Who would win a fight between a horse and a monkey?

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To carry on a conversation from Saturday night.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I am ov the opinion that a horse would win, because they're bigger and harder. However, a monkey would be able to jump around loads a would be tricky to hit, so maybe it's a question of endurance.

However, my money is on the horse.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I find myself mildly curious as to what sort of conversation would lead to such a question.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:08 (twenty-one years ago)

what a stupid question. horse, without doubt.

― ryan (ryan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:09 (twenty-one years ago)

The counter-argument was that a monkey, with opposable thumbs would jump on the horses back and stab it with a stick.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I have NO idea why it came about - that is lost in the haze of a smokey Oxford pub. All that's left is the argument sans resolution.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:11 (twenty-one years ago)

But how about this monkey?
http://www.primate.or.kr/gallery/funny/Monkey%20W_Lips%20Out_Wearing%20Jockey%20Hat.jpg

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:15 (twenty-one years ago)

If the monkey had a baseball bat...

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:16 (twenty-one years ago)

HORSE

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:17 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.arches.uga.edu/~kevnwill/monkeywithgun.jpg

...Bring it on...

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:19 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1064082932031_2003/09/22/23soccer.jpg

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:20 (twenty-one years ago)

For god's sake, please let it be the horse...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Pah! Monkey.

The horse wouldn't even understand that there was a fight in the first place. Its strategy would be entirely defensive. The horse would neigh, and plunge, and maybe rear up, and then perhaps canter or trot around, or attempt to kick the canny monkey.

The monkey? Ah, well. The monkey would retreat to a tree or a nearby fence and throw rocks. Big ones, small ones, sharp ones. This would continue for days or weeks if necessary, until the horse, wounded, weakened, despairing of its life, would collapse on its front legs, and die in the hot heat of the midday sun.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, but the horse could...

argh wtf am i doing?

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I mean this is bonkers!!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:25 (twenty-one years ago)

This is important. not bonkers. my friend thinks monkey. ridiculous!

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:26 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.primate.or.kr/gallery/funny/Monkey%20Holding%20A%20Baseball%20Bat.jpg

I said.."Bring it on.."

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Nonsense. It's a scientific question that has an answer.

Prithee explain how a horse could possibly win such an ill matched encounter? Explain the flaws in my reasoning, because it looks pretty solid to me.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:27 (twenty-one years ago)

We are assuming here that both the monkey and the horse are filled with bloodlust - hence the argument that the horse is unaware of the battle is rather moot.

Pashmina - don't fight it - join us!

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah well, the horse has MIGHTY KICKING HOOVES, right? It could boot the monkey so hard, that its pitiful corpse wd be found horseshoe-shaped indentations and all, 1/2 a mile away. Plus, the horse could run faster, so if it looked like it was going the monkey's way, it could run away.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:33 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.atlantaantiquegallery.com/images/cat/NetsukeHorseMonkey268258081.jpg

...just before the eye-gouging begins...

― winterland, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

the monkey could bring the horse down AT-AT style is my thinking. but one false move and that's one trampled monkey. really though it depends on who the monkey and the horse are as people, their characteristics. are they fighters or lovers?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:34 (twenty-one years ago)

http://home1.gte.net/res0yiyy/mojo.jpg
"So Mistur Horse, how you like slap in face with slimy fish?"

http://www.angelfire.com/wi/RenStimpy2000/images/ren2mrhorse.gif
"No Sir I didn't like it!"

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:36 (twenty-one years ago)

The monkey could scratch the horse's eyes out though, and a blind horse, though enraged, would be no match for a stealthy monkey.

This debate is nowhere near as mentalist as Dinosaurs vs King Arthur* FITE!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:37 (twenty-one years ago)

If I was horse, though, I'd spank the monkey...

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:38 (twenty-one years ago)

The horse doesn't get near the horse, even if she is aware of the set and setting. The monkey, suing its superior brain power, is up a tree, or on a fence, chattering and throwing rocks. I think the matter is settled at this point. The monkey is triumphant.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:43 (twenty-one years ago)

chattering and throwing rocks from a tree is no way to win a fight, and i should know

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:45 (twenty-one years ago)

what sort of horse & monkey, anyway? Like if iit was a chimpanzee vs a carthorse, the outcome wd be different to that if it were a racehorse....

oh for fuck's sake.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, but what kind of racehorse? Because a National Hunt horse would be a lot more powerful than a sprinter.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

stevem: maybe so, but in this case we are trying to kill a horse, not win a woman.

Pashmina: any monkey beats any horse. Unless the racehorse uses its speed to run away, in which case it's a draw.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Gorilla vs Shetland Pony

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:49 (twenty-one years ago)

ruud van nistorooy vs martin keown

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:49 (twenty-one years ago)

This is ridiculous. None of you are taking this seriously.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Look at the statistics. More people die every year because of horses than because of monkeys. Ergo, horses are more dangerous.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Ken I've already got to that one...

Someone needs to post that pic from the Guardian site with Van Nistelrooy and Keown as horse/monkey that was posted on ILE a while back. I can't find it.

Where can I find a horse and a monkey in time for Thursday's FAP?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:52 (twenty-one years ago)

The monkey uses its superior brainpower to siphon off or block the horse's water supply.

It's too easy.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

That's not a fight, that's subtle premeditated murder. You might as well say the monkey could give cyanide to the horse.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Hang on? Who said we were using Marquis of Queensbury rules? What, you think the horse and monkey should bow to each other and then the monkey should slap the horse's cheek with a glove? Jesus wept.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 08:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, but a fight differs from a seige in many subtle ways. Of course a monkey would win a seige, but that's not the question.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:01 (twenty-one years ago)

In the wild one generally finds horses and monkeys living together in groups. Which one has the most mates who could back them up? THIS COULD BE AN IMPORTANT FACTOR

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:02 (twenty-one years ago)

oh haha sorry matt - i didn't see the pic! Anyways...

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Pix/gallery/2003/10/03/thirteen.gif

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Football/Pix/gallery/2003/10/03/five.gif

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:03 (twenty-one years ago)

Wait, Pash, bring social factors into the equation and the monkey rocks the primal scene. That won't help the horse.

Johnney, what ground rules are being proposed? I mean, all's fair in love and war surely?

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Monkeys are best in teams but we are talking solo here. I think a horse would have the best bet at home in an open field there's no trees for the monkey to climb so the horse can use his speed and kicking advantage to full effect. It would be a long drawn out fight but I think a horse would prevail in the home match.

Away is a different matter, here the monkey is in his element. Pelting the horse with anything he can get his hands on from height is his only real strategy but it's effective. I'd say the fight would be long and bloody but with little for the horse to do other than kick the monkeys tree hoping to dislodge his simian adversary whilst dodging missiles.

Over 2 legs home and away overall outcome is a draw.

Decider:

CAGE MATCH.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:05 (twenty-one years ago)

i thought cage match would have been the monkey's home match

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:07 (twenty-one years ago)

With the monkey on the roof of the cage, harrying the horse from above with claws and teeth? PUH-LEEEEEZE.

― the music mole (colin s barrow), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Hang on are we talking captive/domestic animals or wild animals?

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Which side is Frankie Dettori on here?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

replace the horse with Mick Hucknall and this is a c*lum thread

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah I think a monkey would have a definite agility advantage in a caged match but all it takes is one slip or misjudgement and the horse comes in with the killer blow.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

but in a cage match all you have to do is get out of the cage... or are we talking hell in a cell??

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 09:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Skipping 58 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

flaming toasts! (a toaster in our uni did that - set toasts actually on fire before spitting them out!!)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:09 (twenty-one years ago)

It could probably balance spinning plates too. I'd like to see a horse attempt that.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 15:10 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw a thing on tv where a gang of apes ripped off another ape's testicles.

― kirsten (kirsten), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Uh, sorry kirsten, that was Golden Girls.

― Skottie, Tuesday, 30 March 2004 17:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Picture this, the Belgian Congo, 1963...

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 30 March 2004 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:15 (twenty-one years ago)

also: im' drunk

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, the Q&A session is the best part of sex, no doubt. It always reminds me of the bit on the Carol Burnett Show when she'd talk to the audience.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:18 (twenty-one years ago)

actually the orgasm part was a little better, to be honest.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't argue with that.

(It's not until just now that I realized you probably mean "monstrous manual" in the D&D sense. That's reeeeeally geeky :))

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:23 (twenty-one years ago)

geek love! yes.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:27 (twenty-one years ago)

also he said monkey but he would.

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:28 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.supermanhomepage.com/images/characters/superpets/Beppo-tb.JPG

Of course monkey wins!

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:31 (twenty-one years ago)

BABOON

medium animal
hit dice: 1d8+1
AC 13
attack: 1d6+3

LIGHT HORSE

hit dice: 3d8+6
AC 13
attack: 1d4+1

― teeny (teeny), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Hit points mean nothing when there's a wand of fireballs in the room and only one critter that can pick it up.

― Tep (ktepi), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 00:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Does D&D make allowances for savanna/jungle/hell in a cell combats?

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 06:56 (twenty-one years ago)

okay so I had sex with mr teeny and then later asked him this (not on purpose, it's just the way it turned out) and he said he would get out his monstrous manual and we would settle this BY SCIENCE later.
Well, sure, expose your biases, Teeny!
http://www.szilagyi.us/images/Simpsons/MrTeeny.jpg

― Prude (Prude), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:01 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.equerry.com/pics/fun-face-red-72.gif

Spellcasting...

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:04 (twenty-one years ago)

haha if it had been BEFORE the sex, getting his MONSTROUS MANUAL out could have meant something entirely different.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:08 (twenty-one years ago)

nudge nudge...

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:12 (twenty-one years ago)

New euphamism ="The horse is fighting the monkey"

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Wednesday, 31 March 2004 08:14 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

revive! I don't see how a monkey, even a strong monkey, could ever win. People have focussed on the monkey being able to outwit the horse by means of some trick whereby it can blind the horse, poke its eye or whatever. For the monkey has no chance on the ground as the horse can outrun it and indeed kick it to death. Assuming there is a vantage point from which the monkey can attack, once the monkey is on the horse's back or head the horse can easily shake it off (strength advantage) and then the monkey's back on the floor and can be trampled.

The banana skin doesn't work for 4 legged animals...I suppose if there were multiple banana skins the horse might fall over but even a horse on the ground would still be able to kick the monkey.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 9 May 2004 07:21 (twenty-one years ago)

three months pass...

for one thing Mark, horses are spooked by a breeze, let alone a terrifying monkey. The horse may bolt, but it would not get a chance to kick the monkey. The monkey is scared too, but also a screaming, terrifying FREAK, keeping its distance, hiding out in the trees, and THROWING ROCKS. What answer has Mr Ed to that? He can only do the bolt and escape, or sort of canter around, plunging his bleeding head and frothing at the mouth, until monkey freak bruises him so much he collapses. Then monkey approaches cautiously, shying away and screaming, but gradually gaining in confidence... and crushes horse's head AGAIN and AGAIN with coconut.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 10:52 (twenty-one years ago)

you can't crush a horse's head with a coconut!

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Alright then, a rock. A heavy rock. Or a sharpp rock. Many times, does the monkey strike. A thousand, say, in the blistering heat of the afternoon. The horse is dead, Mr Hester.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:05 (twenty-one years ago)

why do ppl usuallly wear hard hats when riding horses? Because the danger of being thrown from the horse is ever-present and real! Monkeys weigh less than people. Being lighter they can be thrown from the back of a horse more easily. If the monkey is on the horse's back, the horse has won. If the monkey is on the ground, the horse has won. Equus victor. Game over.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Can monkeys throw BIG ROCKS IRL? I don't think so. You are confusing real life monkeys with Hollywood inventions.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Monkeys can throw medium sized rocks then.

There is no tree? There is no fence? There is no promontory? Just a vast flat expanse with a monkey and a horse in the middle? That is a preposterous scenario, my friend. You are positing a lanscape with the featureless geometry of a cheap videogame! I call bullshit on videogame setting for this hypothetical! Where's the referee?

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Music Mole have you lost it completely? There are plenty of environments in the real world which are completely devoid of trees, fences and promontories. The Sahara, the Siberian tundra, even some pasrts of the Scottish highlands.

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

The Sahara - horse cannot even walk in sand! Monkey hides on dune and throws sand. If there are trees and rocks, so much the better.

Siberian tundra - monkey throws snowballs and hides out on outcrops!

Scottish highlands - trees, rocks, hills!!

This farce must end, Mark: you are flogging a dead horse. The matter has been settled. In all locales, the monkey reigns supreme.

― music mole, Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Horses cannot walk on sand, yeah right! Like a horse's hoof is SO different from that of its close relative the donkey. Or do I somehow suffer severe delusions every time I go to the seaside and see kids riding donkeys on the beach?

― MarkH (MarkH), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Why wouldnt the horse just ... well, run off?

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 29 August 2004 11:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Because he ain't afraid of no stinkin' Monkey!

― Craig Gilchrist, Sunday, 29 August 2004 14:46 (twenty-one years ago)

I posit the theory that perhaps this horse has (at some prior time) been forced to view the film M.V.P. (Most Valuable Primate). The horse will hence, have none but bloody murderous intent toward the monkey.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 29 August 2004 14:59 (twenty-one years ago)

All monkey films are classic. The monkey would use his film earnings to buy a hammer and easily win. (I think a monkey would win anyway.)

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I read that as 'earrings' and became momentarily confused.

― C J (C J), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Hey I never said it was the same monkey - I guess that makes the horse a bigot though.

― Kim (Kim), Sunday, 29 August 2004 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...

it would totally be the horse.

― AaronK (AaronK), Thursday, 14 April 2005 14:06 (twenty years ago)

what kind of monkey? an ape, like a gorilla, vs. a horse might be something. just a monkey though, and i stand by my original opinion that it is obviously the horse. unless the monkey could annoy the horse to death.

― ryan (ryan), Thursday, 14 April 2005 15:51 (twenty years ago)

http://www.alonapalmbeach.com/images/monkey_o.jpg

http://www.irtc.org/ftp/pub/stills/1999-06-30/dmvoyage.jpg

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 14 April 2005 15:56 (twenty years ago)

one month passes...

New match

Midgets Verus Lion

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 10:55 (twenty years ago)

Dick Butkus!

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 25 May 2005 12:35 (twenty years ago)

one year passes...

lol @ midgets

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Monday, 11 September 2006 02:13 (nineteen years ago)

Did we ever reach a consensus? Should we take a vote?

― rattusnorvegicus (ratty!!), Monday, 11 September 2006 02:23 (nineteen years ago)

seven months pass...

shall we do a poll?

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 13:17 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.world-cup-blog.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/graham%20poll.jpg

― Frogman Henry, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 13:59 (eighteen years ago)

a horse would win of course. slap his penis a few times against the dog and *boing* dead (as a) dog.

― nathalie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:08 (eighteen years ago)

wait, when did the dog get involved?

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:37 (eighteen years ago)

When the monkey was clever enough to run off. duh!

― nathalie, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 14:56 (eighteen years ago)

I don't know who would win, but I'm prepared to put real money into training up a monkey to leap out at horses and start fights with them. Maybe Colin could train them for me. He's got some good ideas on this thread.

― accentmonkey, Wednesday, 11 April 2007 15:21 (eighteen years ago)

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