Who would win a fight between a horse and a monkey?

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To carry on a conversation from Saturday night.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I am ov the opinion that a horse would win, because they're bigger and harder. However, a monkey would be able to jump around loads a would be tricky to hit, so maybe it's a question of endurance.

However, my money is on the horse.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I find myself mildly curious as to what sort of conversation would lead to such a question.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:08 (twenty-one years ago)

what a stupid question. horse, without doubt.

― ryan (ryan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:09 (twenty-one years ago)

The counter-argument was that a monkey, with opposable thumbs would jump on the horses back and stab it with a stick.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I have NO idea why it came about - that is lost in the haze of a smokey Oxford pub. All that's left is the argument sans resolution.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:11 (twenty-one years ago)

But how about this monkey?
http://www.primate.or.kr/gallery/funny/Monkey%20W_Lips%20Out_Wearing%20Jockey%20Hat.jpg

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:15 (twenty-one years ago)

If the monkey had a baseball bat...

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:16 (twenty-one years ago)

HORSE

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:17 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.arches.uga.edu/~kevnwill/monkeywithgun.jpg

...Bring it on...

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1064082932031_2003/09/22/23soccer.jpg

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:20 (twenty-one years ago)

For god's sake, please let it be the horse...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Pah! Monkey.

The horse wouldn't even understand that there was a fight in the first place. Its strategy would be entirely defensive. The horse would neigh, and plunge, and maybe rear up, and then perhaps canter or trot around, or attempt to kick the canny monkey.

The monkey? Ah, well. The monkey would retreat to a tree or a nearby fence and throw rocks. Big ones, small ones, sharp ones. This would continue for days or weeks if necessary, until the horse, wounded, weakened, despairing of its life, would collapse on its front legs, and die in the hot heat of the midday sun.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, but the horse could...

argh wtf am i doing?

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean this is bonkers!!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:25 (twenty-one years ago)

This is important. not bonkers. my friend thinks monkey. ridiculous!

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:26 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.primate.or.kr/gallery/funny/Monkey%20Holding%20A%20Baseball%20Bat.jpg

I said.."Bring it on.."

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Nonsense. It's a scientific question that has an answer.

Prithee explain how a horse could possibly win such an ill matched encounter? Explain the flaws in my reasoning, because it looks pretty solid to me.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:27 (twenty-one years ago)

We are assuming here that both the monkey and the horse are filled with bloodlust - hence the argument that the horse is unaware of the battle is rather moot.

Pashmina - don't fight it - join us!

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah well, the horse has MIGHTY KICKING HOOVES, right? It could boot the monkey so hard, that its pitiful corpse wd be found horseshoe-shaped indentations and all, 1/2 a mile away. Plus, the horse could run faster, so if it looked like it was going the monkey's way, it could run away.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:33 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.atlantaantiquegallery.com/images/cat/NetsukeHorseMonkey268258081.jpg

...just before the eye-gouging begins...

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

the monkey could bring the horse down AT-AT style is my thinking. but one false move and that's one trampled monkey. really though it depends on who the monkey and the horse are as people, their characteristics. are they fighters or lovers?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

http://home1.gte.net/res0yiyy/mojo.jpg
"So Mistur Horse, how you like slap in face with slimy fish?"

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/RenStimpy2000/images/ren2mrhorse.gif
"No Sir I didn't like it!"

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:36 (twenty-one years ago)

The monkey could scratch the horse's eyes out though, and a blind horse, though enraged, would be no match for a stealthy monkey.

This debate is nowhere near as mentalist as Dinosaurs vs King Arthur* FITE!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:37 (twenty-one years ago)

If I was horse, though, I'd spank the monkey...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:38 (twenty-one years ago)

The horse doesn't get near the horse, even if she is aware of the set and setting. The monkey, suing its superior brain power, is up a tree, or on a fence, chattering and throwing rocks. I think the matter is settled at this point. The monkey is triumphant.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:43 (twenty-one years ago)

chattering and throwing rocks from a tree is no way to win a fight, and i should know

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:45 (twenty-one years ago)

what sort of horse & monkey, anyway? Like if iit was a chimpanzee vs a carthorse, the outcome wd be different to that if it were a racehorse....

oh for fuck's sake.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, but what kind of racehorse? Because a National Hunt horse would be a lot more powerful than a sprinter.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

stevem: maybe so, but in this case we are trying to kill a horse, not win a woman.

Pashmina: any monkey beats any horse. Unless the racehorse uses its speed to run away, in which case it's a draw.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Gorilla vs Shetland Pony

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:49 (twenty-one years ago)

ruud van nistorooy vs martin keown

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:49 (twenty-one years ago)

This is ridiculous. None of you are taking this seriously.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Look at the statistics. More people die every year because of horses than because of monkeys. Ergo, horses are more dangerous.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Ken I've already got to that one...

Someone needs to post that pic from the Guardian site with Van Nistelrooy and Keown as horse/monkey that was posted on ILE a while back. I can't find it.

Where can I find a horse and a monkey in time for Thursday's FAP?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:52 (twenty-one years ago)

The monkey uses its superior brainpower to siphon off or block the horse's water supply.

It's too easy.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

That's not a fight, that's subtle premeditated murder. You might as well say the monkey could give cyanide to the horse.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Hang on? Who said we were using Marquis of Queensbury rules? What, you think the horse and monkey should bow to each other and then the monkey should slap the horse's cheek with a glove? Jesus wept.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, but a fight differs from a seige in many subtle ways. Of course a monkey would win a seige, but that's not the question.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:01 (twenty-one years ago)

In the wild one generally finds horses and monkeys living together in groups. Which one has the most mates who could back them up? THIS COULD BE AN IMPORTANT FACTOR

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:02 (twenty-one years ago)

oh haha sorry matt - i didn't see the pic! Anyways...

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Pix/gallery/2003/10/03/thirteen.gif

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Pix/gallery/2003/10/03/five.gif

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Wait, Pash, bring social factors into the equation and the monkey rocks the primal scene. That won't help the horse.

Johnney, what ground rules are being proposed? I mean, all's fair in love and war surely?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Monkeys are best in teams but we are talking solo here. I think a horse would have the best bet at home in an open field there's no trees for the monkey to climb so the horse can use his speed and kicking advantage to full effect. It would be a long drawn out fight but I think a horse would prevail in the home match.

Away is a different matter, here the monkey is in his element. Pelting the horse with anything he can get his hands on from height is his only real strategy but it's effective. I'd say the fight would be long and bloody but with little for the horse to do other than kick the monkeys tree hoping to dislodge his simian adversary whilst dodging missiles.

Over 2 legs home and away overall outcome is a draw.

Decider:

CAGE MATCH.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

i thought cage match would have been the monkey's home match

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

With the monkey on the roof of the cage, harrying the horse from above with claws and teeth? PUH-LEEEEEZE.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Hang on are we talking captive/domestic animals or wild animals?

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Which side is Frankie Dettori on here?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

replace the horse with Mick Hucknall and this is a c*lum thread

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah I think a monkey would have a definite agility advantage in a caged match but all it takes is one slip or misjudgement and the horse comes in with the killer blow.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

but in a cage match all you have to do is get out of the cage... or are we talking hell in a cell??

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm rooting for the horse here, b/c I like horses better than monkeys, plus, if you win on the horses, you could win a "monkey" iirc?

However, it just occurred to me that there was that carl hiiasen book where the monkey shot a gangster dead w/his own gun, also some groups of monkeys are able to use basic tools, so I ph34r that horse = pwn3d here really, which m,akes me sad.

x-post haha stevem.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Tool use, my friends. Big brain, tool use, and the world is your oyster. Right, my simian friends?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Hell in a Cell style.

Weapons are limited to whats present in the natural environment.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:14 (twenty-one years ago)

So no steel chairs?

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

No steel chairs, no dynamite, no robots.

That's fine. I'm a monkey - I fashion a deadly hammer out of a stick, some stripped bark, and a large stone. Or maybe I just peg the stone at the dumb horsey.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Monkey could poke horsie's eyes out no probs, while holding on with simian agility and strength, then toy with the poor creature for hours. The horse has no chance here, people, are you mad?!

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:17 (twenty-one years ago)

durians would HURT

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:18 (twenty-one years ago)

At last, some sane people enter the debate.

Cute horsey DEAD, man!!! Get it????

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:21 (twenty-one years ago)

but if the monkey lands at the wrong spot (i.e. behind the horse) and gets the sweet chin music from the horse, smart monkey DEAD.

it can happen at a SPLIT SECOND.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Horses are powerful beasts too, the monkey would have a good job getting and staying on the horse long enough to poke its eyes out hell even trying to get near a horse in fight mode would be hard enough and one knock from the hooves and its monkey bye bye time.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:24 (twenty-one years ago)

this = true, one kick from a hoof = instant victory for horsey (cheers, cheers etc)

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:24 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.angelfire.com/wrestling2/kblunt/hbk7.jpg

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:24 (twenty-one years ago)

The horsites have a point here. We need to keep our monkey away from the fiendishly powerful back legs of deadly Dobbin.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:26 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.wrestlingzone.ru/moves/frogsplash.jpg

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:27 (twenty-one years ago)

You're also banking on the grip of the monkey being able to withstand the Buckaroo Finishing Move.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Having already eaten horse, Cabbge comes in an sneakily gives a steel chair to the horse, which poleaxes the monkey. The Horse climbs to the top turnbuckle and does a splash down. Monkey is dead. Cabbage eats Monkey for tea.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't favour the monkey on your back stategy. I still saying hanging back, up high, chucking rocks for 3 weeks is the safe and secure way to bring down Beauty.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Also the horse has herbivore large field vision so approaching it from behind is hard.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Ready spatchcocked by being squished by horsie, presumably.

xpost that refers to the monkey for tea innit.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:29 (twenty-one years ago)

So what kind of environment are we talking here? Is the fight taking place in a ring with ropes/chairs/tables etc., or are we in the wide open outdoors? This matters lots, people, now focus.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:31 (twenty-one years ago)

I have to leave you now. Please, please, play fair.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Then they lez up

Almost work safe. But not quite.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:33 (twenty-one years ago)

omg wtf

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Delete Interweb

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm getting one of those tattoed on my back.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:35 (twenty-one years ago)

\m/

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:36 (twenty-one years ago)

The only fair way is home and away round,s the horse's natural environment is the open plain, savanah, pampas. The monkeys domain is tropical rainforest or jungle.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:36 (twenty-one years ago)

The horse stands no chance in the rainforest - the monkey an outside change of getting a few hits in the Savannah round but would ultimately lose. Monkey wins on away goals rule.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:38 (twenty-one years ago)

we need a pictorial demonstration of this epic battle, in the style of Tekken

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:44 (twenty-one years ago)

instead i'll just post this

http://base58.com/pics/b3ta/corrie_sf.jpg

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:44 (twenty-one years ago)

instead i'll just post this

http://base58.com/pics/b3ta/corrie_sf.jpg

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:45 (twenty-one years ago)

the music mole has forgotten that the horse has a larger stomach and fat capacity and so this gruelling 3 weeks smackdown will result with the monkey starved to death and the horse merely losing a few pounds here and there (remember the monkey also has to spend energy holding onto a cage and throwing wee stones here - and how do these stones get onto a cage?!??!)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:46 (twenty-one years ago)

come on then mike!!!!!! i'll take you on.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:47 (twenty-one years ago)

surely for the horse to win by kicking the monkey, the monkey would have to be standing behind the horse - why would the monkey do that? ergo, i see no reason that the monkey would lose. unless it was a stupid monkey.

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:02 (twenty-one years ago)

IT WAS THE BLURST OF TIMES?!?!

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:04 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.vivaria.net/experiments/notes/prototype/polly.jpg

monkeys are smart though

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:11 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.feng-shui.net.au/Uploads/Images/brass%20monkey%20on%20horse.jpg

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:12 (twenty-one years ago)

if the monkey was standing beside the horse, it could kick with its front hoof, which IIRC is actually worse than being hit w/a rear hoof

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:13 (twenty-one years ago)

If that happens, this monkey's gone to heaven.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:13 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.lovethosegifts.com/products/full/6328.jpg

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

i think the monkey would be too quick for that.l it's too easy for the monkey to get on the horses back - THEN WHAT CAN SAVE YOUR PRECIOUS HORSE?

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:15 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.packrat-toyz.com/images/Marx%20Picts/New%20Figures/Gold_Armor.jpg

magical golden armour?

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

why are there so many statues and toys featuring monkeys riding horses?

― weft (weft), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:25 (twenty-one years ago)

This question taps deep into the psyche of mankind, hence the toys and statues depicting the epic struggle.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Because monkeys love horses and would never start a fight with one. Horses, on the other hand, are just waiting for that one perfect opportunity.

http://9-dragons.com.tw/product/image/horse%20monkey.jpg http://thumb1.svl.overture.com/image/310128369 http://www.yanginternational.com/brass-horse-monkey-a.jpg http://www.touchngofarm.com/jpg.folder/NUT8.jpg http://antiquetintoy.com/zridingmonkey.jpg

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 11:41 (twenty-one years ago)

If the monkey knew to stay in front of the horse, the horse would have to mash it's monkey face off using it's own head. Inevitably 9 out of 10 shots would miss as the monkey jumped aside, causing the horse to sustain several damaging blows on the ground to it's own head. It's not a long term strategy obviously.

― Tripitaka, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 12:34 (twenty-one years ago)

flange

― Tristan Hockin, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 12:55 (twenty-one years ago)

But the horse could use it's powerful forelegs rearing up and then smashing down upon the monkeys frail body.

Monkeyboys got no chance.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 12:58 (twenty-one years ago)

monkey.
monkey could strangle horse with it's tail.
monkey could throw out a banana peel making the horse slip and fall.
monkey could hide in the trees.
monkey could possibly scare the horse making it run out into traffic.
Then the horse and the driver that killed it would die and vultures would eat it and then poop it out later and fertilizing the earth making little pretty yellow flowers grow that another animal will eat and poop out later making little pretty purple flowers grow which a bee will feed upon it's pollen. THE CIRCCCCCLLLLEE OF LIIIIIIIFFFE!
La La LA lllaaa!
weeeeeee!

― zingers, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 13:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Your mama.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This is the only possible answer to a question like this.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 14:44 (twenty-one years ago)

i vaguely recall starting a hypothetical fight debate thread on ilx about a year ago, but damned if i can remember who the agents were, nevermind who 'won'.

― mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 14:49 (twenty-one years ago)

(ps. monkey i think)

― mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 14:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Who would win a fight between a horse and an electric toaster?

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 14:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Obviously whether the toaster is plugged in or not is U&K here.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

If it's plugged in, it's room for manoevre is restricted.

― Dave B (daveb), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Do we really mean a monkey, or do we mean an ape or a chimpanzee?

― Sick Nouthall (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:05 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.planet-familyguy.com/downloads/wallpapers/andrew/evilmonkey-tn.jpg

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

And whether there's toast in it or not. Razor thin throwing toasts.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:08 (twenty-one years ago)

flaming toasts! (a toaster in our uni did that - set toasts actually on fire before spitting them out!!)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:09 (twenty-one years ago)

It could probably balance spinning plates too. I'd like to see a horse attempt that.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw a thing on tv where a gang of apes ripped off another ape's testicles.

― kirsten (kirsten), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Uh, sorry kirsten, that was Golden Girls.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 17:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Picture this, the Belgian Congo, 1963...

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:15 (twenty-one years ago)

also: im' drunk

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, the Q&A session is the best part of sex, no doubt. It always reminds me of the bit on the Carol Burnett Show when she'd talk to the audience.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:18 (twenty-one years ago)

actually the orgasm part was a little better, to be honest.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't argue with that.

(It's not until just now that I realized you probably mean "monstrous manual" in the D&D sense. That's reeeeeally geeky :))

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:23 (twenty-one years ago)

geek love! yes.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:27 (twenty-one years ago)

also he said monkey but he would.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:28 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.supermanhomepage.com/images/characters/superpets/Beppo-tb.JPG

Of course monkey wins!

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:31 (twenty-one years ago)

BABOON

medium animal
hit dice: 1d8+1
AC 13
attack: 1d6+3

LIGHT HORSE

hit dice: 3d8+6
AC 13
attack: 1d4+1

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Hit points mean nothing when there's a wand of fireballs in the room and only one critter that can pick it up.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Does D&D make allowances for savanna/jungle/hell in a cell combats?

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 06:56 (twenty-one years ago)

okay so I had sex with mr teeny and then later asked him this (not on purpose, it's just the way it turned out) and he said he would get out his monstrous manual and we would settle this BY SCIENCE later.
Well, sure, expose your biases, Teeny!
http://www.szilagyi.us/images/Simpsons/MrTeeny.jpg

― Prude (Prude), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:01 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.equerry.com/pics/fun-face-red-72.gif

Spellcasting...

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

haha if it had been BEFORE the sex, getting his MONSTROUS MANUAL out could have meant something entirely different.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:08 (twenty-one years ago)

nudge nudge...

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:12 (twenty-one years ago)

New euphamism ="The horse is fighting the monkey"

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:14 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

revive! I don't see how a monkey, even a strong monkey, could ever win. People have focussed on the monkey being able to outwit the horse by means of some trick whereby it can blind the horse, poke its eye or whatever. For the monkey has no chance on the ground as the horse can outrun it and indeed kick it to death. Assuming there is a vantage point from which the monkey can attack, once the monkey is on the horse's back or head the horse can easily shake it off (strength advantage) and then the monkey's back on the floor and can be trampled.

The banana skin doesn't work for 4 legged animals...I suppose if there were multiple banana skins the horse might fall over but even a horse on the ground would still be able to kick the monkey.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 9 May 2004 07:21 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...

for one thing Mark, horses are spooked by a breeze, let alone a terrifying monkey. The horse may bolt, but it would not get a chance to kick the monkey. The monkey is scared too, but also a screaming, terrifying FREAK, keeping its distance, hiding out in the trees, and THROWING ROCKS. What answer has Mr Ed to that? He can only do the bolt and escape, or sort of canter around, plunging his bleeding head and frothing at the mouth, until monkey freak bruises him so much he collapses. Then monkey approaches cautiously, shying away and screaming, but gradually gaining in confidence... and crushes horse's head AGAIN and AGAIN with coconut.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 10:52 (twenty-one years ago)

you can't crush a horse's head with a coconut!

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Alright then, a rock. A heavy rock. Or a sharpp rock. Many times, does the monkey strike. A thousand, say, in the blistering heat of the afternoon. The horse is dead, Mr Hester.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:05 (twenty-one years ago)

why do ppl usuallly wear hard hats when riding horses? Because the danger of being thrown from the horse is ever-present and real! Monkeys weigh less than people. Being lighter they can be thrown from the back of a horse more easily. If the monkey is on the horse's back, the horse has won. If the monkey is on the ground, the horse has won. Equus victor. Game over.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Can monkeys throw BIG ROCKS IRL? I don't think so. You are confusing real life monkeys with Hollywood inventions.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Monkeys can throw medium sized rocks then.

There is no tree? There is no fence? There is no promontory? Just a vast flat expanse with a monkey and a horse in the middle? That is a preposterous scenario, my friend. You are positing a lanscape with the featureless geometry of a cheap videogame! I call bullshit on videogame setting for this hypothetical! Where's the referee?

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Music Mole have you lost it completely? There are plenty of environments in the real world which are completely devoid of trees, fences and promontories. The Sahara, the Siberian tundra, even some pasrts of the Scottish highlands.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

The Sahara - horse cannot even walk in sand! Monkey hides on dune and throws sand. If there are trees and rocks, so much the better.

Siberian tundra - monkey throws snowballs and hides out on outcrops!

Scottish highlands - trees, rocks, hills!!

This farce must end, Mark: you are flogging a dead horse. The matter has been settled. In all locales, the monkey reigns supreme.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Horses cannot walk on sand, yeah right! Like a horse's hoof is SO different from that of its close relative the donkey. Or do I somehow suffer severe delusions every time I go to the seaside and see kids riding donkeys on the beach?

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Why wouldnt the horse just ... well, run off?

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Because he ain't afraid of no stinkin' Monkey!

― Craig Gilchrist, Sunday, 29 August 2004 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I posit the theory that perhaps this horse has (at some prior time) been forced to view the film M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate). The horse will hence, have none but bloody murderous intent toward the monkey.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 29 August 2004 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

All monkey films are classic. The monkey would use his film earnings to buy a hammer and easily win. (I think a monkey would win anyway.)

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I read that as 'earrings' and became momentarily confused.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Hey I never said it was the same monkey - I guess that makes the horse a bigot though.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...

it would totally be the horse.

― AaronK (AaronK), Thursday, 14 April 2005 14:06 (twenty years ago)

what kind of monkey? an ape, like a gorilla, vs. a horse might be something. just a monkey though, and i stand by my original opinion that it is obviously the horse. unless the monkey could annoy the horse to death.

― ryan (ryan), Thursday, 14 April 2005 15:51 (twenty years ago)

http://www.alonapalmbeach.com/images/monkey_o.jpg

http://www.irtc.org/ftp/pub/stills/1999-06-30/dmvoyage.jpg

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 14 April 2005 15:56 (twenty years ago)

one month passes...

New match

Midgets Verus Lion

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 10:55 (twenty years ago)

Dick Butkus!

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 12:35 (twenty years ago)

one year passes...

lol @ midgets

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Monday, 11 September 2006 02:13 (nineteen years ago)

Did we ever reach a consensus? Should we take a vote?

― rattusnorvegicus (ratty!!), Monday, 11 September 2006 02:23 (nineteen years ago)

seven months pass...

shall we do a poll?

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 13:17 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.world-cup-blog.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/graham%20poll.jpg

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 13:59 (eighteen years ago)

a horse would win of course. slap his penis a few times against the dog and *boing* dead (as a) dog.

― nathalie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:08 (eighteen years ago)

wait, when did the dog get involved?

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:37 (eighteen years ago)

When the monkey was clever enough to run off. duh!

― nathalie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:56 (eighteen years ago)

I don't know who would win, but I'm prepared to put real money into training up a monkey to leap out at horses and start fights with them. Maybe Colin could train them for me. He's got some good ideas on this thread.

― accentmonkey, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 15:21 (eighteen years ago)

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