What's your kinkiest perversion?

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I'm convinced that everybody is kinky in one way or another. Everybody's got *something* that's a bit of a fetish. This is the thread where you tell us what it is, and thereby prove me right!

(feel free to log out, of course)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:05 (twenty years ago)

(i bet the first proper post on this thread will be Kate talking about Napoleonic captains on the high seas)

(i will post on it myself later on, when I have less work to do, and am more logged out)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:06 (twenty years ago)

You couldn't possibly expect me to talk about my kinky fetish here, in front of all these ladies!

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:09 (twenty years ago)

That's why you log out, Marcello!

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:10 (twenty years ago)

I thought the nature of perversions was that they were all kinky! So how can one place one kink above another?

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:12 (twenty years ago)

Ray and Dave Davies to thread.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:13 (twenty years ago)

Well, some things are obviously kinkier than others.

I shouldn't use "obviously", because it's all subjective. But some things definitely feel kinkier than others. In the BDSM scene, there seems to be a definite "standard" dividing line beyond which relatively few people will go.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:16 (twenty years ago)

Thing is, even if I log out, my ISP address will still be traceable, so mods will be able to cackle "oh ho ho Carlin you depraved, deshabille perversed popinjay" in private.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:18 (twenty years ago)

"Let nothing be called natural
In an age of bloody confusion,
Ordered disorder, planned caprice,
And dehumanized humanity, lest all things
Be held unalterable!"

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:19 (twenty years ago)

i admit it. i really like "celluloid heroes". it's cute.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:19 (twenty years ago)

That's true, but I trust the mods not to reveal people's logged-out secrets that way.

(xxpost)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:20 (twenty years ago)

I don't not be trustin' nobody.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:21 (twenty years ago)

In the BDSM scene, there seems to be a definite "standard" dividing line beyond which relatively few people will go.

that line being?

― toby (tsg20), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:24 (twenty years ago)

The usual "things over the line" tend to be bestiality* and faeces.

* with real animals, not people pretending to be animals in a BDSM way (which is very different from in a furry way - it involves a lot less fur and a lot more bondage)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:26 (twenty years ago)

well i certainly don't go anywhere near that sort of thing. no my particular perversed is strictly to do with consenting adults.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:28 (twenty years ago)

Oh go on, tell us

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:30 (twenty years ago)

i like to pretend to be tied up when listening to "set me free"

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:32 (twenty years ago)

Most perversions are actually astonishling normal.

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:32 (twenty years ago)

Doesn't the fact that we can name and list these kinks underline how mundane they are? The project to catalogue the ways in which people get sexual pleasure is hundreds, maybe thousands, of years old. "Lights out, missionary" seems as perverse as any of the other categories.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:33 (twenty years ago)

x post

Oops, yeah. What Kate said.

― Anti-Pope Consortium (noodle vague), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:33 (twenty years ago)

(fp xpost)

maybe further on down the thread. but not right now because if i do everyone will say "oh it's marcello" so i'll leave it for a while.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:34 (twenty years ago)

My husband and I love masturbating together (or having sex if we can get away with it) in risky places. One of our favorite things to do is ""dress for a date."" We dress up for dinner and make sure we're ""easily accessible."" He wears no underwear. I wear non-piercing clit jewelry, no panties, and a skirt. The jewelry feels so erotic hanging down my thighs, caressing them and reminding me that I am bare.

We deliberately go to upscale places and sit in areas where we can sit and covertly get off. It turns me on to get off in some uppity snobbery. Fuck the food. The attraction is doing it where no one would believe you would dare.

I love to look into my man's eyes as he slowly, silently jacks off in some nice cafe, his cock discreetly blocked by the table cloth and napkin. He'll start off by unzipping his pants, and lubing the head. Then he quietly strokes and pumps all through dinner. His eyes glaze and his breathing is a little ragged as he climaxes, but he can still keep it a secret to everyone but me.

I carry an oversized sweater, which I drape over my lap, so I can hike up my skirt and play with my clit and pussy until I cum. It drives HIM wild when I clean my pussy fingers, in between climaxes, by sucking off my own juices. He catches his cum in one of my silk scarves, which I then wear around my neck for the rest of the evening. I LOVE the smell of his semen. The more times he climaxes, the more cum I get to inhale. It totally gets me off.

We also love to find a secluded spot in a public park -- mostly after dark, where we sit facing each other and masturbate. If it's possible, I open my blouse so he can see my hard nipples. I love to watch him shoot his wad wildly into the air, letting it land wherever.

― someone or other, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:35 (twenty years ago)

I think I may have mentioned some of my more unusual sexual practices of recent years here once or twice before...

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:36 (twenty years ago)

Choke sex, taintplay, getting slapped/pinched, piss if available, face palming, that's aboot it lately. The really involved/'expert level' kind of kink that they show in arts weeklies/lifestyle channels takes too much preparation and of course the ubitquitous identical explanations of 'how the process bends gender roles, questions power theory, and alskdfja;fjwoeif'. I DON"T WANT UNIVERSITY I JUST WANT TO BUST A GULLY NUT shutup shutup shutup!

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:44 (twenty years ago)

but not right now because if i do everyone will say "oh it's marcello" so i'll leave it for a while.

What you should have done is posted this immediately *after* your actual post, to throw us all off the scent.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:47 (twenty years ago)

how do you know i didn't?

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:48 (twenty years ago)

The really involved/'expert level' kind of kink that they show in arts weeklies/lifestyle channels takes too much preparation

And it's bloody expensive too.

(I am speaking just as someone who has looked at the pricelists of fetishwear and 'bondage furniture' retailers, not as someone who has bought very much of it)

how do you know i didn't?

I don't!

(except that the anonymous posts above that don't sound much like you)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:49 (twenty years ago)

exactly

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:50 (twenty years ago)

It's so much better when people don't log out, although I have no intention of posting about my perversions anonymous or otherwise. That said, I don't really consider anything I get up to as a perversion, more a preference.

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:52 (twenty years ago)

Bah! Pink! You are ruining my "everyone has some kind of fetish" theory!

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:53 (twenty years ago)

yeah, but you know, ilx threads no longer seem to be google-proof, and anything that can be used against me etc. etc.

(that said, my, er, "preferences" on a perversed scale would rank - well, if bestiality were Slipknot, I'd be at the Magic Numbers level)

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:54 (twenty years ago)

I think all of the Magic Numbers look rather cute, but I'm not sure if that counts as a fetish really.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:56 (twenty years ago)

Sorry FP, what was i thinkin? Men wearing my underwear of course! [/euw - so not true!]

X-post

M - I knew it, you're as twee as me!! hahaha (well ok, maybe not quite as twee, but nearly!)

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:57 (twenty years ago)

i have to admit - it's something of a twee perversion.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 11:59 (twenty years ago)

Hold on, that logged out person above fucks the food?
Meh, not that perverted.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:00 (twenty years ago)

Oh and I'd do Gadget from Rescue Rangers if she was real and around my height or if I could shrink (temporarily) to her height.

― LeCoq (LeCoq), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:00 (twenty years ago)

Most perversions are actually astonishling normal.
-- Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (masonicboo...) (webmail), July 20th, 2005 12:32 PM. (later) (link)

The number of things that seem perfectly natural, that either don't have a clinical sounding name for it, or have a more base name that does not reflect how you both were feeling at the time...

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:01 (twenty years ago)

I have to admit, if anyone anonymous starts posting about Amanda Platell and high heels I will immediately assume it is Marcello.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:02 (twenty years ago)

oh elysium thy gates are visible...

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:07 (twenty years ago)

I mean, anyway, why would I log out? The number of times I've started rambling on about teabagging or rum, sodomy and the lash and dressing up like a schoolmarm and turning my lover over my knee and spanking them with a cane... I can't think of much I haven't gabbed all about all over here already.

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:08 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, but tell us again kate eh?! ;-)

― PinXorchiXoR (Pinkpanther), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:08 (twenty years ago)

Plus, have I mentioned the Sea Captain and the pirates lately, then? ;-)

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:10 (twenty years ago)

haha rob bolton got to that one first.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:11 (twenty years ago)

whatever you are thinking every single one of them has probably in some way been listed in 120 days of sodom, some ofthat book scarred me for life...

― battlingspacemonkey (battlingspacemonkey), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:12 (twenty years ago)

kate i've got a clinic to do at three o'clock, stop getting me excited!

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:12 (twenty years ago)

i sometimes listen to "sunny afternoon" in a cold winter day.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:13 (twenty years ago)

If you're going to *do* a whole clinic, I would think you'd have to be VERY excited, doctor!

ba-dum-bump-bump.

― Rum, Sodomy and the LAN (kate), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:14 (twenty years ago)

Laughing at people who log out.

― Leon C. (Ex Leon), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:17 (twenty years ago)

wanking off, whilst laughing at people who log out.

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:18 (twenty years ago)

not so much that, it's the fear of people going "EW!" at people who log out!

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 20 July 2005 12:18 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 70 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Pervert!

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 23:37 (twenty years ago)

Best answer yet

― Jimmy Mod Is Sick of Being The Best At Everything (ModJ), Wednesday, 20 July 2005 23:37 (twenty years ago)

I think it is safe to say, that every little boy has at some stage in their life tried to insert something into their cute little pee hole.

Here. Last ever item was a miniature pine cone. Recieved urinal tract infection. Learned lesson.

― nobody, Thursday, 21 July 2005 00:16 (twenty years ago)

Every little boy grows up to understand that their little pee hole is neither cut nor little. It is designed for shooting gallons of cum.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 01:58 (twenty years ago)

Maybe not all at once. But over the course of a month or so.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 01:59 (twenty years ago)

ASK ME NAN

― GARU G, Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:00 (twenty years ago)

Your nan was one sick fucking bitch, and ought to be in prison.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:02 (twenty years ago)

LETS PUT IT THIS WAY,THAT LASS KNOWS A THING OR ABOUT LETTING ME POO DRIP JUST REET IN HER FLANGE AND THEN LETTING ME DO ANOTHER IN HER HOLE TILL IT GETS NOT COMPLETE DRY BUT NICE AND LUKE WARM THEN ME GARN WALKS IN AND ME NOBS USUAL ON FIRE BY THAT POINT YA FOOKIN TWERP

― GARU G, Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:03 (twenty years ago)

Not just nasty, but Scottish. Two strikes.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:05 (twenty years ago)

HOW THE FOOK DID YA WORK THAT ONE OUT YA YANK TWERP IM FOOKIN YORKY BORN N BRED YA PRAT

― GARU G, Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:07 (twenty years ago)

IVE BEEN UP ALL NITE PUTTING PICTURES OF ME NANS HEAD ONTO SLANT BIRDS BODIES WANT ME TO SEND YA SOME

― GARU G, Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:08 (twenty years ago)

I'm American, and I have no real business making Scot jokes. I apologize. You nut.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:09 (twenty years ago)

I'm not shy about saying that I have never tried to put anything in my urethra, nor been curious about it.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:09 (twenty years ago)

dammit forgot to log out

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:10 (twenty years ago)

No, you're ok not logged out. The pine cone story -- that's what you log out for.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:11 (twenty years ago)

but I did for that one

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:17 (twenty years ago)

dammit

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Thursday, 21 July 2005 02:17 (twenty years ago)

hahahahaha

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 21 July 2005 03:05 (twenty years ago)

I really don't have any perversions. I guess it's kind of like how I don't have a sense of humour. People are always laughing at things I didn't say as a joke. I find the act and its associated acts completely baffling. In such a state of confusion, its difficult to think of weirder things to do.

― logged out?, Thursday, 21 July 2005 04:11 (twenty years ago)

Haikunym stole my pine cone credit and I got the internal pee hole scar to prove it

― nobody, Thursday, 21 July 2005 06:06 (twenty years ago)

Having an automaton punch me square in the face at the vingegar stroke.

― The Jaguar Who Sleeps At The Centre Of The World. (Mikey Bidness), Thursday, 21 July 2005 06:25 (twenty years ago)

I want to shag Fry from Futurama.

― Sad geek git, Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:22 (twenty years ago)

my british friend calls vagina "minge"

― huell howser (chaki), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:38 (twenty years ago)

my american friend calls bum "fanny"!!

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:45 (twenty years ago)

Z - and indeed - ing.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:48 (twenty years ago)

yah we actually say that here

― huell howser (chaki), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:48 (twenty years ago)

I want to shag Fry from Futurama.

-- Sad geek git (comeo...), July 21st, 2005. (later)

No, no idea at all who that could be! None at all!

(My anon-post(s) are probably obvious too)

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Thursday, 21 July 2005 08:58 (twenty years ago)

umm... no :/

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 21 July 2005 09:20 (twenty years ago)

Some of these perversions sound frightfully expensive.
-- Adam In Real Life (
Adam, that is the most British thing you've ever said.
-- Haikunym

I have come to the conclusion tha,t by moving to the US, Adam is now more British than any of us who actually live here. (Or at least this is how it appears.)

― Anna (Anna), Thursday, 21 July 2005 10:03 (twenty years ago)

browsing the web just now, i found the site of "Coffee, Cake & Kink, the UK's only kinky gallery, cafe and shop". "Ooh," i though, "sounds like it might be nice to visit for a cup of tea or something." Looked at the address, and realised that the last time i was in London i walked past it at least twice a day without noticing it. and i'm not going to London again for ages! gah!

― anonymous kinkster, Sunday, 24 July 2005 13:08 (twenty years ago)

Wondering what logged out is doing right now...

― Masked Gazza, Sunday, 24 July 2005 13:15 (twenty years ago)

I'm not shy about saying that I have never tried to put anything in my urethra, nor been curious about it.

Oh, same here, it's no worry.

I'm honestly not a fan of anything kinky. Well, there is this one thing, but I'm not going to mention it. But the rest of the time I prefer everything soft and sweetly sensual.

― Kitten, the body needs it, the body cries out for Ian Riese-Moraine! (Eastern Ma, Sunday, 24 July 2005 13:20 (twenty years ago)

Well, there is this one thing, but I'm not going to mention it.

B...but... that's what this thread is FOR!

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Sunday, 24 July 2005 13:29 (twenty years ago)

I sometimes fantasize about being done up the ass by a girl. I've never been on the recipient end of anal sex, and definitely would like to experience it sooner or later. Why a girl, you might ask... Well, even though I fancy guys too, I've never had sex with one, so I think I'd feel safer doing it with a girl (even if she's wearing a strap-on!), at least to begin with. If I end up liking it I'd probably want to do it with a guy as well.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 24 July 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)

mama mia!

― Marco Salvetti (moustache), Sunday, 24 July 2005 15:42 (twenty years ago)

i feel a bit sick after reading that pinecone in the peehole thing

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Sunday, 24 July 2005 17:24 (twenty years ago)

You're never going to have sex with a guy with that attitude, Tuomas!

― Casuistry (Chris P), Sunday, 24 July 2005 20:09 (twenty years ago)

Well, there is this one thing, but I'm not going to mention it.
B...but... that's what this thread is FOR!

-- Forest Pines (forestpine...), July 24th, 2005 10:29 AM.

Oh, okay. I like to poo in me nan's flange until I'm well right knackered, too.

― Kitten, the body needs it, the body cries out for Ian Riese-Moraine! (Eastern Ma, Monday, 25 July 2005 00:36 (twenty years ago)

tracer hand otm.

― mark p (Mark P), Monday, 25 July 2005 00:49 (twenty years ago)

You're never going to have sex with a guy with that attitude, Tuomas!

Haha, it's not like I haven't gotten any offers yet...

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 25 July 2005 05:49 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas, wanna cuddle?

― anthony easton (anthony), Monday, 25 July 2005 05:57 (twenty years ago)

I rest my case.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Monday, 25 July 2005 06:23 (twenty years ago)

Recently I've been thinking a lot as to how much there is a connection between masochism and self-harm.

I don't self-harm (to any serious degree), but I often wish I did. After a stressful and paranoid day at work, I leave wanting to cut deep into my skin, carve myself up, rip my arms apart and so on. I don't do it, though, because I'm too weedy when it comes to, y'know, pain; and because I'm worried about the attached stigma.

Being a kinky masochistic perv, though, is fine! It's almost mainstream! I'll happily get out some candles and pour wax onto sensitive areas. Not only is it fun in a kinky way, it produces the same depression-lifting endorphin rush that more serious self-harming does; it just doesn't have the same stigma (and risk of sectioning) attached.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:25 (twenty years ago)

The candle option never attracted me; I prefer the cool to the hot.

Onken lemon mousse, anyone?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:31 (twenty years ago)

How about a new thread on this? I'm scared to read the rest of the thread for fear of its being very work unsafe.

― Masonic Boom (kate), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:33 (twenty years ago)

It's not very unsafe, but I'll start one if you like.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:35 (twenty years ago)

Actually Kate, it is scarily tame!!

― Pink (Pinkpanther), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:36 (twenty years ago)

What's your twee-est perversion?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:37 (twenty years ago)

New thread

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:38 (twenty years ago)

Think I'll stick with this one. Not at all attracted to self-harming; I just want to work up the bravery to talk about my kinkily twee innocent harmless pervs!

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 5 August 2005 09:40 (twenty years ago)

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