Ask Ally

People keep telling me that I'm turning into Horace. Is it the snarky asides? Is it some crazy Canadian thing, possibly the water? Does it have something to do with the fact that we're both fictional characters?

Signed,
Confused

You're the man now dog.

My son has enormous testicles. Is it true this is called elephantitis?

I have some body armour you can borrow if you think you might be needing it imminently.

Me too! It should have it's own section on FT, imo.

In Vegas I made the mistake of telling my "friends" I had an "accident." The girl giving me a lap dance was grinding too hard and I blew my load. Within minutes the nicknames started: Sticky Pants, Pocket Paste, et cetera. I took my medicine for three days in Vegas and thought that would be the end of it. Then before I walked in the door at home my brother was calling me Sticky Pants. Now my boss and coworkers are calling me SP.

The problem I have is that one of my so-called friends is out to ruin me. He had Sticky Pants business cards printed up with my name on them and is passing them out. I'm getting married next month. What are the odds the wife-to-be will learn about SP before I die? Do I tell her the truth now? Or should I kill ALL of my so-called friends? The pricks think it's funny that they are going to ruin my life.

Sticky Pants

How much wanking is too much wanking? Can i do it...uhm, i mean, can SOMEONE do it until THEY need glasses?

Signed,

Four-Eyed Fapper Slapper

I have a daughter who insists I get a robotic arm despite my objections. She also attends get togethers called FAP's which, according to the TV show 'Quincy', may lead to death. As you can see I have my (human) hands full! Advice?

Robo-dad

thanks, vanilla dys

Does this thread represent the nadir of human culture?

- Strongo

You know I started this thread with nothing but the noblest intentions of seeking the truth. It is the others and not me who have turned it into a mockery. Please don't hate me.

It's the name. Sean and Horace sound a lot alike.

DEAR ALLY: I never thought I would ever write to you, but last night our son -- who is engaged -- came over and told us that his fiancee's parents are upset with us because we didn't pick up the check for a dinner THEY invited us to.
Were we wrong not to offer to pay for the dinner? -- ELOISE IN NEWPORT, R.I.

You should have offered to pay half. However, since they did invite you, I could see the confusion, so you can be spared from being killed off I guess.

Dear Ally: You haven't had us all brutally killed yet? I'm surprised!

Don't worry, the bomb is in the mail.

DEAR ALLY: I am a single mother with two young daughters and a 21-year-old son, "Billy," who dropped out of high school during his senior year. When it happened, I was very upset. I told him if he wanted to continue to live at home, he would have to get a full-time job and pay rent. Billy didn't like that idea, so he went to live with his girlfriend and her parents, who didn't seem to care that he had no job.
About a year ago, Billy's girlfriend broke up with him. Since he had no place to go, I told him he could stay with me temporarily. He has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Billy has only a part-time job. He says that's all he can find. I'm tired of supporting him and I think he should be out on his own by now, but if I kick him out, he'll have nowhere to go. His father is no help. Billy rarely sees him. I'm at my wit's end. Please tell me what I should do. -- FED-UP MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS

This question is too long. Kill yourself for being so fucking wordy.

My son has enormous testicles. Is it true this is called elephantitis?

Why are you looking at your son's testicles? I'm reporting you to the authorities.

Dear Ally,
Please help me. My boyfriend just announced to the world that he's a single mother with several children. I want to make the relationship work, but also I want him to PAY PAY PAY! for telling me so many lies over the years.

Trust me, boyfriends are a dime a dozen. Just look at how many single men are on this board! Err, wait...you know what, you're right to stay with your weird impregnable boyfriend. Forget everything I just said to you about boyfriends being a dime a dozen.

Ally,
How was your lunch break?

Es war nett. Die Sonne ist gescheint und ich bin für Kleider eingekaufen.

Dear Ally,
In Vegas I made the mistake of telling my "friends" I had an "accident." The girl giving me a lap dance was grinding too hard and I blew my load. Within minutes the nicknames started: Sticky Pants, Pocket Paste, et cetera. I took my medicine for three days in Vegas and thought that would be the end of it. Then before I walked in the door at home my brother was calling me Sticky Pants. Now my boss and coworkers are calling me SP.

The problem I have is that one of my so-called friends is out to ruin me. He had Sticky Pants business cards printed up with my name on them and is passing them out. I'm getting married next month. What are the odds the wife-to-be will learn about SP before I die? Do I tell her the truth now? Or should I kill ALL of my so-called friends? The pricks think it's funny that they are going to ruin my life.

I think it's funny too.

How much wanking is too much wanking? Can i do it...uhm, i mean, can SOMEONE do it until THEY need glasses?

Jesus, get a girlfriend/boyfriend already.

I have a daughter who insists I get a robotic arm despite my objections. She also attends get togethers called FAP's which, according to the TV show 'Quincy', may lead to death. As you can see I have my (human) hands full! Advice?

Well, obviously you should get the roboarm, since I'm sure they aren't actually your objections but rather your wife's nonsensical objections. Women! Also, don't worry so much about your daughter. She just dumped every ounce of alcohol she had in her house in the sink and quit drinking. Or so someone told me.

can i stop fucking myself yet¿

Well I think that once you stop enjoying the fucking you should stop having the fucking.

Does this thread represent the nadir of human culture?

Yes, jess, it does. Next time I see you, please be advised I have a boot that I'd like to stick up your ass.

I'm just going to twist this thread into another thread pointing out the existance of this doll:

http://www.silly-monkey.com/global/alley.jpg

That is the Amazing Ally. Read this information about Amazing Ally:

Grownups know that Amazing Ally's adorable façade is there to hide the memory chips, cartridge compartments, and sensors. Without the 40 MB of memory, she's just another doll. But children don't look at her that way. All they know is that Ally is a tea drinkin', in-line skatin', ballet-dancin', perky cheerleadin', A+ student who wants to be their best friend.
She keeps a volume of ready stories behind those painted lips, and remembers your favorite dates, thanks to an internal calendar. She keeps your secrets, like your favorite color or animal. Best of all, she throws tea and slumber parties on a whim, and even brings the goodies. She's an "amazing" pal, with a totally '90s attitude. "Let's have a tea party, grrrlfriend!" "Okay," you reply. Her answer: "Sweeet, Chickadee!" or other animated, Gen-Y gibberish.

Ally is best for girls who aren't big yet, but desperately want to be--any child 5 to 9 years old would totally dig her. (It takes a bit of know-how to change memory cards and press various buttons--and Ally has small, pointed objects in her bag of tricks that could injure or choke toddlers.) Check out the Ethnic Amazing Ally as well.

Perhaps you all should just buy this doll and direct your questions to her? It would be just like having me in your house actually?

WTF, it IS you!

Ally says this all the time!

wot?! THAT's not an answer!

"On tonight's ep of Kate & Ally...."

Are you guys lesbians though? I mean, the rainbows are kind of out of control...

Ask Alex in NYC!

What Matos wants, Matos gets.

OMG WE SHULD TOTALLY HAVE LESBIIN SeXor WHILE NA AN TOMBOT R BEING DORKS ABOT COMPUTR PROGRAMS FOR MUSIK??? THAT WILL SHOW THEM LOL LOL LOL

http://image.allmusic.com/00/amg/cov200/drf800/f872/f87283n0jlc.jpg

well, they WERE, at any rate.

Jess : Horace :: Ally : Lesbian.

Right?

YOur pal

Hellt.p.

What type of science are we talking about? I mean, in general I think "Word is bond" seems like a good thing to say at any point in time, but say you're at a geology convention? Then you should probably end everything you say with "One love my niggaz and bitches"? That's what I'd do but also keep in mind I failed geology.

Ally, it's 10:30 pm on Halloween! Shouldn't you be out whuppin' it up and causin' mischief right now?

I was heading out the door as I posted that! I logged online to check the address of a party we were going to. Trust me, we whupped it up and caused mischief. Actually we whupped it up and caused way more mischief the following evening but lets not discuss why I have a stolen framed photo of Ray Romano holding a bear right now.

Tad, are you ever gonna ask your question?