Sharing a flat: c or d?

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My flatmate's been living and working in another town for this summer, and staying in our apartment without her has got me thinking of things... I'm not sure I'm capable of living alone quite yet, even if my financial situation would allow for it. I've alaways lived with someone, you see: I moved away from home when I was 19, I lived over three years in a three-person commune, after which I've shared a two-person flat for about a year. So these three summer months have been longest period of my life I've been alone. Even though I'm quite close with my flatmate, it's not that I need someone to share everything with; I'm not sure if I'd be able to live together with a girlfriend. What I've missed this summer is the simple knowledge that she's there, that if I have the need to talk to someone, she's always around (and vice versa, obviously). She's coming back next month, which I'm very glad of. Now, my question is: am I pathetic or what?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 23 August 2003 10:41 (twenty-two years ago)

What kind of experiences you've had sharing a flat or living in a commune? Did you like it or was it awful? Do you like to live with someone, or do you prefer privacy?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 23 August 2003 14:28 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't think I would ever like to be living entirely by myself, especially if I wasn't going out much. That would be incredibly lonely. Or if I was living entirely by myself I think I would want to only be using it as a place to sleep at night and try not to spend very much time there.

― A Nairn (moretap), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Dud. I can't even stand the thought of living with someone I'm not either sleeping with or raising. I would, if forced, make extraordinary sacrifices in standard of living in order to avoid the necessity of a roommate.

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:09 (twenty-two years ago)

18 years of being an only child + 3 years in college dormitories + 3.5 years of barracks + .5 years of sharing this house with various folks = I don't even know anymore

― Millar (Millar), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:21 (twenty-two years ago)

I've never lived with a girlfriend, but I'm sure that's be quite different. Of course, if you've dated someone for a long time, you want to share everything, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want it at this point of my life. With my flatmate, things are quite nice, because we can have privacy if we want to (our rooms are separated by the hall and the kitchen, so even if one of us is having sex, it won't disturb the other), but we also there's someone there for you in case you need him/her.

I think living by yourself has become such a norm for young urban singles, that sometimes I almost feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't want to do that.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I've lived with the b/f for six years, but in the middle of those six were two where he was out of state for graduate school. I drank a lot more then. It was also very lonely--even more lonely than the two years for some reason--having him gone for the summer. I've had non-b/f roommates and it was pretty dud though, although I'm sure it could be okay with the right people.

― teeny (teeny), Saturday, 23 August 2003 15:39 (twenty-two years ago)

For about a year I shared a house with 4 other people. That was fun, but it often felt like living inside a bad epispde pf "Friends", which is pretty dud. We started off really serious with weekly dinner parties and all that stuff, but all 5 of us went out and had lots of activities and jobs and school, so we ended up sometimes not seing each other for days. It was nice when you were feeling lonely, though, in a "wanna watch a movie and get drunk?"-kind of way. I think it helped that we were so many, I don't think I'd be comfortable sharing with just one person. It'd get too intimate, no?

Now I live with the boyfriend which is great. I've lived by myself also and that was fine.

― Hanna (Hanna), Saturday, 23 August 2003 20:16 (twenty-two years ago)

It's ok, but I like living alone. However, I think it is causing my housekeeping abilities to suffer, and I would probably not do so well with a roommate now. For example, my dish washing skills have gotten so poor. Sometimes I feel quite like a before on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

― rosemary (rosemary), Sunday, 24 August 2003 02:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I just realized I've never lived alone. After I graduated college (where I lived in a dorm surrounded by crazy college folk), I moved back home and lived in my mom's garage for a couple of months. So I had my family right there. When I got hungry, I could just key my way into the kitchen or use their bath as my shower was weird and tiny. Then I moved back to my college town to wait for Nick to graduate. So, for two years I had a room in this lady's house. So, I was on my own, but not really cuz all I had to do was open my; bedroom door and I could find her by teh smell of pot and sound of laughter and clinking glasses (every night was a girl's night for her pretty much). She was in her 50s so it was like having another - albeit, more hippie-like - mom around. And Nick would spend the night a lot too. And then we moved out and got an apartment of our own. And are now in our second apartment. So, I've never ever lived alone. I don't think I could do it though. I get scared really easily.

― Sarah McLUsky (coco), Sunday, 24 August 2003 03:21 (twenty-two years ago)

If you have a good bunch of friends nearby, living alone is pretty great. You can invite over whoever you want whenever you want without risking annoying your roomie, you can go out when you want (obv), but when you fancy some you time (man) it's always there, without interruptions. Plus you can walk around naked as much as you like.

― Mark C (Mark C), Sunday, 24 August 2003 09:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I am now waiting in anticipation for the day when I read in a celebrity gossip column: "Simon le Bon says his neighbour walks around his flat naked! 'Maybe he doesn't realise we can all see him,' said the former pop star. 'Or maybe he just wants the world to see how well hung he is.'"

― caitlin (caitlin), Sunday, 24 August 2003 12:22 (twenty-two years ago)

You meant Yasmin, of course.

― Mark C (Mark C), Sunday, 24 August 2003 12:25 (twenty-two years ago)

I'd imagine they both look

― caitlin (caitlin), Sunday, 24 August 2003 12:27 (twenty-two years ago)

I forgot about the lounging around in your underwear or naked. That's good, too.

― rosemary (rosemary), Sunday, 24 August 2003 13:12 (twenty-two years ago)

sharing with non-partners is totally dud. but then again i don't like people much. the only time sharing is any good is if its with a wife/husband/partner coz you kind of want them around.

― Dave Stelfox (Dave Stelfox), Sunday, 24 August 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I forgot about the lounging around in your underwear or naked. That's good, too.

Extremely! Especially in hot weather.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 24 August 2003 13:32 (twenty-two years ago)

i like sharing and have met some good friends through doing it

― gareth (gareth), Sunday, 24 August 2003 14:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I think it helped that we were so many, I don't think I'd be comfortable sharing with just one person. It'd get too intimate, no?

Not necessarily. As I said, my flatmate and I have separate rooms with separate doors, so if we want to have privacy we can have it. Of course the important thing is that we're both quite social, so the intimacy doesn't bother us. My first two flatmates were kinda loners, and commune living probably wasn't the right choice for them, which is why they eventually moved away to live by themselves.

I forgot about the lounging around in your underwear or naked. That's good, too.

Well, me and my flatmate have no problems seeing each other nude. When she had some infection in her breast, I was the first one she showed it. Because of all the unisex saunas we Finns are quite accustomed to seeing each other naked, so nudity's not a big issue among friends.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 25 August 2003 08:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I walk around naked/in underwear a lot. Couple of months ago when I had been home sleeping while my boyfriend was out boozing, I woke up in the morning and went out in the living room and suddenly there was this guy there who neiter of us really knows that well, who my drunk boyfriend had invited to stay the night cause he'd missed the last train. So he saw me (almost) naked but we both pretended it didn't happen and I went and got dressed and then all three of us had breakfast.
Still feels a bit odd when I run into the guy at clubs etc, knowing he's laid eyes on my bare breasts.

― Hanna (Hanna), Monday, 25 August 2003 09:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Being ashamed of nudity is something I really don't understand; I know it's very common, but I still don't get it. I guess it's a cultural thing - nudity really isn't a big deal in Finland. I've seen most of my friends nude in the sauna, and we've often done nude swimming as well. Also, I've gone streaking with folks I hardly knew and had naked wrestling in a sandbox. Well, maybe it isn't a cultural thing after all, maybe it's just me...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 25 August 2003 09:52 (twenty-two years ago)

yes, we are v repressed here.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 25 August 2003 09:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I wish America could get over its fear of the body but at the same time I'm not going to be the one to confront it!

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 25 August 2003 14:17 (twenty-two years ago)

three months pass...

Revive!

She'll be away for a year on a student exchange, starting next February. I'm grief-struck; I'm not sure how I'll manage without her... Nowadays we act like an married couple, without romantic part of course.

Is this even more pathetic? I think my only option now is to find a long-term girlfriend.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 4 December 2003 14:23 (twenty-two years ago)

"The" romantic part.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 4 December 2003 14:23 (twenty-two years ago)

the pseudo married couple thing i went through with my flatmate a couple years ago.

― charltonlido (gareth), Thursday, 4 December 2003 14:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, I know another set of flatmates who act like a couple too, only in their case it's even worse: they get jealous at each other for having dates even though they're "just" friends. Luckily this has never happened to us.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 4 December 2003 14:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't believe I never posted to this thread. I don't want to detail all of my living-with-people experiences (three boyfriends and a Single White Femalesque roommate, all of which were negative experiences--funnily the really clinically "off" one was the best roommate out of the four, neat and always apt to help out and friendly with the other building tenants) but I've had my place to myself for about two years now and this is GREAT.

― Allyzay, Thursday, 4 December 2003 15:23 (twenty-two years ago)

my housemates are pretty quiet and i don't see them every day. none of them would ever suggest going for a drink which is a shame i think, as i rarely make such suggestions myself, unless the people are more sociable than me (not hard but in this case they don't seem to be) and down for whatever. so i just hang out with ILXers now ;)

the kitchen is too small so you have to choose your moments when you use it. likewise the bathroom which can be very frustrating and these are the most annoying things about sharing (assuming your housemates are not mentalists a situation which fortunately i have never found myself in)

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 4 December 2003 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

haha Stevem, your flatmates sound like mine.

You're not one of my flatmates, are you?

― robster (robster), Thursday, 4 December 2003 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I have mostly only ever lived with boyfriends... which is almost like living by yourself in a way, because you have a stake in every room.

I recently had a brief period of sharing a large flat with 3 other people though, and I really started to hate it. They came home every night at 5 pm, parked their butts in the kitchen and chainsmoked their way through a bottle of vodka. Fairly nice people, just not my way of living. I didn't like having to stay in my bedroom to get some privacy, either.

I don't know if it's because I'm older, or just used to having more of my own space - but I don't think I'll be housesharing again.

― elisabeth k, Thursday, 4 December 2003 15:38 (twenty-two years ago)

One of the most dud aspects of sharing a flat/apartment/house/loft is that seemingly responsible people have a tendency to become quite the opposite when it comes to bill-paying. While you still live together, people will often pay because they see you frequently, can't avoid you, etc. However, if any utility liability exists after everyone moves out, they vanish into the woodwork, don't return calls or emails, etc.

I'm sure some people are responsible enough not to do this, but I've been very surprised at the number of people I considered friends who were not.

Living with significant others can put a great deal of strain on a relationship unless you are a person who does not like to have privacy; there isn't any refuge if you don't want to see that person (fighting, bad mood, etc.) I've done it three times and every time the relationship quickly went into a downward spiral shortly after moving in together.

― webcrack (music=crack), Thursday, 4 December 2003 20:36 (twenty-two years ago)

I have trouble deciding if it's C or D lately, mostly due to money concerns. This is the 2nd apartment I've had all to myself and living alone suits me quite well most of the time, especially now that I'm in a place where I have various people to go out and see on a regular basis and don't spend all the time confined alone. It's also bliss in terms of my increasing realization that I am a very picky person and can be a messy slob yet neat and clean in some ways... I am a loner and just don't know if I have the patience to live with other people again, as the kinds of who's-buying-the-toilet-paper-next or who-drank-my-milk or won't-pay-the-bills scenarios really get to me. However, probably in spring when my lease is up I will need to start sharing again, and get over the uptightness, due to aforesaid money issues.

I should add that I am an only child, but moved out of my mom's house and began sharing with (a wide variety of) strangers from the age of 15 to 24. I've made dear friends this way, and also had hellish flatmate experiences, but think I may have grown out of my ability to adapt to roommate quirks even as I become more and more fixed in my own.

I was interested to read the Mark C/Caitlin exchange upthread. I am tipsy so shall stop rambling now.

― sgs, Friday, 5 December 2003 00:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Also, living with an S.O. is an entirely different issue to my mind than flatmates--it can work/not work for very different reasons.

Having said that vaguely, I shall wait for someone else to be more articulate.

― sgs, Friday, 5 December 2003 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Hellllllll no. I'm too selfish and private. I talk to myself and walk around naked too often. The only time I've ever had a good time sharing was when I was nineteen and had total control of a brand new luxury 2br penthouse (my parents had just bought it and decided to let me live in it for exactly one year). The doomy fact that I could kick my roommate out of this palace whenever I wanted to kept her from even thinking about pissing me off. Good times while they lasted.

― Dancing Queen, Friday, 5 December 2003 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

ten months pass...

I have been living flatmateless for weeks now, and it's awful. Annoying as it was living with flatmates, I really don't like living on my own (and I can't really afford to long-term). I have advertised, but it's really difficult to find anyone suitable. It's a small flat, so I don't want anyone to move in who I can't get on with easily and have to hide from. A potential flatmate came round today, but he was so shy and awkward, it was awful. I have now had six people come to look round, four I decided I couldn't live with and two who decided they didn't want it.
I don't know whether to rent the room to someone who I might not get on really well with but who would at least be someone to help pay bills and make the house feel less empty, or carry on living alone until I find someone I really like who can move in. Advice?

(oh, and if by any chance anyone knows anyone wanting a room in Glasgow, email me)

― Cathy (Cathy), Wednesday, 27 October 2004 12:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, you'll presumably be subletting to any potential flatmate, so you could state that you'll give them a month's notice if they cheese you off? However, it's more hassle, so I guess waiting for someone you know you'll get on with is a good idea if you can afford it for a month or so.

Moving in with the chap on Saturday, which is a bit nervewracking as I've not lived with a partner before. I am looking forward to it immenseley though, as the opportunity to have our own space will be great. Also, I'm tired of flatmates I can't snog (and one of my current ones is a complete mentalist).

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 27 October 2004 12:57 (twenty-one years ago)

It's not a sublet, they'd be a joint tenant, so I could well be stuck with them if they are awful. Also, I am a bit worried to let it go to long without finding someone because I really need to get a student for council tax avoidance purposes, and the further it gets into year the harder it is to find students who haven't found anywhere to live yet.

Good luck with the move.

― Cathy (Cathy), Wednesday, 27 October 2004 13:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Damned joint tenancy. Can you/have you pepper(ed) nice student noticeboards with yr details bigging up the flat?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Wednesday, 27 October 2004 13:49 (twenty-one years ago)

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