The Best Way to Break Up

no useful advice for you, just curious about your decision sorry

xpost

Heck, it's cold and it's March. Things may well warm up. Take three months and call us in the morning, Monday June 7th.

He's going to get hurt whatever happens, you'll have to ensure that it's merely very sad indeed for him and not a full-on emotional trainwreck.

The holiday thing is difficult, the anniversary less so. Going away together when you're in that kind of emotional state could well be a nightmare. Are you 100% sure there's no way to get out of the holiday? Can you get away with throwing away that kind of money? On the other hand how good are you at faking being happy with him? Would you wait until after the trip just to spare his feelings?

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Matt, I'm pretty good at faking things, and I think we could probably have an OK time on the holiday. I have an obligation to go, and he's joining me for the first weekend of the trip. So it's only about 4 days of together time. And I would be willing to wait until we're both back to spare his feelings.

I actually think the anniversary is a bigger deal. I can't imagine sitting at a dinner celebrating our relationship without feeling like utter crap.

This is something that has happened, in a smaller way, to me in the past. I do a great job of landing in relationships with lovely guys that bore me after a while. I have no idea if this is something that I just need to get used to, or if I haven't yet met anyone that challenges me in the right way to keep me from getting bored.

(Xposts that I'll come back to)

with......"

Stevem, there are surely cons, but it’s nothing really bad. If I sat down and wrote up a chart of pros and cons, it completely makes sense to stay with him. But is this really about making sense? If I’m in a situation where I don’t want to be with him anymore, and am feeling bored and restless, isn’t that enough?

I’ll admit that situations like this frustrate me. I’ve had several really wonderful boyfriends over the years, with no major flaws except that they bore me after 3,6, 12 months. I’m thinking this is obviously a sign that this means it is my flaw, rather than theirs, but that doesn’t solve the immediate problem. Things aren’t working for me, and it’s making the time we spend together a little stilted, since I’m sitting there thinking about what I should do, etc.

And on the anniversary, I'll actually be out of town for the day itself, so I think I'll just suggest that we pass on it and save our money for a nice dinner on the holiday?

Only if you want to time-limit every relationship you will ever have. They all get to this stage, and you havbe to muck in and (cliche alert) Make It Work.

However, I just don't want to be with him. That isn't going to change, unfortunately. Maybe I'll just keep getting 'better' and better as I get older and wiser, and this will happen less and less frequently, but right now, this is dead.

So, yeah. It would be useful to share your best/worst breakup stories, so I can try to learn from your experience.

notsaying - I don't envy your approach to relationships. Hope it goes okay. I'd be tempted to do it like now - I can't stand waiting for things like this.

(p.s. you're not my girlfriend, are you?)

I don't think not going on the holiday is an option, regardless of where this relationship stands.

All I really know is, tell him everything now. (Blokes' feelings are usually more robust than women give them credit for.)

A "commitment" is not a case of finding *the* perfect person with whom you can have a perfect relationship, it's getting to a point in your life where you feel ready to have a comitted relationship - with all the compromises and real life problems that that involves.

Maybe your boredom is a symptom of the fact that something else in your relationship is going wrong. (Or else maybe something else your life entirely that needs sorting out.) Maybe you need to reexamine what it is that you want from a relationship... (or maybe that will come with time and experience)

...I mean, the first successful relationship that I've had is one which I find an *escape* from drama and excitement (in a negative sense). Do I get bored with it sometimes? Sure I do, but that's what a rich fantasy life is for. But it took me a LONG time (33 years to be exact) to learn what to leave in fantasy and what to learn to live with in reality.

Anyway... you know all this crap. I can't really offer you any advice on the specifics of *how* to break up with someone. There really is no easy way. Though I echo the "sooner rather than later" sentiments. I know it's tempting to take the lazy way and go on holiday with someone who will drive you nuts and let things blow up into a huge head and explode... but it's *easier* on both of you not to do that.

"Look, honey, we need to talk..." is usually the best policy, and then just spill everything you've mentioned here.

I'm in the EXACT SAME situation (but substitute 'girlfriends'). I do fear that I'm a commitmentophobe, and was really starting to get worried about it recently at the end of another typical 3 month 'mini-relationsihp'. I just wind up calling them off whenever the push for a stonger/long-term commitment arises because I'm not interested anymore. I don't even feel upset about it. I do think the "it's not you it's me" is 100% true in my case, even if it sounds like total bullshit. Since I assume you feel somewhat similar, please don't think of it is as 'flaw' - if you do, then the situation will definitley keep repeating itself. (warning: cliche ahead) You simply have to live with yourself knowing that you just haven't met the right person yet. This is what keeps me from becoming seriously freaked out about my attitude towards relationships.

But that's a whole separate issue for another thread... As for the act of breaking up, the worst method I used was the "avoid it, be dull and boring and they'll either break up with you first or won't care when you break up with them". Even though it's harder to do, the wisest break-ups are done as soon as you 'know' that it isn't right for you (which judging by your posts is where you are at). It's honest, and it doesn't waste the other person's time - life is too short to fake it, in my opinion. I am still friends with the people that I have gone through this with, and they have told me that in retrospect they were glad I did what I did - even though it sucked at the time. They say they have more respect for me as a person since I approached them as an open book, shared what I was feeling, and tried to explain 'why' it had to end. A tip: hold the honesty back a bit on the 'why' part - limit it to YOU, and not them. 100% honesty can be terribly cruel (I find you boring, you aren't smart, you're bad in bed, etc). Only discuss a problem you have with them if it is a truly negative characteristic that if changed would help them in ANY future relationships they may have.

Hi Everybody, well is there true love? I've been here just pondering, and thought I'd ask. Gale
-- Gale Deslongchamps, November 25th, 2001

Answers

hi gale! no. jess.
-- jess, November 25th, 2001

Thanks for the thoughts from Kate and Commitmentophobe. It's nice to know I'm not the only person around that's like this. I guess I'm just not ready to 'settle down' yet (that phrase gives me the heebie jeebies, as well).

Maybe Mr. Phobe and I should have a 3-month fling and see who gets bored first!

(not that I can be described as a lurker, really)

My advice is don't go on the holiday, really, you'll want to be ebding it all and he'll be guessing that and it'll only hurt him the more. I think the only thing to do is to do it soon, cauterizing the wound so to speak.

The problem is yours. YOU deal with it. By putting it on someone else's responsibility, you make them have a problem. They will either take it out on you, or else on their next boyfriend. Either way, everyone loses.

>just edges out email, I think

What about a text message? This happened to me and I think this is pretty low on the lame-scale. Although bonus points for it being high-tech and all that...

(This has only ever actually happened once, N.B.)

(Except for the rare cases where they actually agree. Yes, this has happened, to me, too...)

I've done the disappearing from the face of the earth thing, won't work in this situation, and I have high hopes that we'll be able to stay friends.

I can't see him getting obsessed, either.

I think it's just down to before or after the trip. I know that a lot of people say before, but I think we can stick it out for a few more weeks (especially since I'm out of town for a big chunk of that) and deal with it when we get back.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

(Xpost x3)

Whatever you decide, don't wait too long. People tend to be bitter if you wait too long to break up--several ex-girlfriends I wish now I was still friends with suffered that indignity at my hands and still hold it against me years later. Whatever you decide, good luck...this is a tough time.

i've just told my girlfriend i don't want to live with her anymore, although i don't want to break up with her. there are a million reasons for this - most emotional, some spatial, some financial, some personal - but none of them seems sufficiently sensible for her to be anything other than mortified.

we moved in together too quickly, i think, and there's just not enough room (physical and mental) in our tiny flat. co-habitation's going so very badly. so i'm leaving, no idea where to, and i fear that despite my protestations, we really may be slowly breaking up after all.

So how do i work out which came first? The unhappiness or the loss of desire? We've been arguing pretty much solidly about practically everything, for the past three months. I don't want her to touch me anymore, and I'm terrified to go near her. I should be 100x more miserable than I am, but I think I've just switched off.

Help.

Grief at the ending of a relationship != clinical depression.

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/en.aspx?articleID=127

and

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+depression.htm

she's absolutely right. it's clearer to me now than it's ever been. but i really don't want to admit to that sort of weakness.

We've been arguing pretty much solidly about practically everything, for the past three months.

Lots of psychologists have pointed out the relations in the psychological state of mind between grief and depression. To the point where, for a time, people were trying to treat grief as if it *were* depression, and vice versa.

The difference being... grief is a *natural* process as a part of loss. It would be unnatural if you *didn't* feel low, disoriented, listless, at the end of a long term relationship.

Try to get through the separation process, sort your own life out, if the relationship is over, grieve it, then if you are *still* going through the same symptoms, worry if you're clinically depressed.

I don't know. I mean, I'm just some random person on the interweb.

x-post

Also, after moving in with someone you kind of reach a bit of a plateau & think "is this it", it's at this point ppl can feel depressed & you have to decide to move out or move onwards.

actually, you're a lot less random than you think.

Also, after moving in with someone you kind of reach a bit of a plateau & think "is this it", it's at this point ppl can feel depressed & you have to decide to move out or move onwards.

yeah, i've talked to other people about this - the honeymoon period's over and we're left with the awful truth about cohabitation, which is that all you really get is the dregs of the person you love(d): they're either rushing to get up and go to work, or they're knackered, tetchy and miserable, slumped on the sofa at the edn of another long day.

I think we may really have reached the "get engaged or split up" bit of our relatinoship. and that's fucking depressing.

If you still want to continue in the relationship, then address the things like, not having enough time/space. It takes work to make a relationship stay fresh when you're living together, and not slide into the couch/bed rut. All that stuff about making time for one another, still going on dates, those kind of things are important. And space... my god, that's important. If you don't have enough room for each of you to have your own space, can you think about moving somewhere bigger together?

Depression is *not* weakness, it's a medical condition, no different from asthma or anaemia or diabetes. I feel no more shame about getting treated for it than I do about taking my iron tablets. However, it is harder to spot, because your brain is the thing that you rely on to make the diagnosis, and if that's not working properly, how do you tell?

I don't know if what you're describing is grief at the end of a relationship, or depression. Only you can really make that call.

surely even better to do it over CS:S chat

[de-fragger] lol u r pwn3d dont call me again

mega xpost

better still, do it while you're alive and they're dead, so they can't answer back. works even better if it was you that shot them.

i also believe the timing is almost as important as the relationship itself. you may just not be at the point in your life where you can be satisfied with the subtle pleasures of cohabitation, or alternately, still expect that the proportion of mundane routine will be less than it generally is.

move on.

Talking about this stuff with a therapist helped. For me, the answer was not that I was depressed but that my relationship was just an overwhelming burden. "Make it work" might be a thing that people do, but for me it caused the kinds of feelings you describe.

Six months later, I am such a much nicer person to be around. And me and the boy are still close friends; hindsight would suggest that we definitely needed more space to grow than the relationship (or the apartment) was providing.

I was in a live-in relationship with someone who wanted me to move out because I was "depressed and not fun" etc. blah blah.

It took me so long to get over the breakup that I realised it was no longer grief over the breakup, but serious clinical depression, and eventually got put on SSRIs and now I'm doing CBT.

However... in some ways I almost kind of wish I'd done that *before* the breakup/move out, because I'd probably have seen everything that was wrong with the relationship that I was putting up with, and also not have blamed my unhappiness on the relationship, but on what was going on with my mental health.

However, I don't know if the end result would have been the same, but in a different order.

I hope so. I do wonder whether she's suggesting I'm depressed as a way of avoiding having to think about the alternatives, ie. i don't fancy her any more, or i've met someone else, or whatever.

I honestly can't pin down whether i'm just depressed, and that's causing my relationship to collapse, or perhaps i can see my relationship foundering, and my feelings of complete helplessness are leaving me depressed.

Either way, I'm not enjoying myself at all.

the moving out but not breaking up idea sounds awfully messy, but perhaps you need a bit of a break from one another. but um wtf do i know, my longest relationship evah lasted two months, i'm gonna stop talking about that part of it.

um seriously though, what kate said - if you think you might be depressed, GO AND SEE SOMEONE ABOUT IT. you've made the first step talking about it here, next talk to your irl friends, next seek professional help. it's a hell of a lot weaker *not* to admit and face up to something like that, and you'll be a hell of a lot happier when you get it sorted out.

i have a horrible feeling i know who this is and i'm trying to push it away.

;-)

He was my age!

^^^this guy goes around telling ppl this

He’s clever, funny and kind. Of course, since he’s clever, funny and kind, I’m bored. It’s not working for me.

Fucking hell women are incomprehensible. It makes me sad.

the only way to break-up is via text message.

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/postglobal/islamsadvance/2008/08/divorce_by_text_message.html

chap in all fairness that isnt a female thing, its a "gits who are hopeless at decent relationships" thing. Plenty of guys I know who are get bored easily too.

Seeing someone ELSE go thru this at the moment: knowing he doesnt love a girl who loves him and thinks he loves her and I know the truth and he's my best friend but FUCK it makes me mad that he wont come clean with her cause its just easier this way and &*^$%$ god.

chap in all fairness that isnt a female thing, its a "gits who are hopeless at decent relationships" thing. Plenty of guys I know who are get bored easily too.

Yeah I know. I'm a bit lovelorn at the moment myself though, which tends to make one a bit sexist.

"Look, honey, we need to talk..." is usually the best policy, and then just spill everything you've mentioned here.

― The River Kate (kate), Monday, 22 March 2004 13:23 (4 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ha ha hah, and then *I* got dumped in the worst possible, most shit way three months from that post. Ain't life a funny thing?

I've gone from He’s clever, funny and kind. Of course, since he’s clever, funny and kind, I’m bored. It’s not working for me. to "he's clever, funny and kind - he will never in a million years want to go out with *me*."

maybe she thinks you're sexist

xpost

I wish I knew how notsaying's been since this

i know you're supposed to do this in person, but i hate the awkward logistics of it. do you invite them out specifically b/c "we need to talk"? their place, your place? get down to it right away? ugh.

btw i put this thread title in my google doc of potential song titles

http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/images/dumpsville_2_1.jpg

How long is/was the relationship?

(And how involved/serious?)

less than a month, not that serious, but just enough where i would feel bad doing it over the phone or letting it slide

(this is like the prime awkwardness window i think, where it's not really a relationship but it's a little more than just a couple of dates)

you really race thru em dontcha

― claudestock carpentinieri (country matters), Tuesday, 30 December 2008 18:13 (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

what can i say, it ain't easy to find a decent girl in this town.

― Tracy Michael Jordan Catalano (Jordan), Tuesday, 30 December 2008 18:23 (Yesterday) Bookmark

^_^

(nabisco stands, fingers ready upon the dials, waiting to perform the fine calibrations necessary to perform this delicate task)

this may not be too easy due to winter, but I've found going for a walk to break the news can work pretty well

I think that time span is the hardest time to do it, because the message is pretty clearly "now that I've gotten to know you a bit, I've decided I'll pass." Which is totally fair and normal, but rough. You can't even break up under the cover of a larger discussion of your relationship and its problems, because ... that's not really what you're doing.

Umm definitely pick her place over yours, so that you can have the talk you need to, leave, and then she's at home alone to deal with it however she deals with it. The most reasonable route I can imagine is calling with an apologetic-sounding "do you think I could stop by tonight? There's something I need to talk to you about" (sounding grim and grave enough that it's pretty clear something's wrong, and she's not blindsided), then dropping by, doing your thing all straightforward and reasonable, and then bidding adieu.

xpost - walking is brilliant

If she seems particularly into this relationship, I would recommend coming up with some talking points in advance politely summarizing why you feel the match is not a good one. (But don't let yourself wind up discussing or dissecting the talking points.)

see why I don't date?

Morbius, not-dating because breakups are awkward seems like some Hallmarky proverb about fear holding you back from life!

or "The Beast in the Jungle."

I was just funnin', the reason I don't date is bcz I've met no one worth surrendering my autonomy for. I mean, a whole other person in your life, daily? WEIRD.

A walk sounds nice, but I think any way you can do it where she doesn't have to walk/catch the bus home while crying (that is, if she's likely to be upset by the breakup) is better.

Three years and he breaks up with me by text. Prob shouldn't be posting about this here to a bunch of strangers, but it's basically better than me typing and erasing, typing and erasing, typing and erasing the perfect response.

Sorry to hear that. Those who do the dumping should be required to present the dumped on with a nice consolation prize, like a washer-dryer set, to take a bit of the edge off the pain. Alternatively, you are permitted to punch a pillow repeatedly, while saying what's on your mind at high volume. It's not much, but it is better than running it over and over silently i your head.

I'm sorry Roz, that hurts. It's cowardly of him to do this via text and you deserve better.

roz :(

ugh, what a dick move. hope you've got some kind of satisfying distraction lined up that'll keep you from watching your phone for responses to your response.

Ugh so sorry roz :(

the best response would be to text yourself to his phone, pop out of his phone, throw his phone off an overpass and say "text THAT, loser." then just walk away really cool.

this is inexcusable and beneath contempt. feel like the perfect response might be to just cut them off cold.

sympathies

I would: not answer, delete text, cut him dead. So sorry, Roz.

Thirded. Not worth revenge.

Sorry Roz
if I was to get dumped by text my plan would be to pretend I didn't receive it and carry on being in the relationship, and see how long it takes them to MAN UP

i'm sorry Roz. :(

ok kinder's response is kinda great, not sure how feasible but it would be great to see the reaction.

in all sincerity though, sorry to hear that Roz.

All of the above roz.

Thanks for the kind words all. Anyway, in the end, I called him instead and chewed him out, and then we had a long and teary breakup over the phone. tbh I'd seen this coming for a while and was planning to break up with him myself after my trip to Japan (for work) next week. But now it looks like I'm gonna spend my 9 days there feeling crappy and unfocused and shit.

Getting off the internet to go lie in bed and listen to slowdive on repeat.

the text message breakup is attractive sometimes, to be honest. right now, i'm trying to figure out what the hell i'm going to do or say. i want to break up in a pleasant, sympathetic way that leaves her feeling like she hasn't done anything wrong and so she knows what an amazingly nice and intelligent and sweet person she is. and we have many friends in common, and honestly, as much as i like spending time with her, it seems more dishonest and fucked up to continue pretend that it's a viable enterprise and making plans (she keeps asking me about a potential trip to poland at christmas to go to her friend's wedding)-- and at the end of the day i'm an unhappy motherfucker that would rather be doing what i'm doing right now which is sitting pantsless on my bed listening to the smiths and smoking cigarettes and refreshing site new answers and telling strangers about my private anxieties.

and i'm still in love with a girl that refuses to live in the same city as me but still loves me, and as much as i'm happy to spend time with this girl and be referred to as her boyfriend, there's always a sad feeling that i've done all this before with the girl i really love and it was an important, sublime turning point in my life and doing it again right now, it just means nothing to me.

sunday, i said i was feeling sick, hoping to get out of hanging out with her, but i couldn't say no in the end and she brought me a thermos of chrysanthemum and pear tea and that gesture of kindness and concern made me feel even more like a manipulative fraud. she wanted to spend the night at my place and i turned her down and said i was tired and i'd spend monday with her and then after i sent her home, i ended up going out and seeing her friend at a bar, so i told her that i was going out, to head off her friend saying something to her. then i came home at 5 in the morning and slept all day and didn't respond to her texts or calls until she said she was worried about me and i texted back, "i'm fine" and went back to ignoring texts/calls. the whole experience fills me with self-loathing and i feel shitty about subjecting another person to my fucked up internal life or whatever.

so, tomorrow, i guess i'll tell her i don't want to continue, but i have no idea what to say but i'm thinking a variation on: you're a great person and i've had so many good times with you but i don't think we're right for each other in a romantic way and i'm afraid i'm going to hurt you even more if we stay together, and i hope we can be friends and i'll even go to your friend's wedding in poland, if you want, but if you never want to talk to me again, that's not what i want but i respect it.

that sounds good

Look just do it before, yeah, it gets worse.

I say this as someone who has been broken up with because "I don't like who I am when I'm with you" from a man who had been subjecting me to small cruelties and lashing out.

D-man, that's a fair way to do it. However, unless you truly do want to (and will) hang out with her as friends, I would leave out the 'hope we can be friends' part. It sounds like she is pretty serious about this relationship. Sometimes in that scenario it is best to be away from each other, just so she can get over it. It'll make it easier for her, I think.

Now, I'm not saying you should not hang out as friends, but let her tell you if she wants that.

Hope it went well.

Oh, also, this other girl you have pretty strong feelings for, if you guys dated and it's been a while and you still have feelings for her, I say feel things out and see where it goes. Is your moving to her city bad for your career and her moving to yours bad for hers?

http://rookiemag.com/2013/10/making-a-clean-breakup/