Everyone's a Comedian

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This is a spin-off of Horace's Get Up Stand Up thread.

This is the thread where you pretend to be a stand-up comedian and tell silly tales inspired by your every-day (fascinating, I'm sure) life in a comedian stylee and nobody can throw food at you.

(I try out my pretend stand-up routines on NA all the time, but he just rolls his eyes - he's so unappreciative!)

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:36 (twenty-two years ago)

whats the deal with ovaltine?

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:37 (twenty-two years ago)

So I say to the guy, "Not on my monkey-fuckin' watch, you assgoblin!"

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

tell silly tales inspired by your every-day (fascinating, I'm sure) life in a comedian stylee

We have done this

― Sommermute (Wintermute), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:43 (twenty-two years ago)

So, on the way home yesterday, I drive by the lovely Krispy Kreme and they have this new OPEN banner stuck in front of the store. Now, it's not like this is a NEW Krispy Kreme. It's been open for as long as I can remember. It wasn't even closed temporarily. And they've already got a neon Open sign. But what's more - who the Fuck doesn't notice a HUGE Krispy Kreme building with all the logos on it and huge signs as it is? As if this stupid little 'open' sign is gonna make people go, "OH, look! A Krispy Kreme! I never noticed that place before..."

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Sommermute = smart ass

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Coudn't help it.

― Sommermute (Wintermute), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Ha ha, Sommermute. First, I was gonna say that's what I normally do on everyone's threads - post links back to where they've been done before to try to be helpful (um, I mean, a smart ass). But then I actually clicked on your link.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Where's Jon Williams? I was actually looking forward to listening to his voice sample last night when I was downloading wavs from the What do you sound like? thread. But then, he fooled me again.

― Sarah MCLUsky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 13:57 (twenty-two years ago)

So I'm like, sitting in this interweb cafe and the guy next to me is looking at porn and...taking a thorough and leisurely search for his car keys somewhere in his pocket, y'know? About to sink the pocket 8-ball, right? Having a muffled knuckle shuffle! Disgusting! So I say to him, "Umm, do you mind? Or else I'm going to tell everybody on ILXor", at which point he says "ILXor yeah! Quick, find the Alizee pictures, I'm about to come!"

― dave q, Friday, 22 August 2003 14:04 (twenty-two years ago)

the ol five knuckle shuffle on the ol piss pump.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Have you ever noticed...American people post like THIS...but British people post like THIS...

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:07 (twenty-two years ago)

So, you know [subject]. And how he's/she's/they're/it's always [observation on subject's behaviour]. I mean, why don't they [hilarious suggestion based on extrapolation of previous observation]!!!

― robster (robster), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Yesterday is was SO hot...

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Yesterday it was SO hot...

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

How hot was it, bitch?

― NA (Nick A.), Friday, 22 August 2003 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

there's one I'm working on involving a Jewish version of Apocalypse Now called Apocalypse, Nu? and ending with the line (said at a wedding) "the hora... the hora..."

― s1utsky (slutsky), Friday, 22 August 2003 15:24 (twenty-two years ago)

New York and L.A.! Great cities, but they're SO different!

― Jesse Fuchs (Jesse Fuchs), Friday, 22 August 2003 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

So I got up this morning to take a shower and there's this huge cockroach in my bathtub! No, I'm serious! And I'm like, hey, I didn't have cockroaches in my bathtub during the Clinton administration! And then I called my friend but she was all like, "Why the fuck are you calling me this early in the morning?" and she hung up on me! What's up with THAT? And then I went to get some breakfast but, dude, I was out of Cheerios and the bagels had mold on them! Whoaaa! The Republicans are fucking up the world and shit!

― Jewelly-zay (jewelly), Friday, 22 August 2003 15:44 (twenty-two years ago)

So, I start this thread on this message board I post to called "Everyone's a Comedian." And I'm thinking, THIS, yes, THIS is going to be THE thread of Summer 2003 cuz everyone on ILE thinks they're fuckin' comedians! And then I open my thread back up later and there's like hardly any posts on there at all. WAKE Up, PEOPLE! It's fUNNY TIME! HOlla'! Helllooo-ooo!

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Friday, 22 August 2003 18:43 (twenty-two years ago)

WAKE Up,
PEOPLE! It's fUNNY TIME! HOlla'! Helllooo-ooo!
OMG, that's exactly what I was doing the other night onstage. I'm like, hello, that was a really funny joke about property taxes at Wayne Manor. And about how Clark Kent wouldn't be so mild-mannered if he was unemployed, which is what he would be if he ducked out of work that often at the newspaper I work for.
What, am I the only comic nerd here?

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Friday, 22 August 2003 19:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Magnet drives like this...

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Friday, 22 August 2003 20:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Horace, tell that Wayne Manor joke!

― Leee (Leee), Friday, 22 August 2003 20:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I love the smell of chicken schmaltz in the morning

― rosemary (rosemary), Friday, 22 August 2003 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I was walking back to my car from work this afternoon and then hurgleplatz like it was kismet or reminded me of Denny's where you know they just named the damn sandwich something stupid just so to make you say it out loud so Friedrich can giggle in his grave and I went to camp so long ago JESUS CHRIST was my couselor like, mexican food, people, what is up with that anyway.

― Millar (Millar), Friday, 22 August 2003 21:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay, since you asked...

So blah blah blah tell you a little about myself blah blah blah writer blah blah blah watch a lot of cartoons blah blah blah better now than when I was growing up blah blah blah Super Friends blah blah blah bunch of pansies blah blah blah Justice Leaugue blah blah blah superheroes blah blah blah disillusioned blah blah blah unrealistic blah blah blah Fortress of Solitude blah blah blah and like Batman, what the fuck is up with him?
He goes to such great lengths to protect his secret identity as Bruce Wayne, but probably everybody at Gotham-Hydro suspects something's up. I mean, there's no good reason for a bachelor, his series of teenaged wards and their man-servant to be using as much electricity as Stately Wayne Manor does.
And fuck, if I was some supervillain, I wouldn't mess around with no crazy scheme to destroy the Batman like you always see. The way to get Batman is the same way they got Al Capone. Taxes. You think he's declared the Batcave under "improvements to site" on his property taxes? Hell no!
Batman cheats on his taxes. What a scumbag.
Y'know what else I fuckin' hate about Batman? He's always stopping bank robberies. That kills me. (two drink minimum to hear the rest)

Sorry Leee, I know it's not so hot.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Yo funny guy, TAKE IT OFF.

― Leee (Leee), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:39 (twenty-two years ago)

Seriously, that was so funny it was humorous.

― Leee (Leee), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean to say, I liked it. :D

― Leee (Leee), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:40 (twenty-two years ago)

PS I'm totally into the F-Word this week. It's the new black.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:41 (twenty-two years ago)

tha bank robbery part is, I think, a little better. It's my sort of social commentary. I mean, in a world full of rapists, child abusers and wife-beaters, doesn't it piss you off to see a millionaire protecting the money of other millionaires? Money which is thoroughly insured, mind you. Batman, what a sell-out.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Reminds me of something a friend once said in a mini-ts: bats vs. supes. He said something like, Why was Batman, a billionaire, beating on the criminals i.e. lower class schlubs? VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

― Leee (Leee), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:46 (twenty-two years ago)

not that Superman's much better. Sure, it's nice to have him around when someone busts out of the Phantom Zone, but seeing the most powerful dude in the galaxy beat up on a junky goes against my liberal upbringing.

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Sunday, 24 August 2003 01:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Nick just burped really close to my head. That's funny, isn't it?

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Sunday, 24 August 2003 02:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, but you can't really do that kind of thing in a standup routine unless you got a THX PA.

― Sommermute (Wintermute), Sunday, 24 August 2003 10:33 (twenty-two years ago)

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