what is the best ten seconds of television you have ever seen?

Which I at the top of my head because I was thinking about how it's the clear choice of best moment from OFaH, with the chandelier scene a distant second, which I was thinking about because I was remembering that cockfarming best 100 moments on telly program, one of the first of its sort with cockfarming Paul Morley, which I was thinking about because when they contacted Michael Parkinson and said "you've been selected for one of the top ten moments on telly" he said "It's that fucking bird isn't it?" because, yes Michael, people are less interested in seeing you conducting an interesting interview with Anwar Sadat than with seeing Rod Hull apologising for the fact that his left hand is attacking you repeatedly, which I was thinking about because Starry might be coming over to Dublin and bringing Spacestation Pongo, though now I'm thinking if she does, she'll probably keep him at home for the reasons mentioned above DO YOU SEE???

i think Basil Fawly beating up his car is probs my fave, but it might be a bit longer than 10 seconds, in which case i'd go for the scene where he manages to grope the australian bird's tit

My fave 10 seconds of television is so traumatic to certain other ILE posters, I'm not sure I should go into detail. It features the phrase "it's up for grabs now". In second place: all the dead people dancing in heaven in Armando Iannucci's C4 show last year (I keep saying this; eventually it'll be repeated and it won't seem as good).

From The Mary Whitehouse Experience - the tennis bit after David Baddeil (wow, I can't spell that at all) is talking about the mad homeless person

The longest I have laughed was at Jack Dee saying "There was a sign that said 'please do not throw coins into the pond'" and looking pissed of for several seconds (it was in the delivery).

And I'm sure there are about 50 Brass Eye moments

Most likely to make me cry is Buffy's "we aren't supposed to move the body"

'Oh, yes, the BBC. You're very fair. "What do you think of Jeffrey Archer, Mr Crick?" Clip, clip clip. Just you wait until I'm Mayor of London. Then you'll see!'

I think I could stand seeing this moment on my box every day for the rest of my life. Certainly a substantial portion of same.

the bit in Blackadder II where edmund and melchett are in the dungeon and edmund says "baaaaaa!"

monty python where the spaceship turns people into scottish people!

portillo losing his seat!

'star wars in your eyes' on adam & joe...the pet shop droids, darth vadar as grace jones.

the last 10 minutes of the fa cup in 2001.

when alan partridge overhears them taking the piss and comes in swinging his bag.

it would be remiss to mention the actual most memorable 10 seconds of t.v. footage ever, wouldn't it?

How are we feeling about the imminent new series?

oh oh also the dog sliding down the slope on its ARSE on Highway while Harry Secombe's singing a hymn! (this always gets trotted out on auntie'a bloomers but i dont give a hoot)

When the new BBC chairman's appointment was flagged (on Channel 4 news) with the tagline 'fingering the Dyke'.

Steve Martin as a Roman commander in Saturday Night Live sketch, waking up to find his tent had been set upon by Vandals (with toilet paper, graffiti and a burning bag of dog shit).

Or the last scenes of Twin Peaks. Yikes.

Jonathan Ross asking David Bowie if he, JR, should try a spot of 'the manlove'.

Blair - "..."

As OTM as it is possible to be, Andrew.

The best ten seconds of TV I've seen has got to be Morris: David Amess' reaction to the Cake-user's "music" played to him in the Drugs Brass Eye. Nearly laughed myself sick on first viewing.

Your presumption makes you foolish, grasshopper.

host: where's the riskiest place you've made whoopee?

[coy looks all round]

husband: up the bum.

Two fave moments offhand:

MST3K: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: (partially due to rapid fire delivery)

"What small and round...and you toast it on a stick?"

"An elf?"

"And it's green."

"Oh. A DEAD elf!"

AbFab -- Eddi smiles at her birthday cake and then blows it to hell with a fire extinguisher

Unplanned funniest ten seconds etc. -- Bill Clinton announcing the end of his nomination speech for Michael Dukakis in 1988, to the resounding cheers of the convention crowd.

Homer wearing a tie for the dog.

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/showcards/T/triggerhappytv.html

Especially Tom Tortoise reviewing The Richard Blackdog Show.

Quick-fire comedy from the socially unacceptable Dom Joly, with a superbly chosen pop music soundtrack accompanying a feast of visual gags.

Sounds about as fun as a castor oil suppository.

It's even worse than it sounds, Ned.

Tonight on CrossFire!

I tend to side with Martin on this one tho.

"dad, why do you have to hate what you don't understand?"
"i don't hate you, bobby!"
"i was talking about soccer."

"so, son...how many girls called you today? zero!? and how many girls did you ask out today? zero?! well, you know what zero X zero equals? fag! zero X any other number always = FAG. wrap your head around that one you little mathematician."

moments later...

"guess what, son...today, on the way home i bought you a puppy. but then, i got hungry...and i ate it! just kidding, son. i'd never buy you a puppy."

"we call this sketch: hitler [blanks] a donkey."

we already had a thread on family fortunes answers, my fave is there.

fave simpsons: troy mcclure + dr nick advertising "spiffy" cleaner on TV by buffing up edgar allen poe's gravestone.

troy: "quoth the raven, what a shine!"

?:"Oh my god, he's going to jump"
Leela:"don't do it"
Fry:"Don't jump"
Bender:"Do a flip"

Or some paraphrase thereof

I have to agree with Michael there, Alan at his most pathetic.

Alan at a funeral in a Crematorium sporting a black castrol GTX jacket.

"I'VE GOT CHEESE"

"Oooh I'd like to have it off with her....OOOOH SEX!!"

Also, Alan acting like a naughty schoolboy after being caught stealing a traffic cone.

oh fuck yes.

and miles better than Jonesies!

Mr Burns: Take her down Smithers.
Smithers: You're flying the plane sir.
Mr Burns: Exc-ellent.

Sigh.

"For the last time Dougal, these are small, but the ones out there are far away."

George crossing the road with the Frogger machine on Seinfeld.

"Monkey tennis?"

The bit in the Stampy the elephant episode of the Simpsons where Homer drives with Marge and Lisa, in the ornamental animal park;
"D'oh."
"A dear."
"A female dear."

- terry gilliam's 'old lady waiting for bus' animation
- big brother 4's tv ads replacing housemate with cute puppet in actual footage
- wee man's skating around dressed as an oompa loompa or little green dragon
- last ten seconds of Sex Pistols on Grundy show
- alan partridge's biggest fan turning the light on in that room
- chris morris 'if this was really happening, what would you think' bit from Brass Eye
- michael owen's goal against argentina at world cup '98
- numerous david beckham free kicks
- owen's second against germany, munich, sep 2001

Frank Sinatra guesting on the Dean Martin show.

I don't need to point out the worst except to say I was born in South Boston and alive in 1986.

Also:

Homer: "I gotta call the plant and warn them!"
*bleeping noises*
Phone message: "the fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialling wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."

"You probably think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, that's just the kind of guy I am - weird! That's why I fly over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you Mike?"

"I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick."

"Sycophant!"

- Young Ones

Vyv: "Watch my trick, you bastards!" *thwacks off supposedly fake finger with a large knife, blood flies about* "...oh dear. Wrong finger....aaaaaaahhhoowww"
Neil: "Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers...."

The new 118 118 advert with the Rocky theme (haha I nearly typed RockyT!!!) is the most fantastic thing I've EVER SEEN in advert form. Well done 118! Thank you 118! &c. 118!

And yes there are a million little Simpsons bits but I do have an all time favorite. Homer shows off his "inventions" to his family, one of which is the "EVERYTHING'S FINE ALARM!" which blares an ear piercing noise every three seconds unless there's a problem ... Then he aims "the make-up" gun -- which looks like an assault rifle -- at Marge and fires it in her face; Marge looks at the hideous make-up and says "Homer, you had it set on Whore!" And then Lisa says, "Dad, women don't like being shot in the face." That whole scene may be the most hysterical thing I've ever seen on TV.

On a slightly more serious note, I will never forget sitting in front of the TV back ca. very late 1992 - very early 1993, when MTV debuted the video for "Ordinary World". I could not stop bawling because the fact they were actually debuting this video and that I could actually watch my favorite musical artist in regular MTV rotation was intensely moving. Later on in 1993, I made the debut of "Come Undone" an event by sitting in front of the TV with a dish of cookies & cream ice cream. I will never forget that as well.

(Sorry -- just couldn't narrow it down to SIMPLY ten seconds.)

http://www.robotcombat.com/video_oldglory_hi.html

Middle aged conservative woman deriding strippers: "They're trashy, they're cheap, they're disgusting ..."
Sitting next to her on the stage, a stripper wearing a low cut beauty pageant dress, crown and sash, shouts simultaneously: "It's modern! It's now!"

"Yes," says Lisa, " we have to drive a stake right through his heart."

Grandpa: "You mean he's a vampire? Aaaaaagh!" (runs back out).

Oh, and Victor Meldrew getting a gravestone as a birthday present.

Millar is OTM.

1. The MST3K short The Days of Our Years, most especially the scene with "OBEY THE TOASTER!"

2. The bit in the MST3K episode The Incredible Melting man where the fat Linda Rondstadt lookalike runs for her life from the titular character.

3. The talking heads on VH1's TV's Illest Minority Moments Presented by Ego Trip discuss Big Bird's ethnicity.

I'd also like to add that there was an episode of Silver Spoons involving a double-date at an opera or a ballet that had me in spasms when I saw it as a kid (and I didn't like SS AT ALL as a kid); unfortunately, I can't remember enough about it.

Drama doesn't really lend itself to the ten second rule, but today I was reminded that the scene in the very first Law & Order, where Benjamin Stone rips apart the pompous doctor with one humiliating request. Also, the final scene in the Good Times episode with the father's funeral.

A few episodes on, the end of that episode where Linda is unable to tell Spike she loves him, after his emotional, uncharacterisic words... just the lines and the acting; breathtakingly moving, for me at least. Heck, add in about ten more moments from this show's second run...

"The Singing Detective" - Marlow remembers/imagines his father in the local public house, 'doing the birds' (i.e. Ronnie Ronalde-style whistling)... and his younger self's replacement by his older. You have to see this to fully understand what I quite mean.

"Brass Eye" - "Like so many of his kind, North was required to leave school, after passing exams"... i.e. start of the 'Jez North' report. Don't know quite why this gets me, but it is I guess just the portentous voiceover, so very close to many sensationalist news reporters. So much of the Special was courageous television... the "Crime" one is perhaps my personal favourite BE, and I could pick many moments in that (the 'git surfing' bit, with that lunatic story and all the absurd mock-reconstruction business :))

There are many more, but these are the freshest in my mind right now.

The paedo epsiode was made all the funnier by being used in a lecture on broadcasting standards while I was doing my journalism course. A good part of the class didn't have a clue what it was (where had they been? I was in Poland at the time and heard about it! Thanks to the Guardian weekly admittedly) which only made it funnier. We'd already been shown some classic out of context landmark moments of offensiveness in TV history, including a bit from the Morely biopic (as in the British fascist, not the music writer) where his jailor calls him a cunt. So seeing paedos disguised as houses left us weak with laughter. Perhaps its the incogruity of seeing such things in an academic context, like when our alcoholic English lecturer started reading Rochester "He chases the finest cunt in the land" etc etc.
Sorry, I'm rambling somewhat. It's late. Bye now.

The word-association test between Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor on SNL.

The streaker behind David Niven at the Academy Awards. (It was a lot more awesome to an eight-year-old.)

There's an old animated short, don't remember whether it was Disney or Merrie Melodies or what, with a lion roaring repeatedly in the jungle. Each roar had a hilarious effect, once he turned himself inside out, sometimes the effect was the terrorized reaction from other jungle animals hearing it. It loses a lot in the translation.

Wes Archer's "Jac Mac and Rad Boy GO!" which I saw on USA Network's old "Night Flight" show.

These are all longer than ten seconds, but whatever.

Actually, the most amazing game show moment I can recall was from an epside of "Love Connection", which featured this sweet-looking widower who was looking for the "right woman" to settle down with. The whole routine goes by as usual for a good date, with each person telling Chuck Woolery how much of a good time they had on the date, and then the audience voting was revealed and I *think* it was one of those times when the audience actually got it right, and then they brought out the woman and she and the widower met up. Well, maybe a minute after that, the man went down on one knee, presented a little tell-tale box, and proposed to the woman. She was shocked for a moment, but then accepted.

Most memorable ten seconds in sports for me -- the 1999 Memorial Day Miracle shot done by Sean Elliott during the (I think) 6th game of the NBA Finals. The first moment I think the whole city realized that we could very well end up winning our first NBA Championship. (Which we've done again -- suck on that, Dickweed Jackson.)

And Reagan getting shot.

Kelly Holmes' face as she won her second gold medal this summer.

Daley Thomson whistling on the Olympic podium during the national anthem.

Ole Gunne Solskjaer's goal in the 1999 Champions League and the general wtf-ness that followed (the 90s version of that 1989 title decider).

Archie Gemmill's goal against Holland.

The bit in the first episode of Spaced where Tim and Daisy morph briefly into Shaggy and Velma (just so that it's not all sport).

That said, I'm going to go with the painful time-filling "chat" between Destroyer-era Kiss and gloriously queeny comedian Paul Lynde on the latter's inexplicably brilliant "Halloween Special" from 1977. Lynde: "So, fellas, how long does it take for you to put on your make-up?" Gene, gruffly-yet-ludicrously: "WE DON'T WEAR MAKE-UP!"

Which is not to say I don't totally agree.

Martin Sheen's first appearance in The West Wing.

Several contenders from 'Peep Show' too.

Not quite in the same league, but Danny's rant at the kidnapper just before he was shot in the last episode of the last series of Spooks was pretty good.

norm instantly says "What if it was Chairman of the B-O-R-E-D?" audience goes nuts, conan gives up and it takes several minutes before the show actually ends.

The funniest 10 seconds I can remember was from Alan Patridge. "DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!" Then everyone started repeating it ad nauseum IRL and it got less funny, but when I watched it 1st time it was spot on.

henc: kelly osbourne being made a dame of the brit emp = coolest weird moment of the last few days

Two moments from The West Wing:

KIEFER: Toby, you're smiling.
TOBY: I just figured out who you were.
KIEFER: He's gonna say Satan.
TOBY: No. You're the guy who runs into the 7-11 to buy Satan a pack of cigarettes.

MARY
That New York sense of humor was just a...

CALDWELL
Mary, there no need...

MARY
Reverend, please! They think they’re so much smarter. They think it’s smart talk.
But nobody else does.

JOSH
I’m actually from Connecticut, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Mary...

TOBY
She meant Jewish.

MST3K, one of the Hercules movies. Gypsy, trying to imitate the woman from the film, singing horribly and repeatedly bashing her head against a giant lyre.

Also, two certain moments involving Adam Vinatieri.

I forgot, also contributing to the bizarre humor of this scene: Crow reclining on a couch in a toga - "Tom, consider the grape: so round, so firm..."

Stewart (over images of Palestine): "Mourners took to the streets today, grieving Arafat's death with their traditional Kalishnakovs. And they memorialized the PLO leader by enacting his reknown hatred of car tires."

the ipod-enabled pelican crossing sequence in this was filmed at the end of my road. the blockbuster that's visible in later shots is the one further down uxbridge road towards 'Da Bush'.

the 'motorcade running over a tramp' footage was great, as was the streets parody.

When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no
English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide
chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or
possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why,
whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded
of that wonderful word: flag!

The Cigarette Smoking Man meets a cruise missile face to face in the last ever X-Files

Rick (to Neil): "PIG!"
Neil: "Oh so I'm a pig now am I? Well I don't mind being called a pig because for your information pigs are really intelligent actually"
Rick: "Oh really, really! Well, tell me this then Neil who invented the internal combustion engine? Was it Porky the Pig, no I don't think it was was it? Was Pythagoras a pig? No he wasn't was he. So tell me Neil, what's the major 'piggy' contribution to society, hmm?"
Neil: "erm..."
Rick: "It's bacon isn't it, bacon and rolling around in the mud"

Snoop Dogg being harassed by Rod Hull and his Emu on The Word

RICK: [reads] Oh, Cliff! Sometimes it must be difficult Not to feel as if You really are a cliff When fascits keep trying to push you over it! Are they the lemmings, or are you Cliff? Or ARE you, Cliff?

NEIL: Wow, that was really pretty bad, Rick!

RICK: Bad for society when the kids start to get into it!

NEIL: I'm going to kill myself now! [walks over to the oven, turns on the gas, and sticks his head inside]

RICK: Pretty angry stuff, right! Let them try and ignroe that, right! Those clever-trousers in the army! And the police and the government, if they can. [pulls out his biro and starts writing]

NEIL: I see things much more clearly now! [pulls his head out and waves to Rick] Bye, Rick.

RICK: [writing] Yes, goodbye.

NEIL: I'll probably come back as a lentil!

RICK: I'll might even get put in prison! And have water DRIPPED on my head! I might even get a personal message from Cliff!

NEIL: [head in oven] Oh wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anyone ever suss out cleaning this oven except me? [pulls out his head and takes out a huge glob of black filth from the oven] Oh, wow, this is so dirty, man! Uncool! I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right, even the ones at the bottom of swamps, and you would find one as dirty as this one. [proceeds to scoop out the filth in the oven in an effort to clean it. Rick walks over and stares at Neil]

RICK: Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? Why don't you listen to me? Do you find me boring or something? [grabs a saucer from the table] Look! Look, that's a saucer! That's boring! [Neil tries to grab the saucer. Rick slaps his hand away] Look! [puts the saucer to his face and points to his face, then the saucer] Pretty different really, isn't it? It's not nearly the same thing at all. Is it, Neil?

[Rick notices that Neil is not paying attention to him]

RICK: NEIL! [smashes the saucer] I WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATED WITH SAUCERS! [runs to the refrigerator and starts smashing the saucers on it]

[Neil comes outside carrying his huge pot. Rick is attached to a crucifix high up on the front of the house.]

NEIL: Listen everybody. I've, uh, stewed up some lentils and some seaweed as a sort of a last positive action. [notices Rick and the crucifix] Hey, Rick, man. What are you doing with my crucifix, man?

RICK: I'm protesting!

NEIL: Yeah, but I really think I should lay this one on you, man. That's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know? Like, I've tried it hundred of times! There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

The moment in Bablyon 5 when you finally find out that Valen is/was actually Captain Sinclair.

(Oh, I am a geek.)

Oh I know! The Countdown episode where Iggy Pop was on acid or cocaine or whatever he was off his trolley on, fidgeting and giggling and jumping up poking Molly Meldrum in the face! That, and the one where the Ramones hosted and all looked bored as fuck.

Tim and Mike are talking to their rivals about the possibilty of a match at Robot Club, Tim expresses concerns about damage to the robots preventing them entering the Robot Wars TV series.
Rival comes back with: "Ah yeah, Ah hadn't thought o' da!".
G-Kit wets himself laughing.

They go to the Log Lady and ask her "Why is this town called Twin Beaks?"
Log Lady says "Why don't we ask my log?"
And the Log opens its eyes and says "How should I know? I'm just a log!"

Was Johnny Thunders in Dictionary Corner?

This was my second choice incidentally.

Trayce, I'm, pretty sure that australian Countdown differs enormously from the English one..

wait, wait - what was this? when? how did I miss it? gah!

i think the 200 people that watch eastenders repeats on bbc3 would argue with you on this 8) later showings were an whole hour but still had a 'part 2' logo come up in the middle.

yesterday Simpsons Treehouse Of Horror 3 was on ch4 again with my favourite 'i swear on this bible' / 'that's not a bible, that's a book of carpet samples' / 'oooh, fuzzzy...' bit at the beginning but i fear i may have already said that somewhere in the 154 hidden messages above.

OK, best ten seconds, Simpsons division, I could go on like this for eons so I'll just do the first two that come to mind.

Hot Female Bartender: You Said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!

Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things!! OH YEAH!!!

(Hank Scorpio blows up the 59th St. Bridge)
UN Delegate #1: Good lord! The 59th Street Bridge!!
UN Delegate #2: It could have just fallen over.
UN Delegate #1: We can't take that chance.
UN Delegate #2: You *always* say that! I want to take a chance!

Live TV division:

Ashlee Simpson - Orange Bowl, Halftime

Also, these two are good.

from nu-Who:
"Rose..."
"Yes Doctor?!"
"I'm coming to get you!"
*phwip*

from Cracker:
"this is a dying man's statement..."

I will never get bored of this.

Best bits:

*Camera follows dirtbike instead of injured woman.
*Antheas prescient line "and if you want something to happen to you on a" KABOOM
*Concerned but not really man saying "you alright, luv?"
*Anthea Turners Hair and Face are on FIRE.

All within the same 7 seconds. Genius/

Also, lately anytime I see Alec Baldwin. He actually had a couple of lines on SNL that made me laugh so hard that I almost fell off my treadmill. And on 30 Rock, "I'm expecting a call from 1983."

i was just thinking about this advert yesterday. and you may well be correct.

-- Sara R-C (sr...), January 25th, 2007. (Sara R-C)

HOT

- Guest host Miskel Spillman!
- Meat Wagon Action Speedway
- American Date The Self-Conscious Association
- Sartresky & Hutch
- E. Buzz Miller's Art Classics
- Elvis Costello switch to "Radio, Radio" (kinda hackneyed in retrospect, but when I saw this live it was the most amazing thing ever)

and

BURNS (in Howard Hughes mode, holding model plane and pistol): Get in, Smithers, there's no time to waste.
SMITHERS: Uh, sir, that's a model.
BURNS (cocks hammer): Get. In.

and the Family Guy episode where Peter turns the house into a puppet.

Ooh, good one. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who loves ER anymore.

The bit at the very end of the Colbys where the spaceship comes down.

Wolf (singing): I'm going to see the Grandma! I'm going to see the Grandma - wait.

(reading from Ridinghoods Anonymous book): "Though Riding Hoods you may not munch/There's nothing wrong with a Grandma lunch." Heh heh heh.

I'm going to eat the Grandma! I'm going to eat the Grandma!

(beat)

"You're looking at them, asshole."

--

"This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. Withdraw, .. or be destroyed."
"Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship."
"Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else."

Only seen/heard on the highlights COS I WAS THERE.

Which series was the first Tony and Control sketch in?

"WHO WANTS CHOWDER?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqwWqQmofFY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFSHEaxOyUU

I laughed for 20 minutes at that 2 seconds of television.