The Onion's Jean Teasdale: C/D?

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i love her.

i really wonder who jean's author is (are). 100 to 1 it's actually a woman, but whatever, "a room of jean's own" consistently hits so many of my buttons: middleness, embarrassment, unconsciousness (as shield), feminism, failure. she's like the toqueville of the distaff post-fordist american psychic landscape. or something.

― g e o f f (gcannon), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:15 (twenty years ago)

The Teasdale column is kind of remarkable in terms of continually introducing Jean to topics the readers are assumed to know all about, and then actually sending her to work through them; there's a level at which it even slips from funny and into weirdo sociology.

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:21 (twenty years ago)

http://www.theonion.com/images/static/character4.jpg

The Cruise

By Jim Anchower

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:22 (twenty years ago)

So her name is Maria Schneider and she does Kornfeld, too.

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:23 (twenty years ago)

I kinda stopped reading Jean once her dad showed up.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:28 (twenty years ago)

She does Teasdale and Kornfeld? Oh, shit.

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:29 (twenty years ago)

Madison hometown girl, reprazent.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:30 (twenty years ago)

yeah, I kinda prefer Anchower. Tho all the regular characters seem to have run their course in terms of comic value. Their initial punch has faded, and the comic riffs have become repetitive instead of provocative. Kornfeld, for instance, is a great comic device that was pretty much already totally mapped out (and spent) by the second column.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:31 (twenty years ago)

Don't forget Smoove.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:39 (twenty years ago)

yeah, wow, marry me! teasdale and kornfeld are pretty similar, now that i know. she routinely presents the "real" through the screen of the characters' extremely blinkered consciousness; it's an over-reliable narrator. like a friend of yours saying "i keep trying to call this girl and i've gotten voice mail for like four days. her phone must be dead or something, we totally hit it off" and you're like riiiight.

anyway shakey repetition is the point! no escape!

― g e o f f (gcannon), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:43 (twenty years ago)

haha didn't the onion run 'i think this stripper really likes me' as one of their op-eds once?

― j blount (papa la bas), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:46 (twenty years ago)

Anchower is particularly stupid but funny in a stoner humor kind of way. Somehow he doesn't make me cringe as much as Jean does, maybe because he's less needy. Smoove is played out for me and Kornfeld has gotten too stuck in the disconnect humor of gansta vs. dorky office nerd.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:56 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I haven't read Kornfeld in years, actually.

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 16 June 2005 20:57 (twenty years ago)

I don't think they even do Smoove B anymore, do they? Anyway: think about Anchower is he's a little to close to home, or something; I just get depressed and feel bad for the guy. He's always broke, his shit keeps breaking down, he can't find a decent job, nobody likes him; I feel that, man, that's not funny!

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:00 (twenty years ago)

Though his endless optimist and reliably even keel are something of an inspiration.

― nabisco (nabisco), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:01 (twenty years ago)

i thought i saw a smoove b. column recently, but maybe it was a "re-run"?

the classic op-ed was the "point/counterpoint" one that was something like "european guys are so romantic" vs. "american coeds are so easy."

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:01 (twenty years ago)

Anchower = 99% of the permanent Santa Cruz residents I met as a student. perhaps that's why I find him more entertaining than the others. I mean, even his picture still gives me a chuckle.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:04 (twenty years ago)

"I Am Starving" vs. "I Am Starving"

― Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (Gear!), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:06 (twenty years ago)

my fave point/counterpoints were either "Humidity must be DESTROYED" vs "Humidity is a Gift from God", by a Dehumidifier vs a Humidifier, or a "Hug me!" vs "No! Hug Me!" by a Fluffy Duckling vs a Fuzzy Puppy.

― big daddy kingfish (Kingfish), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:06 (twenty years ago)

or "spartans are totally gay" vs "actually yes the ancient spartans did engage in and celebrate homosexual practices" - high school football player vs classics lecturer

― g e o f f (gcannon), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:14 (twenty years ago)

Haha, I was just gonna mention that one, Gear!

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:16 (twenty years ago)

"Nigeria May Be A Developing Nation, But It Is Rich In Culture" vs "Get Me Out Of This Godforsaken Hellhole"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:18 (twenty years ago)

man you guys have some, er, different humor standards than I do. I bet you all thought Kramer was hilarious on Seinfeld...

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:21 (twenty years ago)

"Nigeria May Be A Developing Nation, But It Is Rich In Culture" vs "Get Me Out Of This Godforsaken Hellhole"

-- Dom Passantino (juror...), June 16th, 2005.

That's probably my favourite.

― Pangolino 2, Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:26 (twenty years ago)

I bet you all thought Kramer was hilarious on Seinfeld...

nah, I preferred Stanley Spudowski...

― big daddy kingfish (Kingfish), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:27 (twenty years ago)

I hated Seinfeld.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:33 (twenty years ago)

wow I thought I was the only one!

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:34 (twenty years ago)

I couldn't stand it either.

― Pangolino 2, Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:49 (twenty years ago)

Seinfeld sucks. "Life begins at conception" vs "Life begins at 40!" is pretty classic.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Thursday, 16 June 2005 21:55 (twenty years ago)

dammit i was about to say that one! Yeah those are great.

Jean Teasdale...depressing. Like nabisco said upthread, it leaves humor behind by the end. I dont leave laughing, but its very good.

― deej.., Thursday, 16 June 2005 22:17 (twenty years ago)

I always liked Jean Teasdale when she would get really dark at points, or somehow have moments of crystal-clear precise awareness, before getting submerged under Precious Moments again.

― big daddy kingfish (Kingfish), Thursday, 16 June 2005 22:35 (twenty years ago)

'oh, look at me, i read the economist'

― N_RQ, Friday, 17 June 2005 07:50 (twenty years ago)

Seinfeld-hate is just crazy talk.

― Taste the Blood of Scrovula (noodle vague), Friday, 17 June 2005 08:30 (twenty years ago)

I love Teasdale, although I do find it depressing. Anchower just brings out a weird mothering instinct in me: "I can save you Jim!"

― Anna lives in a fictional world (Anna), Friday, 17 June 2005 08:35 (twenty years ago)

i like the gangsta accountatnt

― lukey (Lukey G), Friday, 17 June 2005 08:49 (twenty years ago)

Kornfeld's recent plant saving column was vintage stuff:

“I raised a fuckin’ office plant from tha dead by hollerin’ at it an’ feedin’ it root beer an’ Skittles, y’all. Thas off tha hook. Sheeit.”

Teasdale has also been consistently great (so yeah, classic) and Anchower, whilst not up to former glories, still guarantees a few yuks.

― Bill A (Bill A), Friday, 17 June 2005 09:28 (twenty years ago)

i like the internet/scifi geek.

― N_RQ, Friday, 17 June 2005 09:32 (twenty years ago)

I like the entertainment column. It's been a year since I read the Onion, so I forget his name.

― geyser muffler and a quarter (Dave225), Friday, 17 June 2005 10:53 (twenty years ago)

The Outside Scoop with Jackie Harvey.

― Taste the Blood of Scrovula (noodle vague), Friday, 17 June 2005 10:55 (twenty years ago)

x post

Yeah, that geek is awesome. His column about "It saddens me that you don't see the need to learn Elvish" is Class-ique.

― Taste the Blood of Scrovula (noodle vague), Friday, 17 June 2005 10:56 (twenty years ago)

>i like the internet/scifi geek.

Larry Groznik. A Comic Book Store guy rip-off, but still funny. Someone must have saved up these columns somewhere before Onion became pay-archive, right?!

― mjfan, Friday, 17 June 2005 11:14 (twenty years ago)

I was shocked to learn that Fashion Bug is a real store.

Jean's column and Peggy Hill's Musings column are pretty spot-on parodies of regional journalism. I remember reading a free local paper here in Tennessee and the editorial column, written by a middle-aged lady, was about traffic lights and whether or not they were a good idea. I had no idea that this was considered a controversial subject.

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Friday, 17 June 2005 16:56 (twenty years ago)

Top Ten Questions YOU Have About Comics!

― Huk-L, Friday, 17 June 2005 17:07 (twenty years ago)

Wow, de gustibus and all that. I don't find Teasdale or Anchower even the least bit funny--her columns are way too sad and his are just boring.

But Kornfeld and Smoove are both megaclassics.

― The Mad Puffin, Friday, 17 June 2005 17:10 (twenty years ago)

(Echoing the Seinfeld hate...) I haven't read the Onion in a couple of years now, to be honest...Teasdale always worked the best on a sheer level of uncomfortableness.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 17 June 2005 17:27 (twenty years ago)

ILX's Seinfeld hate is lame.

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 17 June 2005 17:30 (twenty years ago)

ILX's Seinfeld hate is lame.

Word.

"Fido's living on a farm now" vs. "No I'm not, they killed me"

(or whatever) is pretty classic.

― giboyeux (skowly), Friday, 17 June 2005 19:06 (twenty years ago)

"I don't find Teasdale or Anchower even the least bit funny - But Kornfeld and Smoove are both megaclassics."

yeah that whole "white people writing in black slang" thing never gets old, does it? gimme a break.

― Shakey Mo Collier, Friday, 17 June 2005 19:11 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, seriously! Kornfeld and Smoove were tired from Day One!!

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 17 June 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)

Jeanketeers

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 17 June 2005 19:13 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 31 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

http://www.theonion.com/2056-06-22/opinion/2/anchower.jpg

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 21:05 (twenty years ago)

holy christ, i didn't notice the tin foil on his antenna...

― kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 21:06 (twenty years ago)

People talking funny never does get old, actually. I don't give a shit who it makes fun of, just as long as it's well done.

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 21 June 2005 21:11 (twenty years ago)

whoa, now that i've returned home and have speakers, the voicework sounds like Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri...

― kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 21 June 2005 22:44 (twenty years ago)

Where's the voicework?

― The Yellow Kid, Wednesday, 22 June 2005 05:00 (twenty years ago)

aw fuck, they changed it back to the usual display.

oh wait, try here:

http://www.theonion.com/2056-06-22/index.php?pre=1

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 05:03 (twenty years ago)

"Point/Counter Point: 'You The Man' 'No, YOU The Man!'" Though that was funnier as a headline + pictures than the actual article was.

"Is OJ Reading Your E-mail?" Wait -- that was Might.

I haven't read the Onion as much in recent years as I used to, in part because I don't have anywhere near as much time as I had in college, and in part because the ideas are generally way better than their execution. My favorite aspects of it these days are the dumb little side headlines with pictures, like "Man Happy As Hell, Going To Take It For Long, Long Time" and others I can't think of now.

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:06 (twenty years ago)

Smoove B = never gets old somehow.

Kornfeld = old by time of second column.

Anchower = old and pathetic. so why do i keep reading the things as soon as I come across them?

Jean T = funny for the first dozen or so columns. then I'd just read the headlines and giggle at the picture.

Search: "Walken In L.A."

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:15 (twenty years ago)

Among the greatest of Onion column headlines: "You Look Like You Could Use An Elizabethan Adventure On The Holodeck."

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

I wish I could remember the title of the story about the pizza that never came into contact with an un-stoned person. From headline to final graph, total perfection.

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:24 (twenty years ago)

something like: "No One Involved with Making, Delivery, or Consumption of Pizza Not Completely Stoned"

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:30 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I think that was it.

Another great headline/story was from the Clinton era (and featured the man himself), something about how despite life's pointless and hopeless nature people still went about their normal routines.

― Raymond Cummings (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:32 (twenty years ago)

the interview upthread mentions how the Onion has peaked. I'm trying to think about when that could have been; probably '98-'00, just before they relocated to New York.

it's like when your favorite band ever suddenly decides that they need to head to NY/LA to get bigger, and their records never sound as good after that.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 14:51 (twenty years ago)

I'm with Raymond. I pretty much read the headlines of the main stories and think to myself, "Yeah, I pretty much know where that's gonna go." The Onion may have jumped the shark after the move to NYC, but for me, I lost my love with all the animated pop-up's and "the next story will load once you're done looking at this Popov ad for thirty seconds" spots.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 15:32 (twenty years ago)

Amat is right about Smoove, obv: at some point a friend of mine tracked down the actual post-Freddie-Jackson r&b group publicity still that Smoove hails from. Or claimed to -- for some reason I can't remember whether he ever actually produced the evidence for me. Anyway the dude's stage name really was Smoove B.

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 17:15 (twenty years ago)

I lost my love with all the animated pop-up's

i think those did come about after the move, even.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 18:11 (twenty years ago)

What happened to Pathetic Geek Stories? I'd kind of forgotten about them and they used to be one of my favorite things in the Onion. It's too bad the paper has gone so far downhill, but I guess that's what's bound to eventually happen to things that grow so big. I know someone who worked for the Onion up until a few months ago, and he told me these awful things about articles getting censored to appease advertisers. It's a shame, but I guess at the same time, it ran its course, and there's probably new, funny stuff out there to read. It's just that I won't likely seek it out as enthusiastically as I did when I was fourteen, and, therefore, will not find it. Oh well. I do crossword puzzles.

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 19:36 (twenty years ago)

i've always liked the AV Club tho. Funny how we have an ex-AV Club writer floating around here somewhere...

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:01 (twenty years ago)

We have a former and I think every-so-often a current. (And I can't imagine the music writers don't look in on ILM now and then.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:06 (twenty years ago)

FATTEY WANTS A COBBLER I NTHE NOBLER SO I GIVE HER ONE

― GARU G, Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:08 (twenty years ago)

that's the worst palindrome i've seen today

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:15 (twenty years ago)

KINGFISH

― GARU G, Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:19 (twenty years ago)

yes?

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:21 (twenty years ago)

What happened to Pathetic Geek Stories?

They got their own site, complete wth archives and reader mail:

http://www.patheticgeekstories.com/

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:45 (twenty years ago)

Oh, cool. Thanks!

― kirsten (kirsten), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 20:50 (twenty years ago)

The Onion appears to be futuristic this issue.

― h., Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:04 (twenty years ago)

"Repopulation of Africa Begins"

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:06 (twenty years ago)

how do we get this far in an Onion thread 'roudn these parts and not give a shout out to ther "Least Essential Albums" series -- though they didn't do it for 2004, much to my shagrin.

"Sexual Harassment In the Workplace Must Be Stopped" vs. "I Love They Your Tits Bounce When You Type"

― Randy Reiss (undeadsinatra), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:29 (twenty years ago)

Anyway the dude's stage name really was Smoove B.

Was there a dude in his band called Greg Nyce?

― kit brash (kit brash), Thursday, 23 June 2005 14:10 (twenty years ago)

one month passes...

HAHAHA. viewers are being POXY FULED when they access the Onion this morning:

Warning: mysql_pconnect(): Too many connections in /www/redesign.theonion.com/avclub/includes/database.mysql.inc on line 31
Too many connections

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 15:47 (twenty years ago)

also, today's ish contains this gem:

Chocolate Pudding Up $2 a Barrel

NEW YORK—The price per barrel of dark sweet chocolate pudding jumped to over $60 Monday as global anxiety continued to drive demand for the delicious after-meal treat. "There is no pudding-production shortfall, either from U.S. producers or the SNACPAC member nations," dessert analyst Blythe Barton said. "Demand alone is driving prices upward, with American consumers demonstrating an ongoing willingness to pay record prices per barrel for smooth, creamy pudding." The White House released a statement late Monday indicating that it has no intention of breaking the skin on the government's Strategic Pudding Reserves, which are to be used only in wartime or as a reward for finishing an entire serving of beets.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 15:48 (twenty years ago)

that's not especially funny.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 16:01 (twenty years ago)

true, not especially, but pudding is funny.

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 16:11 (twenty years ago)

Not in this case.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 16:12 (twenty years ago)

well, fine, i'll go somewhere esle, away from all you pudding philistines

― kingfish (Kingfish), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 16:14 (twenty years ago)

Warning: mysql_pconnect():
For some reason, that reads to me like "mysql_connect has been pwned."

― Draw Tipsy to see if you give a shit about art (Dave225), Wednesday, 27 July 2005 16:19 (twenty years ago)

two years pass...

http://hometowns.cyber-net-village.com/Orlando/7302/Rick/sportzone/misc/folders/Jean/

― gff, Thursday, 21 February 2008 02:59 (eighteen years ago)

Pathetic Geek Stories was really great.

― 31g, Thursday, 21 February 2008 03:01 (eighteen years ago)

lol @ url

― omar little, Thursday, 21 February 2008 03:04 (eighteen years ago)

yes!

― gff, Thursday, 21 February 2008 03:50 (eighteen years ago)

twelve years pass...

First column since 2015:
https://www.theonion.com/welfare-check-1846085921

― jaymc, Tuesday, 19 January 2021 20:43 (five years ago)

First column since 2015:
https://www.theonion.com/welfare-check-1846085921🕸

Yaaay

― Boring United Methodist Church (Boring, Maryland), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 22:54 (five years ago)

― shivers me timber (sic), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 23:15 (five years ago)

omg

― satanist of size (map), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 23:16 (five years ago)

i would have guessed jean and hubby rick as big into qanon in 2021, glad its not the case

― nobody like my rap (One Eye Open), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 23:38 (five years ago)

Clicking through to that also caused me to see the Kelly cartoon where God enthusiastically gives Rush Limbaugh cancer because he wants to get him to heaven as soon as possible

― hiroyoshi tins in (Sgt. Biscuits), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 23:54 (five years ago)

hope they bring jim anchower back also

― Fenners' Pen (jim in vancouver), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 23:58 (five years ago)

hola, amigo

― shivers me timber (sic), Wednesday, 20 January 2021 00:30 (five years ago)

Died at “Jeanwhile”, needed that laugh today. Would love some Anchower lockdown antics too.

― soaring skrrrtpeggios (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Wednesday, 20 January 2021 00:32 (five years ago)

Had to poke around a bit to find Kelly, and it looks like Sutton has switched to an all-digital workflow, which detracts from the pastiche in the era of Ben Garrison. (The labels on people look especially clunky, and his cleaner lines take away from the style in general.)

― shivers me timber (sic), Wednesday, 20 January 2021 00:39 (five years ago)

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