Disappointment

I've been disappointed by a lot of things but nothing so long-term or serious that it seems worth remembering.

Also disappointed by Radiohead wuvvers who Should Kno Better! Heh. ALSO! the fact that despite singing the Rex the Runt theme tune in my head all morning that it's not still the weekend but I am at WURK curses.

Oh, and disappointment last week that my girlfriend was too ill to come to the cinema with me to see my favourite film EVAH.

I haven't really got much to complain about.

My biggest disappointment lately would have to be extremely poor treatment at work.

I'm easily disappointed. I think because I get very optimistic about things.

Go there, and it won't TELL you who it is until you try to guess. Ventured a guess, and it fired off an email TELLING him that *I* had a crush on *him*. Oh, the embarrassment.

And a little while ago, another friend just wrote and fessed up to it, saying that she'd been just trying to send me a link to the site cause she thought it was funny.

Alas! Alack! The disappointment. And here I was hoping that someone had a crush on me. Just another false alarm... I'm going back to bed for a week.

Wait, I'm putting this on my coworkers thread, hang on.

Mr. Chopped Liver your thread made me pissed off this morning so I'm ignoring you right now!!! BURN!

I'm tired of being disappointed by people I care about and also, by myself. It's the fucking worst feeling esp with others when you keep hoping they're not going to let you down again but yet they do. Right now I have a couple people doing this to me and it's awful. Mostly I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get to me but for other reasons as well. Pretty much hate most ppl right now tbh and don't trust anyone. ugh.

:/

<3

i think the best way to handle this (talking about the people who really matter to you) is to be very upfront and tell them what they did that let you down and let them know you will no longer tolerate it.

this is my new "get tough" attitude

get tough velko!

Erica, that is so shitty.

Eh, I'm OK just feeling p fed up I guess. I think Velko's no BS policy is probably the best in re to both others and myself but unfortunately I'm not sure I'm that tough. Maybe I should try it though - can't hurt.

just act really unreasonable and don't tell them what's going on, i think they'll get it

if people don't know what you expect from them, and that it hurts your feelings when those expectations aren't met, then how are they gonna know to behave any differently?

i was not being serious velko otm

how disappointing.

True true but sometimes ppl either do know or have been told still do disappointing shit anyway, you know? Bah. It's OK. Sometimes ppl just suck even though they might not be doing so intentionally. It just (and I know ppl hate this phrase) is what it is.

l8 90s midget boom irrc

i'm disappointed that Lamp never told me what "impt" meant.

i am petie

i thought it was like the past tense of the verb to "imp" - that it was kinda like "trolled"

it may be short for impotent

ENBB, I am sorry those close to you are disappointing you.

You will need to think through whether you are expecting too much of what are inherently imperfect and fallible humans, or whether the they've crossed a threshhold that exceeds mere ordinary human imperfection and they are acting like cruddy, untrustworthy douchebags.

This is a balancing act. Forgiveness is a necessary commodity in all human intercourse, because we all screw up. Knowing one's own screwups is a bracing tonic in this process.

I say, talk to them about it. How they react to your disappointment will be an illuminating clue about to how to act with them in the future. They may surprise you, or they may disappoint you yet again, but it's worthwhile either way.

I tried to insert a duplicate message - and system wouldn't let me - how disappointing.

Aimless - thank you. That's pretty sound advice imo.

it is. and aimless isn't even an emu! afaik

also don't get confused between being emo and being in england. they are similar but there are key differences.

I think part of the issue is sometmes ppl act like cruddy untrustworthy douchebags even when they truly aren't but I you can only really make allowances for ppl so many times, you know? Bah. Anyway yes, this is good advice and thank you again. Also I will now probably always think of aimless as an emu even though Robyn is probably right that he is not really one.

x-post - Ha! Going home soon. Perhaps the emo will remain in England though somehow doubt that even though it would be nice.

erica i have this feeling about certain people i've been close to as well and i think sometimes you basically have to decide whether you want to have it out with them and risk having a clean break of the relationship if they take it badly or don't change their behavior, or just put up with it, rely on them less, and slowly and quietly become distant. i tend to pick the latter. it's just one of those sad things in life. hope things get better with them but my sympathies if they don't.

I never get disappointed. I don't know why. Maybe I am too jaded to expect better of some people. The only time I get disappointed is in myself, it's probably the way I was raised.

Sometimes I wish I were that way! Maria, I think you're probably right on all those points but it's often tough to make that clean break even when you know that it's probably for the best if that person isn't treating you the way you deserve to be treated. That probably doesn't make any sense but I'm exhausted and sorta delirious rn.

it's often tough to make that clean break even when you know that it's probably for the best if that person isn't treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

this makes perfect sense, E.

yeah it makes perfect sense and is very tough. that's why i tend to just leave things half broken. good luck....

If you
a. anticipate a possible problem that someone else might cause you, and
b. know of an easy precaution you can take to prevent the problem, but
c. don't take that precaution, then
d. are you partially to blame for your own problem?

I think that has implications for victim-blaming territory and also poor boundary-having, so I have to say: No.

if it is something you realize that you do on a regular basis, then kinda, yeah?

Nope. You can take it with a grain of "SHIT I KNEW I should've done that thing" if you want to and if that helps for next time, but you are not to blame, cosmically. Otherwise everyone would be responsible for not stopping people from doing bad things, or making poor choices, because you could have done something to stop them or change their minds.

The basic question fascinates me endlessly.

I'm thinking less of stopping people from doing bad things and more of taking precautions so their bad things don't have a detrimental effect on you (the precaution-taker).

i think it depends on the "bad things" and whether your expectations are reasonable.

Not stopping the drunk from driving, but refusing to get in the car with them. If you do get in the car with them, and wake up the next day in the hospital, are you partially to blame for your injuries even though you weren't driving? I think in that case, the answer is "yes, obviously."

I think it's not about a definitive yes or no answer but rather what works for you? If saying "yes" makes you calmer in dealing with some damages, and helps you shoulder the responsibility for taking precautions next time so that overall you are MORE protected in the future, then use the Yes answer is a tool to motivate that.

But if you're consumed by guilt or someone is being blamed for damages resulting from a chance event or another person's decision to do harm (in whatever way), I mean if a person has really suffered from the problem once or more times and is psychologically unable to stop blaming themselves in a harmful way, then for god's sake, No.

I think I'm approaching the thought experiment from a different angle than you are, Laurel. Will ponder further.

Okay! Sorry, I guess I don't grok the question. But last year I was blamed for a lot of things that were really someone else's choices, and I kind of blamed myself, too, or let myself feel responsible, and seriously that way lies madness.

But I do believe in the sort of "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" model, generally!

I'm thinking less of ongoing bad situations and more of disparate events, unrelated to past troubles. In each case, it involves seeing a situation and ways that it might go wrong. If I see such a situation, identify the potential problem, identify a precaution, consciously refuse to take that precaution, and get hurt, am I partially to blame?

I mean something as simple as approaching a corner and needing to cross the street; seeing someone down the street approaching weaving, hitting a trash can on the sidewalk, but still coming on. Their light turns red, my traffic signal says "WALK"; do I attempt to cross? If I get hit, they will be "at fault" for failure to yield. Am I partially to blame if they hit me, because I decided not to take precautions against their failure?

as far as protecting yourself is concerned, i think yes

though it's a different thing than 'am i to blame for the incident as a whole'

I still don't think that any moral blame could be considered to accrue to you, in a sitch like that. That you may have been foolish is not the same as being at fault, imo.

xp yeah, what darra said

WmC, dammit are you pregnint agin?

lol, Michael. I'm keeping this one!

Darragh and Laurel, I pretty much agree. I do think that the question has interesting real world implications, though. I try to be as observant as I can -- the more conscious and aware I am of my surroundings, the fewer unpleasant surprises in my life. It might come across as anal-retentive micromanagement, but I'm cool with that perception.

I take a dim view of people whose powers of observation don't extend more than a few feet. (You knew I'd eventually get around to the axe I have to grind in this revive, right?) I think more bad things happen to them than happen to observant people, and I struggle with the idea that they might be at least a little to blame for their own misfortunes, not to mention a lot to blame for the misfortunes they cause for others. A lot of "holy fools" are just asleep on their feet, imo.

obliviousness. It ceases to be charming real quick, huh

Exactly. What percentage of the IA thread is people dealing with obliviousness?

thread made me ia so i became oblivious to updates, tbph.

I'm thinking less of ongoing bad situations and more of disparate events, unrelated to past troubles. In each case, it involves seeing a situation and ways that it might go wrong. If I see such a situation, identify the potential problem, identify a precaution, consciously refuse to take that precaution, and get hurt, am I partially to blame?

This is not a question that can have a single answer. I know that if I leave the house I might get mown down by an insane driver/hit by a bus/raped/murdered. I know that if I stay in the house there might be an electrical fire/I might fall down the stairs/an intruder could come in and kill me. Therefore by your reasoning I would be morally culpable for taking any action at all. The only way I could escape culpability in your formulation is by NOT seeing ways that things could go wrong.

Aha, there it is! Wm, I would guess that you're within yr rights to be exasperated w people who are oblivious all too often? Esp if they want you to empathize or help them out on a regular basis. You might even go so far as to suggest that there's something they're getting out of being that way, and maybe they're not entirely oblivious after all? Might be it's more convenient to them for some reason? But that kind of thing aside, being truly sort of hopeless is a tough spot for a person to be in.

I kind of can't believe I just said that? I must be getting soft.

What does this precaution cost? Not necessarily in money, but in time, effort, or lost opportunity. It would be strange indeed if it cost nothing whatever. As for incurring blame, partial or otherwise, for a problem caused by someone else, that's crazy talk.

You may, if you wish, blame yourself for not acting, if the necessity for the action seemed obvious to you ahead of time, but that is separate from any blame for causing the problem itself.

i wasn't really thinking of it in universal terms -- like being murdered or killed in an electrical fire.

i was thinking of things more along the lines of:

let's say you have a friend that never has any money, and has a habit of not repaying people when they loan him money. Choosing to lend this friend money when you're having to watch every penny -- and not getting paid back, and thus being broke.

emil.y, I'm terrible at rhetoric, but I don't think your conundrum logically follows from my premise. I'm not talking about being paralyzed by chance, where the unforseen could strike us no matter what we do. I'm talking about perceiving a potential but specific problem, and acting or not acting to prevent it. (Obviously that's not all I'm talking about, as I fessed up to being irritated by people who aren't awake and perceptive enough to suit me.)

Maybe. I guess I just do perceive these problems as ever-present and specific. And quite likely to happen. ;_;

I dunno if Emily's point is different than yours, William? Between your case and hers there's a watershed area on one side of which is 'might get screwed in this particular way - should I take precautionary action?' and on your side there's 'probably will get screwed in this particular way – I should take precautionary action.'

xp -- Yeah, I regret that, and I appreciate y'all helping me think out loud on this stuff. I'm trying to do it dry/flat/affectless, without being fraught, knowhaimean?

remy, could be... PONDERING/RECALCULATING

ps, I have NO idea why I picked this thread to revive to mull this stuff over.

My grade 5 teacher, now 70, just appended "lol" to something he posted on Facebook.

awwww

One of those George Costanza worlds-colliding moments.

And why should that be so disappointing, young man?

I myself am 112. I ride a fixie, read Tao Lin, complain about gentrification processes I spearheaded, laud the new Frank Ocean without having heard it, and spend all day networking Skyrim.

Are you afraid that when we oldsters adopt the styles of younger generations you will have nothing left to call your own? Well, get back to the drawing board, sonny! Stretch yourself a bit! Make something we're sure to hate, something we'd never adopt in a million years! There's your challenge. But because I'm the one issuing it, you'll deliberately fail to pick up the gauntlet. Instead, just to fox me, you'll adopt the traditional styles of the very, very old. You'll wear a flat cap, have a whippet trot along behind you on a leash, eat mushy peas, grumble and spit, bet on the gee-gees. On you it'll look ironic, because you have a fresh face peeking out. On me, it'll just look old. So I won't follow you, and we'll have switched roles. Who got the better deal, eh? Eh? Eh?

LOL (lots of love, in case you didn't know what that means)!