"TO is the devil!": this is the jackassed-nonsense-that-JOE-THEISMANN-says-during-MONDAYNITEFOOTBALL thread!

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holy shite, bill parcells buried his brother today. poor guy.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 02:24 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, that's awful. I guess Parcells is in a place where he couldn't take the night off, but I think I'd have no choice. I'd be a wreck.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 03:03 (twenty years ago)

You'd think that they'd stop talking about T.O. for five seconds, but you'd be wrong.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:48 (twenty years ago)

use the "one" construction, dude.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:50 (twenty years ago)

or maybe first-person singular.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 04:51 (twenty years ago)

stence has no love for bright lights, big city :(

― j blount (papa la bas), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 05:37 (twenty years ago)

the Jimmy Reed song? It rules! for shame, Stence.

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Tuesday, 15 November 2005 06:13 (twenty years ago)

Manning looks like he's in a RAP VIDEO!

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

I just logged on to get to this thread to post that!

And the "more jump-cuts than a Scorsese flick..." THERE'S A REASON WHY DENNIS MILLER DIDN'T WORK OUT, AL. CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE BANISHED TO BASIC CABLE NEXT YEAR, BYE!

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 05:14 (nineteen years ago)

The rap video thing was...brilliant, for lack of the correct word to describe it.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 18:31 (nineteen years ago)

I still don't get how Peyton looked like he was in a rap video. Were his shoes lacking laces?

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:07 (nineteen years ago)

It was his Kangol hat.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:10 (nineteen years ago)

And his Brick City swagger.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 20:10 (nineteen years ago)

"Today, we have secretly replaced the viewers' regular Peyton Manning with Lil' Jon. Let's see what happens."

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 21:26 (nineteen years ago)

OMAHA OMAHA WHAT!!! WHAT!!! WHAT!!!! HUT HUT OKAAAAYYYYY

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 29 November 2005 21:57 (nineteen years ago)

OK FUCK AL MICHAELS, IT'S ALL ABOUT MADDEN GOING OFF ON SPILLING MUSTARD ON HIS TIE.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:07 (nineteen years ago)

That's the most absurd thing I've seen on MNF all year long.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:07 (nineteen years ago)

falcons is

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 05:31 (nineteen years ago)

I forgot how much I missed the black unis. they really need to get rid of them white galactic superfag shits :'(

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 06:49 (nineteen years ago)

'one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi....'

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 07:10 (nineteen years ago)

I MISSED LAST NITE'S GAME PEOPLE, PLEASE EXPLAIN THE MUSTARD.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 16:23 (nineteen years ago)

madden said "y'know what colors make green?" and al was like "i dunno. wait, like yellow and blue?" and madden was all like "naw, it's yellow and red!" and michaels was like "no shit?" and madden was like "yeah, i spilled yellow mustard on this here red tie, and it came out green!" and michaels was like "whoa."

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

that's a paraphrase, obv.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

hahahahaha brilliant.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 21:26 (nineteen years ago)

It's going to be a great Super Bowl.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Tuesday, 13 December 2005 21:56 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

"The moves leave Al Michaels free to switch to NBC..."

Dammit. I thought that I was rid of that guy for once and for all.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 20:40 (nineteen years ago)

i don't think theismann + kornheiser is going to make you any happier

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:29 (nineteen years ago)

I know, but I wasn't really going to be able to watch the new MNF anyway without cable. However, I was under the impression that my Sunday nights were going to be Michaels-free, but that might not neccessarily be the case anymore.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:46 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser's been coveting that job for years, but I think he'll be sub-Dennis-Miller. I guess I'll check out his radio show tomorrow morning to see if he has anything interesting to say about the situation.

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 8 February 2006 21:51 (nineteen years ago)

!! i like kornheiser, but i dunno if i can stomach him doing gamez. theismann is such a snooze.

― Milhouse is not a meme. But 'Milhouse is not a meme' IS a meme. (Adrian Langston, Wednesday, 8 February 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

supposedly kornheiser blew them away when they were looking for people (and eventually found miller) a few years back but they thought he didn't have a big enough profile. my understanding is he totally phones in his radio show but dude can think on his feet (miller's main problem) so it could work. odd michaels backed out of mnf, he'd said pretty definitively he was staying with it a lil while back.

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 9 February 2006 00:10 (nineteen years ago)

I'll be interested to see how Kornheiser makes out, he and Wilbon can be pretty entertaining on PTI (also why don't more WaPo section staff get their own TV shows?) but I would rather have Wilbon solo than Kornheiser TBH.

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:29 (nineteen years ago)

I'm willing to bet that he'll be flying to games by midseason. He's having to drop the radio show, and after a couple of months in the bus, he'll just say "fuck this, give me four vodkas and point me at the plane."

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 14:52 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser is scared to fly too??

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:44 (nineteen years ago)

but I would rather have Wilbon solo than Kornheiser TBH.

otm

― Milhouse is not a meme. But 'Milhouse is not a meme' IS a meme. (Adrian Langston, Thursday, 9 February 2006 20:50 (nineteen years ago)

Yep. (xpost)

― pixel farmer (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:26 (nineteen years ago)

And it's official. Michaels traded to NBC for a cartoon rabbit. At least with Rush, you would've known that the unfunny liberal comment was on its way.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:29 (nineteen years ago)

so much cartoon controversy these days.

― hstencil (hstencil), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:33 (nineteen years ago)

seven months pass...

JOHN MADDEN IS A 'NEW YORK PIZZA KIND OF GUY' WTF?!?!????!?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:19 (nineteen years ago)

I figured he stuffed his face with every bit of bread he sees. But he's not a fan of the deep dish?!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:22 (nineteen years ago)

When Michaels was making sure that everybody knew Branch was an ex-Patriot and not an expatriate, who the fuck was he talking to?

― The Bearnaise-Stain Bears (Rock Hardy), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:26 (nineteen years ago)

freepers.

dude just said this was grossman's "debutante ball." more sports dude outing on national tv a la ozzie guillen?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:30 (nineteen years ago)

OF COURSE MIchaels prefers that Chicago bullshit. What a douche. oh well, at least we haven't had to listen to the creep talk about Maria Bartiromo in like 4 years...

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 01:48 (nineteen years ago)

CHRIS COLLINSWORTH -- "LIVE" FROM THE NBC STUDIO:

THIS IS A SEGMENT THAT BRINGS A LOT TO THE TABLE MY FRIENDS

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:00 (nineteen years ago)

wtf dude do you not like chicago pizza? why do you live there again?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:19 (nineteen years ago)

also what was dude with "madden 4 prime minister" sign thinking?

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:19 (nineteen years ago)

Well, he obviously is dissatisfied with our current system of government.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:26 (nineteen years ago)

dude Chicago pizza sucks!

um, I live here for the great steaks and great barbeque ... but certainly not for that doughy monstrosity that is tried to pass of as pizza!! that stuff is a disgusting doughy nightmare. get that shit the fuck away from me.

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:48 (nineteen years ago)

wtf you're insane stormy! gino's, giordano's, art of pizza, rule FOREVER.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:51 (nineteen years ago)

I personally like the combination of bread, cheese, tomatoes, and spices no matter how deep or thin it might be.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:01 (nineteen years ago)

Me too. Sometimes I feel like having it thin, sometimes thick. I'm glad I have these choices in life!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:04 (nineteen years ago)

madden was this close to reciting some of his love poems abt brett favre. roses are red, violets are blue, i really like football... but i... love you ;_;

― Scott Fajita :( (Adrian Langston), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:15 (nineteen years ago)

i'm just amazed that madden wouldn't go for something that takes longer to eat, is all.

― hstencil (hstencil), Monday, 2 October 2006 04:18 (nineteen years ago)

http://johnmaddenholes.ytmnd.com/

― Jimmy Mod is like a child who walks into the middle of a movie (The Famous Jimmy, Monday, 2 October 2006 14:27 (nineteen years ago)

I also kind of dislike deep dish pizzas, and vastly prefer NY pizza, but I understand why one would be shocked to find out Madden has a preference, much less one strong enough to come out against the deep dish.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Monday, 2 October 2006 14:32 (nineteen years ago)

Let me join the chorus of STORMY WHTAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ABOUT DEEP DISH MAN.

― c('°c) (Leee), Monday, 2 October 2006 15:32 (nineteen years ago)

i'd like to go back to the prime minister thing. personally, i tend to think that prime minister is a much cooler title than president...though neither as cool as kaiser permanente.

― jonathan quayle higgins (j.q. higgins), Monday, 2 October 2006 15:47 (nineteen years ago)

A friend of mine once said that Kaiser Permanente sounds like a dictator of a South American country, and I like to stick with that idea rather than acknowledge they do "health care"

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Monday, 2 October 2006 15:49 (nineteen years ago)

yeah, amongst my friends we bestow the kaiser permanente award for insane dictator antics. hugo chavez is reigning champ.

― jonathan quayle higgins (j.q. higgins), Monday, 2 October 2006 15:54 (nineteen years ago)

Theismann: Brett Favre is the most amazing man who ever lived. Do you know, one year, he played the entire year without a thumb? The one he has now is a bionic thumb.
Favre: http://www.writebetweenthelines.com/ws_home/theory/iron_giant_original.jpg
Theismann: Additionally, he has thrown for 756,452,989 yards in his career, second to only Dan Marino's 17 trillion yards.
Favre: http://movies.warnerbros.com/irongiant/img/i-giant.gif
Theismann: His addiction to painkillers is what really did it. He is a symbol of humanity at its finest.
Favre: http://pages.csam.montclair.edu/~roth/Images/iron_giant.gif
Theismann: Additionally, he has played in 27,590,149 games in a row. This is FOOTBALL and he is a QUARTERBACK--do you guys know, this is the most amazing achievement since the Roman empire?
Favre: http://www.animationmagazine.net/images/articles/040701_iron_giant_150.gif
Kornheiser: Joe, there's something wrong with Favre...he's just lying there, on the sidelines, there's a lot of trainers surrounding him. I think he might be injured.
Theismann: BTW Tony you are very pretty.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 03:08 (nineteen years ago)

excelsior baited and earned

― robinnnnnn edgerton (edgertor), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 04:02 (nineteen years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v212/etienne_saint/favre.jpg

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 04:25 (nineteen years ago)

joe theeseman just predicted the bears go 19-0 this year.

― j blount (papa la bas), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 02:21 (nineteen years ago)

hahhahahah

so what did everyone think of Indiana Berman? lol

― Stormy Davis (diamond), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 02:26 (nineteen years ago)

Nothing Berman said tonight made any sense. It's like he was mixing up words or something. He seemed drunk. Also: Michael Irvin, you have no reason to be going to high school games and scouting people, wtf.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 10 October 2006 02:40 (nineteen years ago)

KORNHEISER: "So being in that coma on 'Desperate Housewives' must be something else, right? That Teri Hatcher sure is a looker. Listen, what's going to happen to your character during sweeps? Maybe you can screw with some of those other women, am I right?"

GUY FROM "DESEPERATE HOUSEWIVES": "Why am I here?"

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 03:55 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah wtf was that all about? Most awkard thing in years?

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 13:51 (nineteen years ago)

"he got three feet inbounds before he went out... there's one... two... three feet down"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 19:22 (nineteen years ago)

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 20:21 (nineteen years ago)

Someone break Theismann's leg again! Pretty please!!

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Wednesday, 11 October 2006 21:36 (nineteen years ago)

Michael Irvin, you have no reason to be going to high school games and scouting people, wtf.

Where else is he gonna get his weed, Ally?

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:54 (nineteen years ago)

is 'weed' what they're calling trim now?

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:03 (nineteen years ago)

"If there's weed on the field, start whackin'!"

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:15 (nineteen years ago)

http://web2.airmail.net/willdogs/pics/joeyb.jpg

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:18 (nineteen years ago)

wokka wokka?

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:25 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.zerologik.com/post_files/2005/09/05_CarrotTop3.jpg

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:47 (nineteen years ago)

aaagrrrgghghr David no

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

Don't worry - I'll ban myself.

― David R. (popshots75`), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:56 (nineteen years ago)

Carrot Top and Todd Heap should have a baby and name it Compost.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Thursday, 12 October 2006 17:20 (nineteen years ago)

How many more times are we gonna have to hear this play out:

THEISMANG: I don't like them doing this [THING A] they're doing.
...
two maybe three downs later:
THEISMANG: I really like that they're doing [THING A] right now. That's what they need to be doing, [blah blah blah]
KORNHEIZA: Wait a minute, Joe, a minute ago you were just saying you DON'T like [THING A], now you're saying you like them doing [THING A], which is it? What do they need to be doing?
THEISMANG: They just, they just need to keep doing what they're doing and win this football game.

TONY FFS DNFTT. GOD.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:10 (nineteen years ago)

NY/Dallas: 6 times, plus bonus coverage of "Eli Manning needs to man up/Eli Manning is the best quarterback in the national football league" flip flopping
New England/Minnesota: Maybe 2x, he'll be too busy masturbating to photos of Tom Brady in a cowboy hat
Oakland/Seattle: I would say like at least 4x, but then I'm like WHY IS THIS EVEN GOING TO BE ON MY TELEVISION
Tampa Bay/Carolina: see above except reason it is going to be on my television is obvious
NY/Jacksonville: Wow, Giants getting a lotta Monday coverage this year. A good 6 times, every single time will be in reference to the Giants and again with the Good Eli/Evil Eli rambling.
Green Bay/Seattle: OK fuck you
Carolina/Philadelphia: You will not hear the back and forth once during this game, because that is not how you treat Donovan McNabb.
Chicago/St. Louis: 17,003x, more if Grossman has another game like he did last night
Cincy/Indy: Depends entirely on if Indy is still unbeaten at that point. He'll say it at least 3x about Cincy though.

CHRISMAS DAY THERE ARE TWO MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAMES, BUH???

Philly/Dallas: Dallas will get completely sonned and there will be no "Thing A" they are doing that Theismann will like. He might point out a few times that Bledsoe, if still playing, gets a bad rep for "no good reason"
Miami/NY Jets: GET OFF MY TELEVISION. GET THE FUCK OFF MY TELEVISION. THIS IS THE LAST MONDAY NIGHT GAME OF THE YEAR??? THIS?? Anyway it'll be said 7x about the Jets and specifically Pennington. I don't think anyone will even realize Miami is on the field.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:20 (nineteen years ago)

actually it won't be said at all about Miami/NY because I'm assuming that Theismann and Kornheiser are going to go ruin the Philly/Dallas game. Who the hell is even going to color the Miami/Jets game??

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:26 (nineteen years ago)

Probably the Jaws / Vermeil team from the Week 1 B-game. Here's hoping!

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:34 (nineteen years ago)

The important question is will the Dallas crowd man up and boo Santa Claus.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:37 (nineteen years ago)

santa claus is awesome. i had a dream about santa friday night.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:45 (nineteen years ago)

I had a dream this weekend that Peyton Manning stole my bomber hat and wouldn't give it back.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:46 (nineteen years ago)

Of all the qbs, and of all the things they could be doing, I'm dreaming of Peyton wearing a furry hat and being a dick about it. Need to stop watching tv altogether.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:47 (nineteen years ago)

was it regular peyton or pitch-man peyton with the fake 'stache and black hair?

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:49 (nineteen years ago)

pls to update thread for those of us without cable. ;_;

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:53 (nineteen years ago)

regular :(

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 13:55 (nineteen years ago)

h, tuman's is a sportsbar when the bears play. weirdness. i couldn't hear the jackass so i can't comment. and i still need cable.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:00 (nineteen years ago)

I don't understand the update request.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:07 (nineteen years ago)

I think he wants ILNFL to tell him what stupid KornMann shit is said because he doesn't have ESPN.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:10 (nineteen years ago)

(TheiHeiser?)

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:15 (nineteen years ago)

But...we ARE telling what they are saying. I mean that conversation Tom posted is word for word the only conversation they have.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:20 (nineteen years ago)

Well, yeah, he probably should've posted that request BEFORE the 15 posts from today.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:22 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser's Dick Butkus speech was the lowlight of my entire life though, I think. Stop pretending to be Bob Costas and shut up.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:22 (nineteen years ago)

tuman's is still a bar? i thought it closed.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:43 (nineteen years ago)

reopened under new management. totally non-descript place now, it's all been restored to how it was when it first opened, there's a picture from the early 20thC hanging and basically the only thing different is they added an extra set of doors to get to the sidewalk patio. but it's only 3 blocks from my place and the afterwork regulars are an eclectic blue collar mix unlike, say, gold star which is my other regular. depends where i get off the train basically.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 14:56 (nineteen years ago)

I forgot to add, at the end of the above transaction between Ko and Th, there should be:

LIL' TIRICO: This is the first time in the history of the franchise that this team has made only one field goal in the third quarter after having scored two touchdowns on special teams plays in the first half.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

man that fuckin dude.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:08 (nineteen years ago)

I mean every announcer ever does that shit but Tirico was really pulling some amazing irrelevant nonsense out of his ass last night.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:16 (nineteen years ago)

last night was especially rich in the "OMG MATT LEINART WHAT A STUD" line, all these "he resembles Vince from Entourage" and "tonight we are seeing him become a man" and such. they were probably right that the AZ should have just kept passing instead of running twice on that last drive for football reasons, but the subtext was all "we wanna narrate his football bar mitzvah" UGH.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:16 (nineteen years ago)

They need to put some of that data mining to work on shit that isn't grown men throwing a ball around to win points and terrorism + cancer would be SOLVED.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:18 (nineteen years ago)

LIL' TIRICO: This is the first time we've ever seen this protein active in the affected hepatocytes.

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

gold star used to be a blue collar bar. ;_;

then again it's also a packers bar so fuck that.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:30 (nineteen years ago)

gold star is over run by messenger wannabes. it's hilarious and tragic at once.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:32 (nineteen years ago)

times they are a-changin'.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:35 (nineteen years ago)

seriously, daley's closing the bars on damen ave, wicker park has no artists left and best 4 o'clock bar is at chicago and california. weird sea change the last 3 years.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 15:42 (nineteen years ago)

"Green Bay/Seattle: OK fuck you"

i lol'd

Kornheiser's kikeness is bugging me even more than theismann at this point :(

― fergie-ferg meluvulongtime~~~ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 17:36 (nineteen years ago)

I had a dream abt lavar arrington this weekend :(

― fergie-ferg meluvulongtime~~~ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 17:36 (nineteen years ago)

Did you see the pregame interview with Lavar Arrington on NFLN this weekend? It is literally 12:15 and dude is sitting there, totally dressed and padded, in some mystery area that neither me nor Tom could figure out (it appeared to be full of pictures of Giants greats, and trophies, which would be weird to have in Atlanta), EATING A HUGE PILE OF POPEYES AND BEANS AND FRIES AND DRINKING DIET PEPSI. Like not really even stopping his chow down long enough to hold his own mic, or like talk to the dude interviewing him. Soooooooooooo weird.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 17:49 (nineteen years ago)

HAHAHAHA YES! I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT ROOM WAS TOO, I THOUGHT IT WAS WELLINGTON MARA'S TOMB OR SOMETHING. anyway that basically was an encapsulation of why I love him.

― fergie-ferg meluvulongtime~~~ (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

"So, Lavar, when you were a Redskin..." "*throws down chicken* What? Who? Who? I don't know what you're talking about. *chomp chomp*"

I enjoyed Lavar trying to keep a straight face when dude asked him to compare the talent levels and potential of Pat Ramsey and Eli Manning.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 18:30 (nineteen years ago)

couldn't really bear to have the sound on much last night, but the early game highlight was when theismann mentioned several times how rexless needed to "put more trajectory on the ball"

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 18:33 (nineteen years ago)

Surely Jerry Glanville in the booth was worse than Theismann, surely?

― c('°c) (Leee), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

glanville was always doing lines off his palm and fishing for blowjobs from PA chicks during commercial breaks, prob

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

Theismann and Kornblower both can go. Theismann has been terrible forever.

I don't mind TK on Pardon the Interruption, but cannot stand him on the radio. The thing that I kind of like is that for a sportswriter, Kornheiser doesn't seem to really like sports that much. TK gets his facts wrong ALL THE TIME, I don't think the guy knows much sports outside the Washington Redskins, Duke Basketball and whoever played for the Knicks in the 70s.

― Earl Nash (earlnash), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 22:56 (nineteen years ago)

god damn it langston stop with the anti-semitic fucking comments or I will reach through the internet and snatch yr balls off

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 23:02 (nineteen years ago)

Theismann went from being 3rd banana with Mike and Paul to being 1st banana now. He clearly can't handle the responsibility. And Earl Nash is right, Kornheiser doesn't even follow sports. Except we all know he plays fantasy, because he talks about it EVERY TEN MINUTES.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 17 October 2006 23:27 (nineteen years ago)

Makes him connect with the common man.
I think we all agree that this is a terrible lineup; who would you prefer to see (Eli) manning the booth?

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 01:10 (nineteen years ago)

I'd really like to see them bring Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire back and steal Troy Aikman away from Fox.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 01:40 (nineteen years ago)

Fantasy lineup: Dick Stockton (faceless, just the facts ma'am) + Vermeil + Jaws.

xpost, Mike Patrick was good pre-heart surgery, but seemed to be lethargic and slurry after he came back.

― The Bearnaise-Stain Bears (Rock Hardy), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 01:42 (nineteen years ago)

Jaws drives me up the wall at some point every week of the season.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 01:44 (nineteen years ago)

in response to the manning dream discussion upthread with regards to pitchman manning...

http://static.flickr.com/114/264355676_d0c9ac5208.jpg

― t0dd swiss (immobilisme), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 03:01 (nineteen years ago)

I like Kornheiser, and think he's getting better. But the fantasy football jokes have got to go.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 04:22 (nineteen years ago)

that costume is awesome.

Kornheiser needs to stop pretending he's Bob Costas, pick up a coupla random magazines and websites and actually learn something about the league he is going on and on about, and cancel his fantasy account, then he'd be just peachy. Theoretically. Theismann though needs to die.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 13:00 (nineteen years ago)

oh god, not paul "let me tell you something" maguire

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 15:41 (nineteen years ago)

I love it when Paul Maguire tells me something!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 16:13 (nineteen years ago)

It's too bad that Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann never did any play by play. It would either be the best thing ever or Olbermann's smarm would fry your TV set.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 22:08 (nineteen years ago)

dan patrick is so boring to listen to!

― gear (gear), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 22:20 (nineteen years ago)

the dream team: Wilbon and Olbermann (better half of both their duos) and I don't care who's on the play by play.

― milo z (mlp), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 22:43 (nineteen years ago)

Patrick does need a good foil, otherwise he tends to mail it in. I do think he would be good as a play by play man.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Wednesday, 18 October 2006 22:50 (nineteen years ago)

Hoge is known for his partiality towards the Steelers team, which is seen in the ESPN show NFL Matchup. Hoge, who has admitted his bias towards the Steelers, will often pick the Steelers or comment positively about the Steelers on the show, often with humorous reactions from the other analysts.

― gear (gear), Monday, 23 October 2006 23:41 (nineteen years ago)

'I think I can be a disseminator of information...'

-- Tikki Barber

― If you fuck with Jimmy Mod, you call down the thunder (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 02:51 (nineteen years ago)

"Tall people have a tendency to let their feet get out from under their center"

... and short people have a tendency to get their legs broken in half under their center?

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 03:13 (nineteen years ago)

Tiki's such a dbag. favorite barberbro moment ever was when ronde made fun of him for being a republican on total access.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 03:20 (nineteen years ago)

Hank can I wear your hat mehhhhhh?
Hey Tony how do I look in this hat errrrnnnnnhhh?

DITCH THE HAT, JOE

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 11:40 (nineteen years ago)

ts: better screen shot, Joe Theismann in that ridiculous hat grinning like a cat eatin' some bleach it ain't supposed to even know how to get to, or TO making his shark face after fucking up that 4th down?

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 12:51 (nineteen years ago)

I will say they were remarkably restrained last night, I can remember few really atrocious things that were said. Plus that weird bit did happen where Kornheiser basically stated that God approves sacking Theismann.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 12:52 (nineteen years ago)

"If the Mannings were in a 400-yard relay, they would both be in it"

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 13:26 (nineteen years ago)

best txts ever, allyzay.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 13:43 (nineteen years ago)

Tom, Theismann didn't say that! I think it was the stastical dude!

I still don't think I can look at him in that hat.

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

Tirico is right up there. He counts.

"Giants Cowboys. Just say the words and it's special."

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 14:54 (nineteen years ago)

IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT.IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT.IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT.IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT.IF THE MANNINGS WERE IN A 400 YARD RELAY, THEY WOULD BOTH BE IN IT. AAARTGhhguaornbladfngioa

― Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 15:12 (nineteen years ago)

"Eisenschefter. Just burp the alphabet and it's special."

― SOME LOW END BRO (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 15:43 (nineteen years ago)

TO IS TEH DEVIL

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 18:12 (nineteen years ago)

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2006/08/29/sports/29cowboys.1_600x257.jpg

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 21:40 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.themightymjd.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/03/toshakespeare.jpg

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 21:42 (nineteen years ago)

i saw "labban" and "lett" next to each other and read it as "labutt"

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 21:42 (nineteen years ago)

Hmm, cool poster.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 24 October 2006 21:42 (nineteen years ago)

Tony, how can you enunciate so clearly with your tongue so far up Brady's ass? It's like he's lobbying for a double date with Madden and Favre...

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 01:35 (nineteen years ago)

holy shit I was just coming on here to bitch about that. Are we now at the point in NFL culture that we have to MAKE SHIT UP to fellate teh Brady?? In whose universe is Tom Brady an "unknown" in middle America? Besides Tony "I Wish I Was Bob Costas" Kornheiser's universe, I guess.

WOW I am renewing my Brady hatred thanks to fuckface.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:29 (nineteen years ago)

I mean, seriously? The dissing on Manning, McNabb AND Vick (for, as far as I can tell, doing a handful of commercials each--which, as everyone knows including Campbell's soup, Brady has NEVER done okaaaaay) to big up "young, unknown" Tom Brady is making my blood boil. WTF? SHUT UP. GET OFF MY TV.

I am actually pretty close to turning the game off and watching cheerleader playoffs instead.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:31 (nineteen years ago)

tony kornheiser, you have sullied yourself this fall

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:33 (nineteen years ago)

I love how he added the mention of Brady's "hot girlfriend" as an "I ain't gay or nothin'" afterthought.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:36 (nineteen years ago)

Cheerleader playoffs? Wha?!

I love how he added the mention of Brady's "hot girlfriend" as an "I ain't gay or nothin'" afterthought.

Haha, I noticed that too.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:41 (nineteen years ago)

- Ho ho, man, plus the Patriots don't have David Patten anymore. Yet somehow Tom Brady manages to throw footballs down the field.
- You don't even really need other guys if you have a Tom Brady or a Peyton Manning. You can make it happen with, uh...
- Six.
- Six guys. Maybe five. Definitely no more than seven. If you have a Tom Brady. Or a Peyton Manning.

Fuck you. Doug Gabriel and Reche Caldwell are new to the team but they don't exactly suck at receivery.

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:42 (nineteen years ago)

"he feels pressure behind him and he instinctively slides... getting into a throwing position..."

O RLY?

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:44 (nineteen years ago)

unintentionally homoerotic sportscasting

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 02:45 (nineteen years ago)

Why does the Kornheiser "Halloween Derby" dude look like Butkus?

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 03:08 (nineteen years ago)

um. what the shit is this?

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 03:09 (nineteen years ago)

Young's derby guy looks exactly like him.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 03:11 (nineteen years ago)

this thread is making me re-think the "sad because of no cable" stance.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 03:18 (nineteen years ago)

Tony had Mewelde Moore in fantasy this week. I drafted the dude, but cut him quick. Tony's a more patient guy than I am.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 03:28 (nineteen years ago)

That derby debacle was officially the dumbest thing I've ever seen on MNF.

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:02 (nineteen years ago)

Dumber than when John Madden was pointing out a mustard stain on his tie?

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:05 (nineteen years ago)

I'll trade any of you Shirley MacLaine for Gwen Virdon and a player to be named later.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:06 (nineteen years ago)

I could swear I just heard Kornheiser say "blah blah The Pajama Game" WTF?

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:08 (nineteen years ago)

You heard it. We're learning a lot of about Tony Kornheiser this Monday night.

Also, he just mumbled something about Wilfork having high cholesterol under his breath.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:10 (nineteen years ago)

Dennis Miller, come home, all is forgiven.

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:17 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, wtf was he talking about with the Pajama Game Rock Hudson rambling?? And the derby was just about the creepiest thing I've ever seen, ESPECIALLY when the bobble heads came and stood right behind the real dudes, who all looked horribly uncomfortable and quite frankly only Berman could even continue speaking. What the hell was that???

PS if you have a Tom Brady, you don't even need a defense, or other dudes on your team, or a coach, because Tom Brady is the modern day version of the Mini-Ditka.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

Man did they ever turn on Brad Johnson
Q1: "He's the dependable old man of the league... they should get him a contract extension"
Q4: "OOOOOOOOOLD MAN. DUMB OLD MAN"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

This was the worst MNF game I've ever seen in my life, and it has nothing to do with what happened on the field. Holy crap. I turned it off about ten minutes ago because I just couldn't take it anymore.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:45 (nineteen years ago)

You missed Kornheiser's lengthy story about his glittering man-love for Tom Brady.

― adam (adam), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:48 (nineteen years ago)

THAT WAS CALLED THE ENTIRE GAME, DUDE.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:49 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, but it was literally about his glittering man-love right there at the end as a response to an email.

"Tony, does your wife ever get jealous over your man-crush on Tom Brady?"
--Some Guy (Boston)

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 04:54 (nineteen years ago)

And then he went straight to "mmm... glitter on his chest"

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 05:39 (nineteen years ago)

Kornheiser's jewballs bullshit is DRIVING ME APESHIT. I hate how he's always either a.) pimping some fucking storyline or b.) baiting theismann. the latter sounds like it should be hilarious but it's really just irritating. you can tell that tirico wants to headbutt him with his huge misshappen manbaby head.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 06:25 (nineteen years ago)

This broadcast has really made me appreciate NBC's Sunday Night broadcast, which is about 100x better.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 06:40 (nineteen years ago)

allllso what was with matt light being all like "O HO, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO U MY BEARDED BROTHERS!!!!"? do all o-linemen think of themselves as actual vikings or some shit?

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 06:56 (nineteen years ago)

It makes me really appreciate ESPN's Sunday Night broadcasts in the previous years too. The current MNF announcer line-up is THE WORST EVAH!

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 06:58 (nineteen years ago)

tony kornheiser, you have sullied yourself this fall

-- gear (speed.to.roa...), October 31st, 2006.

the most otm thing on this thread and sums up NFL-2006/07 completely

― If you fuck with Jimmy Mod, you call down the thunder (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 07:03 (nineteen years ago)

i watched at a bar and listened to stones bootlegs from the '70s while alternating between tanq & tonics and the champagne of beers. i wholeheartedly advocate not listening to the teleovision.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 14:09 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah but the thing is the game was pretty crap too, so that's a no-win situation wrt last night.

TONY KORNHEISER'S LIES, PIECE BY PIECE:
1. "The Patriots, despite being so successful, are one of the absolute lowest paid teams in the league": they are #15 in the league, which places them squarely in the middle (of a bullshit argument, since the league has a salary cap anyway???), and Tom Brady was the 5th highest paid player in football in 2005.* This puts them WELL below the Falcons who are apparently batshit insane but ahead of the Bears, Bengals, Eagles, Cowboys, and Bucs. And the Bills, who are also BATSHIT INSANE ($59m?? What kind of players are they getting with that little salary? Oh right JP Loseman LOL)
2. "Tom Brady, unlike Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick, doesn't bother with endorsement deals. He is a serious football player": Brady finds time in his serious footballing to pimp for Nike, Sirius, and obviously those Visa ads that were unescapable last year. He is now designing a watch for Movado.** I know he turns down a lot of endorsements, but so do McNabb and Manning. And wtf does Vick pimp for?
3. "Brady, because of his seriousness and unwillingness to pimp himself (paraphrasing now, I forget what he actually said as a metaphor for pimpin'), is unknown to most Americans": FFS he was ranked #52 on Forbes's Celebrity Power list last year.

IN SHORT I WILL BE WRITING A LETTER TO YOU, ESPN, DEMANDING IMMEDIATE FIRING OF KORNHEISER.

* PS Peyton Manning was NOWHERE in the top 25 salaries last year? What kind of crazy bonus laden start-of-contract did he have? #1 was Vick, #2 was...Hasselbeck wtf.
** In discovering this, I discovered something called the "Davie-Brown Index" which apparently ranks pro-athletes according to "awareness" and "trust" consumers have in them??????? #1 is Favre LOL.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 14:57 (nineteen years ago)

I mean seriously it took me 3 minutes on google to double check those facts, Kornheiser couldn't fit that in between PTI and football?

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 14:58 (nineteen years ago)

It may be time to point her towards the PTI studios and have her take one for the team.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

Ally, if you could maim Stat Boy while you're there, I'd appreciate it.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

Dude I'd be willing but honestly the only answer is to just get these chuckleheads off everyone's tv by legal means. They can't have the satisfaction of death, only humiliation.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:08 (nineteen years ago)

Seriously I do want someone to explain this to me:
* PS Peyton Manning was NOWHERE in the top 25 salaries last year? What kind of crazy bonus laden start-of-contract did he have? #1 was Vick, #2 was...Hasselbeck wtf.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:10 (nineteen years ago)

of a bullshit argument, since the league has a salary cap anyway???

yeah but is there a salary floor? could the pats try to pull a florida marlins and have a roster of minimum wagers? i think the pats are about $15M under the cap? so someone's not getting paid.

xpost re manning. i have no idea but i'd be really interested in finding out. that just can't be right. maybe he was somehow omitted from the list.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:11 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah but the thing is the game was pretty crap too, so that's a no-win situation wrt last night.

if it had been the giants putting on a clinic last night i'm sure you would've found the game to be more palatable.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:12 (nineteen years ago)

I don't claim to watch every NFL broadcast but i don't think I've ever seen Michael Vick in a commercial. I don't even know what he looks like.

― lk (lawrence kansas), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:16 (nineteen years ago)

haha I'm not exactly looking forward to the game against Houston this week. Y'all can feel free to call me PMS or hypocritical all you like but I ditched the Giants-Redskins game midway through that particular rape. I have limited tolerance for regular season routs.

Anyway, I don't think there is a salary floor at all--you could theoretically get a bunch of players willing to play for free. If you look at the salary thing, almost every team is $15m or more under the cap. The only ones that aren't are the Falcons (which are barely contained under the cap) and the Seahawks who are about $5m under. The difference between the #5 salary team and the #20 salary team is almost nil. It's 1-4 and 25-32 that are completely bonkers high or low.

xpost I don't think I've ever seen him in a commercial either!!

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

there's that nike commercial where he plays against high school kids and his coach has such confidence in him that the coach calls a halfback option as the last play of the game to try to win it.

xpost.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

--you could theoretically get a bunch of players willing to play for free.

even a neutured union like the nflpa wouldn't allow this.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:18 (nineteen years ago)

and i'm almost positive i've seen him in one for gatorade or powerade or some sort of ade.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

He was in some Nike amusement-park commercial a few years ago - kid strapped to a roller-coaster type of harness, flying through a fake football field, bobbing and weaving through tackles, doing a flipdy do into the endzone LIKE VICK IF I COULD BE LIKE VICK.

As for Peyton - signing bonus?

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, I seem to remember Peyton's last contract having some crazy-ass signing bonus.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:23 (nineteen years ago)

Oh yeah, I think I remember that be like Vick thing.

Anyway the point is, otto, that praising the Pats for being $15m under the salary cap is a misleading thing to say because the vast majority of teams have the exact same payroll to within a million. Kornheiser sounded like a crazy bastard last night, it was mind-boggling the stuff he pulled out of his ass. I mean, the point I'm making is that you don't have to make up lies to praise the Pats! They're a good team! Tom Brady has great stats! Why u lyin'?

xpost that is what I was figuring, like somehow he got paid all up front.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:24 (nineteen years ago)

at the end of the year it will be interesting to see who paid the least (in terms of player salary) per win. yes, that's right, i think that would be interesting.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:26 (nineteen years ago)

Things MNF has going for it:

1. No endless jingoistic repeats of those Chevy ads with the new Mellencamp song in them that make me think "National Socialism - now with 2x the false pride and 300x the twang and cowboy hats!"

2. No Pink.

3. Sometimes, Steve Young says something intelligent about the game, although this is kind of like Jaworski saying something intelligent, it perks you up because everybody else is just emitting rays of incomprehensible hot air and bullshit about the same three teams and five players every week, so anytime somebody says something that isn't that, you're like "WOW" even though it's not really wow, just a breath of oxygen finally.

4. No weird disturbing motion-capture CGI robot jumping around in my face on every break.

5. Incredibly random assortment of guest musicians backing up Hank Junior, although this has worn thin.

Everything else about MNF is shit.

― FACTS: I'M A WAITER (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 15:41 (nineteen years ago)

I think MOST per win would be pretty funny to find out too. Why is Michael Vick getting paid like ten trillion dollars this year? Some kind of bonus craziness or something?

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 16:17 (nineteen years ago)

I still can't believe that derby thing happened. what the fuck?

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 16:22 (nineteen years ago)

Steve Young seem really genuinely shaken and offended by it. He and Irvin appeared to be in the prodromal stage of emesis.

― FACTS: I'M A WAITER (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 16:24 (nineteen years ago)

yeah that was beyond the pale.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 16:26 (nineteen years ago)

Dang, I'm sorry I missed that part now.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

no seriously, you're not. I can't really describe how creepy and inexplicable it was.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 17:43 (nineteen years ago)

I'm getting cable damnit

― lk (lawrence kansas), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 17:54 (nineteen years ago)

there is no evidence that this happened on YouTube or GIS. Tom's right about how shaken everyone was by it. Berman kept going, and Jackson tried, but I don't think Michael Irvin was able to utter a single word after his bobblehead approached him and Steve Young looked like he'd be slapped. The only thing appreciable about the derby was the fact that the entire audience booed like mad for Kornheiser and Theismann, moreso than they booed even Michael Irvin's "doppleganger".

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:08 (nineteen years ago)

The only thing appreciable about the derby was the fact that the entire audience booed like mad for Kornheiser and Theismann, moreso than they booed even Michael Irvin's "doppleganger".

heh. I didn't even notice that. I think my sense of hearing temporarily shut down in the face of the ridiculousness.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:16 (nineteen years ago)

Was there any explanation as to what was going on, anyway? I mean I wasn't paying very good attention to the explanation because I was stunned. I mean, they ran all over the football field and Steve Young "won" somehow, right?

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:20 (nineteen years ago)

then stumbled into the endzone where his feet and head came off. classix.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

NO! that's really why I couldn't deal. one second, it was a commercial break and I was getting a glass of water and the next, troglodytic pseudo-sportscasters were running all over the field. I was like, what is the meaning of this?

xpost

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

I meant, no, as in, I don't remember anyone associated with ESPN explaining what the hell that derby was about.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:25 (nineteen years ago)

I was working on writing my cookbook. Then I look up from my laptop and see this. I dunno. I don't see how MNF will top this.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:30 (nineteen years ago)

I can't really describe how creepy and inexplicable it was.

That's what makes it must-see teevee! What are you, a girl?

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:31 (nineteen years ago)

OK DUDES LET'S NOT "I LOVE BASEBALL" IT UP IN THIS BITCH WITH THE GIRL-BAITING.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

whoever that new commish is, he needs to smack the fuck out of everyone associated with MNF this year

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:36 (nineteen years ago)

Apologies -- my repartee is negative-witty. I knew that was dumb when I hit submit.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:39 (nineteen years ago)

dude, if being a girl preserves me from the Tom-Brady-lust-goggles, I'll take all the girl-baiting anyone wants to dish.

xpost: it's okay! I think Ally was kidding, too.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:40 (nineteen years ago)

We should be proud such a piece of fake girl bait has done so well for himself in the NFL.

― FACTS: I'M A WAITER (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:42 (nineteen years ago)

I was just kidding, no apologies needed.

Tom Brady as hottie thing still mystifying me. I wondered if I was weird but thinking about it I only know one girl who even kind of thinks he's cute.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:43 (nineteen years ago)

I sort of feel like even the women I know who have commented that he's cute have been brainwashed by dudes who write articles about how cute he is.

― horseshoe (horseshoe), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 18:45 (nineteen years ago)

MISS NFL QB BEAUTY PAGEANT 2006

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:06 (nineteen years ago)

IN SHORT I WILL BE WRITING A LETTER TO YOU, ESPN, DEMANDING IMMEDIATE FIRING OF KORNHEISER.

I really, really need for this to happen.

.** In discovering this, I discovered something called the "Davie-Brown Index" which apparently ranks pro-athletes according to "awareness" and "trust" consumers have in them??????? #1 is Favre LOL.

But the question is, where was this guy?

http://ww3.sportsline.com/u/photos/Brown82896.jpg

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:13 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe ESPN could trade Kornheiser plus a future sixth-round draft choice to NBC for Pink.

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:14 (nineteen years ago)

WWMKjrD?

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:18 (nineteen years ago)

Roger, he was doing the rankings.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:23 (nineteen years ago)

Ah, a graceful transition to life after football. Maybe he can bring Todd Collins on as an intern.

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:27 (nineteen years ago)

vick was in a ton of commercials when he first came out (lol anyone remember the powerade ones where he threw a football out of the stadium?) but now it's just briscoe football and nike *wah wah*

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 19:54 (nineteen years ago)

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) -- A college football announcer for ESPNU has been taken off the air for his questionable use of the word "gay" in Saturday's telecast of the Northern Illinois-Iowa game.
Brian Kinchen, a color commentator, will not work his regularly scheduled game this weekend, Josh Krulewitz, ESPN's vice president of public relations told The Des Moines Register.

Krulewitz said the decision was made after network officials conducted an internal review and determined Kinchen's remarks were inappropriate.
During the game Saturday, Kinchen was explaining the need for receivers to make catches with their hands because they are "tender" and can "caress" the ball. He then paused and said, "that's kind of gay, but hey ..."
Kinchen's future as a commentator with ESPNU, the cable network's college football channel, is still under review, Krulewitz said.
Kinchen, a former tight end who played in the NFL from 1988-00, apologized for his remarks.

"They were completely inappropriate and not at all a reflection of who I am or the way I perform my work," Kinchen said in a statement issued by ESPN. "I have learned from my mistake and look forward to continuing my broadcasting career."

― gear (gear), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 20:34 (nineteen years ago)

Maybe he can bring Todd Collins on as an intern.

i saw him play h.s. fb in massachusetts a thousand years ago. his dad was a head coach for the celtics.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 20:36 (nineteen years ago)

torry holt talks a lot about "making love" to the ball. as opposed to a violent cornholing, i guess.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 31 October 2006 20:38 (nineteen years ago)

Christian Slater is retarded.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 02:36 (nineteen years ago)

or coked up?

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 03:02 (nineteen years ago)

or a damn good actor with a bright future ahead of him?

― j blount (papa la bas), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 03:22 (nineteen years ago)

1 & 2, not 3.

― Johnny Fever (johnny fever), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 03:25 (nineteen years ago)

tirico's initial response to the "Tony Award" was the correct one.

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 04:54 (nineteen years ago)

wtf happened at the end of the game???

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:02 (nineteen years ago)

How long until we see a Brayton knee to the groin animated gif? Fucking weird.

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:08 (nineteen years ago)

The guy he kneed just laughed at him. HARDCORE.

― Django Blowhardt (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:12 (nineteen years ago)

someone summarize, i only watched for like 15 mins. also was that WILBON in the booth? was he doing the whole game?? that's actually not a bad idea.

― (9ò_ó)-o Q(^.^Q) (Adrian Langston), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 05:19 (nineteen years ago)

Wilbon just kinda showed up at the end of the game, as far as I can tell. I didn't really watch the game until like the last quarter and even with that I missed the knee groining cos I was writing my book. Fuck a Oakland-Seattle game, I watched Drunken Master instead.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:57 (nineteen years ago)

No Wilbon just came to pay a visit at the end there. What he was really doing in fucking Seattle I can't imagine.

Yeah RH I thought that was great, like UGH I'M GOING TO KNEE YOU and dude was like "HAVE YOU NOTICED, WE ARE WEARING PADDED ARMOR ALL OVER OUR BODIES?" Brayton = bag of hammers

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

xpost

― LISTEN U TURBO CROUTON (TOMBOT), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

I watched part of this grotesque game last night and I've come to the conclusion that Thiesmann may be functionally retarded. Several comments set my teeth on edge: 1)Theismann says the sacks are Walther fault, but Robert Gallery is getting blown-up nearly every other play. Walther didn't even have time to finish his drops. 2)Theismann comments on Walther's Bledsoe-like lack of mobility, then says ten minutes later that Oakland should do more roll-outs and bootleg plays. WTF, if your quarterback trips over his feet aren't roll-outs and bootlegs going to get him killed by the pursuit. Finally, Joey said taking Romo out the previous game was the right move, but he went ballistic during the game. At least Kornheiser called Theismann on it. Only thing Joey didn't do was make the crazy "rain makes the ball easier to grip" comment.

LOL at Art Shell. Has he died and been replaced by a zombie. He never changes expression. Lastly, the Oakland offense is the worst I’ve ever seen and that includes high school, college, and pro.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 16:58 (nineteen years ago)

I blame Randy Moss.

― David R. (popshots75`), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:00 (nineteen years ago)

I loved how they all held fast to the idea that the problem with the Raiders' offense was not throwing the ball to Randy Moss enough, despite repeated, blatant, in-front-of-their-eyes evidence that Randy Moss has lost all abilities to catch a ball. I mean, there were plays where he dropped a pass while they were talking about how the problem is not throwing to Randy Moss. QUE???

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:07 (nineteen years ago)

Randy looked hilariously sad last night.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:08 (nineteen years ago)

I felt really bad for the Raiders' defense.

― Allyzay Eisenschefter (allyzay), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:28 (nineteen years ago)

They are actually pretty damned good, what a waste.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 17:37 (nineteen years ago)

As per the knee to the nuts incident, I'll bet money there are people on his own team who would love to kick Jeramey Stevens in the ball-sack.

Robert Gallery looks like one of the all-time busts and Moss has quit trying. Someone from the defense should give those two a serious beat down.

I'm a card carrying Raiders Hater and even I feel bad for them.

― Ice Cream Electric (Ice Cream Electric), Wednesday, 8 November 2006 00:35 (nineteen years ago)

ten months pass...

wtf i don't remember this thread title being changed.

― hstencil, Monday, 10 September 2007 02:09 (eighteen years ago)

god I hate these assholes.

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 02:23 (eighteen years ago)

hey guys look we have a graphic showing how many johnsons are on the bengals let's put that up there. do any of you know how to use this light pen? I want to draw another circle around a guy named johnson. Oh there's the quarterback! I'ma draw a circle around him TOO!!! LOL I GET PAID SO MUCH FOR THIS

Michelle Tafoya was actually pissing me off the most though what with reciting last weeks' SI blurbs about carson palmer's summer reading from the sideline. I wanted to set off a kilo of gelignite under her jaw.

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 03:27 (eighteen years ago)

i hope ocho cinco's next celebration is to stick a fukkin shiv in kornheiser

on the bright side jaws is AMAAAAZNIG A+++ WBFA

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:20 (eighteen years ago)

my favorite part was the 5 minute conversation about kanye west v adam west

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:21 (eighteen years ago)

i heard one of the ~*lady broadcasters*~, tafoya or kramer or i don't know who, in the booth with mike mayock on one of the preseason games nfln played - i was surprised/disappointed by how inept she sounded. it'd be cool if a gurl got one of those gigs and totally handled her biznazz instead of just being a sideline lawn gnome

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:22 (eighteen years ago)

Speaking of which, I thought Bonnie Bernstein looked more like Cuddy on House?

― Leee, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:38 (eighteen years ago)

it'd be cool if a gurl got one of those gigs and totally handled her biznazz instead of just being a sideline lawn gnome

Pam Oliver Pam Oliver Pam Oliver

or, Allyzay, do you still hate your job?

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:46 (eighteen years ago)

if allyzay became an actual nfl sideline reporter she would have to stop posting as "the schef"

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

conflict of interest etc

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

YES how do i get one of these jobs i mean first of all i'm cuter than either of those girls from last night second of all i wouldn't wax poetic for 83 minutes about some bullshit carson palmer read in the oprah's book club over the summer third of all i would ask ppl the hard questions such as "eli, WHY did you want to play for the giants so badly? i mean...san diego is a lot nicer than jersey. what's your deal, bro?"

xpost i hardly see why i'd have to do that, who would even know

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:48 (eighteen years ago)

also i would never ever ever wear any of the hideous awful "i got this at kohl's on sale" outfits that bonnie bernstein insists on wearing. the parade of hats!

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:51 (eighteen years ago)

i hate her almost as much as i hate jillian barbieri

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:51 (eighteen years ago)

yeah, if Adam Schefter hasn't served you with a cease and desist yet, I think you're in the clear!

xpost ugh barberie

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:52 (eighteen years ago)

he HAS to know about the site by now.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 17:53 (eighteen years ago)

my luv for Berstein is well known. she used to be a gymnast.

― brownie, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 18:48 (eighteen years ago)

You are not cuter than Suzy Colbert. Sorry.
And I'd love to see Suzy up in the booth.

― forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:22 (eighteen years ago)

http://images.usatoday.com/sports/nfl/_photos/2003-12-23-namath-inside.jpg
"Forks Clove Tofu" talks to a girl

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:38 (eighteen years ago)

the best thing about gising "suzy kolber" is that the first results are all actually attractive, half-naked co-eds who have for some reason become associated with suzy kolber by google.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:53 (eighteen years ago)

i mean i wish this was suzy kolber amirite
http://www.jimmydreamz.com/interviews/images/dh-2.jpg

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 20:54 (eighteen years ago)

ugh that whore

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:03 (eighteen years ago)

i don't think you should be calling suzy kolber a whore

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:03 (eighteen years ago)

no I just went to look up this diane hill person because usually the girls in maxim do something other than just stick their boobs out for maxim and she's this terrible ESPN talking ~~head~~breasts ner ner ner

who's that woman who subs in for NFLN's Around The League in the offseason? She's a bimbo too.

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:07 (eighteen years ago)

the blonde with coulterface? she is so boring

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:11 (eighteen years ago)

oh god that lady

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:32 (eighteen years ago)

she doesn't talk right.

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:34 (eighteen years ago)

i remember one time it was just her and dukes and he was being all gregarious and engaging and shit and whenever he asked her something she was just like "ha ha... yeah..." ::stoneface::

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:35 (eighteen years ago)

that said pretty much everyone who isnt eisen or dukes is pretty awful. i don't know what i think of that greek dude who looks like he just hit puberty. the nerdy black guy sucks but he's better than the less nerdy black guy.

― cankles, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:36 (eighteen years ago)

omg Ade, Jamie Dukes has a new show!!!

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

WAHT

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

IS IT A WHOLE HOUR OF PUT UP YOUR DUKES

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:37 (eighteen years ago)

oh, I meant Put up Your Dukes. Was that around last season?

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:38 (eighteen years ago)

yeah but I think it was just a segment on total access

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:39 (eighteen years ago)

now it's a full half-hour show:

http://www.nfl.com/nflnetwork/showscontent?page=/nflnetwork/programs/putupyourdukes&subjectType=putupyourdukes

― horseshoe, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:41 (eighteen years ago)

oh man 6:30pm EST I'm at work then dammit

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 11 September 2007 21:42 (eighteen years ago)

i hope ocho cinco's next celebration is to stick a fukkin shiv in kornheiser

on the bright side jaws is AMAAAAZNIG A+++ WBFA

― David R., Tuesday, 11 September 2007 22:30 (eighteen years ago)

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