Check out the sex-face on this tortoise.

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http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/3426/tortporn21qk.jpg

"I HAVE CONQUERED YOU!!!!!!"

My mate Billy took this photo.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 07:56 (twenty years ago)

I think that goes down as not only the funniest but also the best thing I have ever seen in my 26 years and three months of life.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 07:57 (twenty years ago)

that is an awesome pic!

― latebloomer: i hate myself and want to fly (latebloomer), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:00 (twenty years ago)

I like the fact that they're slightly left-of-centre in the frame, which suggests that he's fucked her all the way down that path from top right of frame with his awesome reptialian dong.

Tortoises ARE reptiles, right? They're not some special sub-species with shells?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:04 (twenty years ago)

Aren't they insects?

― Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:12 (twenty years ago)

i like her rather stoical expression also.

― N_RQ, Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:13 (twenty years ago)

They are indeed reptiles, of the clade Testudines.

― latebloomer: i hate myself and want to fly (latebloomer), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:15 (twenty years ago)

(living turtles are of the Testudes sub-group Chelonia)

― latebloomer: i hate myself and want to fly (latebloomer), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:17 (twenty years ago)

He's giving it some with his testudines there alright.

Tortoises always look stoical, don't they? This guy excepted, obv.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:17 (twenty years ago)

Once again my posts' sole purpose is to amuse Henry.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:18 (twenty years ago)

Hmmm, that face is actually saying to me that he's managed to get his little reptilian cob trapped under her shell; he's struggling to retract it but their scales seem to snagged up somehow; meanwhile she's been distracted by a distant lettuce leaf and she's off like a shot, leaving the poor feller struggling in her wake.

I've seen the videos, it happens all the time.

― NickB (NickB), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:23 (twenty years ago)

AHAHAH thats the best thing I ever saw Nick! OMG.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:27 (twenty years ago)

i like her rather stoical expression also.

Well, female orgasm is a special miracle we share with only few other species, all of them mammals. And aren't you ladies glad for it?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:35 (twenty years ago)

Women have orgasms?

― moley, Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:42 (twenty years ago)

yes, several. all at once sometimes. aren't you jealous?

― dahlin (dahlin), Thursday, 4 August 2005 08:52 (twenty years ago)

They all have them at once? No wonder the Earth moves!

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 4 August 2005 09:03 (twenty years ago)

que the music "bwahahwabwhwhwjajajajajajajahahahg- i'll just get my shell off"

― battlingspacemonkey (battlingspacemonkey), Thursday, 4 August 2005 09:34 (twenty years ago)

Well, female orgasm is a special miracle we share with only few other species, all of them mammals. And aren't you ladies glad for it?
-- Tuomas (tuomas.alh...), August 4th, 2005 9:35 AM. (Tuomas) (later) (link)

do non-mammal boys have orgasms too then?

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 4 August 2005 09:39 (twenty years ago)

This is the funniest thing I've read in years. My face is contorted in that painful "trying not to snort out loud at work" sort of way. Thanks!

― Koorbssir (Koorbssir), Thursday, 4 August 2005 09:58 (twenty years ago)

do non-mammal boys have orgasms too then?

Yes. Otherwise, why would they bother to humpy-pumpy?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 4 August 2005 09:59 (twenty years ago)

OMG! The thread title promised so much, but then, the picture really delivered. Afuckingmazing.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 4 August 2005 13:18 (twenty years ago)

why would they bother to humpy-pumpy?

Well, why do the girls bother then???

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 4 August 2005 13:27 (twenty years ago)

to keep their mens happy of course.

― N_RQ, Thursday, 4 August 2005 13:29 (twenty years ago)

The usual -- "I want a baaaaayyyybeeeee!"

― Truckdrivin' Buddha (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 4 August 2005 13:31 (twenty years ago)

turtle wax

― Lupton Pitman (Chris V), Thursday, 4 August 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

This thread should be more celebrated as it is magnificent.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 4 August 2005 14:59 (twenty years ago)

I watched some tortoises making sweet love at the zoo last week. The male was very vocal and uninhibited. I had no idea tortoises could moan.

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 4 August 2005 15:04 (twenty years ago)

Fantastic.

― jocelyn (Jocelyn), Thursday, 4 August 2005 15:05 (twenty years ago)

My first thought was "YEAH.... TAKE IT BITCH."

This is really, really excellent.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 4 August 2005 15:06 (twenty years ago)

How long did the tortoise sex act last? Given they're so slow at other activities, it'd be a shame if it was over in a flash.

― clive (Clive), Thursday, 4 August 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)

I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Thursday, 4 August 2005 16:27 (twenty years ago)

http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/8450/thorsfieldiimate0kg.jpg

― shanecavanaugh (shanecavanaugh), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:07 (twenty years ago)

Turtle porn music HAS to be chopped and screwed to like 25 BPM.

― DMB Googleplex (Matt Chesnut), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:15 (twenty years ago)

Turtleporn soundtrack = Bohren & Der Club of Gore.

― Truckdrivin' Buddha (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:19 (twenty years ago)

"ah... gentile"

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:23 (twenty years ago)

HE IS FUCKING TEH ~~CAKE~~ TURTLE

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:27 (twenty years ago)

http://www.trts.com/history/images/johnm.jpg

― PappaWheelie (PappaWheelie), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:52 (twenty years ago)

He must not have sex, 'cause that's the only expression I've ever seen on his face.

― Truckdrivin' Buddha (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 4 August 2005 17:57 (twenty years ago)

Good Lord.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 4 August 2005 23:39 (twenty years ago)

Snap!

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 4 August 2005 23:56 (twenty years ago)

Dear dear. Where is Dan on this thread?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 5 August 2005 00:05 (twenty years ago)

OMFG. I opened this thread three minutes ago, having ignored it as potentially NSFW all day, and I AM STILL LAUGHING.

― rogermexico (rogermexico), Friday, 5 August 2005 03:48 (twenty years ago)

Something was missing...

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b265/mattcunt2/tortoisepwn.jpg

― DMB Googleplex (Matt Chesnut), Friday, 5 August 2005 04:02 (twenty years ago)

Billy is alright with me.

― Dawson Rules, Friday, 5 August 2005 06:13 (twenty years ago)

This thread has made my day.

― aaron d.g. (aaron d.g.), Friday, 5 August 2005 06:18 (twenty years ago)

http://gamma.nic.fi/~jmietti/konna/penis.jpg

Makes that image slightly more sinister, eh?

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 10 August 2005 22:04 (twenty years ago)

HE SHOW YOU TEH RED ROCKET MEANS HE LIKSE YOU

― The Original Jimmy Mod: A Negro (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Wednesday, 10 August 2005 22:07 (twenty years ago)

don't tortoises only make noises while they are on the job? DH Lawrence wrote a poem about it.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 10 August 2005 22:09 (twenty years ago)

He must not have sex, 'cause that's the only expression I've ever seen on his face.

Are you kidding? Have you ever watched him drumming?

Although Azita's "Just Joker Blues" hints that he doesn't often have time for teh sex.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 10 August 2005 22:09 (twenty years ago)

Makes that image slightly more sinister, eh?

yikes

― Matt (Matt), Wednesday, 10 August 2005 23:40 (twenty years ago)

Skipping 13 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

GIANT TURTLE

― latebloomer: fucks like a mutant hero (latebloomer), Saturday, 21 January 2006 04:44 (twenty years ago)

seck!

― Louis Giomblechett and his kerayzy friends (dog latin), Saturday, 21 January 2006 04:51 (twenty years ago)

I didn't even know turtles HAD penises until just now.

You thought the magic turtle stork brought the eggs?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 21 January 2006 04:53 (twenty years ago)

jesus donut don't remind me...

― geoff (gcannon), Saturday, 21 January 2006 04:56 (twenty years ago)

http://content.collegehumor.com/items/2005/01/collegehumor.106711.451xAUTO.jpg

― Yeah, bitch take it! (miloaukerman), Saturday, 21 January 2006 05:05 (twenty years ago)

Where different amniote lineages differ is in how they build their penis. Mammals have a medial penis containing two inflatable, vascular erectile bodies, and the tissue used for it embryonically is gathered from non-cloacal epithelia and connective tissue. Crocodile and turtle penises contain a single erectile body, and they form their penises from tissues on the ventral cloacal wall. Squamates (lizards and snakes) have paired penises built from lateral cloacal wall tissue. Birds, like crocodiles, assemble a penis (when they have one) from the ventral wall of the cloaca, but they use the lymphatic system as a pump, rather than the blood system.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 21 January 2006 18:33 (twenty years ago)

"... And I'll form the ventral cloacal wall!"

― Dan (Worst Voltron Ever) Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 21 January 2006 18:38 (twenty years ago)

HA ha!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Saturday, 21 January 2006 19:50 (twenty years ago)

http://www.geocities.com/xxserenitynow/bunnyballoon.gif

― A BOLD QUAHOG (ex machina), Saturday, 21 January 2006 21:29 (twenty years ago)

poor bunny. it must be very confusing when your sex partner disappears from beneath you.

― nein Socken (nein Socken), Saturday, 21 January 2006 22:14 (twenty years ago)

It used to happen to me when I woke up.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Saturday, 21 January 2006 23:31 (twenty years ago)

eight months pass...

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/56930/Turtle_Trying_to_get_Sex_from_his_girlfriend.html

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Sunday, 1 October 2006 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

:-O

― 0xDOX0RNUTX0RX0RSDABITFIELDXOR^0xDEADBEEFDEADBEEF00001 (donut), Sunday, 1 October 2006 21:44 (nineteen years ago)

Hmmm, the headbutting approach never worked for me very well.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Monday, 2 October 2006 02:36 (nineteen years ago)

(zidane.gif)

― StanM (StanM), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:24 (nineteen years ago)

was thinking about this thread recently, for some reason

― H2-H4 (H2-H4), Monday, 2 October 2006 03:35 (nineteen years ago)

one month passes...

http://www.tortoises-turtles.com/chelonian.gif

― researching ur life (grady), Tuesday, 7 November 2006 02:23 (nineteen years ago)

ten months pass...

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/turtle_face.jpg

― gr8080, Thursday, 27 September 2007 01:42 (eighteen years ago)

bukkake photoshop time

― milo z, Thursday, 27 September 2007 01:44 (eighteen years ago)

O-face

― Spencer Chow, Thursday, 27 September 2007 01:49 (eighteen years ago)

What is up with the vag-tongue????

(BIOLOGISTS: SKOOL ME)

― Deric W. Haircare, Thursday, 27 September 2007 02:07 (eighteen years ago)

This is still one of my favorite thread titles.

― luna, Thursday, 27 September 2007 02:31 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.cincinnati.com/freetime/movies/other/img/masterofdisguise.jpg

― CaptainLorax, Thursday, 27 September 2007 03:49 (eighteen years ago)

That headbutting turtle vid made me wee myself laughing.

― Trayce, Thursday, 27 September 2007 09:56 (eighteen years ago)

There are turtles in the garden of my building. They spend all day chasing spots of sunlight to lie in and humping each other, but they don't make interesting noises or faces, unfortunately.

― Maria, Thursday, 27 September 2007 12:58 (eighteen years ago)

Killa Turtle caught!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_east/7014261.stm

― StanM, Thursday, 27 September 2007 13:06 (eighteen years ago)

five months pass...

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/viable_sperm.jpg

― gr8080, Sunday, 16 March 2008 04:36 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKYNwYBYrs

― Curt1s Stephens, Sunday, 16 March 2008 05:36 (seventeen years ago)

Several YEARS? No wonder they groan.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 16 March 2008 05:40 (seventeen years ago)

so who's going to post a video of snapping turtle sex?

― Mackro Mackro, Sunday, 16 March 2008 08:33 (seventeen years ago)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v216/sexymollusk/DSCN0833.jpg

― latebloomer, Sunday, 16 March 2008 08:57 (seventeen years ago)

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/turtle_face.jpg
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/turtle_face.jpg
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/turtle_face.jpg

― Bodrick III, Sunday, 16 March 2008 12:17 (seventeen years ago)

one year passes...

Turtle orgasm!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOHriDR8F8o

(Maybe NSFW, depends on your work I guess.)

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 4 November 2009 18:05 (sixteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9idEUZR_eI

Apparently bigger turtles have more "rough and masculine" sex voices.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 4 November 2009 18:06 (sixteen years ago)

wtf @ those sounds!!!!

― But no hope for norwegian posters, sorry. (Curt1s Stephens), Thursday, 5 November 2009 01:18 (sixteen years ago)

somonesetusupthebomb (1 day ago) Show Hide
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is it sad that this gave me a boner?

― But no hope for norwegian posters, sorry. (Curt1s Stephens), Thursday, 5 November 2009 01:19 (sixteen years ago)

very odd synchronicity involved with this thread revive

― la'bloom generation (latebloomer), Thursday, 5 November 2009 01:37 (sixteen years ago)

i think we've crossed a line here.

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Thursday, 5 November 2009 04:34 (sixteen years ago)

five months pass...

http://scienceblogs.com/tetrapodzoology/Cylindraspis_vosmaeri-life-model-closeup-May-2010.jpg

what you gonna do with all that neck

all that neck

― going non-native (dyao), Monday, 3 May 2010 01:04 (fifteen years ago)

four weeks pass...

i know you read bb too
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R3BYCT5oWw

― louiiiis jjjjagger (S-), Wednesday, 2 June 2010 11:50 (fifteen years ago)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sMFN69l_ZY&NR=1

Love the sex voice of this turtle!

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 2 June 2010 13:59 (fifteen years ago)

five months pass...

ok, new ringtone

― StanM, Friday, 12 November 2010 10:16 (fifteen years ago)

(i.e. that last video Tuomas posted)

― StanM, Friday, 12 November 2010 10:16 (fifteen years ago)

seven months pass...

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk33q7n5fw1qdsi8uo1_500.png

― goole, Tuesday, 21 June 2011 18:59 (fourteen years ago)

hahah

― coffeetripperspillerslyricmakeruppers (Latham Green), Tuesday, 21 June 2011 20:17 (fourteen years ago)

Mating Turtles Shut Down Runway at JFK

Love is in the air at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York. More than 150 turtles crossed over an active runway and disrupted air traffic on Wednesday so that they could continue their mating season.
The diamondback terrapins were trying to get to an ideal location to lay their eggs. That's a sandy area that happens to be across Runway 4, according to Carol Bannerman of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The turtles were primarily female, and the fertilization of their eggs occurs in the water, she said.
JFK is surrounded by a bay and wetland areas.
The first turtle was spotted at 6:45 a.m. and a short time afterward, Port Authority staff was dispatched and the U.S. Department of Agriculture assisted, according to Port Authority spokesman Ron Marsico.
"This happens every year," Marsico said. "I guess some years there is more turtle activity."
. . . People began tweeting about the turtles soon after the news broke. Within 8 hours, @JFKTurtles had almost 3,000 followers on Twitter, even from airline accounts like Jet Blue who had this to say:
"Oh @JFKTurtles, we could never stay mad at you ... Glad you made it to your honey moon spot safe."

― Michael Bay, CEO of Transformers (Phil D.), Thursday, 30 June 2011 14:09 (fourteen years ago)

eleven months pass...

http://static.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/cache/2012/06/turtles/3766786670.jpg

― fit and working again, Thursday, 7 June 2012 15:01 (thirteen years ago)

three years pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXrww9X8dQI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R5QueuvKQ4

― welltris (crüt), Thursday, 14 January 2016 01:45 (ten years ago)

top-100 thread

― mookieproof, Thursday, 14 January 2016 01:56 (ten years ago)

four years pass...

Not swift sex (see earlier): tortoises at it again now in the back garden. Repeat performances from a Thirty Year War - Thirty Year Fuck: pic.twitter.com/M6G6Kw2XEB
— Tim Dee (@TimDee4) May 8, 2020

there really is a thread for Everything on here.

― calzino, Friday, 8 May 2020 10:35 (five years ago)

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