A new fave in pointless spam

I'm thinking of changing my hotmail junk mail filter to exclusive delete immediately, so if people ever want to contact me, they should try the webmail link instead. It's just that I'm fed up of having 30 new messages, but none of them for me really. I'd rather have no messages at all.

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Let's start sending people ones that say "I haven't contacted the police. I've dropped the $50,000 in unmarked bills in the flower pot at the corner of Elm and Maple, as you asked. When will I get my daughter back?"

Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2002 13:39:23 -0700
From: OneDV8
To: "ACharmingOne (E-mail)"
Subject: Whoops!

Sorry about that: I told ya all about that software program, and then I forgot to tell ya what it is ... It's called Idea Profiler.

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Anmerkung: Die Geldanweisung muß mit dem Total Preis plus den Versandkosten

Uhm. No. No, they don't. Well, that's to say, yes, all of them do, but no.

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Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 02:55:59 +0900
From: Tessa
To: ned@kuci.org
Subject: Re: Ned @ Trust today he unhappily has tricky snags! @ JO1p7eShUw32

[The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set]
[Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set]
[Some characters may be displayed incorrectly]

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"you forgot your umbrella"

oh man.....

also, spam received yesterday apparently from "noemi klein"! famous! er.

-----Original Message-----
From: Byron Marrero [mailto:6v8jyt2t75@eguo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2003 11:59 AM
To: Ally Kearney
Subject: MAKE HER SCREAM MOAN ALL NIGHT, GET A BIGGER DICK deprecatory
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which are coincidentally the titles of my next two albums!

the subject line = "someone that hurt me - infamydirge"

What are the washing instructions?
The hues of the opal, the light of the diamond, are not to be seen if the
eye is too near.

The cruelest thing a man can do to a woman is to portray her as perfection.
Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

It's like Dr. Bronner came back from the dead.

OTM!

Not sure what this means, but it sounds fun!

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
Losing is no disgrace if you've given your best. "

indigestibles

So maybe it's more of a gay thing?

Maybe internet masturbators are just bored and would like to impress themselves with heroic spooging? Which would be fun, I guess, but I don't do laundry nearly enough to start dreaming of that.

I wonder if that comes before or after they start microwaving bags of vaseline. I've never been a very ambitious masturbator, more of a strictly-business type.

If people want to impress their women this way they should just have sex every night for a week but never actually cum. Then, Saturday night: pasplank.

Th‮si‬ em‮ia‬l was se‮tn‬ by the Ba‮lcr‬ays s‮re‬ver to ve‮yfir‬ y‮uo‬r e‮am‬il addr‮se‬s. You m‮tsu‬ c‮telpmo‬e t‮sih‬ p‮ssecor‬ by clic‮ik‬ng
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I can't believe that I've never heard of this phrase.

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Hm.

Her: "Blimey! That was a lot!"
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It happens. Sometimes.

Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 11:47:53 -0500
From: Irene
To: ned@kuci.org
Subject: trite Ned crime

Trite? I'm insulted! My crimes are works of art!

From: cpmh@0451.com
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Fuck brother, ...

Then went on to talk about a penny stock. I now start all my emails "Fuck brother".

I also just got one with the subject "inexpedient azerbaijan".

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Not sure if you saw.
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Hmmm.

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----

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Subject: Lettisch Litauisch Malaiisch Polnisch
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I presume it to be said like the introduction to Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages"

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I want to call back just to point out that I will never consider them in the future for such shitty sales technique.

Isn't that a RZA line?

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-----Original Message-----
From: ammie gordon [mailto:cxazji@acpi-immobilier.com]

Subject: how things looing

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My husband has confidence in me, she answered proudly. I dont knowthem anyway.For miles across the plain the men who follow the trail watch the steepThere was Mrs. Berry and her sister, Miss Thornley, and Mrs. Smith.
I approached. They moved out of our way huge week ever been attempted that might have improved tape the livability  

direction and alive kept their

what he thinks of you, but I know what he thinks of me, and it wouldThey had ridden fifteen miles on a load of wheat, and had yet anotheroutlying shoulder of the Brandon Hills for a landmark. When they leavefifteen to go to reach their destination. In spite of a long, cold and

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clown The path led straight across the make clearing into With term considerable difficulty I know loosened some of shout

me. I trust him in the same way. I would believe his word against thatteeth stopped chattering, they began to ask about Mrs. sdispels the illusion, for when the traveller comes near enough to seeneighbor, young Mrs. Brydon, in such a way, that, as Mrs.

per another forest, lying distant upon the vergethe larger pieces tea of broken rock cupboard which littered the

of which operator call I saw a

of the whole world.afterwards explained to Da , you could tell they had heardthe elevation as it is, it is only a rugged bluff, bald and bare, andsomething.
bit ambulance of white. hundred floor and placed them as a barrier before everything the fifty doorway.  

It crime appeared to stand out in marked contrastOur lads saw her over at the Orangemens ball in Millford, and they

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"Angelina Jolie And Madonna Compete For Adoption Of Jamie Lynn Spears Baby"

"Paris Hilton Lectures On Dickens And Dostoevsky"

"US invades Iran"

"Occupation of Iran"

"Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina"

"Bush 'Troubled' by Gay Marriages. Declares San Francisco Part of 'Axis of Evil'"

haha for real??

"Girls will hunt you in the streets!"

oh i interpreted that as Bush being troubled by his OWN gay marriage

(xxpost) as real as any spam message can be...

also:
"R0nald0 admits to being bi sexual"

shit just keeps getting better...

"Bu5h is gay"
"Mcc4in And Bu5h To Dance In Puppet Show"
"Woman Says Jesssus Appears On Easter Egg"
"Ge0rge Bu5h And His Secret Sex Flap"
"Hi11ary is gay"
"(audio) Hi11ary Receives 3 A.M. Phone Call From Drunken Bi11 C1int0n"
"Jame5 B0nd To Have Gay Lover In New Film"
"5chwarz3n3gg3r Admits Starting Calif0rnia Wildfire5"
"Bu5h Averts A1banian Uprising By Invading A1abama"

...this is funnier than watching "Mock The Week"

is that the tracklist for the new anal cunt album?

It is if it also includes "Bodyguards Positioned Outside J01ies Vagina"

THey really are getting better. snoball is there any reason why you're g00g1e-proofing these things?

These are all the "click on the link to watch a video but really we'll infect your computer" type spam that's happening at the moment. I guess somebody could receive one of these spams, google the subject, and end up here. I've noticed a tendency for ILX threads to end up on the first page of Google search results. But if someone does, then what? So I suppose I'm just being overly cautious.
Spam is pretty funny right now - I'm getting these "wacky headline" ones, plus the usual PE stuff, and for some reason spam in French. I'm not French BTW.

One that got through the spam filter was an official looking one from Microsoft, which for a limited period and because of my professional status within the IT community, I qualified for a free Paris Hilton DVD.

I'm going to throw caution to the wind and print them in full. They are brilliant, it's very Weekly World News-ish.

"God Destroys Boise For Not Being Gay Enough"

Obama Captures Osama

Former Comcast customer doesn't regret hammer incident

School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy

"Brainstorming" To Be Banned Under Equality And Diversity Rules

Mccain Says Unsure If Obama A Secret Hippopotamus

subject line:

(audio) Hillary Receives 3 A.M. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton

body, followed by a funny URL I won't paste so that nobody gets infected:

Madonnas Former Home Destroyed By Jesus

oh I see snoball got this one too

School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy

This is from the Onion, I thought it rung a bell

The 'Brainstorming' one is from this cringingly unfunny site http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s1i38514

'...Drunken Bill Clinton' is from the Onion as well

"I'm not saying he is or is not a Hippopotamus, I'm merely saying that I don't know either way, and I call on Sen. Obama to clarify this issue once and for all"

Obama Comes Clean: "Im An Elitist, Ultra-Liberal Bastard"

Madonnas Former Home Destroyed By Jesus
John Mccain Sex Video Yanked From Youtube.Com

Madonna Sued For Sexual Harassment And Accent

I've had about 200 of these over the past two days, including "Blair says 'I'm not gay, it's just my accent'" (from memory, I deleted them) and "Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina".

Heather To Have Other Leg Removed

This for sheer WTFness:

"Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Unveil New Alert System"

"Stock Markets Close As Global Earth World Planet International Buys All Shares"

"Jesus Christ to Star in Next Series of Batman"

I thought he was going to concentrate on theater work.

Lindsey Lohan died in car crash. Video.

Just so you knew...

"Elton John dies in rocket ship"

(considers, deletes rant portion of this post, redirects it to a ranting-about-spam thread)

^^^ that's pretty fucking hilarious actually.

"Spielb3rg found dead in freak accident"
"Mad0nna admits to extra marital affair"

Shia LaBeouf arrested for child prostitution

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OK, so the PE spam has started up again...

"Get a rod of colossal measurements!"
"Love tool deserving of a titan!"
"Get some bonus centimetres" - I imagine that they send you a ruler?

"Love tool deserving of a titan!"

Double meaning, ho ho ho.

"Jesus Christ to Star in Next Series of Batman"

I thought he was going to concentrate on theater work.

no that all fell through. apparently now he's in the highly demanding sex change and murderous dogs industry

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also, "Gay Rights Terrorist Kills Eight In fabulous Bombing"

[and email body: Obama To Change Name To yo Mama]

I'm reading through spam when I could be sleeping. WHY

"God Accepts Responsability for Hurricane Katrina" HAhahaha

I like the two different news stories in one that I've been getting.

Statue of liberty to return to France - Oprah has dealings with mob, claim insiders.

Mountaineers forced to eat humans - Britney bares all.

Reports show women multi task better than men - Obscene rapist on the loose in the West coast, keep a lookout for this woman.

هلا بالشباب ... ممكن نتعرف .. ممكن تبعثلي بلدك ؟؟؟
Hello ..
can i talk with you ??
can you send me your country ...

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Surely if the money is free, it's worthless? Is it $2400 in Monopoly money? That you have to print out yourself?

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Kind of makes you feel nostalgic for the good old days of "n4tur4l v14gr4" and deposed Central African diplomats...

Obama Makes Appeal for Bitter White Midwesterners: "Let 'em Drive Drunk!"

Copy, or Original?

Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956)

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"Shut up shop, draw --" "Good-bye - are you always at home alone, your sister is not here with you?" He asked her as casually as possible as he went out into the passage.

Britney Spears has Fanny Magnets Grafted in to Attract Papparazzi

Britney Spear Snude

It's all about Paris Hilton today:

Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton Abducted By Aliens?
Paris Hilton Becomes Mormon -- Marries Paparazzi
Paris Hilton Wins Pulitzer Prize
Paris gets vagina insured!
Paris Hilton tosses dwarf on the street

That last one is really wtf, there are so many mental images that come to mind...

Paris Hilton Wins Pulitzer Prize

that's so true

Paris Hilton to give her body to the winner of the Tour de France

GoodDay, Want A Larger Part?,

Wanna be a p0rn star? Get a penls that will make you feel like one.

*a penis that makes me feel like a penis?

Obama Talks of Mixed Parentage, Admits Zeus Was His Father

"Girls will call you Largissimo!"

That being the Italian for "very slow", right? It's an inviting offer.

(Yeah, it's not a patch on the fake news headlines, but I have to delete 2500 spams in blocks of ten because I'm over quota on an account with some shitty webmail that doesn't let you purge the trash folder, so I'm finding what small amounts of amusement I can)

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Latonya Hinson to mark.groen
show details 2:46 PM (1 hour ago) Reply

Hello not the man familiar to me!
I understand that you now are surprised that to you this letter has
come. But I ask you simply spend 5 minutes of your time and read it
and that it can probably change and your life and mine. At first I
wished to be presented. My name to Tatyana me of 28 years I live in
Russia in the Cheboksari of I not married. And never was married.
but only me never I carried could find to
myself the man and me so it would be desirable it. And I looked as
that in the evening the TV and saw that there spoke that in Russia 30
000 000 women which live without men and that there are such marriage
agencies in which it is possible to address and in such agency to you
can pick up the man. I went to one of such agency and addressed to
them with the request that they could find for me the man they spoke
to me that this service paid and that I should pay about 1000 roubles.
At first I thought that it expensively for me but have then thought
and solved that money for me it not important that I want happiness I
want love I want the relation and I want a happy family what for to me
money without a thing it and I gave this one thousand roubles. And
they suggested me to get acquainted with the man from other country. I
have solved why and was not present if I could not find the man from
Russia such destiny can at me and I should search the man from another
of the countries. And they gave me yours e-mail the address and spoke
that you search to yourself the woman. I took all data and went to the
cafe Internet as I am not able to use well the computer and it costs
much for my payment from work. I came to the Internet of cafe and
asked that to me created the address e-mail that I from it could write
you the letter. And here now you can see my letter. I wrote you it
with hope that you will answer. As I took two photos that you could
see my appearance and to solve for yourself completely you would like
to begin dialogue and relations with me. Only I ask you at once look
at a photo esteem the letter think and solve precisely you would like
with me correspondence to me the friend to me is not necessary I and
which is ready for serious relations will be necessary to love which
MAN and creation of a family I is possible I ask you very fragile
person and if serious relations write to me tell to me are not
necessary to you that is not present I will understand. And still I
wished to speak to you that on a photo I turned out not so well as I
did these photos at home and they turned out not so well as
professional but you see me such as I look in a life. And you can
precisely define such woman as I is necessary to you or not. Very big
request Also would like if you nevertheless are interested in me that
write to me about yours e-mail where we with you could speak and a
little good photos you have gone to me.
Please write on my personal e-mail: juliab✧✧✧@ym✧✧✧.c✧✧

Here like and all that I
wished to speak with you and now I only needed to wait from you for
the answer and I hope that you will write that to me if I was not
pleasant to you or serious relations are not necessary to you let to
me know.
The lonely woman from Russia Tatyaha.

There's a couple of picures on this one as well...

Hello not the man familiar to me!

Well, this is true.

Lord that prick is heroic

Oasis' answer to Chinese Democracy.

This is just ridiculous...

Change the time in your pants from 5:30 to 12 sharp.

From some PE pills spam, the website address was feline thyroid medication...

*We got fire here, no telephone!
*Women will flow like a tide just to view your biggie pride
*You can even show your instrument at the exhibition
*Feel power and strength of your ancestors when you drilling your woman
*kill your creditors
*Get humongous fang power

had this spam today. appears to have been sent from victorian england:

"Here writes Lady Jessica, suffering from cancerous ailment. I was
married to Sir Richard Powell an Englishman who is dead. My husband was
into private practice all his life before his death. Our life together as
man and wife lasted for three decades without child, My husband and I made
a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he
had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical
disability or financial predicament."

Hello

This is my first time I have got aquainted with a man via Internet. I have no words how I feel myself. I have an interest to know more about you if you do not mind. I think you are very interesting man =)
Some things about myself I am Galina. I am 27. I was born at 21 of August in 1985. My height is 176, weight 54 kg. I have never been married and I have no kids. Now I am in search for my soulmate. I have a college education. I think I am smart and open woman that always ready to help close people and find the way. to solve any problem. I am very sincere and never hide nothing from my family and lovely man! I do not like to lie and hate the liars! I hope you are agree with me.
I trust very few people. Trust is one of the most important thing for me especially in relationships.
I work at junior school as a teacher| I am a teacher at junior school. I like what I am doing for life and adore kids. Kids are our future. Am not I right? This way I would like to find my love and to make a family. May be this is you my love??? I live in Russia with my mom,dad and brother in apartaments. I love my family. I highly appreciate my parents and proud of them. I try to support and help them in everything! Family and parents are the most precious treasures! Are you agree with me?
In a free time I try to develope my creative potential in a word I like to draw) Also I go to fitness club and swimming pool to be in a good shape. I like Jogging in the morning.
So I told you something about myself and if you have any questions feel free to ask me.
I hope you understand me well. I am sorry for my English it is not perfect. At first I was taught at school then college and language courses. I try to do all my best to speak better English.
I want to know more about you and your life. If you want to tell me of course)
I think we should be sincere it is rightly. Time will show what will be further|will happen next.
I hope you like my letter and the way I tell you about myself. Looking forward to see your letter.
Take care.
Galina

I work at junior school as a teacher| I am a teacher at junior school.

I work at junior school as a teacher.
I am a teacher at junior school.
All teachers have hair.
Therefore Aristotle is a man.