Is there such a thing as a nice break-up?

This started as a poorly disguised, general question. You know why I asked in the first place ...

By just assuming it'll happen and accepting it before it does. Relationships have inertia, even if you're not in one. That's why so many people who get through the first year and a half stay in the relationship beyond its sell-by date -- you get that much juice going, it can be hard to stop. You get in a break-up-and-fuck pattern, it's hard to break that, too. You get out of a relationship altogether, you're still cruising on fumes, and you've got that emotional hathead going on (you know, when you've worn a hat all day, and you take it off, and you feel like you're still wearing a hat? Yeah, I just said emotional hathead. It WORKS.)

Sometimes it's a rebound, sometimes it's an egostroke fuck-and-run, sometimes it's more, but whatever the case, I just figure, any time I'm ending something, assume the partner's going to hop back on the track before long. Deal with it, accept it, go through the "but I still feel something" stuff, grok that I'm gonna be a little bit of an asshole about it possibly, and keep that inside. Cause who knows, I could be the one jumping first, and do unto others and all that.

I'm actually very good friends with my ex-girlfriend. In fact, we just had lunch together. Part of the reason we broke up was that we felt like we were better friends than lovers. (This after two years, though.) But it did take a long time for us to get to this happy point -- especially since she did start dating right away, and I haven't had much luck since.

I think she still has some DVDs of mine... but I have her "Arcades Project" so I guess it's fair.

Reasons for breaking up probably play a huge role, cause that was why my break-up happened, too. Our hindsight-is-60-minutes take is that we became such good friends, so quickly, that since we were of the appropriate genders and found each other attractive, we said, "Sweet mother of crap, it's love, baby." And it was, but not that kind, apparently.

*snicker*

Ha - thanks for trying to cheer me up, but somehow I doubt it will work out that way. Anyway, I liked that emotional phantom hat analogy. It's definitely going to be strange for a while.

/motivational-speaker

But this is, basically, the only example of a good breakup I've ever had. Even ones that I thought were going to be OK turned nasty very quickly. My policy is now, if the relationship is over, turn around and walk out without looking back. Don't even try to save a friendship, just expell the person from your life as quickly as possible and attempt to move on. Otherwise, that way lies madness.

I don't think any break-up can be considered nice, but there is such a thing as a good break up.

Yeah, I prefer the kind where you hate each other. Breaking up with someone you otherwise cherish is brutal.

it's a lot easier when there is anger, or hate or w/e for sure. it's just sad to break up with someone you adore.

Well thats why I said painless OR for the best I suppose.

I still miss my most recent ex sometimes - and he's still my best friend! Its nuts.

was 'transition' really not a verb 7 yrs ago?

it's just sad to break up with someone you adore.

yeah, the best way to do this is to introduce huge amounts of distance and forget all of their contact details i think. anything less is just prolonged torture.

the best way to do this is to introduce huge amounts of distance and forget all of their contact details

Key point: DO NOT LET THEM STAY FRIENDS W YOU. They just feel guilty for breaking yr heart and want to keep your friendship. Remember that the choice is not theirs, and in fact, move house right after and never give them your new address so they know that you have banished all memories of them in your home and they can wonder where you are now forever after.

yeah dont try to be friends w/ yr ex till years later

i said this on some other thread but being friends w an ex is like visiting your high school--totally weird if you do it right after you graduate but kind of nice if you pop by a couple years later

especially if your high school is now fucking somebody else

Key point: DO NOT LET THEM STAY FRIENDS W YOU. They just feel guilty for breaking yr heart and want to keep your friendship. Remember that the choice is not theirs, and in fact, move house right after and never give them your new address so they know that you have banished all memories of them in your home and they can wonder where you are now forever after.

― Let's see how tough Aquaman is once we get him in the water. (Laurel), Wednesday, February 10, 2010 9:43 AM (11 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

truth 4 youth imo

get their pheremones out of your nose before trying to change the dynamic.

im watching a friend try and do this now and it's like he's banging his head against a wall :(

i think breaking up with someone and trying to stay friends with them is an (often unintentionally) really cruel and selfish thing to do

100% agree and that was my position when it was done to me -- you DON'T GET TO CHOOSE in what capacity you want me in your life, do you GET THAT?? If you want to benefit from my personality, gifts, strengths, whatever, you have to sign up for the whole thing.

This is not a buffet and also fuck you.

xp ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

even if, as the broken up with party, you think it's what you might want at the time. it isn't.

agree with laurel's hard sell too. wanting the soft skills and nothing more is on a par with buddyfucking someone that's into you.

agree but situation may vary depending on how many kids/pets you've co-parented.

I recently ended a 7 year relationship (by which I mean I had it ended on me) and it was weird and definitely painful on both sides, but after what was a pretty rough final year (I think the unspoken shared sentiment was something like 'this isn't right and we should end it but six years is a long time, it'll surely go right again...', with much resultant unpleasantry) now that we've jettisoned the shit we're 'best friends' or something like that again. It's pretty good, although my loins often disagree a bit.

I tried to accept his offer to stay friends b/c I would have given anything to see his name in my emails again and have some piece of him. But it was killing me by degrees every time he wanted to be "friendly".

When I realized it was taking me 3 days to stop tearing strips out of myself over one email, I cut it off. The only way.

Laurel 110% OTM IMO but yeah as Myonga said co-parenting complicates clean breaks

Myonga Noodle Vague

now that we've jettisoned the shit we're 'best friends' or something like that again. It's pretty good,

don't know anything about the situation obviously, but have 'other people' entered the equation yet? because if not all you're experiencing right now is the red numbers counting down ime.

pretty sure i could break up with my kids, if i had any. they never respected the real me and i was too good for them anyway.

oh man you get days like that

right now we're on 'break' but the last phonecall was pretty amicable. being long distance helps in more ways than one, I guess. not sure what the next step is

xp Hah! And yours are so CUTE, NV.

xposts to darragh; they haven't, so that is probably accurate. If things go as scheduled we'll no longer be living in the same place come October or so, so ima hoping it holds out till then and after that it can naturally develop as it pleases, I guess.

all my friends tell me i could get better kids in the morning

xp yeah i'm not wishing bad on you or anything, it's just that some important part of your head doesn't know you've broken up until the third party enters scene left.

and i mean some of my third parties had already appeared in supporting roles tbh

I've definitely been the "let's carry on like before except I get to do what the hell I want" guy tho. It is selfish imo

hard to define it as anything else, i anyone's o

it's just that some important part of your head doesn't know you've broken up until the third party enters scene left.

depending on the relationship, it could be a prolonged thing - there are a bunch of different stages - even after a third party enters the scene - but yeah, there's often a "this is not real" quality at first, and then when reality sinks in, it's extremely brutal.

As of 10 February 2010, the Earth's population is estimated by the United States Census Bureau to be 6,801,800,000.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Population_of_earth

The more you stay hung up on one person the more you're missing out on 6,801,799,999 others.

^ Man, you're not very picky, now are you :)

I've remained friends with some, but just not "good" friends.

Trying to support a friend going thru one of these, which is hard because she ruminates on this shit.

I am one week post a very nice break up. I guess I'm debuting here because my ex follows me on some socials and it doesn't need to go public like that, but it was very mature and sensible and we are still v posi, which I actually didn't expect. I managed to break up with someone who didn't want to break up with me, and convince them it was for their own good and have them actually BE GRATEFUL. I can do anything.

<3

It was after 10 years, our families basically considered us married, or as good as. I told my mom some months ago that I thought I was going to do it, and she said "That would make me very sad" and I said, "I would rather you be sad than that I be sad for the rest of my life because my partner doesn't see me" and she's shut up about it since then. Moms. What are you gonna do? Mine is great but she definitely is not a "whatever you need to do, I support you" mom, if you're going off-script in her view.

<3²

Full support to you in doing what's best for you. Glad the break-up was amicable.

yeah much love to you IO <3

<33333

Aw Laurel, sending love ❤️

aw <3 well done for doing what's best

(can echo that it is very possible yes, and can indeed result in ongoing friendship)

Great to hear it went so smoothly io, good to see you around again

hope you're ok io. natural endings well handled are not tragedies.

way to go io.

and moms can get it tbqh

good job io -- i have noticed that you have seemed very one foot in/one foot out of this relationship for a while. whatever logistical reasons there were, it felt like you were putting up with him and i am glad for your own sake that you chose yourself. <3

Thank you all so much! Yes, this has resolved a lot of cognitive dissonance for me and it's such a relief. My future always kind of had a shadow over what was possible, in the constraints of my partner not really challenging me toward growth but being something I had to manage around and accommodate. Obviously that's not fair to the other party either--he deserves to be more than a burden to someone, or at least to have the chance to prove that he can be.

The amicable-ness is a nice surprise. I didn't know I was capable of it and I didn't think he was either, but it's working out beautifully.