Horrible Christmas Movies(that do not feature Tim Allen)

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

"Santa's Slay", a "comedy-horror" flick, featuring Goldberg(the pro-wrestler) as a demon-spawn that...well, let's just let the site write-up handle it:

Bill Goldberg plays the devil's son who lost a wager with a angel and was forced to spend 1000 years playing Santa, but now the wager of that time has run out, and good old Santa isn't so joyful anymore. He makes up for lost time and starts to kill people.

Just think! James Caan, Fran Drescher, AND Chris KAttan in the same movie!

― kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 22 November 2004 08:29 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.billgoldberg.com/new/santa1.jpg
GRRRRR!

― kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 22 November 2004 08:31 (twenty-one years ago)

ALL. OF. THEM.

― Daffyd, the only gay in the village (Autumn Almanac), Monday, 22 November 2004 08:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Me and Steve.n (and a couple of other folks) wrote an excellent Xmas slasher movie. It was called Santa's Hungry.

― emil.y (emil.y), Monday, 22 November 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Surviving. Fucking. Christmas.

― briania (briania), Monday, 22 November 2004 11:58 (twenty-one years ago)

That looks great! Starring Ben Affleck as a complete prick!

It's much better than the film it's up against... oh yeah, the Tim Allen movie.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 22 November 2004 11:59 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.highspeedplus.com/~dascott/images/tmi321lobby.jpg

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Monday, 22 November 2004 12:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Wait for the Freaky Trigger Advent Calandar of Christmas Films, coming soon to a Freakytrigger website.

― Pete (Pete), Monday, 22 November 2004 12:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh god. I still can't believe none of you bastards seconded The Sound of Music.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:06 (twenty-one years ago)

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00004Z1GR.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:22 (twenty-one years ago)

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000AQRYT.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:24 (twenty-one years ago)

The Sound of Music seconded.

― Wooden (Wooden), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I love christmas so much, all of them.

― cºzen (Cozen), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

seriously, that jonathon taylor thomas thing from upthread, I'd love to watch that. mrs santa claus? WHY NOT?!

― cºzen (Cozen), Monday, 22 November 2004 13:34 (twenty-one years ago)

From the Onion review of the Tim Allen movie:

Outraged, Allen and Curtis' neighbors begin a harassment campaign, protesting their refusal to decorate and celebrate with rude phone calls, public scorn, and a front-page article in the local newspaper. (All of which raises the question of how they treat, say, Jews.)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Friday, 26 November 2004 13:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I've never seen it, but I suspect the Arnold vs. Sinbad vehicle "Jingle All The Way" has a place on this thread.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:09 (twenty-one years ago)

I LOVE The Sound of Music.

I'm surprised none of you misanthropes have said It's a Wonderful Life yet.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:22 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost to myself

I remember back in the mid-nineties there was a website where they would describe movie plots without having seen anything but the ads.
So in their version, the finale of "Jingle All The Way" went something like this:

[Arnold and Sinbad each hold one leg of an action figure, threatening to break it, wishbone-style]

Sinbad [On one knee]: I'm just a poor postman. Won't you spare this toy and let me bring it home to my boy, bringing some joy into the life of a poor postman's son?

Arnold [Giving in]: I haff learned the true meaning of Christmas.

― Ken L (Ken L), Friday, 26 November 2004 15:23 (twenty-one years ago)

i've been consistently disappointed by repeated forced exposures to National Lampoon's Christmas movie, especially because so many of my friends seem to think it's a freakin classic. i mean, other than Randy Quaid, what is there to like about this aggressively repugnant representation of Christmas-oriented comedy?

― j.m. lockery (j.m. lockery), Friday, 26 November 2004 21:02 (twenty-one years ago)

"It's a Wonderful Life" is a great goddamn film, and you should be submerged in a giant mug of scalding mulled wine (with a touch of nutmeg) for thinking otherwise.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 27 November 2004 03:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Alex is correct. I was subjected to almost every Capra flick whilst taking a film class. It's a Wonderful Life is one of the few flicks where the Capracorn WORKS.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Saturday, 27 November 2004 03:58 (twenty-one years ago)

the Capracorn. hahaha

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 27 November 2004 03:59 (twenty-one years ago)

xxpost
I don't think anybody said anything bad about it. I think what was said is that knowing ILE somebody would probably say something bad about it.

I like it, but I like the Capras with Jean Arthur best.

You should read Gilbert Sorrentino's take on it. It is somewhere on line, maybe at the Dalkey Archive.

― Ken L (Ken L), Saturday, 27 November 2004 04:01 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.joblo.com/newsimages1/news-silentnight-rev.jpg

― contribute, Saturday, 27 November 2004 04:35 (twenty-one years ago)

"It's a Wonderful Life" just aired on NBC, and I honestly got all choked up during the final scenes. Clearly, someone must now come and kill me.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Sunday, 28 November 2004 04:00 (twenty-one years ago)

G. Bush's America = Potterville. That's enough to make me cry.

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 28 November 2004 04:03 (twenty-one years ago)

You getting choked up?

Wow! (xpost)

As for horrible Christmas movies...

So far, I only like A Christmas Story.

― Aja (aja), Sunday, 28 November 2004 04:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Of course, he gets choked up. Just like Dennis Hopper gets choked up when the guy mimes "In Dreams" in Blue Velvet. (Sorry Alex, couldn't resist.)

I still don't think anybody said it was a bad movie. Here is a link to the message in this very thread where it was mentioned: Horrible Christmas Movies(that do not feature Tim Allen)

Is there a thread for Xmas movies we like? I vote for The Shop Around The Corner.

― Ken L (Ken L), Sunday, 28 November 2004 04:13 (twenty-one years ago)

"It's a Wonderful Life" just aired on NBC, and I honestly got all choked up during the final scenes. Clearly, someone must now come and kill me.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...) (webmail), November 27th, 2004 8:00 PM. (vassifer) (later) (

SERIOUS POST: Alex: I've always found you an entertaining (if contrary) poster, but this last statement totally clarifies my opinion and understanding of you. You are tops!

― Snush (x Jeremy), Sunday, 28 November 2004 04:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw a terrible one over the weekend. It was Santa Claus: The Movie. There's no way I could do justice to how bad it is. It's a completely secular ahistoric consumerist version of the Santa Claus myth, and it has Dudley Moore as an elf. He has this running gag where he replaces the word "self" with "elf", so like "you just need some elf-esteem!" or "that was good for my elf-confidence!". I swear every time he does it there's a split second where every actor on the set freezes in uncontrollable animal panic at how bad the joke is.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 28 November 2004 12:14 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh and I found out later that it's my wife's favorite Christmas movie ever; like I mean she actually has a deep ego investment in it or something. When I told her I thought the movie sucked she wouldn't talk to me for hours. It was like I had told someone their infant was the ugliest thing I had ever seen.

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 28 November 2004 12:17 (twenty-one years ago)

That is the inherent danger in criticizing the holiday movie. I almost got into the same situation viz-a-viz the not-terrible-but-not-great-either Trains, Planes and Automobiles but my carefully veiled sarcasm was successful for once.

― Ken L (Ken L), Sunday, 28 November 2004 14:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't mention Jingle All The Way. I love that movie.

― Maxwell von Bismarck (maxwell von bismarck), Sunday, 28 November 2004 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

silent night deadly night is pretty bad even if the premise of santa claus as a serial killer is great.

― keith m (keithmcl), Sunday, 28 November 2004 16:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians = death and doom
The MST3K version of said film = holiday genius.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 28 November 2004 17:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Dan, I saw that Santa Claus: The Movie at the theater! I had forgotten all about it until you just brought it up. Dudley Moore was an elf who sold out Santa, and went to America to hit the big time, right? His name was Pie or Pan or Feeb or something like that. Lots of cross-talk about the commercialization of Christmas, nevermind that that's exactly what this movie was doing in the first place.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Sunday, 28 November 2004 17:45 (twenty-one years ago)

John Lithgow played the bad guy, if I remember.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 28 November 2004 17:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I found a copy of the movie plot site Ken L mentioned: http://www.iproject.net/oldWFH/disk05/FilmZone/predict/nov21predict.html

― a banana (alanbanana), Sunday, 28 November 2004 18:39 (twenty-one years ago)

John Lithgow was the only halfway decent part about it. He'd be a perfect Roald Dahl bad guy. He has that same perfect sense of the over the top (not that I think he's a good actor or anything, just that he operates in a far less dislikable mode than the rest of that saccharine gee-whiz cast).

― Dan I. (Dan I.), Sunday, 28 November 2004 23:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I DON'T LIKE IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE AND NONE OF YOU CAN MAKE ME LIKE IT.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 29 November 2004 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

SEIZE HER! PREPARE THE VAT OF MULLED WINE!

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Monday, 29 November 2004 01:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Sure, but I'm going to keep it for myself and drink it. Not at all once, though.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 29 November 2004 01:20 (twenty-one years ago)

ally, do you hate life?

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 29 November 2004 01:55 (twenty-one years ago)

and jimmy stewart?

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 29 November 2004 01:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Jimmy Stewart can EAT A DICK.

― Allyzay Science Explosion (allyzay), Monday, 29 November 2004 15:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Saw Jack Frost with Michael Keaton on Channel 5 last night, which was without a doubt the second worst movie I've ever seen (behind Best Defense, obviously). Which, after I've put this through a computer, makes it the worst Christmas film ever made, Tim Allen "vehicles" included.

Did anyone else catch this monstrosity? Did anyone actually see it? I'm thinking of starting a benevolent fund. FUCK! (cf)

― Huey (Huey), Monday, 29 November 2004 15:24 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

I just saw "Christmas in Connecticut" with Barbara Stanwyk. OMG, how awful.

She's columnist who writes a Martha Stewartish column about country living. But really she lives in the city. And the publisher wants to send a GI to her farm for Christmas for a publicity stunt. But she doesn't have a farm! OH NOES! So she and her editor and this other guy, whose role is kinda unknown except that he has a mad crush on Babs are trying to figure out what to do. She figures she'll have to quit her job when the publisher finds out she lives in the city. So she resigns herself to quitting and agrees to marry the guy with the crushxor, since she'll be jobless. But she doesn't want the editor to get fired, so they agree to host the GI for Christmas anyway... on CRUSHBOY'S FARM IN CONNECTICUT! It only gets dumber from there.

― D.I.Y. U.N.K.L.E. (dave225.3), Monday, 12 December 2005 15:14 (twenty years ago)

i've seen that movie a couple times, i like it okay! admittedly it'd be horrible and unwatchable if it were made at any time in the last decade, but i think it's a decent watch for 3 am on dec 23 when there's nothing else on, at least.

it also gets points for starring the HOTTEST WOMAN EVER IN ALL OF HISTORY no argument allowed.

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Monday, 12 December 2005 15:23 (twenty years ago)

DIY

that sounds like genius, ms stanwyck can do no wrong.

GENIUS

― anthony, Monday, 12 December 2005 15:24 (twenty years ago)

OK, I admit I was entertained, but mostly by the horible dialogue and plot!

― D.I.Y. U.N.K.L.E. (dave225.3), Monday, 12 December 2005 15:31 (twenty years ago)

Christmas in Connecticut is surprisingly enjoyable for second-string Stanwyck. FWIW, it seems to be one of Morrissey's favorite movies- or at least it got him through one dreary Manchester Christmas.

― k/l (Ken L), Monday, 12 December 2005 15:42 (twenty years ago)

Plus, it has the extra bonus of reminding me of her charming way of pronouncing all the letters in the word "Connecticut" when she is The Lady Eve in The Lady Eve.

― k/l (Ken L), Monday, 12 December 2005 15:45 (twenty years ago)

three years pass...

Merry Tim Allen day.

http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2007/05/15/tim_allen_mug.jpg

― Girlfriend, you've been scooped like ice cream (mehlt), Wednesday, 24 December 2008 23:41 (seventeen years ago)

wow; he looks so much older there than he does now

he must be, what, late-20s? he looks almost 50

― smooth challoperator (cozwn), Wednesday, 24 December 2008 23:43 (seventeen years ago)

four years pass...

This goes out to Pleasant Plains and anyone elseo who saw Santa Claus The Movie in the theaters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Valp3rAFubA

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 19 December 2013 19:42 (twelve years ago)

I saw it in theaters, though the fact that I did is the only thing I can recall about it now.

That Michael Keaton thing that the retro cartoon network here in Canada has been showing non stop these last few weeks (even though its not a cartoon) is pretty frightening based on the few minutes that I've caught of it here and there.

― a fifth of misty beethoven (cryptosicko), Thursday, 19 December 2013 20:18 (twelve years ago)

Not a movie, but may fortune favor you all of your days if you can get 10+ minutes into this abysmal nightmare without gouging your eyes out in despair:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_U4cthFCLs

― Throat Loaf (Old Lunch), Thursday, 19 December 2013 21:28 (twelve years ago)

oh hell yes

― polyphonic, Thursday, 19 December 2013 22:16 (twelve years ago)

gotta get a gift
gotta get a gift
gotta get a gift
gotta get a gift
gotta get a gift
for splinterrrr

― polyphonic, Thursday, 19 December 2013 22:24 (twelve years ago)

http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTk5MzkxNjEzMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMjc5ODczMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR3,0,214,317_.jpg

― polyphonic, Thursday, 19 December 2013 22:26 (twelve years ago)

twelve april o'neal autographs
eleven pairs of sneakers
ten yellow yo-yos
nine narrow neckties
eight chopsticks
seven silk kimonos
six frisbees
five video games
four manhole covers
three skateboards
two comic books
and a pizza with pepperoni

― polyphonic, Thursday, 19 December 2013 22:36 (twelve years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.