yourself by letting too many animals in your house?

- Zooinsid

What do you call an infant who has been raised by homosexual parents? - A gaby.

What do you call it when you go out with a woman and you force her to eat pancakes? - Date crepe.

What do you call a nun who you don't like? - A nunt.

Why can't a soldier look whistfully at the ocean? - Because there's no Gaze in the military.

What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls? -A Dogsn't

who's there?

michael jackson

michael jackson who?

congratulations you're on the jury

(i read this in a spiderman comic!)

sher(,)-bert

a kid is out for a drive with his family when they have a car wreck, his sister and mom are killed instantly, and he is trapped. The dad goes round to his window and is strugggeling to get him out of his seat when a car comes speeding around the corner and he is aldo killed. The kid struggled free eventually just as it starts raining. He finally flags down a car and tells the man behind the wheel all about what has happened.
He then pulls over, undoes his belt and says 'sorry son, it just isn't your day, is it'

two mexican soldiers are lost in the desert
one spys what looks like a big tree of sizzeling bacon, he says to his friend, 'stay here i'm gonna go and see if im can get some of the bacon.
as he gets close to the tree the friend watches in horror as he is mown down by automatic gun fire.
with his last breath he says to his friend 'is not a bacon tree, is a ham bush'

did you ever hear about the magic tractor, it went up the track and turned into a field

Nacho cheese.

Q - what did the little deaf dumb and blind boy get for christmas?
A - cancer.

Minnie and Mickey mouse are in divorce court and the judge turns to Mickey and says "Let me get thus straight - you claim Minnie is crazy?" "No!" says Mickey. "I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Because he was Haydn!

She thought it was Diet Coke!

the diaorrhea of Anne Frank

a man goes into a sex shop and reads the back of a porn video. the owner says to him "hey! this isnt a library!" and the man says "oh yeah? well if this isnt a library, then why is there cum on the floor?"

A: We got an Eire here! (We got an error here!)

1. So this guy walks into a bar and asks to speak to the manager. The manager comes out and the guy says "Listen, I see you have a piano here. I'm actually a fantastic piano player, but I'm down on my luck and I haven't had work for a few months. Would you just try me out, give me a chance?"

And the manager says "Ok, I'll give you a chance.

So the piano player sits down and proceeds to play the most gorgeous song the manager has ever heard. The drunk at the end of the bar starts weeping, the bartender starts weeping, and even the manager feels tears start to well up. He just can't believe that this guy is so good and he's out of work.

When he's done the piano player walks over, and the manager says, "Wow! That was fantastic! What was that song called?"

And the piano player says "I Love Your Hairy Cunt so Fucking Much I Could Shit."

2. So the manager says "Jesus, what are your other songs called?" And the piano player proceeds to rattle off the most foul, disgusting titles he's ever heard, and so the manager says, "Ok, ok. Listen, you're great, and I'll give you a gig, but I get some classy people in here, and you just CANNOT tell them the titles of your songs."

So the next Saturday, the piano player plays his first set, and the audience loves him, and then he takes a break to go to the bathroom. When he comes out, he forgets to unzip his fly, and his dick is hanging out of his pants. So a guy from the audience comes over to him and says "Excuse me, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?" And the piano player says, "Know it? I wrote it!"

He concludes by saying "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit there stunned at this display of emotion, the president sits there shocked and puts his head in his hands.

Finally the president looks up and asks "How many is a brazillion?"

Music of Bin Origin.

(In a year's time, when you've heard of Ninjah, this will be quite amusing)

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

What's blue and fluffy?
A pink bit of fluff holding it's breath.

A: I have the time if you've got the inclination...

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I
move down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will
be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly moves
down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly moves
down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that
fly moves down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that
fly moves down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought - as
was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around
lunch time - "Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches...and that
fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that
hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some pussy is in serious danger.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks:

"How many is a Brazillion ??!'

It’ll make you shed tears of joy when you hear this story of human warmth and kindness.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building
a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested
that they take the money she had received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to
the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the
fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank
cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those b**tards at Jewson deliver the f**king
bricks."

A: Einstein's cock.

Cover it in petrol and throw it on the fire.

a stick.

Small legs.

Completely recovered now.

Because it over-swept!

Because she had an apple in one hand and a wang in the other

Hypothermia

Because all proper tea is theft.

I've been telling this joke for years and it has never got a laugh.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. So he could convert to Judaism!

I guess you kind of have to be there.

Tea, anarchism, pun - what's not to love?

Tep on the brake, tupid!

i told a variation one once when someone was telling me "i can't afford to buy property"

An erection.

*rim shot*

This bum guy walks into a doctors office, pulls down his pants and says "Doc I got the Clap". Then his festering dick falls off.

Doctor stares at the bum's waist and says "More like a standing ovation!"

A delegation of representatives from ETA were in Madrid for peace talks, all 10 of them tried to enter the hotel at the same time through the revolving door. Just at that moment, someone hurriedly left the hotel throwing all the representatives into the street where they were hit and instantly killed by a passing truck.
Which just goes to show you can't put too many Basques in one exit.

A man applies for a job at a blacksmiths.
The blacksmith asks him "have you any experience at shoeing horses?"
The man replies "No but I told a donkey to fuck off once."

Out at sea one afternoon, a sailor spied a boat on the horizon.
Turning to his captain he asked, "Captain, what kind of boat is that?"
"Frigate," said the captain.
The sailor replied "Yeah you're right, who gives a fuck."

Three strings enter a bar. They ask for a round of drinks but the bartender says "Sorry lads, we don't serve strings." The strings leave, and decide to sneak in the back entrance. The bartender spots them, and angrily kicks them out of the bar again. Desperate for a drink, one of the strings tries a disguise. He ties himself into a knot and messes up his hair, and again walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "Aren't you one of those strings I kicked out earlier?"
The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

two women are talking

"boyfriend bought me flowers again"

"i suppose that's you flat on your back with your legs in the air for the nest three days, eh?"

"uh, no. i have a vase"

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Not-cho-cheese!

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short , the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

FUCK YOU, CLOWN!!!!

Damnit it took out my long space.

oh man, I love that joke. Best shaggy dog ever.

So it's Saturday night and Superman has had a hard week of saving the world, so he's decided to go out on the town. He's walking down the street to go to a party when he sees Wonder Woman in her apartment; she's naked and lying on her back. He thinks "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could run in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she even notices anything" so he runs in, does the deed, and goes on his merry way. Wonder Woman sits up and says "did you hear anything?", to which the Invisible Man replies "no but my ass is KILLING ME".

that was used in HOLLOW MAN

Q: What's the difference between a moose and The Lawrence Welk Orchestra?
A: A moose has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

Elia Kazan and a buddy are walking down the street when suddenly a pack of rabid dogs pops up out of nowhere and chases the two, eventually cornering them in an alley. Elia's companion, lamenting their predicament, exclaims "We're trapped like rats!" He then turns to Kazan and says, "sorry, no offense."

NICKALICIOUS THAT CLOWN JOKE IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF ALL TIME EXCEPT THAT WHEN I TELL IT IT USUALLY TAKES ABOUT A HALF HOUR

...once i told it for over an hour to a bunch of bewildered freshmen i was leading on a camping trip.

god i fucking love that joke

I love it so much. It's all about the dramatic pause before the FUCK YOU, CLOWN.

oh nick you have no idea.

see, the way i tell it involves not just "a clown" but, say, Bingo the Clown. while our hero nurses a grudge and tunnels into funny academia, Bingo becomes the greatest and funniest clown of all time. when the joke closes, it's at bingo's greatest show yet, and the "dramatic pause" is filled by the audience's hysterics at Bingo's joke. they laugh so hard that they riot, and eventually the nat'l guard is called in. our hero stands amidst the flaming ruins of the big top, surrounded by hilarious rioters, and faces down Bingo as the president makes the decision to just bomb the city and cut his losses. his retort is nearly lost in the explosion, we can't even be sure that bingo hears it. but whatever, justice is served.

....um, it's funnier when i tell it, i swear

i mean basically my favorite jokes are drawn-out sort of boring story jokes with bad punchlines that make yr audience question why they ever bothered listening to you in the first place

c.f. the pope joke

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

-- gbx (skowly), Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:49 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

Similar to the "FUCK YOU CLOWN" shaggy dog, my 7th grade middle school teacher had a similarly EPIC joke called "Baby Popov" that he would reserve for the end of the year, sometimes taking up two whole class periods. Essentially, the joke was about a very young boy who plays the violin, is separated from his family in the midst of the Russian revolution -- told with really long tangents related to Popov's travels and the people he encounters, etc etc. And it ends with a real weak stinker of a pun.

Of course, the whole fun of the joke was to hype up "Baby Popov" all year to the kids in the grade behind you, just to set them up for even greater disappointment.

Favourite of the moment:

I was in B&Q the other day and an old bloke in an orange vest asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

a guy asks a girl on the street:"hey,whats your name"?
"cotton"
"are you sure"?
"yes,100% cotton"

someone sees a man playing chess with his dog:
"hey,you have a very smart dog"
"smart? he never wins!"

It's a little known fact that all professional tennis players are witches. You know Goran? Even he's a witch.

Man : Doc, ya gotta help me, I've got a lettuce hanging out of my arse!
Doctor : Well, let's take a look...doesn't seem too bad, we'll have it out of there in a jiffy.
Man : But doc, you don't understand - this is just the tip of the iceberg!

man: doctor, i've got a strawberry stuck in my arse.
doctor: well, i can give you some cream for it.

man: doctor, i've got a cricket ball up my arse.
doctor: how's that?
man: don't you fucking start.

I've heard (and told) an even better version of darraghmac's bouncing brick joke (involving some spear-throwing Aborigines and a monkey). Noodle Vague's 'crab is pissed' joke too (something about never being accepted because he walks sideways, but in seeking the princess' hand he staggers forward because he is wankered, thus gaining the king's approval).

However, my offering today shall be short and sweet.

How does a blind parachutist know when to pull the ripcord?

When the dog lead goes slack.

what did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown for dinner?

"does this taste funny to you?"

HA

what's invisible and smells like carrots?

bunny farts.

A bit of pavement and a bit of road are sitting having a quiet drink in a bar. A piece of red tarmac walks into the bar. Immediately the bit of pavement hides under the table. He asks his friend nervously, 'is he still there?', eventually the red piece of tarmac finishes his drink and leaves the bar.

The bit of pavement then comes out from under the table. 'What was all that about?' asks the bit of road. The pavement replies, "don't you know him, he's a cycle path?"

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Also I hate that vase joke so much

why do elephants drink?
to forget

"Also I hate that vase joke so much"

? because?

It's really clunky and is centred round a turn of phrase that no-one would ever actually employ in real life

Why didn't Superman stop 9/11?

- Because he fell off a horse and got paralyzed.

Got any Y2K jokes?

ninja master and a nun walk into a bar. charles, the bartender, asks ninja master who the woman with him is. ninja master says, "oh that's just my nun, chuck"

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walks on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

Hehe. You gotta tell that one like "Neil Armstrong, yeah? He walks on the MOON, right? With little hand gestures like they should remember that bit for some complicated pun.

lol @ PP

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania. Suddenly a midget vampire leaps onto the bonnet of their car, baring his teeth and hissing evilly. "Lord protect us!" cries Sister Francesca. "Quick, Sister Gloria, show him your cross!" Sister Gloria frowns, grips the wheel, leans forward and shouts "Get off our fucking car!"

The Pope gets terribly ill. It's a mysterious disease, and the doctors simply can't come up with any cure. He just keeps getting worse. Finally, one expertt physician manages to come up with a diagnosis:

"Your highness, the good news is that your illness can be cured", says the doctor.

"What is the bad news then?", asks the Pope while lying in his bed.

"The only thing that can cure you is... sleeping with a woman. Nothing else will work."

"No! I cannot do it! I am the head of the Holy Church, and I have taken a vow of chastity when I was 13! I would rather die!"

The Pope sends the doctor away. However, his condition keeps getting worse and worse. After two weeks of misery he summons his most loyal servant to his room.

"My faithful servant, I have decided to change my mind. I want to survive, and therefore I have no alternative than to sleep with a woman. So I want you to get me a prostitute. But the knowledge of this must not spread beyond these walls."

"Of course, your highness."

"Furthermore, I have three requirements the prostitute must meet."

"Yes, your highness?"

"Firstly, she must be blind, so she will not know whom she is sleeping with."

"Yes, your higness."

"Secondly, she must be mute, so that even if she somehow finds out who I am, she cannot talk about the whole affair."

"Yes, your highness."

"And thirdly..."

"Yes, your higness?"

"She must have big boobs!"

a guy goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

doc: i've got some bad news and i've got some worse news.
guy: go ahead, doc. i can take it.
doc: well, you've got cancer. also, you've got alzheimer's.

the guy contemplates his situation for a moment.

guy: well, at least i don't have cancer.

I went to the zoo yesterday. They only had one small dog. It was a shi tzu.

a graverobber broke into an Egyptian tomb and started snooping around for treasure. he grew impatient as he made his way through half a dozen chambers without uncovering a single piece of loot. finally he reached the pharaoh's chamber, and he lifted the lid off the sarcophagus to reveal a perfectly preserved royal mummy. at once he began unwrapping the mummy, hoping to find some precious jewelry on its person. after unraveling yard after yard of linen, he caught sight of a gleaming gold scarab pendant, which was fixed tightly around the mummy's right ankle on a heavy brass band. he tugged on the anklet with all his might, but it wouldn't budge an inch. exasperated, he raised the sarcophagus lid above his head and slammed it down on the mummy, shattering its ankles and indeed severing both of its feet. now the bracelet slipped easily off the mummy's splintered stump of a leg. the robber pocketed it and ran out of the tomb with a huge smile on his face

...........proving that you can't take an amulet without breaking legs.

I highly recommend http://www.actionjokes.com/

The "Political" section includes this gem:

- Which one from the countries of the planet looks alike with the vagina?
- England – Because it is always wet!
- Korea – Because it is split in two!
- Romania – because you want to stick you’re dick in it!

And the classic:

- How do you know which one is your boss from a crowd of 500 people?
- You say: “My boss is a stupidest asshole!”

I told my wife the "Fuck you, Clown" joke last night. Good times.

that site's like a parody of the internet

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

-- gbx (skowly), Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:49 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

http://www.gifmania.co.uk/tv-series/lost/lost.gif

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I love this thread.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender 'how much for a drink?'
The bartender says 'For you? No charge'

actionjokes is like the Muttley to Digitiser's Dick Dastardly - good find

- What do you say to a virgin?
- Thanks for nothing!

René Descartes walks onto a plane.
The flight attendant says, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says "What'll you have?" Guy says "Anything but Rheingold. I drank a case last night and I blew chunks." Bartender says "If you drink a case of *anything* you'll blow chunks." Guy says, "You don't understand. 'Chunks' is my dog."

― Jeanne Fury (Jeanne Fury), Wednesday, 24 September 2003 17:52 (6 years ago) Bookmark

nevar forget

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

what does the sign at the entrance to the sperm bank says?

thank you for coming

one day i'm walking down the road and i met a guy bouncing a brick.

I say, "no way a bouncing brick, i haven't seen one of those in years! I used to love those things!"

He says "do you wanna have a go? you've got to be very careful though, cos if you bounce too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and you'll never see it again"

I say, "don't worry, I have lots of practice with these things- I was quite a pro in my youth."

So he gives me the bouncing brick, and after a few test bounces I've recalled all of my old prowess and am giving it over arm, under leg, behind my back pimped out bouncing brick moves.

He's very impressed, and says "i can see you're a true afficionado- tell you what, you keep that one, i have more at home"

I'm delighted, and after thanking him head off, bouncing my new brick. After a while I meet a friend of mine.

he says- "Wow, great a bouncing brick, I've never seen one of those! give us a try!"

I'm not sure- "be careful, if you bounce it too hard it'll go way way up in the sky and it'll never be seen again"

He has a go- he bounces it too hard first time, it goes way way up into the sky and it's never seen again.

― darraghmac, Monday, 26 February 2007 17:57 (eleven years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Still slays

Action Jokes still boggles my mind.

Email to husband
Wife e-mail to husband:
- Send me some money or else I will deceive you!
Husband replay:
- Deceive me, but first send me some money!

i don't get that bouncing brick joke tho ?
― Ste, Friday, 20 April 2007 10:26 (ten years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

neither do i?
― the next grozart, Friday, 20 April 2007 10:36 (ten years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

smdh

Did you hear the dead chickpea rapper is releasing an album? It's a post hummus release.

Gauguin walks into a bar. He sees Van Gogh there and says hey Vincent, can I get you a drink? No thanks, Van Gogh replies, I've got one 'ere.