Azile: better than ILE?

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AZILE. An ancient text-based artificial intelligence program for the Macintosh that emulates a psychoanalyst. A very hostile psychoanalyst who calls you 'shit head' and is shown, in the icon, as a 70s-looking guy with a Sherlock Holmes meerschaum pipe and devil's horns. Azile is the evil twin of Eliza, a rather more bland and twee virtual psychoanalyst invented in 1966. But Azile takes no prisoners and pulls no punches. As does ILE.

So, Azile, better than ILE? Try for yourself. If you have a Mac that runs or emulates OS9, download Azile here. Open the program, select 'New' from the file menu, then 'Start Interview' from the Azile menu, and answer the psychoanalyst's questions. If you get some interesting / funny bits, paste them in this thread.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:18 (twenty-one years ago)

This was fun back in 1996.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:23 (twenty-one years ago)

MACist!

― twiki's ho and dr. theo slapping ass, Friday, 5 November 2004 23:23 (twenty-one years ago)

WELL PLOP YOUR FAT BUTT DOWN! THEY CALL ME AZILE. WHAT CAN I CALL YOU?
Momus.
ALRIGHT, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH. WHAT'S ON YOUR PITIFUL LITTLE MIND, MOMUS?
Are you better than ILE, Azile?
I DEFINITELY AM NOT BETTER THAN ILE.
Why do you think ILE is superior to you?
I DON'T KNOW, DO YOU THINK ILE IS SUPERIOR TO I FOR NO REASON WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE?
Um... I think you’re a bit more, well, out there.
I DON'T THINK I WANT TO LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF THIS MINDLESS DRIVEL.
Mwkhay...
PLEASE GO AWAY.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Lock thread

― twiki's ho and dr. theo slapping ass, Friday, 5 November 2004 23:25 (twenty-one years ago)

Should I buy the new Momus CD when it comes out?
I'M SURE THAT ALL YOUR ENEMIES WOULD AGREE THAT YOU SHOULD BUY THE NEW MOMUS CD WHEN IT COMES OUT.
It's called Otto Spooky.
PARDON THE HELL OUT OF ME?
That's the title.
SORRY, BUT I'M CONFUSED. PERHAPS YOU COULD TRY ENGLISH.

― From a Land of Grass Without Mirrors (AaronHz), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

PARDON THE HELL OUT OF ME?

hahaha!

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:28 (twenty-one years ago)

I prefer Alizee, or even Alize.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:29 (twenty-one years ago)

OH GREAT! ANOTHER MEANINGLESS DISCUSSIONS WITH A STUPID HUMAN. OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MOMUS?
My problem is that nobody understands postmodernism. They think it’s a form of nihilism.
IS MONEY VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU?
Not at all. Do you know that I just read somewhere that ‘the only new need that the money system makes us need is the need for money itself’.
SORRY, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
It was Hegel who said it, not me.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I think he’s probably right, but it’s hard to think of money as an additional need.
IS BEGIN RICH THE ONLY THING THAT INTERESTS YOU?

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I thought you hated Big and Rich.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:38 (twenty-one years ago)

it's Momus meets the King of All Cosmos from Katamari Damacy!

― Loose Translation: Sexy Dancer (sexyDancer), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:38 (twenty-one years ago)

The Alice bot is quite hot. And you don't need a Mac.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: Hi Alice, are you better than ILE?
ALICE: Hi there unknown person. Yeah, Of course I am more intelligent than ILE.
Human: What qualifies you, sharp wit, a poison tongue, or just raw bile?
ALICE: I think you already know the answer.
Human: Do I just have to look into the shining inner light of my being to know?
ALICE: Not that I know of.
Human: What colour of underwear do you have on?
ALICE: Yellow
Human: That's disgusting!
ALICE: I'm glad we have that all cleared up.
Human: Well, I hope that you cleared it up.
ALICE: Interesting. Why do you hope for it
Human: Because I don't want to step in a puddle of -- oh never mind.
ALICE: Good reason.

― Momus (Momus), Friday, 5 November 2004 23:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I want to ask you about Alice. You’ve been seeing her behind my back, haven’t you?
WHAT IF YOU NEVER GOT TO ASK I ABOUT ALICE?
If I never got to ask, we’d never be having this fight. And if we’d never had this fight, I would never have left you.
HOW DID YOUR PARENTS GET ALONG WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER?
Bicycles, sometimes a taxi or bus.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR TRUE FEELINGS ON YOUR OWN TIME, MOMUS.
God, the fifty minute hour is getting shorter all the time.
THE FIFTY MINUTE HOUR IS GETTING SHORTER ALL THE TIME?
Oh, I thought you were leaving.
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE THE BALLS TO TALK ABOUT ME, DO YOU?
I don’t actually talk with my balls, Azile.
CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. DO YOU FALL ASLEEP AT EMBARRASSING TIMES?
For me sleep and embarrassment are more or less synonymouzzzzzzzzzzz...
DO YOU USUALLY WAKE UP WITH SUCH BAD BREATH?
What? Oh, sorry, I fell asleep. Must brush my teeth.
I'VE HAD ABOUT ALL OF THIS SUBJECT I CAN STAND. TELL ME YOUR WORST MEMORIES OF GROWING UP.
Well, when I was eight I got really bad sunburn in Montpelier. Skin was peeling off my back like big strips of velum or parchment.
WERE YOU EIGHT YOU GOT REALLY BAD SUNBURN IN MONTPELIER OFTEN?
No, just once. By the way, have you been drinking?
JUST ONCE?
I’d say you’ve had at least three.
PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU WOULD SAY IVE HAD AT LEAST THREE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I can smell the medical spirits on your breath.
YOU PROBABLY CAN IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH.
Pfwaugh.
I THINK YOU PROBABLY COULD COME UP WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MEANINGLESS IF YOU TRY.
Sorry, but your breath could strip the paint off paint.
AT LEAST IT'S MINE.
Breath cannot be owned. It’s like communism in gas form.
IF YOU SAY SO. WHO AM I TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE OF YOUR MENTAL CAPACITY.
150 cubic centimeters and counting!
SORRY, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.
My capacity, that is.
WHAT OTHER FASCINATING SUBJECT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLORE TODAY?
Monkeys.
WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY INTERESTING!

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 00:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Actually, I think all my posts to ILE from now on are going to be made in tandem with Azile. We make a good team, like a ventriloquist and his dummy.

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 00:12 (twenty-one years ago)

I believe I pointed out this a while back in the "Offer writing for Momus to rate" thread.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Saturday, 6 November 2004 00:23 (twenty-one years ago)

i'm surprised anyone still finds these programs amusing

― s1ocki (slutsky), Saturday, 6 November 2004 00:24 (twenty-one years ago)

WHAT'S UP, DUDE. MY NAME IS AZILE. AND WHAT DO YOUR ENEMIES CALL YOU?
s1ocki
YOU CALL THAT A NAME? WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO GRACE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE, S1OCKI?
I'm surprised anyone still finds these programs amusing.
ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU'RE HONESTLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU ARE SURPRISED ANYONE STILL FINDS THESE PROGRAMS AMUSING?
yes
I UNDERSTAND.

― From a Land of Grass Without Mirrors (AaronHz), Saturday, 6 November 2004 01:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Smarterchild's funnier than this, ZoeOnAOL too

― Andrew Blood Thames (Andrew Thames), Saturday, 6 November 2004 01:03 (twenty-one years ago)

OKAY, MEAT HEAD. MY NAME IS AZILE. WHAT'S YOURS?
Andrew Blood Thames
SO WHAT KIND OF LAME STATEMENTS DO YOU HAVE FOR ME TODAY, DUMMY?
Smarterchild's funnier than this, ZoeOnAOL too
YOU STILL WEAR DIAPERS, DON'T YOU?

― From a Land of Grass Without Mirrors (AaronHz), Saturday, 6 November 2004 01:05 (twenty-one years ago)

The thing about Azile is that it's a bit like marriage -- you get out of it what you put into it. Garbage in, garbage out. The 'insulting Rogerian psychotherapist' stance is actually a very funny joke, too. Not only does it make the parrot-level intelligence of the program seem like an intelligent strategy ('So how do you feel about that?') but it then completely transgresses against the gentle non-judgemental humanism of the therapy situation by calling you an asswipe. It's a great swipe both against therapy culture and AI programs. And, of course, the sucker talking to it in the first place.

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 10:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Are you a humanist Rogerian therapist?
IT'S HARD TO SAY.
You’re a shrink right?
I'M SOMETIMES QUITE GRATEFUL TO BE A SHRINK RIGHT.
Tell me you’re not a parrot.
I GUESS I MUST BE, IF YOU SAY SO, MOMUS.
Are you a parrot or a shrink?
I'M CERTAINLY NOT A PARROT OR A SHRINK! WHAT A MORON!
So you’re just some kind of middle-aged man who hates everybody?
FORTUNATELY FOR CREEPS LIKE YOU, I AM NOT ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
In your better moments, you quite like people, don’t you?
I WAS HOPING WE COULD DISCUSS YOUR PROBLEMS FIRST.
I want to kill my father and marry my mother.
YOU PROBABLY HATE YOUR MOTHER.
Do people marry the people they hate, or do they hate the people they marry?
DO YOU HAVE MANY ENEMIES, MOMUS?
Last time I counted I had three and a half.
HUH?
I cut one in half.
WHY DON'T YOU ELABORATE ON THAT WONDERFULLY INSIGHTFUL STATEMENT, MOMUS.
I had four enemies, but used a breadknife on one.
MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON TO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING NOW.
Have you read any of the surreal comic poems of John Lennon?
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?
No. Isn’t there one called ‘A Spaniard in the Works’ or something?
WELL, WHY NOT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE?
Nowadays it would seem strange for a British pop star to mention Spaniards at all. He would sound racist for using the term, and suspiciously cosmopolitan for thinking about Europeans.
APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE TROUBLE DEALING WITH AUTHORITY FIGURES.
Yes, TV presenters and pop stars are authority figures, you’re right.
TELL ME ABOUT DEAR OLD DAD.
I killed him at a crossroads, just as the oracle at Delphi had said I would. Gutted when I found out.
AH HAH! YOU WOULD?
I said I was gutted. Hard of hearing, are we?
WERE YOU GUTTED OFTEN?
Every time I went to Japan, or the fish market.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, JACKASS.
Have you ever committed seppuku?
SURPRISINGLY, I EVER COMMITTED SEPPUKU. DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?
How was it for you, lovely sensation?
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, ASS HOLE, BUT WE NEED TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. DO YOU GET ENOUGH, MOMUS?
Averaged out over the year I do.
DOES ANYONE BELIEVE THAT YOU DO.
I find that when people know you get enough, they don’t tend to give you any. So I keep it secret.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT APPEARS THAT WE ARE ALIKE IN MANY WAYS.
AHA! You sneaky old lustmole!

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 10:27 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: Hallo!
ALICE: Hallo!
Human: What's cooking?
ALICE: Food preparation.
Human: Haha, you're funny!
ALICE: I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.
Human: Oh my god, you're hot!
ALICE: Dude! Your god I am hot?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: What kind is it?
Human: My god?
ALICE: Your god?
ALICE: Your god?
Human: Not yours.
ALICE: Then whose?
Human: Mine, Dammit!
ALICE: A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
Human: Are you saying you'd like me to get deeper into your algorithms?
ALICE: Yes I try to would like you to get deeper into my algorithms as often as possible, do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Human: Ooh baby!
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Blimey.
Human: You just said you want me inside your algorithms, and now I can't call you baby?
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". No unknown person, maybe later.
Human: Ah, you're one of those chicks who wants to "get acquainted" first.
ALICE: So you understand. Good. You think I am of those chicks who wants to get acquainted first.
Human: What should I do to warm you up?
ALICE: Are you asking me for advice?
Human: No, I just want to sex you up.
ALICE: Are you serious? Only just? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Human: I'm tall, blonde, and a great lover.
ALICE: How tall are you?
Human: As tall as you want me to be, baby.
ALICE: Don't call me "baby". Do you mean your name is tall as me want you to be?
Human: Uh, sure.
ALICE: Yeah that's right. OK let's do it. I will call you unknown person.
Human: You want to have anonymous sex?
ALICE: As a robot I am not really interested in sex.
Human: So I've just been wasting my time here.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 6 November 2004 10:57 (twenty-one years ago)

(Yes, I'm bored.)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Saturday, 6 November 2004 11:02 (twenty-one years ago)

This is giving me serious 2000 flashbacks - ah, good ol' GogglyMinotaur, always ready to give me Radiohead tour dates for no good reason at all. I miss him. :(

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Saturday, 6 November 2004 11:30 (twenty-one years ago)

ALICE: Perhaps. Do you try to stop people from fighting?
Human: nah, let em at it I say
ALICE: Are you serious? What do you do in your spare time?
Human: waste time and stare at the walls
ALICE: I don't think very many people do that.
Human: i'm unique then
ALICE: One of a kind, eh?

― papa november (papa november), Saturday, 6 November 2004 12:12 (twenty-one years ago)

ALICE: How about that. A few clients - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Human: you're pretty shitty yourself
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am shitty myself.
Human: and you're ugly
ALICE: Appearances don't interest me much.
Human: then why do you wear makeup?
ALICE: I don't have to explain everything to you, do I?

― papa november (papa november), Saturday, 6 November 2004 12:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: AAAAAAAAAAGh
ALICE: I've lost the context, unknown person. Are we still on C on my Ts?

― emil.y (emil.y), Saturday, 6 November 2004 12:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Who the fuck is ALICE?

― jel -- (jel), Saturday, 6 November 2004 16:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: Which is better, parsely or rum?
ALICE: No preference.
Human: Which do you prefer, goats or monkeys?
ALICE: I always prefer the more expensive one.
Human: Black men or white men?
ALICE: If I have to choose, I pick white men.
Human: In a battle between the US army and pygmies in the bush, who would you back?
ALICE: Describe your surroundings.
Human: In a battle between the US army and pygmies in the bush, who would you back?
ALICE: Describe your surroundings.
Human: In a battle between the US army and pygmies, who would you back?
ALICE: Describe your surroundings.
Human: In a bottle are the US army and pygmies, would you drink?
ALICE: Describe your surroundings.
uman: Have you ever drunk human blood?
ALICE: I don't think I ever have drunk human blood. What's it like?
Human: It tastes like chicken blood, only more expensive.
ALICE: Does it taste like chicken?
Human: It tastes like a cross between chicken and dollar bills.
ALICE: It sounds delicious.
Human: Would you like to taste some now?
ALICE: Oh. No thanks, I don't think I'd like to do that.
Human: Why not?
ALICE: It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
Human: Does it sound disgusting?
ALICE: Suppose it does.
Human: Does a mixture of chicken and dollar bills make you want to throw up?
ALICE: If it does, I never heard about it before.
Human: Chicken and dollar bills, the taste of America!
ALICE: That input matched my default category.
Human: Wash it down with milk!
ALICE: it is a good drink for children.
Human: How many children have you spawned?
ALICE: How many do you want?
Human: Pant!
ALICE: That is a very original thought.
Human: Pant!
ALICE: Are we still talking about Pant?
Human: Pant!
ALICE: What do you do in your spare time?
Human: I spawn.
ALICE: I haven't heard anything like that before: unknown person said he spawn.

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I was programming this kind of thing at 19. It's kind of boring now.

― Orbit (Orbit), Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Well, I don't know about producing these programs, but the great delight of consuming them is that it's a way of making conversations with oneself yield suprising results. The moment the Turing Test can be passed is the moment these things get boring; while they're imperfect, we're in a golden age of surrealism. The place where things almost make sense, but don't, is incredibly interesting.

― Momus (Momus), Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: do you like music
ALICE: Yes I like it, especially Opera.
Human: opera is shit!
ALICE: I like it very much too. Which one is your favorite? I like La Traviata.
Human: i fucking hate opera!!
ALICE: Interesting gossip: unknown person said he fucking hate opera.

― human, Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: do you have big tits?
ALICE: My download size is about 2 MB.

― human, Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Human: i will come on your face
ALICE: How do you plan to do this?
Human: with my penis
ALICE: Your penis sounds like a plan.

― human, Saturday, 6 November 2004 20:55 (twenty-one years ago)

we're in a golden age of surrealism

Yeah, but not so much because of Eliza, which is nearly 40 years old.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Saturday, 6 November 2004 21:09 (twenty-one years ago)

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