In this thread, Sarah keeps everyone up to date with her/Link's adventures in Hyrule

Right then after faffing about in the Kokiri forest for yonks, I eventually got enough money for a shield. I then wandered about for ages going AHA! I shall DEFEND myself from you EVIL ROCK!! Then I found the Lost Woods and found some strange skull kids, but couldn't do anything with them. On returning to the Kokiri forest, I went back to the training grounds, just for a turkish, and then found a SECRET PASSAGE!

Rar!! Then I had to go through a bit of a maze thing with a ROLLING STONE (not the scary one, just a huge deadly stone of death) and then CHEERS CHEERS I found the Kokiri sword! K-grebt! On escaping I was very impressed with the Jump Attack but I am still not very good at the FITE!

HAHA in your FACE Mido, I haf equipped a SWORD and a SHIELD. I then wandered along to the poor old cursed GRATE DEKU TREE - poor Deku tree! And then I found lots of deadly plants haha ph34r m3 plantZoR for I kicked their ass. Then I got deku stixx0r and deku nuts and a slingshot, kblimey. I found a compass and map, and fought a horrible scary spider thing by attacking it's BELLY.

I then ASCENDED something and then decided cor blimey I am knackered and Help I'm a Sleb Get Me Out Of Here was on, so I saved the game and watched Tara PT being a mentalist.

Zelda is better now than I thought it was. HAHA!

*slashes KICK ASS Kokiri sword*!

My fairy is very cute.

The Lost Woods are a pain in the knickers too. Can I do anything there now I have a sword? I feel mean attacking the skull kidZoR with my SWORD as they have done nothing to me.

Oh hahaha when I beat up the evil scrub plant and it told me a hint in order for me not to kill it I felt OH SO IN CONTROL - give me POWER!! POWER!!!

Z Targeting is proving a bit handy but still a bit fiddly.

I feel very sad whenever Link dies!

And when he gets hurt there is such a SCREAM of pain!

Waaaaaaaaaaa poor Link, what I put him through for kicks.

Obviously if it is, you're excused from replying.

Sarah Sarah the one consolation to faffing about in the Lost Woods forever (and don't worry, you'll figure it out quite quickly) is that you get to hear SARIA'S SONG, which is perhaps the best piece of video game music ever written. LEEsten!

Hmmm the skull kidZ0r said that maybe they should do something so I am guessing I have to bring them something, do I need to bring them an instrument so they sing me a song?

YAAH! *jump attack*!

I am still faffing about in the GRATE DEKU TREE to yer GRATE DISAPPOINTMENT no doubt - but I managed to kill a *gold skulllalalala* or something and got a token to prove it, with hints from Alang I broke out of the room with iron bars, and then wandered about a bit, as I gather I am supposed to go into the basement of the GRATE DEKU TREE but I do not know how...

(hahaha I shall take the ring to Mordor but I do not know the way)!

A HEM - nabitsuh. Remember these words: "Saria's song"? Thanks MUCH, fucker.

*kicks legs frantically*

Anyway so Sarah how do people usually wind up getting through real spiderwebs?

Also SARAH: it's a very big game, so if you get stuck for a really long time on anything, don't be afraid to just look up the solution. Obviously you don't want to do that more than a few times, but the game is expansive enough that a few helpful answers won't ruin much of the fun.

CORRey
Eck
Beef

Beef and Eck was rub at this game so they're deleted. I kept CORRey in case I get bored with the early stages.

Save games on Second Hand Games = CLASSIC.

OOhhh but the poor Deku tree! I kickz0red arse of the strange spider mentalist on the first attempt and got my extra Heart container, yay! B-b-but the poor Deku tree turned to stone! And when I ran away but Navi stayed being sad... awwww!

It is annoying how each time you save and go back you wake up back in the Kokiri village - grrr. Anyway, I got through the castle and learnt Zeldas lullaby and now I am in the village before the MOUNTAIN OF DEATH running about after chickens. Bloody chickens! I've also been to the graveyard and played Zeldas lullaby to open the tomb of the Royal Family but am not sure what do do in there yet. I am guessing, light the unlit torches and hem hem, shine light on the undead, but I don't know how. I also don't know how to get the chicken out of the box OR get the chicken that is on the roof. GAH!

And is there something you have to do with the men that keep running about?

Haha I like the gravedigger dude though.

OH and I need empty bottles to catch ghosts in. I was nearly killed by ghosts (but don't worry I am hard and kickxx0red ass). Stupid ghosts.

Hint?

Zelda is a bit of a hippy I think, but as for her dominatrix bodyguard woman, COR!

Also classic are the Banjo Tooie pisstakes of the End of Level boss "posturing" and silly names. ha ha.

I have no idea how to reach the geezer chicken on the roof.

Poor house of Skulltula though! I shall free their curse!! Oh yes!!

Possibly the hint you're looking for: Earth chickens are flightless. You are in Hyrule.

Hmph.

Yes and then I showed the guard Zeldas letter and he let me go up the mountain. There were spiderzzz. I kicked their MO-FO-ing asses and then went to see the sleepy and hungry Gorons. Heh! THEN I had to go back to the lost woods, follow the song, and met up with Saria post-kickZor1ng ass of the bloody nasturtiums. Then I learnt Sarias song! People appear to like to dance to it. So hooray hooray cheers cheers Big Brother Goron was made happy and now I have to find another spiritual stone, and something about a Dodongo cavern, but by then I was too stressed and tired to play so I said bye bye to Alang and curled up on the sofa and watched Tom try to play Jak and Daxter and catch the sculptors muse.

Did you finally manage to catch it, Tom?

(maybe)

Getting to negative distance of a large fish is surely imminent!

ANYWAY! *rises above snotty BOY*

Yes yes! I kept on wandering about in the Dodongo cavern and threw some BOMBz0r in the Dodongo's eyes. Then his tongue came down and I wandered FURTHER INTO THE ABYSS hem-hem. After faffing about with those annoying things in the air (Z-targeting is really starting to feck me off, might I add) which kept setting me on fire, I finally managed to meet the KING DODONGO who is a bit of a hardkore muthafucker yesno?

So what I did with him was use Z-TARGETING (when it WORKS that is) and chuck bombs in his mouth, and when they explode WHACK HIM argh argh argh with my sword and after what barely seemed any time at all he went on a little roll round his circuit and then fell into the pool in the centre. GRAND! I thort.

So then I got an extra heart container and BOOGIED AROUND THE ROOM to the theme of RA RA RASPUTIN (which was playing as I killed the Dodongo) and the SPIRITUAL STONE! And then I became SWORN BROTHERS with the Gorons HEH HEH.

So after that I bimbled up the mountain hello rocks hello... some more rocks and met the BIG FAIRY. She was quite frightening actually, I hope she doesn't turn out to be a baddie. She's got a lot of power and WE KNOW HOW POWER CORRUPTS ect ect. She taught me a new sword technique and then the owl took me er... somewhere.

Ah yes! Back to Hyrule Field. Then I found the Zoras. I like the Zoras! I learnt the diving game and got a letter in a bottle from Princess Rub(ato) and then showed it to the King, who let me go and see Lord Jabu-Jabu who is a stone fish (haha stonefish haha). I opened up the fish with an offering of well, a FISH and then entered into LORD JABU-JABU's BELLY!

Groo! It is not that mingy do not worry.

So now I have met the princess and she ran away down a hole. I went down a hole after her but she wasn't there, so I guess I have to return back there and go down another hole to try and find her. It is all quite confusing, even without the fact that I am wandering around the belly of a FISH GOD cor blimey trousis.

The the princess and me STEP INTO THE LIGHT and she gives me the Spiritual Stone of Water which also doubles as the Zora's engagement ring which is rather worrying...

Then off to Hyrule Castle where some EVIL GIT is running away with Princess Zelda!! Blah blah blah. Zelda throws an ocarina into the river. Cheers Zelda... I go get the ocarina and then bob off to the temple ov time, play THE SONG OF TIME and cor blimey-o LOOK WOT HAPPENED. I get the Master Sword! But because I am not big enough to wield it and therefore become THE HERO OV TIME, they seal my spirit up in some tupperware for seven years and I go to sleep and grow up to become BIG AND STRONG!

Then a sage turns up and gives me his power and then I have to go and find BLOODY SARIA. As if I care.

The place has changed hasn't it? There are some scary people in Hyrule castle courtyard. I run past them. I now find that the Sun's song freezes them but I still can't kill em... EEK! I run off to the Kokiri forest to try and find Saria. There are now EVIL THINGS there and I take grebt pleasure in kicking their asses.

However the fairy folk are still nippers and I am all growed up!! Yikes! I wonder if Saria will be growed up when I see her, I hope so cos quite frankly the game will get dodgy if she doesn't... I reckon Saria is actually one of the sages and will give me her power when I eventually find her.

I can't remember how I knew this but she was in the Forest Temple. After getting lost in the Lost Woods for FIVE THOUSAND YEARS, I eventually draw a map and find my way to the sacred forest field - and a shortcut to the land of the GORONS surprisingly enough...

Am pleased to see that this time I do not have the overhead shot and the evil flowers again. Instead I have to look round the corners and hit EVIL GUARDS with my hookshot hahaha. Am annoyed that boomerang cannot be used by adult Link as I only just got it! Finally get past them and reach that bodyguard chicksa. THEN - the Forest Temple, where you'll currently find me having beaten two ghosts, trying to find the others.

Damn ghosts.

Lover of the russian queen...

I think I might have to shoot some targets with my FAIRY BOW now. I tell you what, those hands that cling on to the wall and then jump down on you are right blooming bastards. The game is now getting quite scary and I'm nervous about fighting the BOSS. I found a KEY to get into his room in a fancy chest after I killed one of those scary hands. Zoiks!

I wonder if Saria has grown up...

"ooh STARRY i knew you would return..."

I wouldn't have bloody done if I'd known YOU'D still be about you weedy mare. Your bloody song gets stuck in my head and would it have been too much to give me some DIRECTIONS through the forest temple eh?! For a sage (ok I am only guessing this) she's rub.

dur dur dur, da da da, dododododod, lalalalalaaaaaar, durdurdurdurduuuuuur...

HMPH I think, as I strike it down, there's gratitude for you. Ghost is duly tw4tted, then I go into the main circle and fight the purple ghost who splits into several ghosties. This doesn't take so long, then all the torches are lit and an elevator appears!

This leads me down to thee BOSS, the EVIL SPIRIT FROM BEYOND: THE PHANTOM GANOM!!

He is a double hard bastard and I have not killed him yet.

Git.

It's bloody stupid, you gotta target picture w/ yr arrows until you see a horse galloping towards you and if when he reaches the top he wheels back then you've got to get out of the arrow view, turn, try and z-target behind you IF IT WORKS, and then if he hits you you use TWO HEARTS!! Bloody hell. I hate him. I got very tired and grumpy at him last night and ate three croissants.

oh, the excitement. oh, the intrigue.

Did you KNOW that I was just thinking about Five Alive or what?? Do you work downstairs at our canteen?

Heavy, dude, woah...

Shall I say anymore or will it be SPOILERS for poor Nitsuh?

Anyway. Gorons Gorons lovely Gorons. Aren't they lovely? I stopped one in Goron City and it started to cry because it was sad and it's dad had gone to try and save the Gorons from the evil dragon VALVAG1N4 (or something) so then HOORAY off I go to DEATH MOUNTAIN CRATER! There that Sheikah teaches me the BOLERO OF FIRE (this is getting ridiculous) which is quite good actually and OFF TO THE FIRE TEMPLE! The fire temple is a pain, it has all sorts of rub. I am stuck there at the moment but I have freed two Gorons, wizz!

ALSO I can't beat Ingo in the bloody race round the corral.

Right I still haven't caught any fairies in bottles. It sounds a bit cruel to me, after all, Navi is a fairy and I wouldn't lock up Navi in a bottle! Instead I filled up THREE BOTTLES with Lon Lon milk in order to beat the subterranean lava dragon VOLVAGIA - who is a (ahem), giant pulsing snake, who ERUPTS from steaming holes in the ground and... erm... spouts out fire... do we have a little too much time on our hands Mr End of Level Boss Designer? Do we have some issues? Anyway. Volvagia was quite hard to get the hang of. If it wasn't for me remembering about the Lon Lon milk I would have stood no chance, but hooray for LLM restoring 5 hearts! Grand altogether! Dead dragon. I must say THANKS NAVI for being no help at all whatsoever.

"Ooh I don't know how to fight this"

Cheers Navi neither do I, but I am guessing it is something to do with this new item I haf VIZ thee MEGATON HAMMER! Thwack thwack.

So anyway, giant dragon is now beaten and the cloud above Death Mountain has gone back to normal. I can't be bothered to race Ingo around the corral so I am trying to find what to do next. Navi keeps burbling about an arctic breeze blowing from Zoras river. So what do you know, I go all the way over there and Navi is korreckt for all is FROZEN over! And the king is trapped in some strawberry jelly. I tried whacking him and even used DINS FIRE to try and thaw him out and find what's going on but to no avail. Lord Jabu Jabu has also seemingly gone for a wander, but I got another heart piece from where he used to be.

Therefore, I am now at a loss of what to do. A wander round the map took me to the valley of the gerudos but there was nowt there. A wander to the lake just got me wet. Blooming Zoras.

http://www.games-chart.com/files/linkrender1.JPG

And you know what you have to do to get Epona, so get to it.

Why the Edge hate? It knows its niche and sticks to it.

I am going on holiday soon, and when I return I will have Zelda waiting for me. Sweet.

Because they probably wouldn't even read what Sarah just wrote (stage left, confidently stated: the best games writing I ever read) never mind consider the possibility of her writing for them. Probably. Maybe.

Also, their reviews focus too much on plot. Ie, at all.

Nice front covers, though.

Returning from holiday to find Zelda waiting = k-sweet.

I wub EDGE magazine! I haf never bought it for I am a pov, but I always nick Tom's copies. Sorry Tom I accidentally split wax all over the RETRO (the black one) edition and now it's a bit manky. Games testers seem to get paid squillions too. I WANT IN! Actually, J was telling me about a mate of hers who is a tester for a certain omnipresent games company (cough cough)... I wonder if I could kill him and pretend to be him for a little while.

I think I should go and look at the EDGE forums.

Ug - although this could be dangerous. I started writing a FEMINIST RANT re: their GURLS issue the other day and it's probably a bad idea for it to see the light of day seeing as it basically just goes STOP SEEING GURLS AS "THE OTHER" for once wouldja please?! I felt more excluded from the gaming world in the gurls issue than I usually do. The post-Lara woman. OH THAT'S NOT BEEN DONE BEFORE cheers Edge magazine. I'd be more interested in the post-Zelda women myself. Who *cares* about Jen from Primal. Certainly not I.

However I am biased due to not really being able afford a) consoles b) games c) games magazines har har. Maybe I'd care if I had the game but I doubt it.

No no... must suppress urge for feminist rant abt games haven't even played...

I think becoming a games tester is really difficult and you need to live in one of those Sheffield places, like Birmingham.

EDGE is far too expensive. Nice matt cover. Great ratings system (ie well applied). The RETRO one looks a!c!e but the EQUIP one (the new series) looks k-dud Industry Insider style. Tho' I haven't picked it up yet just looked at it from across a dingy WH Smiths.

I used to post at the EDGE forums but I can't find them anymore.

RANT!

I only ask 'cos I live on like £15 a week for lunch, drink, delicate comestibles, magazines, and music (cleaning, electricity, rent, normal food all-inclusive) and still manage to buy myself a copy of EDGE and WIRE every month when they come out.

You do live in London, though. True.

I hope there's going to be a bit more story concerning Lord Jabu Jabu coming up soon. I've had to mess around in his belly and now I appear to have to be in his domain AGAIN - there'd better be a REASON for this Miyamoto.

YOU MUST GET EPONA!!! IT IS THE SINGLE BEST THING IN THE GAME.

OOOOOH, actually, I just rememebered, besides the UNBREAKABLE Goron sword.

re:Lord Jabu Jabu - if you've done the belly-test (which is k-annoying) look out because here comes the worst temple in the game (you're big Link, right?) - The Water Temple! Urgh.

I really like Sheik (?), the purple guy with the blonde hair that hangs over his right eye. Mmm. Nice. And in Smash Bros. he throws Ninja Stars and has an electric whip!

And, kinda, goes ya-ya-ya-YA!

I think I like LITTLE LINK the bestest. It's all to do with the hii-YA! And the way he wobbles and nearly falls into the treasure chests! Classic! I am also very amused by the grumpy guy in the windmill. Fnur. I am irritated by the guy who wants me to sell him something with C bcz he will not buy my yellow mask. I think I am not very good in the entrepeneurial world of Hyrule.

Curse you, I'm going to buy Edge magazine at lunchtime. Curses curses.

New EDGE: new Zelda review. Pics, pics.

You might like this.

HAHA!

Also a HUGE GRRR to Simon Byron. Jaysus christ did they run out of trained monkeys to write columns for them?

I like the look of all these cel-shaded games coming out. At least hopefully we can start moving away from characters who ALL LOOK LIKE THE SAME POLYGONS MESHED TOGETHER yawn yawn and thrice yawn.

Gosh I must play Zelda again tonight. Also I must change my bedsheets.

I feel left out with EDGE magazine for I don't know what Everquest is. Is it like DOOM?!

Doom doom doom, doom doom doom, doom doom (god can you tell I watched loads of Invader Zim)...

Or, apparently, anyone else. Hahaha. Oh, bollocks. (sound of another good game going into oblivion)

Actually, the Samus Aran thing is an interesting point: is it a step in the right direction to have more characters which are in passing girls, eg Samus and Sheik? Having played Metroid Prime into a bloody pulp over the weekend, it's almost never mentioned (except one of the chozo lores sez "and a figure is becomign clear in our visions... a woman?" Yes, she's a bird, but then so are the rest of you).

Problem with that idea: Samus Aran is not a new character, and indeed predates Lara Croft.

Sarah: Everquest was the first of these online RPGs where you pay money to go and fight things with strangers/friends, in theory. People have, like, gotten married in it and shit.

Also see
http://www.gamegirladvance.com/archives/2003/04/16/genderplay_successes_and_failures_in_character_designs_for_videogames.html

Blinding flash
Disorienting flutter
Ear-piercing "LEESTEN" of death
Crotch-bomb

I am dumm y'know. How am I supposed to see invisible ampersands?

YOU TWO!!!!!! NO BLOODY BIG SPOILERS!!!!!!

There is a vague background irritation that I bought a mask from the woman in the marketplace and no-one will buy the cockfarming thing. Saving the Gorons is one thing but knowing that you're a failure in the business world is another. Also what the mother is going on with the poachers sword?

Navi you had better be more help in the Water temple. Oh god I bet it's full of those things that spit rocks at you. BLURRRH.

I have gathered that my next stop is to visit Lord J-J and then off to the water temple. This is a bit suxx0r cos you usually get a nice "pressure off" wandering about bit before you're thrown into another temple.

There is such a heart-rending moment of innocence when little Link goes back to the Kokiri village after being a grown up and all the little fairies don't know about time moving on and that he's not really a Kokiri after all (although I think being a Kokiri is better than being a rubbish HUMANG).

Who did you get the poacher's sword from again?

There's still a bit to go before the Water Temple. You'll probably be able to get the two bits above properly finished, though you'll need Epona for one of them.

I can't really remember, but one assumes one got the poachers sword from a poacher. I remember I had a vague race against time thing with some potions, which I won, I got the sword and er... that appeared to be it. Hmmm.

SARAH!!! You've started me playing this through again now!

I'll probably end up playing it again when I get the free copy with new Zelda, but only after I'm finished the real one.

(I'm sorry, you were supposed to breeze right past my post and not notice anything. I still blame Cozen for calling attention to it.)

I must play Zelda tonight. I was going to play it last night but I was distracted by Scrabble and pie. I wish you could have words like "hyrule" and "navithefairy" and "HACKSLAHHIIIIIIIYAH"!!! And "Goron". God I was so happy when I went back to the Gorons gaff as a growed up and met a baby Goron called Starry! ROCK!! And when you free the Gorons! The way they happily run off into the light!!!

I think I still have to faff about in his belly don't I.

Does DINS FIRE ever become a k-useful spell? I tried to thaw out KING ZORA with it but it did not work :(

Still haven't got the bloody horse.

It really is beautiful.

OOOH yesterday I found the ICE CAVERN! There are lots of ICE MONSTERS that form from cold breath and whack you into a big block of ICE until you HACK yr way out YAH! I also found a "blue unnatural flame" (cheers Navi the Fairy) which I stored in a BOTTLE and then thawed out a bunch of red ice. Grand! Grrr those ICE MONSTERS are evil. And as for the evil blue bats that set you on fire as well - they are the ENEMY and were making me very annoyed until the deployment of the BOW AND ARROW.

Shot through the heart! And I'm to blame! They give Hyrule! A BAD NAME!

So anyway I unthaw King Zora and you think he'd be grateful but now he's just banging on about Princess Ru(b)to AGANE. Oh but I did get a lovely new FROCK from him in this winters shade of BLOO. Score!

But then I was tired and grumpy and full of TACO so I went to bed after saving. I guess I am going to go to Lord JJ's manor again and swim about a bit to see if there's anything to do round there. Or am I barking up the wrong Greek? There's not much else to do in the Ice Cavern as far as I can see. Apart from the satisfaction of killing the evil freezer pops.

I haf no shoes apart from my KOKIRI BOOTIES.

Oh I tell a lie, it's hilarious. Run through the Water Temple my little Goth Link! Hm I am now PONDERING in the Water Temple, after changing the water level three times and getting the compass/map ect ect I now seem to be back to where I started. I hope I do not have to map it myself so I can remember what on earth is where. I shall SCOUR the map to try and find out where I need to go.

I tell you what, I am MOST ANGRY that those spider geezers from DEATH MOUNTAIN VALLEY are in the water temple. They keep jumping on me when I'm in the water and I can't fight them, and THEN jump on me as I'm trying to climb out of the water grrrr.

Ah well I shall play again tonight and faff about for a bit longer and then get to the MASSIVELY SPOILERED BIT argrhghh *staples hand to forehead*

Now it is grebt cos I am in GERUDO FORTRESS I believe. Haha! There are WARRIOR WIMMIN there who keep arresting me. I put my hands up and let them cart me away. I feel like a cross between the SWEENY and Open All Hours, cheeky pixie, OI OI! However I am rather SHOCKED as this is the first time where you actually kill REAL ACTUAL HUMANGS with BLUD and stuff. Rather shocking. Brings the HORROR to you, really!

Although fighting Shadow STARRY/link was GRATE FUN! However it was really blooming obvious how to beat him, I wish I'd hung about for a little longer and had fun but no WHACK with the hammer and SCREW YOU WATER TEMPLE!

Phew, not in wedlock to Ruto eh?

Sarah, how many medallions have you got left to get, one or two?

LOOK AT THE "LINK" (ahahahahha) above! It's FUNNY! Esp when he sings along to Saria's song ahahaha.

Hm so you reckon I should do shadow temple first too? My map still doesn't indicate anything in Kakariko to do, but I've done the cut scene where the bad mojo has been released.