Do you fold or do you scrunch? A Bum-Wiping Survey

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When wiping your bum, do you fold the toilet paper or do you scrunch it into a kind of ball-shape?

I once knew somebody who had a theory that one category of people folds, and another category of people scrunches (with some exceptions). Ilx seems like an ideal way to find out if this is true or not. I'll say what the 2 categories are tomorrow, or it may become evident from your answers to the question.

I scrunch.

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:32 (twenty-one years ago)

scrunch

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Scrunch. But if I'm out of TP and resort to the paper towels, I gots to fold.

― Evanston Wade (EWW), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:44 (twenty-one years ago)

I use a smooth stone.

― ¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿ (ex , Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:45 (twenty-one years ago)

bidet.

― martin m. (mushrush), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

I use a prehistoric animal, like in the Flinstones.
"Eh, it's a living" he says to no-one in particular after
I've smeared him in shit.

― ..., Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:52 (twenty-one years ago)

My lavatory habits are not constrained by such a restrictive binary.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

i fold

― todd swiss (eliti), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Do people scrunch??

― adam king (mangA Kid), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I scrold.

― adam king (mangA Kid), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I funch

― omg, Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought for sure this would be a ken c thread.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

My valet folds

― Dadaismus (Dada), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I could have sworn that this had been discussed before, but I only found a mention of it at the end of thisToilet Paper thread.

― JuliaA (j_bdules), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

"Wipe"?

― teh dirty hippy asks... (nickalicious), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

Ben Folds

― Dadaismus (Dada), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

scruntch. only anal people fold.

― Vermont Girl (Vermont Girl), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

There would seem to be few occasions when being anal could be any more appropriate

― Dadaismus (Dada), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

i didnt know there was any sort of variation. I fold. and i go from front to back. next you'll be telling me that people stick their hand between their legs and wipe from back to front!

― AaronK (AaronK), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I didn't even know some people scrunch. I'm a folder, without a doubt. I also pee sitting down, I find more comfortable. What does this tell of me??!!

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:13 (twenty-one years ago)

"find it"

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:13 (twenty-one years ago)

next you'll be telling me that people wipe their asses with hair scrunchies

xp i pee sitting down when i get up in the middle of the night; otherwise i'm sure to groggily make a mess

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I import pre-scrunched banana leaves from the darkest jungles

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:15 (twenty-one years ago)

FOLD!

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Used to scrunch, lately I fold. Might go back to scrunching someday. I'm flexible like that.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:12 (twenty-one years ago)

FOLD.

(I envy martin his bidet. I also wish I had one of those Japanese water-squirter toilets.)

― Leeefuse 73 (Leee), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't really have a bidet. I was just suggesting it as another option to debunk the false dichotomy that is "fold or scrunch."

I would also like to posit that folding uses less toilet paper than scrunching. Thus, many people who scrunch at work where paper is free may very well fold at home where they pay for it. Also, people with weak toilets at home often learn to fold to avoid the common scrunch-clog effect.

― martin m. (mushrush), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Fold now, used to scrunch when I was a wee lad.

― Ian c=====8 (orion), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

I just let a trio of pomeranians lick me clean.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:43 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, people with weak toilets at home often learn to fold to avoid the common scrunch-clog effect.

This is true. I live in a cabin with low water pressure. (No electricity either).

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 20:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Weirdly this is a US v UK tissue issue. Yanks scrunch, Brits fold. When US loo roll Charmin was introduced to UK stores, they had to change the, er, blend, because, when folded by locals, it had a nasty tendency to block the bend of British bogs, something the manufacturer had never previously considered. No shit.

― snotty moore, Tuesday, 29 June 2004 21:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Brits fold.

I always considered myself an anglophile, but I didn't think my tendencies extended that far (down).

― Leeefuse 73 (Leee), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 21:20 (twenty-one years ago)

I just let a trio of pomeranians lick me clean.

You need three?

― Michael White (Hereward), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 21:22 (twenty-one years ago)

Weirdly this is a US v UK tissue issue. Yanks scrunch, Brits fold

What are you talking about? I fold, and I'm from Tennessee.

Charmin blocks up toilets cause it's like 7-ply paper and each ply is half an inch thick. The only reason American commodes can get it down is cause so many of them use 15 gallons at 300 PSI to flush.

― martin m. (mushrush), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 21:56 (twenty-one years ago)

It's funny, TP is one of only two consumer products I'm seriously brand-loyal about. (Northern for me, thanks.) Mayonnaise (Hellmann's/Best Foods) is the other.

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 23:22 (twenty-one years ago)

this reminds me of a joke:

"Which hand do you usually wipe with?"
"Err...my right"
"Huh. That's funny. I use toilet paper."

In desperate times I've used socks and underwear, used leaves twice. I usually scrunch though. and I HATE two-ply or any ply more than one.

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Tuesday, 29 June 2004 23:56 (twenty-one years ago)

use a smooth rock over TP if you're outside.... trust me

― ¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿¥¤±²£¢Ð¼æ®ª«¶Þ÷³¹ß½Ø×©§¾¿ (ex , Tuesday, 29 June 2004 23:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I blame sodomy!

oops wrong thread...

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 00:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Sometimes I fold. Sometimes I scruch. Depends on the erm, viscosity of my crap.

― Michael B, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

like many before me i didn't even know that people scrunched - insanity.

― jed_ (jed), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:17 (twenty-one years ago)

But if you scrunch, there's more volume than if you fold, so less chance of your hand touching something it doesn't want to touch!

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:31 (twenty-one years ago)

what's wrong with wiping from back to front?

i've always got the impression* that many, or perhaps most, people don't wipe properly. as well as wiping back to front you should run the first few bits under a tap before applying and then finish off with some dry bits. and never finish until there's absolutely no crap left after the last wipe.

*this impression is based on the number of jokes told about skid marks or dirty underwear. Once you've got beyond about twelve years old there shouldn't be any reason for you to ever have dirty underwear. am i mistaken, or do people really walk around with shit marks on their underpants or knickers. is it really considered acceptable to take your underwear off at the end of the day and for there to be a noticeable crap stain on them?

― asswiper, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:32 (twenty-one years ago)

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU 'SCRUNCH' WHEN WIPING YOUR ARSE? YOU YANKS DISGUST ME AGAIN.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:34 (twenty-one years ago)

It's not good for ladies to wipe back to front, because you drag all kinds of bacteria and yuck across your girl bits and get ver frush.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Geez... I've never had problems with folding. Back to front seems to work fine for me too. If the paper sheets (or "shit-tickets", as I call them) are of average or poor quality, then this will require a fold of 3 layers (two folds). The paper I buy here in the UK is quite thick, so only 2 layers are necessary (1 fold).

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:39 (twenty-one years ago)

back to front? nothing like smearing a little shit on yer choad.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, I can't see any point why back to front would be any better than front to back.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:46 (twenty-one years ago)

have you ever seen a girl with a shit streak in the small of her back....its gorgeous.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:47 (twenty-one years ago)

"back to front?"

obviously you stop before reaching your genitals. clean up anything between the arsehole and the genitals by wiping that part separately with a circular motion.

― asswiper, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:49 (twenty-one years ago)

hold on... we're talking about 'back to front' being wiping from the 'top' of the ass towards the family jewels, right? how the hell can you wipe the other way, i.e. away from you towards the small of your back?? that's more like 'pushing' the paper than wiping...

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Disgusting.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:51 (twenty-one years ago)

what is you slip wiping back to front and punch yerself in the nards.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

You don't do it through the legs, but round the side. I cannot believe I'm getting involved in this discussion.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

By round the side, I mean twisting round sideways and... never mind.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I've always thought Madchen was a very attractive female ILXOR and now she is TALKING ABOUT WIPING HER ASS and all is ruined.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Ladies do not make poo.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:55 (twenty-one years ago)

And Americans don't know HOW TO GET RID OF IT, DUDE WTF.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:56 (twenty-one years ago)

my roomate in college used to wipe his arse standing up. no wonder he always had an itchy ass about 45 minutes later.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Ladies make poo, but it smells like roses.

(xpost) How do you wipe your arse sitting down? wtf?

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:58 (twenty-one years ago)

i assume by 'sitting' we mean leaning forward and to the side, to allow for 'reach around' wiping. standing or reaching between the legs must be for crazy people or hobos or something.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Personally I like to SHOVE THE CARDBOARD ROLL up my ass just before I shit and HEY PRESTO the shit STAYS ON THE ROLL, MAN, and you don't even need to wipe but if I did I'd do it with a DAMP SPONGE and then rub it ALL OVER my KNACKERS yes yes WHAT WHAT THAT HELEN KELLER FUCKING MAGIC, COULDN'T SEE OR HEAR OR SPEAK BUT STILL MANAGED TO GIVE BIRTH TO A DUCK.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you wipe it standing up!?

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 12:00 (twenty-one years ago)

nick rules

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 12:00 (twenty-one years ago)

I JUST SHIT IN THE BATH, MAN, PROBLEM SOLVED. WHERE'S MY RUBBER DUCKY?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 12:02 (twenty-one years ago)

The theory was that men are usually folders and women are usually scrunchers. The first part of this theory seems to be being confirmed by the answers so far.(I think male folders are outnumbering male scrunchers by about 2 to 1 on this thread). The second part of the theory is at yet unproved due to the lack of answers from female Ilxors. But I need MORE DATA from male Ilxors too.

We can get to the bottom of this.

― Joe Kay (feethurt), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

Female posters may learn from my idiocy and not post for fear of No Longer Being Attractive.

― Madchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

You disgust me so called female.

― adam king (mangA Kid), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

(Madchen I wz only joking; u r lovely even if u poo.)

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Did I phrase that right?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:22 (twenty-one years ago)

scrunch

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Pervert.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:29 (twenty-one years ago)

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that an emoticon of your scrunched-clean ass?!

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:33 (twenty-one years ago)

No, this is:
( | )

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

That was supposed to have "SPIC 'N' SPAN" right beside it but HTML screwed it up

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Nice ass.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 30 June 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

hey, I googled "proper ass wiping technique" and got this:

Dear Newmoanyeah:

What's the best way to wipe your ass? Lean to one side and go in? And for men with hairy asses, wiping is so much more complicated. I mean, we were taught from such an early age as how to wipe! Who can remember that long ago! We need a re-teach into the art of ass-wiping!

Sincerely,
Harry P. Starfish
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]

Dear Harry:

To wipe without maternal assistance: lean to your preference and--with a front to back motion--use one thorough wipe per swab of toilet paper. Sing refrain of latest radio love song or rap sensation (children under eight [8] may swing feet) until desired cleanliness of excretion zone is achieved.

If you possess a full ass of hair: lather with shampoo, rinse, and repeat (if necessary).

If irritation ensues, discontinue wiping and see physician.

Do not wipe if you have heart problems, epilepsy, or did not poop in the first place.

Manolo Moreno, A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer

Dear Harry:

The best way to wipe is to simply not. I allude, of course, to the use of a bidet, pronounced bi-DAY. Many people mistake this bathroom fixture for a drinking fountain. Perhaps some have even used it as such. For those of you recognizing yourselves in this category, I highly recommend not sharing your error with others.

The bidet is ideal. Let's face it- hairy asses stand no chance with flimsy toilet paper. I imagine it is something akin to getting waterproof mascara off one's eyelashes, and we all know you need a lot more than tissue for that! A bidet also solves the problem of not refilling the toilet paper, a situation in which I'm sure we have all found ourselves. With a bidet, one need note question the efficacy of flushing Kleenex or using guest hand towels.

Lastly, women especially will enjoy a bidet. You just will. Trust me.

Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer

Dear Harry:

The best way to wipe your ass is top secret. So far, we know it involves three shells. But Officer Lenina Huxley wouldn't disclose any more information. If only Officer John Spartan had been a little more inquisitive we could of all been in the know!

Damn him.

Kenny Hamshaw, Caucassianal Staff Writer

Dear Harry:

I don't think it's so much in your technique but in the toilet paper products you use. That thin stuff you find in most public restrooms and where you work just doesn't have what it takes. You need to use the whole roll to do a good job and not leave any "tracks."

A good toilet paper is the key to making sure you do a good job and to not have to take care of it again later. I would even go so far as to recommend to some people that they go get baby-wipes.

Hey I swear by them and so do millions of moms when it comes to wiping babies' butts! So why not use them on grown-ups? One of the best inventions of the 20th century in my opinion.

Jennifer Saylor, Comic Conventional S

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Thursday, 1 July 2004 01:14 (twenty-one years ago)

I can't believe some of the things I'm hearing here. Wiping SITTING DOWN?? For fucks' sake, BACK TO FRONT???????????????

You're all nuts. And some of you are nuts and have feces on your gooch.

If I ever had a lot of money, I'd buy a bidet. I do think they're, on the whole, more sanitary and hygenic.

That said, anyone who doesn't while wipe standing up using a front to back motion is WRONG.

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Thursday, 1 July 2004 01:58 (twenty-one years ago)

standing up???!??

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 1 July 2004 04:31 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread is giving me flashbacks of every forum in the history of the computers ever.

― The Ghost at Number Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 1 July 2004 04:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Vive le bidet! My ex's (French) ass was always so fresh. So was mine then. Good Times (except for her criminally sociopathic violent tendancies.)

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 1 July 2004 04:37 (twenty-one years ago)

four years pass...

why do americans never want to bidet?

― velko, Monday, 20 October 2008 04:36 (seventeen years ago)

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, June 30, 2004 12:59 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark

― Roasted Ghost (Bimble Is Still More Goth Than You), Monday, 20 October 2008 05:12 (seventeen years ago)

Vive le bidet! My ex's (French) ass was always so fresh. So was mine then. Good Times (except for her criminally sociopathic violent tendancies.)

― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, July 1, 2004 12:37 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

i can't imagine a scrunch working

― Surmounter, Monday, 20 October 2008 05:43 (seventeen years ago)

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