At what point do you finally stop being angry?

She didn't get married to hurt you. You can't KNOW if she was already seeing the guy when you were together, so try really hard to forget the possibility. And then move on.

I mean, view it as some kind of closure. Now at least you *know* why she broke up with you.

There's a time and a place for forgiveness, and there's a time and a place for just letting things go. The former you can't force and the latter will only come with time and distance.

If you want to be nice to the lady you're with, forget the one from before. Forgive her and move on lest you become as bad she was.

Either way, there's nothing you can do... you can't "optimize" as your ex is quite far from being single now.

If you're not happy now, perhaps you should evaluate why you're in the relationship you are in right now.. if you are happy, it sounds like you're just trying vent out a facet of your ego, which -- while it does make you sound like an assbutt (thank you Markelby) -- is hopefully just venting, and you'll be fine in a small while.

...

Personal aside: I've absolutely given up on relationships, period. While I'm not against having one, I'm not ever going to pursue one, or at least, put myself in such a vulnerable position if I want to hint that I'm into someone, and want to hang out in the future, etc. There's too much fun to forgo.

Seeing these threads over and over again only reaffirms my stance here.

I'm older though, so that helps. ROFL.

three crossposts

I just want some peace in my heart.

Perhaps you should accept that your anger is the natural way that you've reacted to getting fucked over. If you're worried about your present gf, tactfully tell her the emotions you're going through and why. If she can't take what you're going through, how much of a future do you have?

Peace in your heart? You anger may never disappear though its intensity may abate and forgiveness doesn't come instead of anger but despite it.

This anger is one of those brainworm things that just won't completely go away. I'll go days and even weeks without thinking about my ex, and then BAM - tidal wave of emotion, usually along the lines of "Who the FUCK did she think she was?" So, yeah, it's a low-grade obsession.

I do realize, rationally, that the only cure for this one is going to be time. I generally don't handle confrontation well, and if it's a knock-down, drag-out thing like this breakup was, then I do have a tendency to brood.

I've thought about medication & therapy, but I don't think that's the route for me. I tried seeing a therapist years ago (for worries unrelate to this issue), but my overall impression was that therapy is a like a greenhouse where your neuroses can grow free and unfettered, and where there's no real incentive to resolve them.

Anyway, I really needed to vent this morning, and I didn't want to bug anyone I know in the flesh about it. So thank you all for indulging me today.

Seeing these threads over and over again only reaffirms my stance here.

I am in a decent relationship right now, but I have to say, I relate 100% to this. If my current situation doesn't work out sooner or later, I will probably not date for as long as possible, and I certainly won't pursue anything. I don't think relationships are inherently bad (romantic or otherwise), but I probably only have one more breakup in me emotionally. I don't take them well, and I think that'll be pretty much it for me once this one's over. I don't need sex that badly, and I can take care of myself just fine. The emotional support I need I can get from family and friends. I'm tired of trying to make shit work all the time.

Uh... I guess I just wanted to say I relate.

there are a few people that i remain volcanically angry at to this day. like, if i saw them crossing the road whilst behind the wheel i'm not sure if i could restrain myself from committing vehicular homicide. i don't think that people can ever really let go of anger, but it's possible with the passage of time to gain a better understanding of your feelings.

This is so OTM. You can't expect yourself not to feel angry, but you can learn how to *handle* that anger. And also how not to put yourself in positions where that anger will be triggered. (People are telling me to "grow up" and just go to this party where my ex will be on Saturday. From my point of view, the grown up option is to admit that it's too much, too soon, and protect myself by not putting myself in the situation.)

I am in a decent relationship right now, but I have to say, I relate 100% to this. If my current situation doesn't work out sooner or later, I will probably not date for as long as possible, and I certainly won't pursue anything. I don't think relationships are inherently bad (romantic or otherwise), but I probably only have one more breakup in me emotionally. I don't take them well, and I think that'll be pretty much it for me once this one's over. I don't need sex that badly, and I can take care of myself just fine. The emotional support I need I can get from family and friends. I'm tired of trying to make shit work all the time.

God, this is also sooo painfully OTM. (Well, apart from the bit about being in a relationship, which I'm not and may never be again.) In fact, this is pretty much how I felt at the beginning of my relationship with my Ex. And why I felt so shredded by his betrayal.

just learn to live with it and don't try to get rid of it. then in a bit you won't care and *poof* you're over it. unless you're the imaginary guy they write country songs about.

(btw Kate, I hope you didn't interpret what I said as "grow up", that's not how I meant it.)

after the 4th whiskey sour!

(i hope that joke hasn't been done on here already)

I might even go, with my best friend. Don't know yet.

just learn to live with it and don't try to get rid of it. then in a bit you won't care and *poof* you're over it.

As OTFM as you can get, to be honest.

Another Anonymous (Post Break-Up) Advice Thread

It was harsh, yes, but how this guy gets from anger and jealousy at his ex to fear of poisoning his new relationship other than through unhealthy self-pity and an inability to keep things separate? I am mr sympathy to people in really hard emotional situations, but really, there's nothing to suggest here other than a stiff upper lip, dealing privately with these feelings and not letting them into his current relationship, until he can rationalise them and put them behind him.

An ex being unfaithful DOES NOT MEAN you or your current partner is more likely to be unfaithful. If it happened at all, and it sounds like only paranoia is making you think it might've. Seriously, the emotions you're feeling are understandable and not wrong, but they're also not ones that can be resolved, only defused.

"Waste of skin". Nice. Fuck you.

that's what i do. although i just realised that that's not healthy.

Jesus Christ, markelby, I was saying that this is exactly what I'm trying NOT to let happen.

I am mr sympathy to people in really hard emotional situations, but really, there's nothing to suggest here other than a stiff upper lip, dealing privately with these feelings and not letting them into his current relationship, until he can rationalise them and put them behind him.

Which is what I've been doing, but there are days - and yesterday was one of 'em - when I feel like my feelings are eating my brain whole, and I need to let them out in a way that isn't going to hurt anyone. Hence this thread.

An ex being unfaithful DOES NOT MEAN you or your current partner is more likely to be unfaithful.

Hang on a bit - where the fuck did I imply that? I'm not worried about my current girlfriend cheating on me. Not at all. Like I said, this new relationship is on a good path.

If it happened at all, and it sounds like only paranoia is making you think it might've.

Nope. Just "no". I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I have some concrete reasons for thinking that my ex was seeing this other guy, and none of them involve conspiracy theories, tinfoil hats, or Trilateral Commissions.

Seriously, the emotions you're feeling are understandable and not wrong, but they're also not ones that can be resolved, only defused.

Yes, understood. But next time, explain yourself, and don't make flip remarks like "You're being an assbutt. Wtf has this got to do with your new relationship? Be a man and move on." I mean, gimme a break.

I thought that the talk of poisoning the current relationship meant that you felt less able to trust or give yourself to your partner as a result of your experiences, but I was obviously wrong on that.

Other than that, I can only think I was so judgemental above because I know I'm prone to exactly the same kind of thing and I hate it when I feel that way. No excuse for taking it out on you. I hope that the decent and kind people on this thread at least have helped - it's a horrible place to be.

Sorry again.

Hallefalluja! I was objecting to the thinly veiled self-hate in the original post ("Be a Man"!) which as usual you'd flung back out at whoever had the problem in your own inimitable "he's really nice off the board" stylee. You're going to be Competitive Dad one day aren't you? No hard feelings, just try to remember that the rest of us aren't as big a man as you sometimes.

that's what i do. although i just realised that that's not healthy.

Andy's invocation of the stoics was apt, in that they write excellent and persuasive briefs for jettisoning useless, counter-productive emotions. If only it was as easy as saying to yourself, "Ah, fuck it. That won't get me anywhere." But it's not that easy when the anger is deep, scorching and vitriolic.

What my experience tells me is that, when I'm truly enraged, there's this little problem of an excess of anger-rocket-fuel running around in my system whenever I think about what makes me angry. It tends to want to burn off, even when there's no good target for the flames and hot exhaust. Just throwing a blanket over it and smothering the flames won't solve the problem. There's still fuel unburnt. It's better to go ahead and do a controlled burn and get rid of it.

By that I mean, give in to your rage, but wait until you're in a place where you can't do any actual harm - like an empty bedroom. Then scream, pound your fist, yell insults at the object of your anger. Tell her how she hurt you, betrayed you, acted like a shit. How she needs someone to wring her neck, and such.

Burn off as much rage as you can, physically, actively. Do be careful not to smash things. Smash your fist into a pillow instead. Beat a carpet senseless. Split firewood with a nasty, brutal axe-murderer's temperment. Shadow box. Get exhausted. I find that with the exhaustion comes a certain peace. From then on, being rational and stoical about it comes much more easily.

Of course, for little angers this is overkill.

I'm gonna print this thread out for future reference. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to post.

When was the last time you reminded him or Congress to stop the war?

Do you think if we remind them to stop the war on a consistent basis, so they can't forget about it...?

Still, as soon as we can afford to, you betcha :)

i still hold the fury from the first brutal drawn-out torturous dump from someone who absolutley fucking shredded me. devastated.

if you're reading this you heinous bitch i hope you rot in hell for what you did.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! that feels so much better!